I Cheated With My Ex and Feel Terrible About It...

[Vamaranth]

Hi All,

 

So, I was perusing this website and realized that there were a lot of helpful people on here...so here's my problem...hope someone can help.

 

Me nd my now ex boyfriend Dan had been dating for bout 2 years. We argued quite often due to the fact he lived 5 hours away. In person though, was wonderful...we were madly in love, and you could tell. However, the fighting got to me in the end and I ended up breaking up with him one week before he moved back to my city.

 

A week later, not even trying to meet someone new, I met my current fiancee Mike. Everything was fine until Dan got in touch with me a couple months ago. I love Mike very much, but that irresistable spark is there with Dan still, and now I have spun into depression because recently while hanging out with Dan...I cheated. I thought my willpower could handle it, I thought I was a better person than this. Mike has no clue...but I am trying to work on my issues...

 

I feel as though I need Dan in my life, but how do I get to that point where I can let that old relationship and the what-ifs about if I would have just stayed for a week longer go?

 

I must add that I have a little boy and that Mike has fully accepted him as his own and he calls him dad...as his real dad isn't in the picture.

 

I'm also due to get married to Mike in a year...

 

What do I do? I feel so terrible, I have never cheated before and always said I wouldn't...

 

[PegNosePete]

If you really love Mike then you need to tell him what you have done.

[Vamaranth]

I find it so hard though, when I know what the outcome would be. It would also break his heart...and that's the last thing I want to do along with taking my sons father away...

 

[PegNosePete]

Well you should have thought of that before you screwed your ex.

 

What else are you going to do, marry him based on a lie and continue to lie to him for the rest of his life? Some quality marriage that will be. I give it 6 months before you are divorced.

[Imajerk17]

I find it so hard though, when I know what the outcome would be. It would also break his heart...and that's the last thing I want to do along with taking my sons father away...

 

 

There are consequences for your actions. You did the deed, now you have to pay the price.

[Edition]

"Do you promise to love, comfort, honor and keep him for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others, be faithful only to him so long as you both shall live?"

 

That's what came to mind when I read your story. If you really are to marry your fiancee, will you uphold your vows?

 

Sure, we make mistakes, but I can guarantee you that holding this one in will mess you up BIG TIME. Go to him and explain yourself; I promise that whatever happens now will be way better than if your future husband found out later and it messes up your marriage.

[Vamaranth]

First of all, the rude answer about not screwing my ex...I didn't have sex with him. I kissed him. Never had sex with him, so please don't be rude. I came here for guidance, not a beating.

[Nay]

Hi sweetie,

 

I really think you should have not even went around Dan, see us woman have to know that a Ex means just that, when we fall backwards for an Ex they feel they will always have that power over us. you just have to pray and ask for forgiveness, if you want to tell Mike I'm not gonna tell you to do that but it's really up to you, sweetie you knew what you was gonna do before it happen, just don't put your self in cituations where you will feel bad or regret it later, give that man a chance you said he likes your son treat him like his own thats a plus right there because I don't care how much you love/like someone if they can't except your child they can't except you, that child is apart of you. just take it easy and think about it:)

[PegNosePete]

I came here for guidance

No you didn't, you came here looking for justifications for your actions.

 

Here's your guidance. Stop making excuses. If you really love Mike then tell him the truth.

[Vamaranth]

No actually, I did not come here looking for justification. I just needed to talk about it. As I said, I have never cheated before...but it seems whenever someone hears that someone has cheated, they automatically assume I am a bad person which is why I was not sure of whether to post or not. As soon as you're labeled a cheater, people automatically assume you're a terrible person. You are apparently no different.

[PegNosePete]

No, that is not true at all. Many cheaters here get a warm reception IF they are repentant and sorry for their actions. You are not. The first step of remorse is admitting your errors. You are intending to marry some guy based on a lie. THAT is what makes you a terrible person.

[Vamaranth]

If what is posted here is the truth about MY situation, then you probably should haven't have said that I could take 50% of his money. That isn't the case and never has been. I also do love him very much. It was a mistake, obviously, but apparently no one here has ever made a mistake before.

 

Everyone apparently twists stories into these grand concoctions in their mind...that's not right.

 

Thank you Nay for your sole unbiased answer.

[Vamaranth]

Oh, so cheaters get a great reception just so long as they tell the person they are with and do it again, tell them again, "Oh ok they told them, they're a good person again."

 

No, that is not the way it works. I've met a lot of ****heads like that. I am filled with remorse for my actions, and I am truly sorry, and I love him very much. I have also told my ex to stay away...

 

I've decided that telling him would ruin more than needs to be ruined. I'm not thinking of myself, I am thinking about my son. Thank you again Nay.

[StoneCold]

If what is posted here is the truth about MY situation, then you probably should haven't have said that I could take 50% of his money. That isn't the case and never has been. I also do love him very much. It was a mistake, obviously, but apparently no one here has ever made a mistake before.

 

Everyone apparently twists stories into these grand concoctions in their mind...that's not right.

 

Thank you Nay for your sole unbiased answer.

 

 

If you really love mike and you are SURE about him AND the kiss with Dan was truly a mistake and you beleive it wouldnt happen again...

 

dont tell Mike.....its not worth the agrivation over a kiss...just put your focus into the relationship with Mike and keep your distance from Dan

[PegNosePete]

apparently no one here has ever made a mistake before.

Yes I've made mistakes. I've scored an own goal at soccer once. I've stubbed my toe on the bath. I've fallen into a snowdrift when I was skiing. I've pressed the wrong button on the DVD remote and ejected the disc instead of going back to the menu.

 

Cheated on a partner is not a mistake, it is a CHOICE you made. You did not have a gun to your head. You did not trip up and land on his face. You deliberately made a choice to kiss him. Until you can understand that, confess what you've done to your BF and face the consequences of your actions, you'll never get any respect from anyone.

[PegNosePete]

its not worth the agrivation over a kiss

I'm not sure Mike would see it that way.

He does at least has the right to make that decision himself.

[StoneCold]

I wanted to add...

 

I know I told you notto tell him but really this is your call... you know Mike and your situation best. Whatever you do just think it though

[ptp]

Hi All,

 

So, I was perusing this website and realized that there were a lot of helpful people on here...so here's my problem...hope someone can help.

 

Me nd my now ex boyfriend Dan had been dating for bout 2 years. We argued quite often due to the fact he lived 5 hours away. In person though, was wonderful...we were madly in love, and you could tell. However, the fighting got to me in the end and I ended up breaking up with him one week before he moved back to my city.

 

A week later, not even trying to meet someone new, I met my current fiancee Mike. Everything was fine until Dan got in touch with me a couple months ago. I love Mike very much, but that irresistable spark is there with Dan still, and now I have spun into depression because recently while hanging out with Dan...I cheated. I thought my willpower could handle it, I thought I was a better person than this. Mike has no clue...but I am trying to work on my issues...

 

I feel as though I need Dan in my life, but how do I get to that point where I can let that old relationship and the what-ifs about if I would have just stayed for a week longer go?

 

I must add that I have a little boy and that Mike has fully accepted him as his own and he calls him dad...as his real dad isn't in the picture.

 

I'm also due to get married to Mike in a year...

 

What do I do? I feel so terrible, I have never cheated before and always said I wouldn't...

 

 

The honorable thing would be to tell Mike what happened.

 

If I was in Mike's situation I would want to know. It isn't fair to keep this from him and still marry him.

[Donewrong]

The guidance you'll get is the same no matter if you slept with the X or kissed him. TELL HIM THE TRUTH. The fact remains that you crossed a boundary by even inviting this X back into your life. Of course you will have feelings for your X..Everyone does because deep down a part of you cared about him. He is an X for a reason though

 

You have to make the decision on what you need to do. Stay with Mike or leave him. If Mike really means that much to you - then tell him the truth anyway. Starting off a marriage on lies is not a good start at all. If you are both meant to be together than you will work it out. If not than you will get your answer. As for not wanting your son to loose Mike..Well imagine how hard it will be in 5 years down the road when Mike finds out and decides the marriage was built on lies and leaves....

 

What it boils down to is you have no control over what happens after you tell the truth. Your actions have consequences. Consequences you'll have to step up to the plate and accept.

 

As for cheaters getting a cold reception here..well yeah...alot of hurt and emotional people on here...but like PegnosePete says..if we are really sorry for our actions and are remorseful than there are ALOT of people on here that will back and support you. Growing a thick skin and taking all criticisms and learning from it is just one of the first steps around here. Sympathy is hard to come by - sorry to say, you will have to earn that one.

 

I do wish you all the best. Good luck with your decision.

[StoneCold]

I'm not sure Mike would see it that way.

He does at least has the right to make that decision himself.

 

 

Well its debateable..

 

If she invests herself fully into the relationship from that point on and Mike is happy....what else more would he want? I'm sure a happy relationship is what he wants and thats exactly what he will get (given she resolves to do so)

 

 

Anywas I said that it ultimately is her call on how she handles this....Only she knows her situation and Mike best....

[Donewrong]

I'm not sure Mike would see it that way.

He does at least has the right to make that decision himself.

 

 

Agree completely...it was still a boundry that was crossed and he deserves to hear the truth and decide for himself if it was worth the agivation or not. Yeah - he may say it's over or he may say no biggie..either way - it is his choice.

[StoneCold]

..Growing a thick skin and taking all criticisms and learning from it is just one of the first steps around here. .

 

Too bad it doesnt go both ways

[Imajerk17]

I've decided that telling him would ruin more than needs to be ruined. I'm not thinking of myself, I am thinking about my son.

 

Um, shouldn't you have thought of your son BEFORE you went hanging out with your ex Dan? I mean, when you went over to see him, what were you expecting to happen?

 

When you went over to see Dan, what did you tell your fiancee Mike about where you were? Did you leave him taking care of your son while you were out having fun with your ex? How selfish of you!

 

Mike deserves to know what you did.

[PegNosePete]

what else more would he want?

I don't know... maybe a wife that does not lie to him every day for the rest of his life?

[Vamaranth]

When I made the decision to see Dan, it was because we had been talking and he asked me to go for coffee. I said yes because I wasn't even thinking about the possibility of me doing something like kissing him.

 

During coffee with Dan, he told me he had just broken up with his girlfriend the night before. I consoled him. Later on, he dropped me off at home, I got out of the car, gave him a hug, and told him it was nice seeing him, and then he kissed me and I guess in the moment I kissed him back.

 

I thought enough time had passed to where there would be no feelings left, as I hadn't had any before then for him, even old feelings.