Are you honest about it?

[noelle303]

I don't know how to phrase the question...like, do you own the fact that you were once (or still) an OW/OM?

 

I have a daughter with xMM, she is 5 months old on Saturday. I raise her by myself since MM excused himself from the situation we both found ourselves in.

 

Anyways... on the urging of my friends and family I went on a date last month and it went really well, we had about three more dates since then and we're just getting to know each other.

 

He hasn't met my daughter but of course she is often brought up since my life is basically her. The question of her dad was also brought up. I just described him as a guy who walked out when I got pregnant...your typical loser deadbeat dad.

 

But you know...as we're getting to know each other more, the topic comes up and some things do feel like lies of omission.

On one hand, 4 dates is not that long, I don't think I need to reveal my sexual history to just about everyone who passes through my life. But on another, when IS the correct time? I don't want too much time to pass, or he finds out another way and then it does feel like I hid and lied.

 

There is of course also that aspect that I am kinda nervous that he would find that too much. You don't want someone you like to look at you and be disappointed.

 

I don't want to hide it. I don't want to advertise it but I also don't want to hide it. I just have to learn to walk that fine line.

And I'm not ashamed of it, I can't be ashamed of it if not for myself than for my daughter who can never think that her conception was something shameful.

 

So, how honest are you about your own affair? Do you ''own'' it? Or do you hide it in shame?

[Emme]

There is another thread similar in the context of when to tell about your past. I say you don't owe anyone an explanation. That topic of your child's father is not at all something that should be a factor. You are not looking for a replacement dad or one to help you financially so don't feel pressured. Date someone for a year maybe you can begin to talk about the background of what you went through with xMM. You owe no one that has just entered into your life any explanations. If you find someone who walks away when you let things out in the light then you can consider yourself very lucky.

 

Keep your chin up, you are correct that there should be no shame. Two people lay down together and a baby is a result of that act the choice was made by them. I wish you luck. In all honesty I think you shouldn't be dating just yet. Give yourself time with your child. Let that relationship be your focus. Tell your family thank you but no thank you. Go out with female friends once in a blue moon to release some tension, but no relationship yet. Good luck hun.

[woinlove]

Yes, I was honest about it. Both to a BF prior to meeting my H and to my H. In both cases, fairly soon, within a few weeks of our first dates. It didn't affect my Rs, but I didn't present the A as anything very positive - including my role and MM's role. I understand yours is a more complex situation.

[MissBee]

I don't know how to phrase the question...like, do you own the fact that you were once (or still) an OW/OM?

 

I have a daughter with xMM, she is 5 months old on Saturday. I raise her by myself since MM excused himself from the situation we both found ourselves in.

 

Anyways... on the urging of my friends and family I went on a date last month and it went really well, we had about three more dates since then and we're just getting to know each other.

 

He hasn't met my daughter but of course she is often brought up since my life is basically her. The question of her dad was also brought up. I just described him as a guy who walked out when I got pregnant...your typical loser deadbeat dad.

 

But you know...as we're getting to know each other more, the topic comes up and some things do feel like lies of omission.

On one hand, 4 dates is not that long, I don't think I need to reveal my sexual history to just about everyone who passes through my life. But on another, when IS the correct time? I don't want too much time to pass, or he finds out another way and then it does feel like I hid and lied.

 

There is of course also that aspect that I am kinda nervous that he would find that too much. You don't want someone you like to look at you and be disappointed.

I don't want to hide it. I don't want to advertise it but I also don't want to hide it. I just have to learn to walk that fine line.

And I'm not ashamed of it, I can't be ashamed of it if not for myself than for my daughter who can never think that her conception was something shameful.

So, how honest are you about your own affair? Do you ''own'' it? Or do you hide it in shame?

 

It's tricky, but I'd suggest you be as truthful as possible, as soon as possible. The more you realize you're interested in him and after feeling him out, I suggest you tell him the truth that you got involved with a married man, it wasn't a wise choice, he opted out, you learned your lesson (or however it is that you feel). I know the stress and worry that comes with omitting key elements and being scared that the person will find out....but the good news is that someone meant to be in your life won't run for the hills screaming. If he does, that's his right to do so, and it's best for both of you, as it would have been an incompatible relationship. It's best to put it out there sooner rather than later before you get attached and have even more reason to omit the truth to keep the status quo.

 

As for me, my A wasn't with a married guy and we didn't have a child together, so I suppose in some ways IF I chose never to bring it up, it wouldn't be something obviously awry. I am not ashamed of it, as I have since learned and I've grown and it was but one example of various other dubious relationships I got into. I am more ashamed of dating my single ex smh. ...but even that was a lesson learned and all my mistakes, heartbreaks and foolishness have shaped me.

 

When past relationships come up, I tell the truth and am frank about what happened but I hold no shame because I'm no longer like that and I very much believe in being authentic and having a man take it or leave it. I don't announce things on the first date but if and when the conversation comes up naturally, I put it out there. I used to worry about controlling my image and molding myself to be more of what I thought a man would like (if he seemed to like extra virginal women, I would downplay the sexual aspects of my life, if he seemed to like feisty women I would play up those aspects etc and it was very tiring! Now I'm just me....). I think you should own your mistake, be authentic and frank about it and be absolutely okay with realizing that you and your situation may not be everyone's cup of tea...and that's fine because you'll meet someone who loves and admires you for who you are in its entirety.

[MissBee]

There is another thread similar in the context of when to tell about your past. I say you don't owe anyone an explanation. That topic of your child's father is not at all something that should be a factor. You are not looking for a replacement dad or one to help you financially so don't feel pressured. Date someone for a year maybe you can begin to talk about the background of what you went through with xMM. You owe no one that has just entered into your life any explanations. If you find someone who walks away when you let things out in the light then you can consider yourself very lucky.

 

Keep your chin up, you are correct that there should be no shame. Two people lay down together and a baby is a result of that act the choice was made by them. I wish you luck. In all honesty I think you shouldn't be dating just yet. Give yourself time with your child. Let that relationship be your focus. Tell your family thank you but no thank you. Go out with female friends once in a blue moon to release some tension, but no relationship yet. Good luck hun.

 

I kind of agree with the bolded...

 

I imagine that dating when you have a 5 month old makes the question of the child's father even more obvious or a pink elephant, as the baby is pretty new. With a toddler or something, I suppose people expect that in that time the relationship could have changed and so on but with a new baby, the "What happened?" is more pertinent.

 

 

I do agree that someone new to your life isn't owed anything; however, if one is pursuing a serious relationship, I do think certain information should be put out there so that this person can make an informed decision and the relationship can grow authentically. I think if one waits too long (and attachments form, like in that other thread) to disclose certain things, it stresses you out if you feel you're hiding something and then when it comes to light, that other person feels like you had a huge window to say your truth but chose not to. It's easier IME to tell your truth sooner when it's easy to walk away (if it comes down to that) than to wait. I think it relieves burdens on your own peace of mind, when you KNOW that this person is around and chooses to be around after knowing the truth than that feeling of some "dday " of sorts looming on the horizon, 6 months, a year, 2 years, later.

[jj33]

Noelle you dont have to tell anyone anything you dont want to tell them and not telling doesnt mean there is shame. It simply means its not relevant.

 

You were truthful. This guy bailed when you got pregnant. He didnt want to own his role as the babys father. If you want to say more you can if you dont want to you dont have to. Your situation is trickier because the child is so young and you may have issues around child support etc as the child gets older or may change your mind about telling the child and your husband whoever he may be.

 

For those of us who did not have children with the MP, its not the same issue. The xMM/MW becomes another ex lover after a time. No more, no less.

[TurboGirl]

No one's business. PLEASE don't blab your entire past to a new guy, never a good idea. The new guy does NOT need to know the situation of your baby's dad - just that you were in a relationship and the relationship is now over, and you have your wonderful baby. That's it.

 

As far as I'm concerned - that total honestly about every little snippet of your past is BS. It's need to know, and any new guys don't need to know, even if it gets serious. If it gets serious and you feel comfortable talking about it, then sure. But again, its the past and not his biz unless he is planning on supporting and adopting your daughter!

[cupshalfempty]

I don't see the problem in telling a new possible R about a past R. So you were the OW, you weren't the one cheating, you loved a man that lied. I don't see all the shame in it. My family knows about my mm, my friends do too. I'm not happy about it, but I don't hide it from people I am close too. As for future R's, if relationship and ex R talks come up I don't see why you wouldn't just be honet. Everyone has skeletons in their closet and if the guy can't accept yours..move on until you find someone worthwhile that will accept you for ALL of you.

[jj33]

What you told him thus far I think is fine and dandy but do not lie. That will kill a new relationship. If you have a conversation about cheating you have to be honest then.

 

For those who say it's nunya, why is that? Is it shame? You should not enter into a relationship with someone if you are not comfortable revealing your past with them. Part of a relationship is total honesty and really getting to know the person.

 

Humorous, other women profess they are not ashamed of being the other women but then when asked if they would revela their past they won't. Why if you really feel their is nothing wrong with being the ow?

 

No its not shame but not having had a baby with him and it having been years since hte relationship and having had lots of relationships in my life I seriuosly dont plan on walking a new person through each and every one fo them yeah there were a lot:laugh:

 

So I tell people the highlights. The fact that is married in not a highlight in my book. It doesnt make a difference in the story of "these are my prior reltainships". Of course if someone asked if I had been with a MM I would be honest but I cant see that it would come up.

[Under The Radar]

Noelle303,

 

I asked a similar question in the thread "Does My Past Matter?" and got a lot of good responses. You might want to check it out to get some more perspective on this issue.

 

In my case, I really don't know if I would share my past with anyone in the future. To me, at this time, it is an unanswerable question. I will say you should only discuss what you are comfortable with. In your case, I don't think you are obligated to share who your baby's father is, but it is complicated, and I empathize with your difficult decision.

 

Everybody views this topic differently so you never know how someone might react. If I was dating a woman and she decided to disclose to me your exact situation, and I was in love with her, I would accept her regardless of the past. In fact, I would understand why you might have been reluctant to share that information, perhaps fearing a loss of the relationship.

 

I agree with you and others here that there should be no shame where your child came from. However, consider that you hide this, the relationship progresses, and for medical reasons someday the father has to be sought out and exposure is inevitable? What if someday the father's conscience kicks in and he wants to have a relationship with your child? Conversely, what if your child wants to know who their real father is someday and starts asking questions? Now, if you, your child, and this new man have formed a tight bond over a substantial period of time, he would probably be around to find out through happenstance. A poster mentioned the possibility of adoption someday which I would think could drudge up the biological father's information.

 

Anyway, I'm not trying to be a wet blanket and complicate matters for you even more than they probably are. I certainly do not judge you and understand how hard a decision like this could be. After all, you do seem to like this man and like all of us want to be accepted. Of course, as you have already stated your child is the focus of your life and an absolute priority.

 

I am just giving you some food for thought so that you do not end up hurt. Some guys would not have a problem with the past and others would react poorly. As previously mentioned, if he really does care about you and your child he would accept your past in my opinion.

[fooled once]

I don't know how to phrase the question...like, do you own the fact that you were once (or still) an OW/OM?

 

I have a daughter with xMM, she is 5 months old on Saturday. I raise her by myself since MM excused himself from the situation we both found ourselves in.

 

Anyways... on the urging of my friends and family I went on a date last month and it went really well, we had about three more dates since then and we're just getting to know each other.

 

He hasn't met my daughter but of course she is often brought up since my life is basically her. The question of her dad was also brought up. I just described him as a guy who walked out when I got pregnant...your typical loser deadbeat dad.

 

But you know...as we're getting to know each other more, the topic comes up and some things do feel like lies of omission.

On one hand, 4 dates is not that long, I don't think I need to reveal my sexual history to just about everyone who passes through my life. But on another, when IS the correct time? I don't want too much time to pass, or he finds out another way and then it does feel like I hid and lied.

 

There is of course also that aspect that I am kinda nervous that he would find that too much. You don't want someone you like to look at you and be disappointed.

 

I don't want to hide it. I don't want to advertise it but I also don't want to hide it. I just have to learn to walk that fine line.

And I'm not ashamed of it, I can't be ashamed of it if not for myself than for my daughter who can never think that her conception was something shameful.

 

So, how honest are you about your own affair? Do you ''own'' it? Or do you hide it in shame?

 

Yes I owned my affair. I told my now H about the affair probably on our 2nd or 3rd date. We were talking about our previous relationships, etc. I saw no need to lie or not own what I did. My H accepted it (obviously!) and has never, ever made me feel bad about it. I refuse to hide in shame and you shouldn't either.

[TurningTables]

why why should you not be honest getting to know a new person. Are you hoping they will fall in love with you first and then you pull out the real you? You can not be that fantasy girl. That is not fair. You need to be the real you.

 

Ok, I cannot belive Im saying this but kristismiles is right about the above statement. Spot on in fact.

 

There is another thread similar to yours however, the guy ended up waiting 10 months to tell her and then she resented him for it for the next 3 years? When he asks about your daughter and her father ( what role he plays, why he isnt around) you need to be honest with him. You want someone who is going to want you fully: the good, the bad and the ugly. If not, you will always have this hidden and that is NOT a good way to keep a relationship strong. You have to have a strong foundation and lying/omitting facts isnt the way to go about it.

[Under The Radar]

Ok, I cannot belive Im saying this but kristismiles is right about the above statement. Spot on in fact.

 

There is another thread similar to yours however, the guy ended up waiting 10 months to tell her and then she resented him for it for the next 3 years? When he asks about your daughter and her father ( what role he plays, why he isnt around) you need to be honest with him. You want someone who is going to want you fully: the good, the bad and the ugly. If not, you will always have this hidden and that is NOT a good way to keep a relationship strong. You have to have a strong foundation and lying/omitting facts isnt the way to go about it.

 

 

That was me. The funny thing is that the guy she fell in love with was the real me. Anyway, I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, but one I won't repeat is sticking around to be someone's punching bag due to anger/disappointment (yes, for 3 years). I am sure getting hurt is going to be inevitable because life seems to operate that way, but no one has to be abused.

 

Sorry for the Rant/Thread Highjack - carry on ...

[TurboGirl]

why why should you not be honest getting to know a new person. Are you hoping they will fall in love with you first and then you pull out the real you? You can not be that fantasy girl. That is not fair. You need to be the real you.

 

I disagree. Unless the man is planning on being in her life forever, i.e., adopting and supporting the child, he does not need to know the entire sordid story about the OP and the MM. And even then, it is at the OP's discretion.

 

What is this fantasy girl nonsense? The OP has a small child, there is no man, and frankly that is all any BF needs to know until the OP gets serious with the guy. Do you tell every man you date your entire life history, all the sordid nasty details, what you did, how many people you slept with, blah blah blah? If so... that is insane.

 

The past is the PAST and should remain that...

[jwi71]

Tough.

 

As a man who "recently" dated some single moms I was naturally curious to the father.

But the why's may surprise you.

 

I wondered if we (the father and I) shared similar beliefs in child rearing (I have two myself).

I wondered how active and involved he is in their lives (ie, is this going to be a hassle)?

I wondered how he would react to my possible entrance into his children's lives.

I wondered about his past and current R with his ex-wife and how it might affect our budding R.

I wondered what type of man he is (in terms of maturity, or other traits (fits of rage perhaps)).

 

Your child's father will generate these questions to men you date.

I, for one, believe these suitors deserve to know how and in what ways the father will or can potentially affect your R. And you'd better believe a baby's parent can radically alter any R you are in. Witness this thread.

 

If I were you I would be honest.

Say the baby's father is not in the picture nor ever to likely be in the picture.

Defer any other questions until you are in a solid and healthy relationship - you'll talk about it later. That's all that needs to be said.

 

And when you are satisfied that your R with <whomever> is strong and healthy, sit him down and tell him. All of it.

 

My .02

[NoIDidn't]

Tough.

 

As a man who "recently" dated some single moms I was naturally curious to the father.

But the why's may surprise you.

 

I wondered if we (the father and I) shared similar beliefs in child rearing (I have two myself).

I wondered how active and involved he is in their lives (ie, is this going to be a hassle)?

I wondered how he would react to my possible entrance into his children's lives.

I wondered about his past and current R with his ex-wife and how it might affect our budding R.

I wondered what type of man he is (in terms of maturity, or other traits (fits of rage perhaps)).

 

Your child's father will generate these questions to men you date.

I, for one, believe these suitors deserve to know how and in what ways the father will or can potentially affect your R. And you'd better believe a baby's parent can radically alter any R you are in. Witness this thread.

 

If I were you I would be honest.

Say the baby's father is not in the picture nor ever to likely be in the picture.

Defer any other questions until you are in a solid and healthy relationship - you'll talk about it later. That's all that needs to be said.

 

And when you are satisfied that your R with <whomever> is strong and healthy, sit him down and tell him. All of it.

 

My .02

 

I like the questions you offer that a man dating a woman with a small child is likely to consider.

 

Who the baby's father is, is important. I think most guys want to know for various reasons. I don't think the OP does herself any favors in hiding the nature of the relationship that produced the baby.

 

But I think its a mistake to wait until the relationship is "solid" because a revelation at that time has the capability of ruining what was solid and turning it shaky. It comes across as a lie of omission.

 

Suppose the relationship does get serious and the OP hasn't told the guy about the father and that he's a married man. The fMM may decide to be in the child's life and that could cause some discomfort for the guy that doesn't know he's married. Or the OP's friends could let it slip out that her father was married at the time.

 

I just don't think waiting too long is a good idea. I think telling would help the relationship become solid. And maybe I'm projecting, but I would never stay in a R with someone that waited until I had real feelings for them to tell me something so important. I wouldn't be able to trust them. Telling me at the beginning helps with building trust.

[SidLyon]

To answer your question about it I think you should be honest with the new guy and also your daughter.

 

I speak from experience as a BW in a similar situation. My H had an A years ago and a child was born. The OW was married at the time and she persuaded my H that he was not the father, so he let it ride.

 

Fast forward to now, and the OW is in a new relationship and the new guy had no idea about any doubts as to the child's paternity, until I told him. My H recently consulted a lawyer about getting a DNA test and the OW has also consulted a lawyer. Hopefully in a few weeks we will get a final answer.

 

Meanwhile the child is nearly 9 years old...

 

I assume you would not want this to be happening when your child is old enough to have an understanding of what is going on.

 

If the 2 parties had been more responsible, it either would not have happened or the issue of paternity would have been properly determined years ago. Don't assume his wife won't find out one day - I did.

[noelle303]

I know it's maybe not a good time to date...but it's fun.

 

I mean...I live alone, I take care of an infant 24/7, I don't even have time for a shower during the day, I'm the one who for the past five months has not had a full night sleep, responding to every cry. And it's fine, she's my daughter - she bring more joy to me than I could ever imagine.

But then my mom offered to take care of her for a night so I can hang out with my friends and that was so good (and hard), and it was then I met this guy and I was persuaded to go on a date. I mean...it's just a few dates, less than once a week for a couple of hours in the evening. It's really fun for me, more than I expected it to be.

 

I don't know where it's going to go, I just know that I like it. Of course I don't have the need to tell him about every single one of the men in my past but my daughter's dad is not just any ex. He's my child's father. He has a bigger title than any other guy. He has THE BIGGEST title.

 

I don't know...I don't know if it's too early because this could be just a fun few dates, but if it's something more than most likely by the time I realize it it's going to be a little late to tell him because it will be like something I hid.

 

Jwi71 - thanks for the perspective! I mean.... none of those things he has to worry about. The chances that he will appear to cause trouble or appear at all are slim to none. He is a married man with kids of his own. He was very clear in showing me just how much he does not want our child...trust me, there was nothing left for interpretation.

Sooo.... it's not something that I NEED to tell him or that he NEEDS to know. But it will definitely feel like I purposefully left it out, you know? And it's not impossible for him to find out a different way. I mean...it's not really out in the open but it's not Fort Knox secretive, you know?

[noelle303]

Lordy, let us look at it in a different light. I will not date somebody who I know has had an affair. I will not date someone who I know has played around with a married person. For me, that is just a dealbreaker. It goes to their character. Lying, huge lying, is not a character trait I want in a mate.

 

Do you want to know now or after you are madly in love if your past is a dealbreaker?

 

 

Yes, thats the perspective I want. Because even if we do both dismiss him as just a former lover, the situation speaks about me as a person.

 

I know it would be a big deal to him, I just know it. And it would be even a bigger one if I left it out.

 

Oh well..I think I will tell him. The hiding part needs to go..I need to make it not a big deal, I need to own it.

[woinlove]

Yes, thats the perspective I want. Because even if we do both dismiss him as just a former lover, the situation speaks about me as a person.

 

I know it would be a big deal to him, I just know it. And it would be even a bigger one if I left it out.

 

Oh well..I think I will tell him. The hiding part needs to go..I need to make it not a big deal, I need to own it.

 

From what you write, it sounds like exactly the right decision to tell him.

 

What you say when you do tell and how you answer any questions he might have can make a big difference. The reason this is a big deal to many is because shared values is a very important ingredient in most lasting and fulfilling relationships and issues surrounding honesty, trust, respect are important to most people in their relationships.

 

If you believe you have changed - or not - that is likely to be important information to him.

[Silly_Girl]

Noelle, I think you have a good outlook. I think you are neither minimising nor overstating the significance of the info. I like your style and really hope all will be well.