Now What?

[Carmela]

I recently told my ex boyfriend who does not want a comittment to leave me alone until he decides if he wants to be comitted to me. However, it has been a week since i have heard from him, and I honestly am crushed. Do I call him or wait forever for him to decide? I miss him and love him, but want a relationship with this man. I just don't think he feels the same about me.

[Tony T]

Ultimatums not only don't work but they are not wise because they attempt to force feelings on people they don't really have. When someone is ready to make a comittment, they will. You said yourself in your post your ex does not want a comittmnt.

 

The way you left it is that he should leave you alone until he decides, implying until he decides he is ready to make a comittment. It could be years before he does that and most likely he will be dating someone else at the time.

 

I know you miss him, I know you love him but that makes no difference. You are not going to force him into this...and you may have very well pissed him off. You are not getting what you want out of this. It has nothing to do with his love for you, either, it simply has to do with him not being fully ready. The timing was not good here, you were ready for a comittment, he was not.

 

Calling him will worsen things. There is no reason for a call. What you did was awkward. He is following your orders exactly and you should respect that. In the future, stay with someone under the prevailing circumstances or break up with them but don't give them an ultimatum...just not socially a great idea. If you call him, the purpose should be for closure so you can move forward with your life. If you go back to him without a comittment, you will look foolish. You really boxed yourself in here.

 

It could very well be that he has a phobia about committments and may never be able to make one with any person.

 

I think it will work out, though, because you are finding he does not have the same idea about the relationship that you do. This frees you to heal and move forward to a man who will be proud to stand by you and committ to a long term relationship that will make both of you very happy.