I Cheated With My Ex and Feel Terrible About It...

[StoneCold]

I don't know... maybe a wife that does not lie to him every day for the rest of his life?

 

 

Peg....

 

She kissed a guy....she didnt kill someone with her car and bury the corpse in the backyard.

 

Was it cool? no.... but I think you might be blowing this up a bit by assuming the guy is going to feel like his wife is holding this massive, tumultous lie from him....going out of her way to scheme and physically lie to him day in and day out...oh the humanity of it all.

 

Maybe he would feel like that...maybe he wouldnt..who knows?.... well we have to assume the OP knows (or has the best idea...better than ours anyway) which is why I added that ultimately its a judegement call.

Edited August 11, 2011 by StoneCold

[Nay]

Vamaranth,

 

Look why care about what people say, thats your life all we can do is post and opinion if you really want to be with mike then do it, just don't do things your gonna regret later like I said a little while ago, **** what people have to say at the end of the day it's your life so really who cares.

[rafallus]

The thing is, he may change what he thinks of you, after you tell him. Of course - that goes without saying. But could you say he really loves you, if he doesn't know, or does he love just an image of you, he created in his own head?

[Vamaranth]

He really loves me.

[Donewrong]

Yes I'm sure you both do love each other very much but you crossed a line (as small as it might be). If the kiss really isn't a big deal - so tell him. If it is then you still need to tell him. You will feel better about everything when you don't have the guilt weighing you down.

If you really do love each other and the kiss truely isn't a big deal than you don't have to worry about his reaction right?

 

Plus not telling him something that is "just a kiss" as someone stated is hiding. starting off hiding small things and thinking it's ok can only lead to bigger things being hidden and people being hurt - and that includes your self.

 

You have to decide what to do - it is your life and and your choice. I can only tell you from my experience...the truth big or small is sooooo important.

[StoneCold]

You have to decide what to do - it is your life and and your choice..

 

What he/she said...which is ultimately what I'm saying...

 

 

I can only tell you from my experience...the truth big or small is sooooo important.

 

OP I can also tell you that from my experience the truth is not always the best policy...

 

And thats the advantage of throwing these concerns out there. You'll get differing opinions one not any more "right" than the otehr as it boils down to a matter of opinion for the most part.

 

OP you'll have to decide where you stand in this situation in all its entirety and act accordingly....

[Hazel_eyes]

I personally think you should tell Mike. These sorts of things always have a way of coming out at some point. For example you can control keeping your mouth quiet about it, but what about Dan? How do you know he hasn't already told someone he kissed you? It could very easily go around and get back to Mike. He could be mad at you now and decide to tell Mike. You can't control Dan's behavior.

 

If it was my husband that did this I would want to know. I would be hurt and angry, but it was just a kiss and it would be something I would be willing to work through with him. If he was truly remorseful then I wouldn't end it. I would probably want to get some couples counseling done because things like this generally don't just happen, something led up to it. Most (not all) serious couples don't even communicate with their exes, it is considered disrespectful and can lead to dangers like the one you found yourself in. But different relationships have different boundaries. Would Mike be okay with you even talking to your ex? What is that boundary for the 2 of you?

 

Now if my husband lied and tried to cover it up and I find out later down the road there is a good chance that that would be the end of things for me. Because, in my mind, he didn't respect me enough to 1) keep his lips to himself but more importantly 2) be honest with me about it. I would question the integrity of EVERYTHING in the relationship because he broke a boundary and lied about it. I would probably not believe him that it was only a kiss, in my mind why lie about it if it was that simple? To me it would scream that he obviously has no problem lying to me, so what can I trust and not trust.

 

Tell Mike, and truly let him know how remorseful you are and that you want to fix this whether it is couples therapy or getting some individual counseling to figure out why you even let yourself get to that point. If you show that you on your own initiative are taking steps to fix this and show how truly sorry you are then he will see that you are serious about it. Worst case scenario if you do break up you would have figured out what led you to this and know how to prevent it in the future.

 

Nothing good comes from lies, and if the truth does come out it will cause much more destruction then if you had just been upfront from the beginning. Do you really want to spend years carrying the guilt of this lie, or worrying about him finding out?

 

I hope things work out for you, Mike, and your son.

[rafallus]

He really loves me.

How do you know?

 

Does he know that part of you who still feels for Dan? Does he love it? Could knowledge of it change his feelings? Or may he leave you even in spite of feelings? Or maybe he will like that new side of you? Or maybe even arrange a threesome?

 

It can be spun in a million ways. Now you don't know much. Not that I do (or anyone else).

Edited August 11, 2011 by rafallus

[PelicanPete]

If you truly do care about Mike, I think you should tell him. Respecting the people you care about is just as important as loving them, and it would be disrespectful towards him if he found out from someone elses mouth down the road. He is your fiancee after all. If he finds out about you not telling him about the kiss, he may start thinking about what else you might not be telling him.

 

It isn't as bad as sleeping with another guy, but kissing someone else is still a form of cheating. You could say that it was just a kiss, therefore you shouldn't have to tell him, but if it was really just a kiss, it should be a lot easier to come clean to him and be honest about it. Since your so reluctant to tell him, I think there's a bit more that you don't want Mike to piece together.

[Chi townD]

So, I take it that you have no interest in telling "Mark" anything that you have done?

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed wouldn't you expect Mike to be honest and open with you? You are engaged to this man. How can you not tell him?

[DepressedinDenver]

Shes not going to tell him.

 

She didnt respect Mike enough to stop herself from kissing another man. Why would she respect Mike enough to tell him the truth so he can make his own opinion on the matter?

[2011aug]

I feel as though I need Dan in my life, but how do I get to that point where I can let that old relationship and the what-ifs about if I would have just stayed for a week longer go?

 

Quote from her first post, Vamaranth still has feelings for Dan. That's not fair to her fiance, Mike.

 

She should tell Mike so he can make an informed decision.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Oh, so cheaters get a great reception just so long as they tell the person they are with and do it again, tell them again, "Oh ok they told them, they're a good person again."

No, that is not the way it works. I've met a lot of ****heads like that. I am filled with remorse for my actions, and I am truly sorry, and I love him very much. I have also told my ex to stay away...

I've decided that telling him would ruin more than needs to be ruined. I'm not thinking of myself, I am thinking about my son. Thank you again Nay.

 

Hey!!! This guy IS NOT the real father of your son. You have NO RIGHT to try and trick him into marriage.

 

If you can't be honest what the hell are you even doing in the relationship in the first place. You clearly are not over your Ex yet.

 

Don't you dare hide behind your son. That a nasty trick.

 

Just stand up, and be honest. Face the music and weather the storm. If you just kissed him then most guys wouldn't throw away a great relationship for that. You did the deed now grow a pair and fix it.

[Donewrong]

Vamaranth..How are you today?

 

Have you decided what you are going to do?

[AlexDP]

Hi All,

 

So, I was perusing this website and realized that there were a lot of helpful people on here...so here's my problem...hope someone can help.

 

Me nd my now ex boyfriend Dan had been dating for bout 2 years. We argued quite often due to the fact he lived 5 hours away. In person though, was wonderful...we were madly in love, and you could tell. However, the fighting got to me in the end and I ended up breaking up with him one week before he moved back to my city.

 

A week later, not even trying to meet someone new, I met my current fiancee Mike. Everything was fine until Dan got in touch with me a couple months ago. I love Mike very much, but that irresistable spark is there with Dan still, and now I have spun into depression because recently while hanging out with Dan...I cheated. I thought my willpower could handle it, I thought I was a better person than this. Mike has no clue...but I am trying to work on my issues...

 

I feel as though I need Dan in my life, but how do I get to that point where I can let that old relationship and the what-ifs about if I would have just stayed for a week longer go?

 

I must add that I have a little boy and that Mike has fully accepted him as his own and he calls him dad...as his real dad isn't in the picture.

 

I'm also due to get married to Mike in a year...

 

What do I do? I feel so terrible, I have never cheated before and always said I wouldn't...

 

 

- You have a kid, but the dad is out of the picture.

- You met Mike a week after you broke it off with Dan.

- You cheated on Mike with Dan, because he got back in touch.

- You admit you act on impulse.

 

I think you may need help.

[Kelemort]

This is one of the reasons why I think that exes need to stay exes and not contact each other unless they have children. Because more often than not, at least one person still carries a torch. And with a long enough time - or in a more relaxed relationship like a friendship - it gets easy to forget the reasons why you broke up in the first place. You have history together, you have physical attraction to each other, and at least some compatibility to have started dating in the first place. It SHOULD be a threat to a future relationship if you keep an ex hanging around in the back-burner. I highly, highly doubt most cases of seeing an ex again have much to do with mild curiosity or just a need for a new friend. You can find a new friend anywhere, and it doesn't have to be someone who can pose such a threat to your new relationship. But, off that soapbox...

 

It's time to come clean to your fiancee. And if he doesn't dump you, it is time to cut all contact with Dan. Permanently. Tell him that you do not want any further communication and if he tries to communicate with you, you will not respond. Don't give me the excuse of "it's so hard." I've been there, done that, even with guys who had me feeling like I was split in two. But you know what? It was for the better.

 

It showed all future prospects that I wasn't going to let my PAST hinder our relationship. You've already let yours get in the way of your relationship.

 

So make your decision - go back to Dan after your fiancee breaks up with you or try to make a go with Mike and dump Dan permanently. But, I suspect if you do go to Dan, he'll be looking over his shoulder wondering who you'll cheat with - since you cheated with him, he can't trust that you won't cheat ON him.

[tobeornottobe]

If you really love mike and you are SURE about him AND the kiss with Dan was truly a mistake and you beleive it wouldnt happen again...

 

dont tell Mike.....its not worth the agrivation over a kiss...just put your focus into the relationship with Mike and keep your distance from Dan

I'm with you on this one, StoneCold. If the OP decides to tell Mike, it's fine, but don't pressure yourself out of guilt. If you are convinced it was a slip, learn from it, set boundaries for yourself, and move on without guilt or condemnation, the latter which some LS members seem to excel at. Edited August 13, 2011 by tobeornottobe

[Layzie89]

I'm with you on this one, StoneCold. If the OP decides to tell Mike, it's fine, but don't pressure yourself out of guilt. If you are convinced it was a slip, learn from it, set boundaries for yourself, and move on without guilt or condemnation, the latter which some LS members seem to excel at.

Are you guys really telling the OP to just let this one go and continue on as if it never happened? Worst advice ever in my opinion. This is her fiance for crying out loud, the man she's going to marry and make her vows with and here you guys are advising her to let this one slide unnoticed? Give me a break. Put yourself in her fiances shoes...if you were about to get married and your SO slipped up, wouldn't you rather have him/her confess a mistake then hide it because 'telling you would do more harm then good?' This is a damn marriage that's underway, marriages are based on love and trust and here you are advocating lying and deceit while they're still engaged? Don't be ridiculous. Regardless of how big or small the mistake was, kissingm touching, intercourse, CHEATING IS CHEATING and the only way a couple can grow is if they are completely honest with each other. The person cheated on can either decide to work through it and try and salvage the relationship or he can simply call it quits and the cheater should know and accept that they are the one that ****ed it up.

 

OP, if you really love and care for Mike, prove it. Do him a favor and be honest with him. This man loved you enough to ask you to be his WIFE and here you are sneaking around with Dan I feel like throughout this whole mess, confessing to Mike is the least you can do to show him you actually DO care. Or you can be a coward like a few others here are proposing, not tell Mike and feel nothing but guilt while your staring into the eyes of Mike on your wedding day.

 

The choice is yours.

[Space Ritual]

When I made the decision to see Dan, it was because we had been talking and he asked me to go for coffee. I said yes because I wasn't even thinking about the possibility of me doing something like kissing him.

 

During coffee with Dan, he told me he had just broken up with his girlfriend the night before. I consoled him. Later on, he dropped me off at home, I got out of the car, gave him a hug, and told him it was nice seeing him, and then he kissed me and I guess in the moment I kissed him back.

 

I thought enough time had passed to where there would be no feelings left, as I hadn't had any before then for him, even old feelings.

 

You are so full of crap your teeth are floating

[Kelemort]

Her fiancee should get the right to know. He's a member of this violated relationship. How unfair that he's kept out of the dark while his fiancee was having her needs met elsewhere; how unfair that HE might be exposed to STDs because of her behavior (we don't know where Dan has been) and so on. He gets to know whether it was a one-night stand or an ongoing affair. That's simply the decent, respectable and at the very least...COURTEOUS (never thought I'd use that word in this context) thing to do in the wake of infidelity.

 

The problem with "Just promise you won't do it again and keep it a secret" is that it rarely works out that way. The thrill of an affair is like a drug - you do it, you don't get caught, and you want more of that high. You may always 'promise' yourself - just like any other addict 'promises' they won't do it again - but that's often meaningless the first time temptation comes rolling back around. Her fiancee deserves to know so he can either bail or work through it; but if he is going to work through it, he deserves to know so he can do his part to make sure this doesn't happen again. I'm not saying it's his fault - but at least he can know about the demons involved in his relationship.

 

Truthfully, I hope that Mike bails and moves on with his life, because it's clear OP still has strong feelings for Dan that she doesn't want to move past. And for the duration of their relationship, Mike is either going to feel like second best and/or his girlfriend's going to be pining after Dan whether or not he is or isn't in the picture. It's just totally not fair to Mike, who sounds like a respectable guy who took on the burden of raising someone else's child. There are few men who would do so so willingly - and since I'm going to guess everyone involved is relatively young, that makes it even more remarkable. A young guy without children happily raising someone else's child getting stomped on by an old flame? Ouch.

[camper15935]

If you really love mike and you are SURE about him AND the kiss with Dan was truly a mistake and you beleive it wouldnt happen again...

 

dont tell Mike.....its not worth the agrivation over a kiss...just put your focus into the relationship with Mike and keep your distance from Dan

 

 

I agree with this person. If your sure about mike then never mention it. Most important never talk to or see dan. Even as far to turn or walk rudely away if you bumb into him. Anything less shows you wanted the kiss and more. good luck.

[zebrack25]

You're not a bad person by any means, but you're incredibly selfish. Marriage is built on honesty, and you not telling him is being dishonest. You say you're not telling him for the kid, but what about your husband? From an outside perspective, do you think he deserves someone who cheated on him and didn't tell him? I think you're afraid of facing the consequences of your actions because it will affect more than just you, but that was the choice you made when you decided to cheat on him in the first place. I really hope you do the right thing and tell him, even if it means going to MC or you two breaking up. Best of luck

[zebrack25]

Clume, I agree with most of your posts in this one.

[Chi townD]

Dead thread, we didn't tell OP what she wanted to hear, so she probably won't be coming back.