Keep getting sucked back into a cycle of humiliation.

[Icy]

I have been casually seeing this guy for about 6 months - we were friends first and work together. The FWB thing worked for awhile but of course I am a girl - I have emotions and I fell in love. He didn't. Last weekend I wanted to hook up but he decided to go surfing with friends instead (after I had told MY friends I couldn't go down the coast with them because I would be with him). I felt so stupid and hurt, and it wasn't the first time that I came last on his list of priorities. I decided to end things. At work the next day I was civil and professional but ignored his advances. But he is a huge people pleaser, and begged me to stop treating him coldly. He apologised and tried to make me laugh... My resolve crumbled after just 2 days and things got back to normal again. I felt happier than I had in weeks because I had explained my position and he had promised to change things .

 

Tonight we had our usual Friday drinks after work and I invited him back to my place to continue the party. I had bought new underwear and had my bikini line waxed for it and everything. He said sorry, but he had plans. It was such an anti climax. He knew I was upset but left anyway, without even saying goodbye. After an hour spent crying in the toilets (I know it was a small incident, but it was just a culmination of everything) I sent him a message telling him he was breaking me and all he wrote back was, 'Don't be ridiculous. I had plans. We'll get together next week.' I can undertstand him not seeing it as a big deal but I am sick of feeling this way. I love him so much and no one has ever made me happier. I have also never been this depressed in my life. I don't know what to do. I have to sit next to him every day at work (neither of us can leave our jobs) and I know if I try to break it off again he will make a joke and make it all seem so silly. Then he will break my heart again in another week.

 

Please help. I need to know how to get out of this cycle and regain my self respect. Unrequited love is the worst feeling ever. He is out there enjoying himself tonight and I am sitting at home feeling miserable. I can't even go out and meet my friends because I don't want to end up crying in public. I've been humiliated enough. Any and all advice would be greatly appreciated.

[NatoPMT]

Hi Icy

 

You dont sound like you have no self respect to me, breaking it off in the first instance showed your courage in finishing a relationship that despite you wanting it to work, wasnt working. that takes great strength of character

 

you arent happy and you have explained what you want and he hasnt changed his behaviour, even after you finished things. thats the biggest wake up call you can give, but by going back to him and allowing him to behave in a way you dont like towards you, you are reinforcing that he can do this to you and still be there for him. and this should reinforce to you that even after the break up, hes not modifyed his behaviour to be more compatible with you.

 

to regain your self respect, dont allow this to happen anymore. your confidence will be taking a blow every time you feel let down, rather than him letting you down, youre letting him let you down. of course you will feel more miserable, but rather than in relative short term than feeling like this indefinately.

 

i hope you feel better soon - BB

[bluechocolate]

Personally I've never believed that the FWB thing can work - and you are living proof.

 

This guy is not ready to commit. More than likely he's just using you for sex. You want to get out of the vicious cycle of humiliation? Stop seeing him and don't give in to his silly jokes and friendly banter. You should stop all contact with him outside of work. You don't have to be impolite to him at work, as you said, keep it civil and professional. If he presses you about it just tell him that you two are looking for different things at this point in your lives and it's best that you're not together the way have been.

 

Yes, unrequited love is one of the worst feelings in the world, but you can't make anybody love you, and I guarantee you that if you continue with this guy you'll feel even worse.

[HurtPup]

Wow Icy, you sound so much like me.

 

I, too, was sucked back in several times by all his talk and apologies and promises to change. I finally reached the breaking point, and I am determined to stick to my promise to myself not to allow him back into my life.

 

I loved him with everything I had, and it burns so deep that there was so many distractions for him that interferred with our time together. I figure the best way for you and I to get through this, is to keep our self-respect. And I think we both took the steps already at beginning that. Which is, getting rid of what's not working.

 

Hang in there, I'm here to talk if you want.

Hugs

[zephyr]

Icy Hun,

I just broke up (for the second time) with my bf of 7 months for the SAME EXACT reason. God knows I love him more than anything in this world but his constant indifference has made me feel more miserable and worthless than I had ever been. Last time I broke up for example, he thought it was a joke! He just said, "ah, don't be silly. I don't mean to be indifferent". Needless to say, the vicious cycle repeated itself and it reached a point where I just couldn't take the humiliation anymore. As much as I love him, I cannot allow him to treat me that way and you shouldn't either. I know it's PURE HELL when you can't talk to him or be close to him but believe me it is for the better. Just remind yourself that allowing him to creep back into your life will set you up for another round of suffering. Remind yourself of how you felt when he ignored you or took you for granted. It will be hard and painful but believe me, after some time the memory of him will fade and you will see him for what he is: a pathetic loser who does not deserve you. Chin up dear! You are way too good for this a**hole.

If you need to talk, please don't hesitate to send me a message. I hope things will get better!

[Starnette83]

can I JOIN, im feeling off..i miss my ex..3 day of no contact and its cos he was such whatever with me and we kept going on and off but i dont wanna let him back in my life..but imscared cos i always have..and i miss him so much, i feel so depressed and down without him

[zephyr]

Starnette83,

Hang in there sweetie. I know it's a nightmare. I missed him too, but I cannot even tell you how empowered you will feel after a while when you realize that you don't need to be treated in this way and that you deserve far better. Stop being available and the one to always be cheery, nice, and upbeat. He will very soon realize what kind of a precious gem he let slip through his fingers and before you know it, he will be on his knees, begging you to take him back. Don't let your resolve crumble. You will be incredibly strong and proud because you stuck to your guns. Pain is temporary but your self-worth and pride eternal!

 

Best,

zephyr

[Starnette83]

thank u zep..im just so sad right now cos right now we would be togehter in his room cuddling, watchin a dvd and eating munchies..but here i am alone and i cant get him off my mind..i miss him so much and i wish so bad he would call..be he hasnt..its been 3 days and i feel like maybe he doesnt miss me and hes probably doign ok without me and that makes me even worse..ugh...

 

i dunno what to think..sometimes i feel that he will never beg for me back, that it wont make a difference that its over and that instead he will be kinda glad its over..adn thats why it hurts alot..hes the only guy ive loved with all my heart and at one point he loved me just as much..i just dont know what happened to him..he went from loving me so much to just caring and to now..well now i dont know...he would have called by now if he cared wouldnt he?

ugh...i dunno im starting to feel depressed, i cant eat...all i do is think of him and im always feeling grouchy and easily irritated...gosh..will he ever want me again?? will he ever regret this ****??