Girlfriend keeps in touch with exboyfriend

[scootersteve]

Hi,

 

I"m in a year long relationship with a girl. We recently broke up for a couple of days and when the weekend came, she had made plans to go riding with her old boyfriend ( had a relationship for 10 years with him). The next week, we get back together after she calls me saying she misses me. All is going well. I decide to be honest with her and tell her I had been talking with a girl on the internet and now that we were back together I would stop that and have no contact with her. She then says she wants to be honest with me and says her ex had asked if she would cut his hair sometime and she had said yes. Also, that he calls her now and then, about once a week just to see how she is doing. She has told me before that he would like to get back with her. He also told her he hopes we don't get back together so maybe he has another shot with her. She says she won't go back to him.

 

I asked her to ask him not to call anymore and skip the haircut. I was very uncomfortable with this. She says she doesn't want to hurt his feelings, that he's down on his luck and telling him to stop calling her could push him over the edge. Also, he always fixed things around her house and she wants to know she can fall back on him if she can't get if fixed herself of by me. Said she had never had a man she could count on to help her except for him. She is afraid if we don't work out she won't have him to fall back on for help.

 

I don't know how to look at this. I was in a relationship many years ago and the girlfriend would get calls from two ex boyfriends and would go in the other room to talk with them. Tried to put up with it but made me miserable. We finally got into a big fight, she went off for the weekend and met one of the guys who had been calling her. We split up after that.

 

This feels like that all over again.

 

HELP!!!

 

Steve

[bluechocolate]

Also, he always fixed things around her house and she wants to know she can fall back on him if she can't get if fixed herself of by me.

 

what a user !

 

Said she had never had a man she could count on to help her except for him. She is afraid if we don't work out she won't have him to fall back on for help.

 

so she keeps two men on the hop - pathetic user !

 

I asked her to ask him not to call anymore and skip the haircut. I was very uncomfortable with this. She says she doesn't want to hurt his feelings

 

what about your feelings?

 

I don't know how to look at this

 

You need to get this pathetic user of a girl out of your life - tell her to go back to her old boyfriend. Nothing but misery will come from this.

[Fritz]

I gotta agree with BC. She doesn't seem to be considering your feelings here. This isn't just a friend, its an ex bf. Nuthin but trouble and misery will come of this unless you put your foot down.

[Thinkalot]

I don't know if I'd be as harsh as the others here...but I have to agree, your girl needs to understand that YOUR feelings need to come first here. Perhaps she is a bit confused about that, or simply doesn't realise that she is hurting you with this behaviour. She needs to fully let go of the ex, so you two can move forward. I wouldn't like the situation either.

 

Talk to her about this...try and be honest about what you expect.

[scootersteve]

Thank you all for your advice. We have let the subject rest for a few days and plan to meet with a clergyman this week to talk about it further. It seems the general view is "it's not the norm to have this in a relationship". That lets me know I'm not thinking or asking for something unrealistic here.

 

I appreciate your time and input. I'll let you know how it works out.

 

Sincerely, Steve

[amerikajin]

>>>This feels like that all over again.<<<

 

I think you should trust your instincts. Relationships are about trust, and respect. It's good that she's being honest with you, but she has to be more than just honest. She has to respect your feelings, and I think that she's instead paying a little too much attention to her herself.

 

The trick is that you always have to lay down the law, and you have to be prepared to accept the consequences of doing that. With every girl you date, you have to strike a careful balance between being relaxed enough to give a woman space on one hand while letting her know that you're not going to put up with any s*** on the other. A girl should always know that you don't need her, that you can always replace her with someone else if necessary. It seems like that in this relationship and in your past relationships you've been too nice with women. It's okay to be a nice guy, but don't be too nice.

 

The cold, hard reality about relationships is that they are conditional, and even in the best of relationships there is some manipulation involved on some level. It's often not on the conscious level, but something we often do without thinking. Something as innocent as picking up the phone to talk to an ex we haven't heard from in a while...it's a way of making a plan B in case plan A goes south. I may be wrong, but I'd say that unless we're in a committed relationship like matrimony, most of us have done it before at least once - if not more than that.

 

Right now you're girl is trying to manipulate what she can in the relationship, just as you were manipulating your own situation by talking to girls on the Net. The difference is that you've expressed a desire to discontinue your manipulation while she hasn't yet agreed to that. That leaves the relationship unbalanced and it sets you up for heartache. Tell her you're not going to stop talking to other women until she's stopped talking with her ex. She is not her ex's counselor, so she should spare you the sob story.

[Thinkalot]

amerikajin, if I may digress for a moment. What is your personal view on maintaining contact with exes once in a relationship? I just posted something about boundaries in the general section, and I'd be interested in any viewpoints, simply out of curiousity, as I know different things suit different people. It was recently an ex's birthday. Well, I say ex, but they were really a friend, with whom I had a fling some years back, and then resumed a friendship with them. I remembered, but since it was the ex my partner does not like, I decided not to make a birthday call, out of respect for my guy, and because, basically the ex/friend has no role in my life now anyway.

 

scootersteve, if I get any replies there, they may be of interest to you too.

[scootersteve]

Thanks for your reply.

 

Personally, I don't have contact with my past ex's. If I had a child with a person, ( I have not had any) I would stay in touch to discuss the parenting issues but otherwise I feel I have moved to a new chapter in my life and I feel I should devote 100% of my efforts and feelings in this new relationship.

 

In this case, I also know the ex would like us to fail so he might have another chance with her (according to her own words) and they do talk about her troubles when she is having trouble in her present relationship. Now, she says she will never go back to him in her defense. I just don't feel good about her having what I consider intimate contact with another person who has an interest in her other than just being a friend.

 

I'll look at the other thread and see what info you gather there.

 

Thanks

 

Steve

[jmargel]

My fiancee used to keep in contact with her ex. Called like once a month to see how he was doing. She told me she just had good intentions, that she cared for him as a friend. Of course talking to him, he would try to make her feel guilty. That his life is in such shambles and that she wasn't fair to him..

 

It all came to a halt when her & me were at a club and he was there. Things got very tense, and at that time she realized what was going on. That he was taking her calling as a sign that she wanted him back. He called a week later saying he wanted to see her. She told him no, that it will never happen & that she wants to marry me.

 

Your gf is using both you & him as a safety net. She needs to set him straight. Have her tell him on the phone, while YOU are there that there will be no chance of those two ever getting back together. She is risking the relationship with you and totally ignoring your feelings. You two need boundaries set, and if she doesn't agree with it, then it's better to find out now, then to have what happened to you before, happen again.

 

She is your gf, you should not feel like you are in a competition. If this doesn't stop your trust for her will erode. You have every right for you to be able to say what you would like done in this situation. When you talk to her about this tell her that 'You trust her, but that you know his motives.' That you are uncomfortable with this, and just want to leave in peace with her.

 

Going back to him so fast after taking a break for a day or two should also be an eye opener. You sure they didn't do anything?

 

One other thing. Make a rule that you two NEVER talk about your problems with an ex, or a co-worker. That is a big gaping hole for an interested person to get their foot in the door.

[amerikajin]

>>>What is your personal view on maintaining contact with exes once in a relationship?<<<

 

You have to take it on a case-by-case basis, I think. No two relationships are the same. The dynamics of a relationship are unique to that relationship, even though there may exist similarities to others.

 

>>> I just posted something about boundaries in the general section, and I'd be interested in any viewpoints, simply out of curiousity, as I know different things suit different people. It was recently an ex's birthday. Well, I say ex, but they were really a friend, with whom I had a fling some years back, and then resumed a friendship with them. I remembered, but since it was the ex my partner does not like, I decided not to make a birthday call, out of respect for my guy, and because, basically the ex/friend has no role in my life now anyway. <<<

 

The short of it is that you made the right call. You respected your current boyfriend's wishes and in doing so you made a statement that your current boyfriend is more important than ones in your past.

 

That's why the remaining friends thing, despite the best of intentions, is so cumbersome. The further you go in life without that ex, the less relevant they are to your current life, in which case, why invite trouble? Your bottom line is that when it comes to dating you have to pretty decisive about where people stand. Either they're in your life as your significant other or they aren't, and if they weren't just a friend before now, chances are they'll never be "just a friend."

 

That's my take.

[Pat]

Its simple, my dear. Don't get involved with a confused woman. It will confuse you as well.

 

Well, I know it hurts. But it better than forever. Gook luck.