"Compassion" for the Betrayed Spouse

[Spark1111]

Denial - no.

Compartmentalization - very likely.

Guilt - no.

 

Why would I want to emotionally revisit a very painful time in my life?

 

This really kind of boggles my mind.

 

You, better than most, know precisely how painful it is to be betrayed by someone you love.

 

Yet, because you now are in love, it is okay or minimize, or not think of the betrayal being perpetrated on his wife.

 

Woman to woman, I could NEVER wrap my head around this.

 

I am unable to take empathy and compassion and trot it out for a moment or two and then stuff it back in a box and place it on the shelf because MM is at the door.

[bentnotbroken]

But you are revisiting it, except the pain is inflicted on someone else.

 

 

Interesting how that works, huh?

[jj33]

And that jj, is called denial or compartmentalization, not compassion...more guilt in my estimation.

 

I agree with you Spark its intellecualizing its not a feeling of compassion. But I receive the view more favorably because as I understand it she is not claiming to feel compassion it is an intellectual awareness which is different and yes it is probably more like guilt.

[Summer Breeze]

Very interesting discussion. I've actually learned that I am basically not a compassionate person at all. Not because I don't empathize with others but because I am rarely moved to action by my feelings. I am the person who looks at a steak and has a fleeting thought for the cow. Then I get the A1 out and dig in. If I were compassionate I would be come a vegetarian. I see people in need and feel bad for them but I don't whip out a fiver and drop it in their lap. I empathize but I am evidently not compassionate.

 

As far as humanity maybe I'm the type who helps at home first. I don't often give for distant charities but I make regular donations to places that have helped family and friends. Logic and reality dictate my actions of 'compassion' and I really now see they aren't acts of compassion but more like paying back.

 

Sorry a little ramble there kids!

[jthorne]

Agree! I like elsa's response as it is frank and to the point, and covers the fact that she intellectually understands, having been there, but because she benefits from the situation she chooses not to "feel". She didn't apologize or try to defend her choice but simply explained how it is that it works for her.

Compartimentalization usually works for a time before it becomes downright delusional.

 

Then I would expect a great many more spurned OW to be dialing up the BW - and virtually all spurned OW would have a reason, from their perspective, to do so.

 

Yet most, a great majority I would wager, do not.

 

Why?

 

I say compassion.

 

How many times have we seen "I can't do that to her" or "Im not that person" - virtually every in one guise or another. Its compassion. Yes, it could also be a calculated step but, since I will take the position that most OW do not get the guy, at the end the spurned OW STILL does not.

 

Its compassion. And that nugget of compassion causes disproportionate grief and guilt in most OW.

 

I suppose, for me, it boils down to why the OW, even after dumped, doesn't tell. And many times they tell no one. Guilt, shame, humiliation like you say...but, at least some of it, formed of compassion.

 

And why the sam hell am I, a BS, arguing that OW have compassion AGAINST OW who claim they do not?

 

Seriously. Is it a full moon or something? Oh shyte, it IS!

I have to disagree with you here jwi. The reason the spurned OW doesn't pick up the phone is not out of compassion, decency or guilt. It is because she knows it is not in her best interest to do so. She knows that there will likely be negative consequences. If the spurned OW knew she could dial up wifey and get MM thrown out of the house, "I'm not that person" would go right out the window.

[jthorne]

You can slap any term on it you wish, but what it really comes down to, and what Jen has perfectly illustrated, is that OW operate out of their own self interest. If they didn't, they wouldn't be OW. While being honest about that doesn't make it any more justifiable, any OW who tries to say she has true compassion is simply not credible.

[woinlove]

I see people in need and feel bad for them but I don't whip out a fiver and drop it in their lap.

 

Summer, "you" in the modified example below, isn't you. "You" is for those who say they are compassionate to the BS, despite continuing the A.

 

Suppose a friend, by spinning a good line, actually talks that needy person out of the fiver that someone else dropped in his lap. Your friend then offers to buy you a drink with the fiver. So you go off for a free drink, feeling guilty about the person in need, maybe they won't get much to eat today or maybe someone else will give them another fiver, but you reason that it wasn't you who lied and got the fiver. So you enjoy the drink, but think you feel compassion for the needy person. Huh?

[jj33]

Thank you J Thorne my point exactly

[Radagast]

any OW who tries to say she has true compassion is simply not credible.

 

They may have compassion, just not for the W.

[jj33]

Noones saynig that an OW doesnt have compassion in other situations just not in relation to the wife. Thats the point of the thread

[Silly_Girl]

I have to disagree with you here jwi. The reason the spurned OW doesn't pick up the phone is not out of compassion, decency or guilt. It is because she knows it is not in her best interest to do so. She knows that there will likely be negative consequences. If the spurned OW knew she could dial up wifey and get MM thrown out of the house, "I'm not that person" would go right out the window.

 

Nope. Telling her would have benefitted me. I didn't want to feed further in to what I felt was disrespect - from him. I was adamant she deserved better. To be told by HIM, her husband who'd made vows (to her) and had been deceitful (I told lies to no one). I thought hearing it from me was insult to injury and something that years later she just did not need to have sitting in her memory bank.

[waytogo]

I'll admit, I felt guilt before compassion but didn't really feel the difference at the time.

 

I can remember when she went to the hospital, how very concerned I felt for her and knowing how ironic that was. Things really fizzled for me from there. Her hospital illness actually may have been the catalyst of, "I can't be an OW".

 

I've read others being irritated for an OW referring to a BW as the 'OW's BW'. I understand being annoyed by that. I never called xMM's W my BW. Why was I so concerned about her health when if she knew me, she'd hate me more than probably anyone? I can only guess, I had taken her as a part of the R. Maybe there was some strange part that only wanted this partial place with him and she was instrumental for me to have that.

 

It turned out, I needed a full time partner if I'm going to be a partner. Sorry if I got off-point. Compassion may be present from an AP more than would be expected. No question why that seems iffy and twisted.

[woinlove]

I'll admit, I felt guilt before compassion but didn't really feel the difference at the time.

 

I can remember when she went to the hospital, how very concerned I felt for her and knowing how ironic that was. Things really fizzled for me from there. Her hospital illness actually may have been the catalyst of, "I can't be an OW".

 

I've read others being irritated for an OW referring to a BW as the 'OW's BW'. I understand being annoyed by that. I never called xMM's W my BW. Why was I so concerned about her health when if she knew me, she'd hate me more than probably anyone? I can only guess, I had taken her as a part of the R. Maybe there was some strange part that only wanted this partial place with him and she was instrumental for me to have that.

 

It turned out, I needed a full time partner if I'm going to be a partner. Sorry if I got off-point. Compassion may be present from an AP more than would be expected. No question why that seems iffy and twisted.

 

Very interesting post, wtg. It seems to be an example that suggests when you really feel concern, empathy, compassion for the BS, it is difficult to stay in the A.

[Under The Radar]

Compartimentalization usually works for a time before it becomes downright delusional.

I have to disagree with you here jwi. The reason the spurned OW doesn't pick up the phone is not out of compassion, decency or guilt. It is because she knows it is not in her best interest to do so. She knows that there will likely be negative consequences. If the spurned OW knew she could dial up wifey and get MM thrown out of the house, "I'm not that person" would go right out the window.

 

In my own case, I have to respectfully disagree with the above statement. When the married woman I was in an affair with ended things I was devastated. Initially, I had daydreams about exposing the affair to her family so that she would suffer the pain I was feeling. I knew the husband and the children personally and a disclosure to them was unlikely to have been dismissed as lies. It would have destroyed her, the husband, and especially the children. I never hesitated to dismiss these thoughts from my mind. The reason being I did, indeed, have compassion for everyone involved, including her husband.

[woinlove]

[/b]

 

In my own case, I have to respectfully disagree with the above statement. When the married woman I was in an affair with ended things I was devastated. Initially, I had daydreams about exposing the affair to her family so that she would suffer the pain I was feeling. I knew the husband and the children personally and a disclosure to them was unlikely to have been dismissed as lies. It would have destroyed her, the husband, and especially the children. I never hesitated to dismiss these thoughts from my mind. The reason being I did, indeed, have compassion for everyone involved, including her husband.

 

Do you know that most BS say they are glad they found out the truth (despite being devastated by the fact that their spouse made that truth a reality)? This isn't universal, but it is pretty widespread, based on BS posting here and elsewhere and people I know. What would you say to the, maybe 50-90%, who would rather know the truth? You think it's better for them not to know it?

 

Really if one is concerned about the children, one doesn't spend years in an A with a MM/MW with children. I know. I thought I cared about the children too. Really, I cared more about myself, but it took me years to figure that out. I think one's perspective on this changes when you have children and you finally know what it means to really care about the children.

[Under The Radar]

woinlove,

 

I see what you are saying and I would want to know if my wife was involved in an affair. I believe, to this day, the husband and children don't know about the affair. My opinion, is that if a disclosure should be made to him, it should come from his wife. The damage the family would have sustained could have scarred the immediate and extended families for life.

[Under The Radar]

BTW, you are absolutely right, knowing what I do now it was selfish of me. I cared about the entire family, but with perspective and time, I see that the greatest act of compassion I could have given those kids was not involving myself with their mother. I can see, after the fact, many of the pieces much more clearly.

[woinlove]

woinlove,

 

I see what you are saying and I would want to know if my wife was involved in an affair. I believe, to this day, the husband and children don't know about the affair. My opinion, is that if a disclosure should be made to him, it should come from his wife. The damage the family would have sustained could have scarred the immediate and extended families for life.

 

I completely agree that the disclosure should come from his W. Probably won't though. In any case, I'm not one to think the AP has to inform the BS. Just I do think it is common to put more of a positive spin on not informing than it merits.

 

Also, as a mother, I have a touchy spot when AP's bring up the children of the BS and WS. Hopefully xMW's children don't suffer more than the type of shallow and not-so-great home environment one may have with such deception lurking around. But, really, if one doesn't want to risk being a party to hurting any children, then one needs to stay away from secret affairs with MM/MW with children.

[Under The Radar]

I completely agree that the disclosure should come from his W. Probably won't though. In any case, I'm not one to think the AP has to inform the BS. Just I do think it is common to put more of a positive spin on not informing than it merits.

 

Also, as a mother, I have a touchy spot when AP's bring up the children of the BS and WS. Hopefully xMW's children don't suffer more than the type of shallow and not-so-great home environment one may have with such deception lurking around. But, really, if one doesn't want to risk being a party to hurting any children, then one needs to stay away from secret affairs with MM/MW with children.

 

With experience and hindsight I agree with this. Moreover, I do not have children like you do. I understand what you mean about perspectives changing when you become a parent. Thanks for the insight ...