"Compassion" for the Betrayed Spouse

[jj33]

So as not to t/j another thread I have started a new one to vent about a pet peeve. I have read posts where people who are sleeping with someone else's spouse (call them the AP) claim to have "compassion" defined as "deep awareness of the suffering of another coupled with the wish to relieve it" for the betrayed spouse.

 

I think that is impossible. You may feel guilt because you are doing something that would (in 99% of cases) hurt the other person if they knew about it, but it seems to me that there is no grey area here, there is NOTHING compassionate about being in an A with someone else's spouse (bar those rare situations where someone has an open marriage or doesnt care what the other spouse does).

 

Am I the only one who thinks that is a misnomer? I dont see how it is possible to feel compassion for someone while you are doing it with their spouse. Guilt? Yes. Compassion no.

 

If you had a deep awareness of the suffering of the BS coupled with a wish to relieve it, you would stop f*ng their spouse, no? Call me crazy but I think its pretty clear that having an affair with someone else's spouse pretty much rules out your option to take the moral high ground and say you have compassion for them.

 

And for those who will say I must be a "reformed OW" or a BS I am neither. I was in an A, and I could not say I had compassion for the W while we were together; it would be disingenuous for me to say that.

[no expectations]

"compassion" defined as "deep awareness of the suffering of another coupled with the wish to relieve it" for the betrayed spouse.

 

I think that is impossible. You may feel guilt because you are doing something that would (in 99% of cases) hurt the other person if they knew about it, but it seems to me that there is no grey area here, there is NOTHING compassionate about being in an A with someone else's spouse (bar those rare situations where someone has an open marriage or doesnt care what the other spouse does).

 

You're right...when I look at the actual definition of compassion, I had zero compassion. Guilt, plenty...compassion, zero.

[MissBee]

So as not to t/j another thread I have started a new one to vent about a pet peeve. I have read posts where people who are sleeping with someone else's spouse (call them the AP) claim to have "compassion" defined as "deep awareness of the suffering of another coupled with the wish to relieve it" for the betrayed spouse.

 

I think that is impossible. You may feel guilt because you are doing something that would (in 99% of cases) hurt the other person if they knew about it, but it seems to me that there is no grey area here, there is NOTHING compassionate about being in an A with someone else's spouse (bar those rare situations where someone has an open marriage or doesnt care what the other spouse does).

Am I the only one who thinks that is a misnomer? I dont see how it is possible to feel compassion for someone while you are doing it with their spouse. Guilt? Yes. Compassion no.

 

If you had a deep awareness of the suffering of the BS coupled with a wish to relieve it, you would stop f*ng their spouse, no? Call me crazy but I think its pretty clear that having an affair with someone else's spouse pretty much rules out your option to take the moral high ground and say you have compassion for them.

And for those who will say I must be a "reformed OW" or a BS I am neither. I was in an A, and I could not say I had compassion for the W while we were together; it would be disingenuous for me to say that.

 

I agree that is is a misnomer and I agree that while in the A I felt guilt but not compassion.

 

When I decided to end the A, it was not because I was concerned about her, although I felt guilty, it was because I felt bad about the situation I was in and wanted to put an end to my pain and drama.

 

It was not altruistic or compassionate in the least. Did I hate her? Did I think badly of her? Was I in a competition with her? Nopes! I did feel bad, I did think that it was horrible that she didn't know, I imagined how I would feel had I been in her position, I considered she could be a very nice, loving, lady etc. I harbored no ill feelings for her, but I had no compassion in the true sense.

[happywithme]

Brilliant point, and enough to make me cry. Compassion is a really higher level.

 

Guilty sounds kind of selfish.

[Silly_Girl]

What a coincidence, that this subject has er... sprouted up again just now...

 

My opinion remains the same; if you want to use 'compassion' to describe feelings then it can be used - you can feel sympathy, pity, empathy for another and yet not change your own actions. Maybe you and a favourite colleague are going for the same promotion, you'll still do your darndest at interviews but a part of you would feel dreadful for your friend.

 

If you see compassion as an action then no, you can't have compassion for a woman if you choose to shag her husband without her knowledge/permission, if there's a chance she would be hurt by the event.

[jj33]

Ah dont cry - I just think its important to own what you do. Its so easy in the wake of things to rationalize and tell yourself something is one thing when really its another.

 

People fight it out and defend their points and their right to be in an A which is fine if they really believe that but then when they dont own it well it falls flat to me. Either you own your actions the good the bad and the ugly or you dont.

[jj33]

What a coincidence, that this subject has er... sprouted up again just now...

 

No coincidence at all it was mentioned in another thread yesterday so thats why I started saying I didnt want to threadjack another thread

[fooled once]

So as not to t/j another thread I have started a new one to vent about a pet peeve. I have read posts where people who are sleeping with someone else's spouse (call them the AP) claim to have "compassion" defined as "deep awareness of the suffering of another coupled with the wish to relieve it" for the betrayed spouse.

 

I think that is impossible. You may feel guilt because you are doing something that would (in 99% of cases) hurt the other person if they knew about it, but it seems to me that there is no grey area here, there is NOTHING compassionate about being in an A with someone else's spouse (bar those rare situations where someone has an open marriage or doesnt care what the other spouse does).

 

Am I the only one who thinks that is a misnomer? I dont see how it is possible to feel compassion for someone while you are doing it with their spouse. Guilt? Yes. Compassion no.

 

If you had a deep awareness of the suffering of the BS coupled with a wish to relieve it, you would stop f*ng their spouse, no? Call me crazy but I think its pretty clear that having an affair with someone else's spouse pretty much rules out your option to take the moral high ground and say you have compassion for them.

 

And for those who will say I must be a "reformed OW" or a BS I am neither. I was in an A, and I could not say I had compassion for the W while we were together; it would be disingenuous for me to say that.

 

Totally agree!!! And of course "some" will call you a 'reformed' OW, because goodness, you can't just be a person with an opinion after having been in a situation. You can't possibly have 'loved' the person enough, had enough great sex, or been whatever "some" require. You can't possibly have a thought or opinion that isn't celebrating being an mistress or OW.

 

I agree with your post 100000%

[fooled once]

What a coincidence, that this subject has er... sprouted up again just now...

 

My opinion remains the same; if you want to use 'compassion' to describe feelings then it can be used - you can feel sympathy, pity, empathy for another and yet not change your own actions. Maybe you and a favourite colleague are going for the same promotion, you'll still do your darndest at interviews but a part of you would feel dreadful for your friend.

 

If you see compassion as an action then no, you can't have compassion for a woman if you choose to shag her husband without her knowledge/permission, if there's a chance she would be hurt by the event.

 

Sorry, but you don't get to decide how other use/feel "compassion". And if 2 co-workers are going for the same promotion; normally it is an above board, open competition where both players know the scenario. It isn't one where one is at home, planning a future, remembering past events, going about normal life and the other is sneaking around screwing the husband. I do not see on here current OW who feel 'dreadful' for the actions they have committed -- prior or during the affair. Most people who feel 'dreadful' for their actions STOP acting that way because it bothers them. So many OW feel positive that their role in the affair has freed the married couple from such a dreary, dreadful, sex less marriage.

[Silly_Girl]

Why would you care if this particular subject matter doesn't interest you?

 

You must be seeing something in my post I'm not....

 

Where did I say that???

[Silly_Girl]

Sorry, but you don't get to decide how other use/feel "compassion". And if 2 co-workers are going for the same promotion; normally it is an above board, open competition where both players know the scenario. It isn't one where one is at home, planning a future, remembering past events, going about normal life and the other is sneaking around screwing the husband. I do not see on here current OW who feel 'dreadful' for the actions they have committed -- prior or during the affair. Most people who feel 'dreadful' for their actions STOP acting that way because it bothers them. So many OW feel positive that their role in the affair has freed the married couple from such a dreary, dreadful, sex less marriage.

 

I'm deciding what? That's an odd thing to say. I'll try and explain again.

 

The dictionary definitions SOMETIMES talk of compassion resulting in a person changing their actions because of their feelings towards a person/situation. Isn't that what jj is referring to? And what you are speaking of?

 

But some definitions restrict it to feelings, in which case it would no longer be a contradiction in terms. Factually, if that's what compassion means, it's possible to feel it yet continue to act in a way which may or may not compound the problem.

 

The colleague scenario is an adequate analogy. It matters not whether you MORALLY feel it's wrong to have an affair and right to try and seek a promotion at your friend's expense. Fact is, if their feelings (the colleague's or the wife's) mattered to you more than your own you'd not progress down that path further.

 

I personally believe compassion to be the definition which leads to changing one's actions to reflect the beliefs/feelings - that's how I'd used it IRL and how jj is applying it here. My post simply recognised that not everyone applies the same definition to that word which could lead to a disagreement on a moral level when in fact it's just the result of the use of English language and both parties are right in their view.

 

------

 

And you're wrong FO, there's a stack of OW around here saying 'I can't believe what I'm doing/what I've done/what I can't seem to stop doing, I need to deal with this'. Sometimes the behaviour will stop, but not always. Human nature is not that simple. We as a race do plenty of things we hate ourselves for or wish we'd stop doing, or should be doing yet don't.

[NoIDidn't]

I'm deciding what? That's an odd thing to say. I'll try and explain again.

 

The dictionary definitions SOMETIMES talk of compassion resulting in a person changing their actions because of their feelings towards a person/situation. Isn't that what jj is referring to? And what you are speaking of?

 

But some definitions restrict it to feelings, in which case it would no longer be a contradiction in terms. Factually, if that's what compassion means, it's possible to feel it yet continue to act in a way which may or may not compound the problem.

 

The colleague scenario is an adequate analogy. It matters not whether you MORALLY feel it's wrong to have an affair and right to try and seek a promotion at your friend's expense. Fact is, if their feelings (the colleague's or the wife's) mattered to you more than your own you'd not progress down that path further.

 

I personally believe compassion to be the definition which leads to changing one's actions to reflect the beliefs/feelings - that's how I'd used it IRL and how jj is applying it here. My post simply recognised that not everyone applies the same definition to that word which could lead to a disagreement on a moral level when in fact it's just the result of the use of English language and both parties are right in their view.

 

------

 

And you're wrong FO, there's a stack of OW around here saying 'I can't believe what I'm doing/what I've done/what I can't seem to stop doing, I need to deal with this'. Sometimes the behaviour will stop, but not always. Human nature is not that simple. We as a race do plenty of things we hate ourselves for or wish we'd stop doing, or should be doing yet don't.

 

 

So, is the "compassion" usually spoken of here the kind where the behavior will stop after the OP/AP gets what they want (the ruin of a marriage/devastation of a person for their personal gain)? Or the MP ends the affair?

 

Can that really be called compassion at all?

 

I, personally, call that condescension. Its very patronizing and not at all acknowledging that real harm has occurred and by that person's hand.

[donnamaybe]

Sorry, but you don't get to decide how other use/feel "compassion". And if 2 co-workers are going for the same promotion; normally it is an above board, open competition where both players know the scenario. It isn't one where one is at home, planning a future, remembering past events, going about normal life and the other is sneaking around screwing the husband. I do not see on here current OW who feel 'dreadful' for the actions they have committed -- prior or during the affair. Most people who feel 'dreadful' for their actions STOP acting that way because it bothers them. So many OW feel positive that their role in the affair has freed the married couple from such a dreary, dreadful, sex less marriage.

 

Yup, there is absolutely no way to correlate a situation where there is deceit and dishonesty to one where colleagues are vying for the same job where both are looking at the same job description and qualifications. Unless maybe one is grasping at straws to try to refute a point that disturbs them for some reason. I guess that would be guilt, not compassion, right?

[Silly_Girl]

So' date=' is the "compassion" usually spoken of here the kind where the behavior will stop after the OP/AP gets what they want (the ruin of a marriage/devastation of a person for their personal gain)? Or the MP ends the affair?[/quote']

 

Did you get that from my post? I'm really not sure what this relates to.

 

I'm saying there are 2 dictionary definitions and it's daft/pointless trying to debate it without acknowledging that fact.

 

I'm happier with compassion being something that drives one to behave a certain way, or stop a behaviour. Not everyone will use it in that context.

[Silly_Girl]

Yup, there is absolutely no way to correlate a situation where there is deceit and dishonesty to one where colleagues are vying for the same job where both are looking at the same job description and qualifications. Unless maybe one is grasping at straws to try to refute a point that disturbs them for some reason. I guess that would be guilt, not compassion, right?

 

I get the impression you haven't understood what I've written. Further, I think you don't want to.

[jwi71]

So as not to t/j another thread I have started a new one to vent about a pet peeve. I have read posts where people who are sleeping with someone else's spouse (call them the AP) claim to have "compassion" defined as "deep awareness of the suffering of another coupled with the wish to relieve it" for the betrayed spouse.

 

I think that is impossible. You may feel guilt because you are doing something that would (in 99% of cases) hurt the other person if they knew about it, but it seems to me that there is no grey area here, there is NOTHING compassionate about being in an A with someone else's spouse (bar those rare situations where someone has an open marriage or doesnt care what the other spouse does).

 

Am I the only one who thinks that is a misnomer? I dont see how it is possible to feel compassion for someone while you are doing it with their spouse. Guilt? Yes. Compassion no.

 

If you had a deep awareness of the suffering of the BS coupled with a wish to relieve it, you would stop f*ng their spouse, no? Call me crazy but I think its pretty clear that having an affair with someone else's spouse pretty much rules out your option to take the moral high ground and say you have compassion for them.

 

And for those who will say I must be a "reformed OW" or a BS I am neither. I was in an A, and I could not say I had compassion for the W while we were together; it would be disingenuous for me to say that.

 

I think I'm going to have to disagree here.

 

I think the OW/OM truly DOES feel compassion and guilt.

 

But its excused away and suppressed. Often unsuccessfully. Its the source of the conflict felt. They KNOW its wrong, they KNOW it hurts others (including themselves) yet they continue. A's are frequently compared to addiction for good reason. The OW/OM will persist in hurting others and themselves to get their fix. Then, we the high subsides and the rational self returns...the guilt, born of compassion, kicks in. Its brutal.

 

Witness how many OW/OM here frequently say "I will NEVER do this again".

 

Hurts too much. Causes too much pain - most of it internalized as guilt (at hurting others - at seeing the damage done).

 

How is that NOT compassion? Or, more aptly, how is that not born of compassion?

 

I would expect a lack of compassion to manifest itself as "I don't give a damn" and have that attitude and tone persist. Yet that is rarely witnessed here.

 

I think there is compassion...and it causes OW/OM TONS of problems.

[donnamaybe]

I have seen several very blatantly state that they don't care about anyone else as long as they get what they want. Compassion? I think not.

[Silly_Girl]

I have seen several very blatantly state that they don't care about anyone else as long as they get what they want. Compassion? I think not.

 

And yet others who beat themselves sh*tless.

[Under The Radar]

I think I'm going to have to disagree here.

I think the OW/OM truly DOES feel compassion and guilt.

 

But its excused away and suppressed. Often unsuccessfully. Its the source of the conflict felt. They KNOW its wrong, they KNOW it hurts others (including themselves) yet they continue. A's are frequently compared to addiction for good reason. The OW/OM will persist in hurting others and themselves to get their fix. Then, we the high subsides and the rational self returns...the guilt, born of compassion, kicks in. Its brutal.

 

Witness how many OW/OM here frequently say "I will NEVER do this again".

 

Hurts too much. Causes too much pain - most of it internalized as guilt (at hurting others - at seeing the damage done).

 

How is that NOT compassion? Or, more aptly, how is that not born of compassion?

 

I would expect a lack of compassion to manifest itself as "I don't give a damn" and have that attitude and tone persist. Yet that is rarely witnessed here.

 

I think there is compassion...and it causes OW/OM TONS of problems.

 

^^^^^ This made sense to me ^^^^^

[MrSomewhere]

I'm being honest here when I say this and I know some will bash me for it but...

 

It is situational with each case I believe, cheating may be wrong yes, but if someone is treating their SO like garbage and no appreciation, you can hardly feel bad for them if you actually do have sincere love for them and are treating them better.

 

I think we can all agree that is one major reason they seek someone else, which also means there is a complete lack of communication in their relationship in the first place.

 

Now willingly trying to hurt the SO if it is flat out lust cheating and zero regard for the damage, then that is WRONG plain and simple.

 

I'm not trying to make excuses, rather be blunt and honest over alot of situations that exist in this.

[donnamaybe]

[/b]

 

^^^^^ This made sense to me ^^^^^

 

For most, it does. Those with a cavalier attitude are fortunately few in number.

[Silly_Girl]

I think I'm going to have to disagree here.

 

I think the OW/OM truly DOES feel compassion and guilt.

 

But its excused away and suppressed. Often unsuccessfully. Its the source of the conflict felt. They KNOW its wrong, they KNOW it hurts others (including themselves) yet they continue. A's are frequently compared to addiction for good reason. The OW/OM will persist in hurting others and themselves to get their fix. Then, we the high subsides and the rational self returns...the guilt, born of compassion, kicks in. Its brutal.

 

Witness how many OW/OM here frequently say "I will NEVER do this again".

 

Hurts too much. Causes too much pain - most of it internalized as guilt (at hurting others - at seeing the damage done).

 

How is that NOT compassion? Or, more aptly, how is that not born of compassion?

 

I would expect a lack of compassion to manifest itself as "I don't give a damn" and have that attitude and tone persist. Yet that is rarely witnessed here.

 

I think there is compassion...and it causes OW/OM TONS of problems.

 

jwi - what makes you call it compassion? why is it not selfish pain? At rejection or humiliation or frustration or embarrassment?

[bentnotbroken]

I'm being honest here when I say this and I know some will bash me for it but...

It is situational with each case I believe, cheating may be wrong yes, but if someone is treating their SO like garbage and no appreciation, you can hardly feel bad for them if you actually do have sincere love for them and are treating them better.

I think we can all agree that is one major reason they seek someone else, which also means there is a complete lack of communication in their relationship in the first place.

 

Now willingly trying to hurt the SO if it is flat out lust cheating and zero regard for the damage, then that is WRONG plain and simple.

 

I'm not trying to make excuses, rather be blunt and honest over alot of situations that exist in this.

 

 

Now who gets to decide this? You? The cheating spouse who tells you? Yeah right. You don't have to feel bad about someone getting what you think they deserve, but you sure as hell ought to feel bad for being the tool that is used to administer that punishment.

[NoIDidn't]

Now who gets to decide this? You? The cheating spouse who tells you? Yeah right. You don't have to feel bad about someone getting what you think they deserve, but you sure as hell ought to feel bad for being the tool that is used to administer that punishment.

 

Yeah, that kind of just proves the lack of compassion to me. Using someone else to punish someone and that person happily going along with it just doesn't say "compassion" to me.

[NoIDidn't]

I think I'm going to have to disagree here.

 

I think the OW/OM truly DOES feel compassion and guilt.

 

But its excused away and suppressed. Often unsuccessfully. Its the source of the conflict felt. They KNOW its wrong, they KNOW it hurts others (including themselves) yet they continue. A's are frequently compared to addiction for good reason. The OW/OM will persist in hurting others and themselves to get their fix. Then, we the high subsides and the rational self returns...the guilt, born of compassion, kicks in. Its brutal.

 

Witness how many OW/OM here frequently say "I will NEVER do this again".

 

Hurts too much. Causes too much pain - most of it internalized as guilt (at hurting others - at seeing the damage done).

 

How is that NOT compassion? Or, more aptly, how is that not born of compassion?

 

I would expect a lack of compassion to manifest itself as "I don't give a damn" and have that attitude and tone persist. Yet that is rarely witnessed here.

 

I think there is compassion...and it causes OW/OM TONS of problems.

 

I disagree.

 

Too many have had the exact feelings you mention above and gone on to say, when pressed about their lack of compassion, that they just can't care about her and stay with the man they love at the same time.

 

They aren't experiencing or feeling compassion, its more like cognitive dissonance. They often feel justified in continuing in something they know will hurt someone else, so they suppress the feelings telling them otherwise. They justify their actions and to make it seem even more acceptable they start saying things like "I feel for him/her" while their actions prove otherwise.

 

Its just too patronizing. No one would just stand there and let an interloper tell them they feel sorry for them since they were helping their spouse cheat. The person hearing it would see it for the insult and condescending attitude that it is.

 

I like what jj said. Just own it. No amount of lipstick is going to make it anything other than what it is.