Hurt and so mad at myself

[Hurt and stupid]

I've been lurking for a long time. So many posts have helped me but I should have paid more attention.

 

Please bear with the long post. I have know MM for most of my life we dated off and on from Jr. High through college, so yes I knew exactly what he was. I'm normally a very intelligent person. I'm a high powered executive twice divorced (apparently I know how to pick them, second hus was emotionally abusive and an alcholic). Fast forward 26 years, I saw him in a local store one day and we talked, we often run into each other since we live very close, but this time he decided to accidentally run into me for a week straight. We talked a lot and next thing you know it happened. I always had a place in my heart for him so i was very easy for him to get back in. I was in middle of divorce, and he knew just the right things to say. He made me feel so special and loved. The intelligent part of me said no don't do it. The stupid emotional side fell hook line and sinker. We would talk or text all night. He told me I was always his soul mate. He is a serial cheater. We even discussed how he has NEVER been faithful to his wife and she has caught him cheating at least 4 times that he told me. Intelligent side saying run, No I didn't listen. He made me feel alive again. Things were great for a almost 9 months, Then the lies started, he said he was having problems with is x ow, who I now believe he was actually pursing the entire time and not so x. They were together for 4 years. Two months later it happened d-day. Says wife found both secret phones. Our secret phone and the one I didn't know about. She's knows he has apartment. That's nice, I didn't know he did but he said he text xow about it and wife saw that. Next day he calls tells me his life is falling apart. He is going on vacation for month with wife and kids but will be in touch don't worry everything will be ok. Says if BS contacts me to say we are just friends and joke around Sexting, wants me to make sure we are on same page. Yea that bus hurt running me over. Then next day I get text that he is going to make his marriage work give it 110%, going to counseling going to do whatever it takes. Realized he needs to give his kids a family. I was an emotional wreck. Then the texts start that he is thinking about me loves me, counseling on hold till he gets back. Having wonderful time with the kids. Things will get better when he gets back and we will be able to talk more. So much for 110%. I was doing good. I was trying to move on with my life but knew he would be back soon. I knew I needed to run but didn't. He came home and called and texted then, last week I got the I haven't stopped thinking about you. I want you, I love you always will. Asks if I still want him? Sucked in like a Hoover, I'm back to that bad place. Last text I get 2 days later Big problems will call and explain beginning of week. I love you. Haven't heard from him in a week. Phone is turned off. I'm an emotional wreck. I hate myself for being so stupid. For believing all his lies, For letting my heart and not my head rule. I know he is a player and always has been. It's the whole bad boy thing. I hate myself for what I allowed to happen. I hate that I really wasn't even good enough to warrant a F-off phone call. I'm done with you. I know what we had was really nothing. I was just another of his long line of affairs. I'm trying so hard to move forward but I'm afraid that I will run into him very soon. he's going to have his excuses. I have always had trust issues with men and he knew this. I was doing good trying to get over him. Now it's day one all over again. Thanks for listening I just needed to get this off my chest. I wish there was a pill you could take to make the pain go away. I feel so Hurt, Used and Stupid and I allowed it all.

[stillafool]

Hello high powered executive, it would be nice if your used paragraphs as this was hard to read.

 

Sorry about your situation, but what can I say that you don't already know. You have to find the strength within yourself to rise above this situation. You have to go strictly NO CONTACT. That means blocking every vessel he can use to contact you. If you run into him on the street turn and run. You know what you have to do so just do it.

[Hurt and stupid]

sorry about the no paragraphs. I was on a roll. I'm just so afraid my stupid side is going to take control and I will allow him back in.

 

I'm an emotional wreck right now and just needed to get this out of my heart and head.

[KathyM]

Wow, you were really used by this man, thrown away and played for a fool. And you're not some naive girl thinking he's going to leave his wife and live happily ever after with you. Unfortunately, you don't see him for what he is, and it doesn't repulse you. You see him as the person you dated for so long during high school and college, the person you still have feelings for, and the person that is so familiar. You don't see him as a pathetic snake in the grass who is rotten inside and has no feelings for anyone but himself. As long as you won't allow yourself to see him for what he really is, but rather see him for what you want him to be, you will continue to be weak and talked into continuing with him. Or until you get the personal strength to not be talked into doing something you know is bad for you. I would suggest you see a counselor. Maybe a counselor can help you develop some inner strength to stop making choices that you know are bad for you.

[TurboGirl]

Hurt,

 

suggest that you write out the lies he told you on a piece of paper - and refer to it often - and also write out anything negative about him... serial cheater, had the extra phone you didn't know about, etc... keep looking at the list.

 

My xMM was/is a serial cheater too, and I was dumped via text message after 2.5 years... so trust me I know the pain.

 

You need to get good and ANGRY with this guy who played you. I don't care that you have known him all of your life - apparently you didn't know him all that well, who he truly was.

 

These texts from him - when he chooses to text you - is all about YOU replying, that you miss him, can't wait to see him, love him, blah blah, because it feeds his sick pathetic ego. Please do not even consider attempting to contact him - REALLY. And do not reply if he contacts you! If you see him, turn the other way and please do not engage. This guy is not worth spit. You have to look in the mirror and see the smart, wonderful, intelligent and good woman that you are and tell yourself over & over that you deserve the best from a man who is available - not the crumbs from this liar & cheat.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Serial cheater... Look it up! Women are like lines of cocaine to him! Has nothing to do with love or lust, it's about power, manipulation and control. You're not dealing with a whole person. Count your lucky stars, dump him and move on!

[MissBee]

sorry about the no paragraphs. I was on a roll. I'm just so afraid my stupid side is going to take control and I will allow him back in.

 

I'm an emotional wreck right now and just needed to get this out of my heart and head.

 

 

I empathize with you and would suggest that some counseling would help you to put your contradictory feelings and behaviors in perspective.

 

I would also suggest checking out this book: : Loving Him without Losing You: How to Stop Disappearing and Start Being Yourself by Beverly Engel. It's a greaaaaat book that helps you address these types of issues. If you go to Amazon, you can peek inside the book.

 

I'd also suggest you Google the site Baggage Reclaim, as it has lots of articles and stories from other woman, similar to yourself, that will help you to understand what's going on and eventually change it.

Edited August 11, 2011 by MissBee

[Hurt and stupid]

Thank you all for your responses. I actually just started IC, need to gain control of MY life.

 

Seeing what I have tolerated, written out, really makes me want to smack myself, what the hell was I thinking what rational person would put up with this crap. I have no intentions of contacting him. Running into him does scare me, I know it's bound to happen soon and I just have to make sure I stay strong.

[Zaphod B]

The others have said it all. Wipe him from your life. Have nothing to do with the low life scum bag.

[So Very Confused]

Don't beat yourself up too badly. These guys have a way of telling you (us) exactly what you (we) want to hear and because you (we) want to hear it so badly, you (we) fall for it.

 

Having a secret phone and another apartment sure sounds like a big betrayal. Knowing he has a wife is bad enough, but knowing he also has other women is really disgusting.

 

Somebody else suggested making a list and I agree. That's what I've done. I made a list of everything about the MM that irritated me and made me mad. Every time I start thinking about how much I miss him or how much I wish it could have worked out, I look at my list and focus on the facts instead of focusing on my crazy emotions.

 

I don't think you've heard the last from your MM. I think he'll be back and I hope you'll have the strength to leave him under the rock he crawled out of.