Antinko's Coping Journal

[antinko]

I'm taking inspiration from Fetish and writing my own journal.

 

Some background:

 

I was dumped by my then girlfriend for reasons I still do not, and probably will never, understand. There are threads about it here on LS and the reason I do not link them all here is because my opinions and attitudes have changed about the situation since then, so I must be moving on in some way.

 

This journal is about looking forward. I feel I have experienced several 'kicks to the gut' which have actually sign posted stages in my recovery and they're outlined below:

 

1. Being dumped - no brainer

2. Making every cliche 'holding onto hope, staying in contact' mistake every written about

3. Believing I was fixed...then seeing her and realising I wasn't

4. Maintaining NC for a while, but then breaking it...to realise I still wasn't fixed

5. Bumping into her with a new boyfriend and reacting as described in this link

 

As I write this journal, I am reading 'Getting Past your Breakup' by Susan J. Elliott. It's a good book and I wish I'd found it sooner. I'm just about to start Chapter 3 when I finish writing this post.

 

So, I'm still grieving, obviously. I'm blaming myself less for the break up; although, I do feel sad about the times I was tired and she wanted to have fun when I didn't. I wish I'd fooled around a bit more, but I just didn't. I was moody at times...but so was she. She was a major drag a lot of the time.

 

We didn't work.

 

I think what hurts the most is the fact that, in all of this, my opinion of her changed. My friends and family became a bit critical of my ex because she became somewhat demanding of me and critical over little things. All of this has been documented before, though.

 

All I can say is, whilst I feel negative feelings towards her, I cannot deny that I love her still. I don't love her like I did during the relationship, but there are some things we shared together which were entirely genuine, and I'll always love them. I try not to think about what she thinks.

 

Anyway, time to talk progress...

 

I've never been this fit in my entire life. I am six foot three inches tall and now weigh 210lbs. I'm down to 15% body fat and I look good. I might try going lower, but it's not essential.

 

I'm going to the gym for weights three times a week, running five miles per day and go kayaking twice a week. I know that I'm feeling a lot better for this exercise. A year or so ago, I would have thought this amount of exercise would be 'over doing it', and it would have been at the time, but I've trained sensibly, am eating well and I'm more focused than ever. I know I won't compromise this progress.

 

I know the reason for sustaining this success is due to this break up. As painful as it's been, it took breaking up with my girlfriend for me to realise that I need to start doing things for myself more, that I don't need to conform to other people's standards nor care what they even think particularly. I am comfortable as me and my life is becoming more interesting...

 

I needed a sport since I left comprehensive school. I live in England, and the place I grew up in was very football (soccer) mad. I grew up without a father and I wasn't very good at football. In fact, as I grew taller, I just got worse. I did, however, become really good at basketball and I loved it. I stopped playing, though, at the end of school when I went to university.

 

I found a new sport in kayaking and I love it. It's a whole body workout, you get wet, meet interesting people and it's a rush, especially on the rapids. I'm on the larger side for a kayaking man, but I'm loving learning all the different techniques and it's a sport where I can really utilize my strength and stamina, but also focus on technique and force myself to stretch. Until recently, I was very inflexible!

 

I joined a social/adventure sport organisation in my local area which is aimed at bringing people together who, ordinarily, wouldn't meet. I've been to two events so far and it's been fun. These events were quite casual social affairs and, I feel, more geared towards older people as I was the youngest there (I'm 25) by about 15 years...

 

Anyway, I'm hoping that, by putting myself out there, I'll meet and attract someone suitable for me whom I can share a meaningful relationship with. Deep down, I know I'm in no hurry, but I do feel that meeting that person tomorrow would do a lot to cure my current sorrow over my ex. I'm not quite sure what to think about that one, though.

 

I've also volunteered. With the recent riots in the UK, largely spearheaded by misdirected youths, I've volunteered to become an adult mentor for a child who lacks positive male influences. I am doing this partially because I'm a teacher of English, but also because I grew up without a father.

 

I don't lament 'missing out' on my father because he chose to leave. If anything, that was the biggest rejection in my life so far, but rather than feel damaged by it and sorry for myself, I always grew up with loving guidance from my mother, my grandparents and other family. I'm lucky to have a strong family despite my father's disappearing act. And, in actual fact, I used his bad example for the positive: I've grown up ensuring to have opposite values and morals to what he had using his behaviour as an example of what not to do. That said, I have grown up as an incredibly loyal individual to those I love.

 

I suppose, backtracking, that's one of the things which made this break up so hard: I thought my girlfriend was super committed like she claimed to be, and so was I. When she 'abandoned' me, I felt betrayed. I felt like she'd taken my loyalty and spat on it. But I know it doesn't work like that: things went wrong for whatever reason and I accept that.

 

I'm not perfect; no one is. Neither do I aspire to be perfect, but in the words of a deputy head teacher I greatly admired from my last school, I aim to 'be the best 'me' I can be'. He said that routinely to the disaffected youths which made up the majority of the students on role there, but he was a great man, an inspiration. I took that catch phrase of his on board and it's stuck.

 

So I'm being the best me I can be and I know it has to be 'good enough' for somebody out there. My ex didn't want it, but she doesn't know what she wants and she's on a mission to find it. It hurts to say it, because I wanted to be that person, but she's entitled to do that. I know she has baggage from her childhood which is, at least partially, responsible for her psychological make up and I hope she finds happiness. When I am honest with myself, with the part which still loves her, I know I'd be upset, at least a bit, if I found stability, but she continued to be on this roller coaster of never settling down. I think she might actually snap out of it soon...I think...but I know it is a concern of hers. I know it shouldn't concern me; I'm trying not to think about it or her too much. I'm trying to forgive her now.

 

I look back at how I reacted yesterday and, actually, every time I've had a 'social mishap' with my ex, it's been because of my emotions. I'm the coolest, most collected individual in front of a class, hell a school, of rampaging teenagers; I'm not scared to make a fool of myself on stage or voice my opinions during public speaking; I'm not scared of dangerous situations and I've even put my own safety at risk for the benefit of others before. I have, however, found myself practically paralyzed with fear when I've met my ex, though...

 

My emotions, when I'm confronted with her, are so charged that it takes every ounce of mental strength to force myself to look normal. I don't know what it says about me as an individual, but I can assure you that my feelings for her were genuine; if they weren't, then I wouldn't experience this struggle whenever I see her. I just go out hoping that I don't see her. I'm going out at the weekend and I hope, I hope, that I do not see that girl. Should I run into her, though, I know I'll handle it. I handled the situation before, so i can do it again. These 'kicks to the gut' give me strength...

 

I'm looking forward and trying to enjoy the present. I'm not fixed yet, but I will be. I am an emotional individual, a very sensitive one, but I am strong and resilient. I will rebuild from this situation and will be stronger next time, should I be faced with rejection in future relationships.

 

I want the 'right', or at least 'a better' deal next time. I'm doing the slave work in order to maximise my chances of success. I am in no rush to find another person yet. My ex, on the other hand, is out there on the scene already, but that's her business. I must remember that it is not a competition. She is 28 and I am 25 - we're at different stages of life.

 

I think I'm beginning to forgive her.

[sleepykitten]

hey Antintko-i hope you dont mind me commenting on your journal thread, its a great idea, have actually just posted on your previous post yesterday as so much of what you wrote is similar to how I feel it was uncanny. I look forward to reading your log and progress, its great youre working out, i've started boxercise and I love it, never been in such good shape. Am also reading GPYBU it arrived on tuesday in the post. I have such up and down days, i feel like I have been on a rollercoaster for the past few months.

[sleepykitten]

Just seen you live in the UK-me too, where abouts, for some reason I thought you were from the states, maybe it was the fitness stuff you spoke about. Anyway-you sound like youre doing great. Good for you.

[antinko]

Hi sleepykitten! I am flattered you're interested in my journey and I'm more than happy for anyone to post comments in this journal.

 

I'll respond to your post in the other thread and will then write another entry here.

 

As for where I live, I'm located in Staffordshire. I was planning on visiting London in the next few weeks because I've got a mate living there and I wanted to see if he was ok after the social unrest.

[antinko]

Might do two entries per day, but will see...

 

I had little sleep again last night. I wasn't so much thinking about my ex and new guy, but rather simply felt restless. As a result, I'm lacking motivation for training today, but I will do it.

 

I've reflected a lot this morning. I spoke with my mother too who is very good at putting things in perspective. The facts are that my ex and I were going to break up at some point; it was inevitable.

 

We both tried our best. In the beginning, it was beautiful, and we gave a lot to each other, but we found each others' lifestyles difficult to incorporate.

 

Mom also made me admit to myself the truth that I settled for this girl. I'd become less attracted to her earlier in the year and, more than a couple of times, I'd found myself contemplating ending it all because she had been dragging me down so much. I mustn't forget: while I was depressed and ill sometimes due to my work, she was constantly fretting, so depressed and negative. I always tried to fight for a better solution, to make things right in my position, but she was persistently negative, almost as if she enjoyed being miserable sometimes. It turned me off her - I'm not an individual who likes to 'settle for my lot'. People can and do change and they're in control of it.

 

Truthfully, as much as I wanted us to work after our 'break' finished, I know I'd lost respect for her. I felt demoralised by the way she was sometimes and I felt like she would drag me down if I wasn't careful; I was being dragged down; I have been dragged down. I hung on, though, because I thought we could ride out the storm and be stronger for it in the long run...

 

Obviously, she didn't feel the same way.

 

Post break-up, it was upsetting to see her apparently super happy. It was upsetting to see her get with this new guy and seem to have totally moved on from me. I felt like I'd been used as an emotional blanket while she settled into her new job and flat, but I know that's not the case.

 

I'm not the victim here and I need to remember that. I wanted 'us' to work, but I wasn't honest to myself about my feelings and I still tempt myself into feeling it 'could' have worked. In reality, I wanted 'us' to work, but at the expense of my individual freedom and happiness. I think she, at least on some level, realised I was unhappy too. We were both turned off each other... It had to end.

 

The fact is, I know we both wanted to make it work, but it didn't. It couldn't work. Ultimately, we're incompatible.

 

I do miss her, though. When she was emotionally available, she was wonderful, but unfortunately she rarely was. She was rarely emotionally available to herself in fact.

 

As much as I still love her, she's exhausted me emotionally; it's started to affect my sleep and I have felt angry and betrayed by her during the break up. I can't do this anymore, though.

 

I feel bad when I think 'well I hope her and the new guy don't work...' because I then think 'Why do I care? You know you weren't right for each other anyway!'

 

I have to hold onto that last thought when I inevitably bump into them next time, or her with whoever else she might be dating. She wasn't right for me. This relationship and breakup was never one sided; the only major difference was that I wanted to hold onto it and make it work, but she didn't. I genuinely felt that we could iron things out in the long term, maybe even regain our attraction to each other, but the truth is we couldn't.

 

It doesn't change the fact that I don't want to see her, I really don't. I'm still grieving the beginning, the loving times we shared and the hopes and dreams we outlined. I'm using that book to help me get through that, and I will get over it, but I know life will be much easier if I remain ignorant of what she's doing. Should I run into her with another man again, though, I just have to be cool, collected and smile.

 

I need to go to the gym in the next hour. I'm working on my back today along with my core using the 'fit ball' - my personal trainer (an ex Royal marine) swears by them and he showed me some effective resistance exercises. I'm also going to develop my stretches for kayaking since I'm the least flexible person on the planet and do some HIIT on the running machine.

 

Current mood: melancholy with a hint of optimism. You know those weather forecasts where the sun is peeking out behind a grey rainy cloud? I think that's me. Hm, a bit of pathetic fallacy for you there...

 

I'm going out later so obviously I will be hoping I don't run into my ex. It's quite clear that that is my main fear right now, the next hurdle I just need to get over. I know I have to act as described above and hold onto the fact that we weren't right for each other.

 

Anyway, one day at a time...

[antinko]

Ok, heading out in a few minutes. Must remember:

 

- Have fun

- Don't look to be bothered if I bump into ex

- Smile, own my space and stand tall like I do when I'm fully confident

 

I'll probably write a detailed journal update later when I get back.

[antinko]

Had a bad night tonight. Didn't bump into her, but miss her. Wrote a longer post, but deleted it. I need to just keep my grip...

Edited August 13, 2011 by antinko

[antinko]

I was talking to a nice girl at the bar, but I didn't feel anything. I don't really want to move onto someone else right now, but, frankly, I wonder if I need to.

 

Current mood: hurting a lot right now, in disbelief over how ex could throw away what we had. Yeh, we had issues, but...screw it. I just miss her.

[antinko]

TRUE LOVE 101: What does it take to be that significant other?

Infatuation

 

• Sees the other person as perfect
  
• Wants to get own needs met; selfish
  
• Spends all time with the other person
  
• Quickly “falls” for the other person
  
• Other relationships and friendships deteriorate
  
• Dependence on the other person causes
  
• Jealousy frequently
  
• Lasts for a short period of time
  
• Distance strains and often puts an end to the relationship
  
• Quarrels are serious and common
  
• Quarrels can seriously damage the relationship
  

Love

 

• Sees the other person’s flaws and still loves them
  
• Wants to serve the other person; selfless
  
• Still spends time with others
  
• Takes time to build the relationship
  
• Other relationships and friendships grow stronger
  
• Trust and understanding results in less severe and less frequent jealousy
  
• Encompasses a long-term commitment
  
• Survives and sometimes is strengthened because of distance
  
• Quarrels are less serious and less often
  
• Quarrels can strengthen the relationship
  

I found the above on another website. It involved too much talk of God for my liking (I have no religion), but it rings uncomfortably true in my ears. I felt and feel the points outlined under 'love'. I fear my ex was simply infatuated with me...

[antinko]

I still can't sleep so am typing here. I might as well stay up now since It's 5:45am and my head is buzzing. I'll catch up tonight, though... Early night.

 

Today I'm not doing anything. I'm just staying in and am going to relax as much as possible.

 

I think I've had a rough night because I'm seeing the relationship, or at least parts of it, in an entirely new light now.

 

Initially, things were great. I know the girl wanted to make things work for a time and, to be fair, she was very loving and supportive too...

 

But the last few months were a lie. I think she hung on because she was conflicted: she probably wanted to see if things would work out, but also she was looking for a way out.

 

After our short 'break', I was hoodwinked because she came back to me after NC and was really clingy... I thought she'd realised what a fool she'd been... or something.

 

But fast forward six weeks and she dumps me after a night of passion. Two months of personal agony later and she's with a new guy, apparently totally over me.

 

I just don't get it. And now I tell myself "IT DOES NOT MATTER!"

 

I'll see what others advise in the thread I made about trying to avoid her (and new guy...) and Facebook, but I think I will end up simply avoiding town for a while and will block her on Facebook.

 

I just deleted all the pictures I have of her and myself which I uploaded to Google docs. I now have one physical photo of her remaining and I put that in the attic.

 

I know I'll be tempted into analysing further still, especially over this new guy, but I just have to stop it. She's a different person now, a person I do not know nor understand. Most importantly, I just need to get better. I want my sleep.

 

Yeh, the less I see of her now, the better. I just don't want to see her at all... She's hurt me more than I've ever been hurt before

[antinko]

Ok, so I fooled myself into thinking I was feeling strong and ready last night, but I wasn't. I was somewhat of a mess, but the ex didn't see it and neither did my friends so all is good.

 

I slept two hours in the end, then woke up and felt miserable. I worked through the grief, though.

 

I don't really want to go into too much detail now because I'm feeling real sensitive, but basically, I know my sanity depends on simply blocking out my ex now. Any more contact and she'll resent me; any more thinking of her and I'll hate me; if I continue to analyse, my head will explode.

 

There are no answers as to why we broke up, just feelings. I accept these feelings, but I also accept the following:

 

- I love her, but she's not right for me

 

- She has her own life to lead and, more importantly, I have my own

 

- I must block her on Facebook and keep her blocked. It doesn't matter what she thinks of me because I need to heal. The fact is that she's tried to move on and, frankly, if I love her and care, I need to cut her loose. She knows where to find me if she needs me

 

- I deserve someone more suitable. When my ex was good, she was very very good, but when she was bad, she was horrid - truth

 

- It doesn't matter who she chooses to be with now, nor how successful and fulfilling that relationship will be for her. In reality, all that matters is me. We were unhappy together in the end and maybe I should have ended the relationship first. We weren't happy together and it wasn't either of our faults...it just didn't work. You can still love someone and still be incompatible

 

- The good parts of the relationship are irreplaceable and will always remain with me. I will not lament them because I had them and loved them; neither will I try and get them back for they are the past. I will simply better myself and see what I can make of the future

 

As I said, I want to avoid her. I am going to avoid going out on the town for a little while. To be honest, won't be hard as I'm out elsewhere next weekend anyway plus I want to save some money.

 

Blocking her on Facebook is definitely the right thing to do. If anything, it at least acts as part of the confirmation to myself that I'm taking the right steps to let her go now and let nature take its course.

 

One of the things which made us somewhat incompatible was her tendency to be in control all the time. She didn't 'control' me overtly, but I got stressed that she couldn't just 'see what happened' sometimes.

 

I mean, I have an overall plan in life and I know it'll work. I will be earning above a planned specific salary by the time I'm 30, maybe somewhat higher. I will be in my own house by then, far before then in fact and I will have a range of interesting experiences under my belt which will have made me a more interesting and rounded person. Providing I am able to follow through with these plans and am not hit by disaster (touch wood...), then I can pretty much guarantee their success.

 

The fact is, though, that I have a lot of flexibility over how I accomplish these goals. My ex, on the other hand, doesn't seem to be as flexible. One of her worries during the end of the relationship was that she 'struggled with direction' and it seems that she wanted specific steps planned for her...

 

There again, she claimed to want more spontaneity, but oh well... I think it's fair to say that she didn't know what she wants, but if she did, it'd have to happen in a certain way, no grey areas, no room for maneuver.

 

Personally, I think my way is far more realistic as it allows for change and I am confident enough in my competence in order to reach those goals. Furthermore, as much as this break up has and does SUCK ROYALLY, I know I have a lot more drive in terms of looking after #1, having regard for my own feelings, respecting myself etc. I suppose, and it's hard to say it right now, the break up has been a good thing to an extent.

 

Current mood: Completely and utterly knackered, both physically and emotionally. My muscles hurt somewhat because they haven't been given sufficient rest for growth and I feel dazed but, at least, not confused.

 

I know the sadness will return. I hope that the despair doesn't come back, at least not as strong as it was last night. I can't think of anything else which would knock me as much as seeing my ex with her new guy...unless I heard things, maybe comparisons between he and I...but I know I won't.

[antinko]

Addition:

 

Relationships are messy. I think in some ways, I should simply be glad that my life isn't as complicated, not half as complicated even, as it was when I was with her, as much as I miss her.

[california15]

hey we're about the same age and I think you're handling things well. Something you wrote in a previous post on here stuck with me:

 

You can still love someone and be incompatible.

 

I have no idea why, but that just did tremendous wonders for me. I reached the acceptance stage about 2 months ago, but that sentence just helps smooth the edges on that. I enjoy reading your journal... maybe because I can relate a lot, and because you have a reflective yet positive outlook on your breakup.

 

And like you, I was hurt the most I've ever been hurt in my life - and its always by someone close to you. which is the worst. But we heal. A turn in the road of life is not the end of the road... unless you fail to make the turn. Not going to lie though, it's really hard. I still miss him too, even though I know things are better this way.

 

you seem like a genuine guy - keep writing and posting. I'm determined to find the good out of my situation, and determined to learn something from all the pain I'm going through. I found that writing about my own recovery process, in addition to replying on other threads have helped. In helping others I'm helping myself and holding myself accountable to the advice I give others.

 

I always enjoy reading recovery logs because its amazing to see how people move along and heal - definitely an encouragement to my own journey - I know I'm not alone in this. LS has been a God-send for me.

[antinko]

Thanks california15 - I'm glad people are finding my ramblings useful.

 

The 'in love with but incompatible' idea came to me earlier. It's an uncomfortable realisation, but at least provides some order to the chaos in my mind.

 

Thank you also for describing me as genuine - I try my best.

[antinko]

I'll likely write another post later as well because I'm staying in tonight and reading my break up book.

 

Just for now, though, I wanted to link this thread here on why we should accept ourselves and our break ups because it's good. I might comment on this wisdom later.

[DontWorryBHappy]

Hey, thanks for linking my thread . Really glad to know that it helped you!!!!

 

I think you are going to be just fine, because I can see that you are trying very hard to move forward with your life. You're working out, you're socializing, and you're experiencing the normal range of emotions that you've gotta just plow through to get to the other side. I relate to you right now, in the sense that I recognize my and ex I were incompatible. We were extremely different, and he had qualities about him that were terrible for a relationship.... Quite simply, it just wasn't a good thing for the long term. And I've noticed that while that fact becomes clearer with each passing day, it doesn't stop me from missing him.

 

It's definitely possible to miss and even love someone who is WRONG for you. You guys had a history, and it's not like ALL the memories were bad.... There were good memories too. But good memories does not equal long term happiness - that, I am sure of. You can have good memories with MANY PEOPLE.... but VERY FEW people can be a "forever" kind of partner.

 

Keep plugging away man! You're doing awesome, even when it doesn't feel like it.

[antinko]

Thanks! Yeh, I feel like I'm making progress. I think last night really was rock bottom for me as it was so unexpected. I'm actually looking at Wednesday's horrible coincidental meeting with ex and new man to be something which I actually needed...bitter medicine so to speak.

[antinko]

Hm, how do I feel? It's hard to say because I've been so distracted today. I went on an adventure activity day as part of this social group I joined last month and we completed an assault course, raft building competition, zip line and river crossing.

 

The day was a rush, and one I needed. You see, my ex came to the conclusion that I was too shy, too nervous and not outgoing and didn't engage with others well. She even asked me if I was autistic at one point!

 

She didn't 'get' the fact that, in actual fact, I must be very outgoing because of my job - you don't become an 'outstanding' teacher by being shy. Now, the part which annoyed me in the past was that she would say "Well, that's an act - you're a different person in the classroom", but that's wrong.

 

Teaching - it's my job and I've talked about it before in other threads, but it's not just a job: it's a life style. It's a life style which I put enormous amounts of energy into making manageable, making it workable so it didn't take over my life like it does for so many other teachers, especially teachers of English at comprehensive school. I was on a mission.

 

It is true that I worked within a school which wasn't right for me in the middle of the relationship and the department expected me to work in a way which was, to be concise: stupid and inefficient. I moved schools and my current head of department recognizes my talents and trusts all her staff to work efficiently for the good of the students. I was performance managed first at this school just after Easter, six weeks before the break up, and was rated as consistently 'outstanding'. I achieved this grade whilst taking home far less work because I'd been allowed to manage my work load in a more sensible way and the trust I received from my new masters made me happier: I was just working more efficiently and happier. This meant more time for fun at home with my now ex, and I was just far happier.

 

The fact is that I was the same guy at home and in the classroom - good teaching comes from being real with the kids but my ex didn't see that. I am, however, human and I think, perhaps, she'd seen me so tired and depressed earlier in the school year that only I was truly registering the changes in me. I did feel let down because I'd also been supporting her so much.

 

My ex still struggled with her job and was very depressed, but she was making changes too. I felt very positive just before we broke up.

 

Now, all this was achieved shortly after we'd had our first 'break' of four days. She came back etc. etc., and in my mind at least, everything felt really missed me. I thought we were on our way up. Not so, though...

 

I digress slightly, but the tangent was necessary. The fact is, things had become dull but I felt that the potential to improve was there and we were, indeed, growing as a couple. I had so much planned with her. The time we'd spent working on 'us' and our professional lives was going to pay off just like I promised. I'd communicated; I'd worked on the relationship; I had faith in both of us.

 

But yeh, she dumped me and shot down my self esteem in the process. So much for reaping the rewards.

 

And it hurt even more that she made these claims about my character. It hurt so much; I took the breakup so badly, that I, for a time, believed her criticism, her 'accusations' because nothing made sense to me. The break up made no sense to me at the time.

 

So my self improvement plan was largely about proving to myself that, actually, I am outgoing; I am confident; I have leadership qualities and people want to be around me. Today helped reaffirm all those things.

 

I am waiting on some great pictures of this trip which I can't wait to put on Facebook. I never used to be bothered about pictures because my long term memory is very powerful, but I have felt lately that documenting the positive experiences in my life through pictures can only be a good thing so that's what I've started. It's for nobody's satisfaction other than my own.

 

So what did I achieve today? Well, the great fact about this social group is that it's nationwide with sub communities within each county; therefore, it's unlikely you'll meet the same people on each event you attend unless it's a regular one like 'learn to dance' or something. I'm just going on the adventure/action activities because I hope to meet younger participants, but it's also fun to talk to the older generations too.

 

The day started off with the zip line. Now, I'm licensed to fly gliders. I'm actually cleared for aerobatics and I love it. I haven't flown in over a year, though, but the point is I'm not scared of pushing myself or heights...when they involve aircraft with wings (helicopters and balloons are entirely different matters).

 

I don't, however, particularly enjoy heights where I'm on top of a tall structure fixed to the ground because I fear that I might fall off. The zip line involved climbing the outside of a very tall steel structure and I feared that I might fall off...

 

But I conquered it. Since we were just a group of twelve and the center typically deals with large camping groups of 40+, we did the zip line twice and it was actually great fun.

 

We then went to the assault course and, to cut a long story short, few people were enthusiastic about throwing themselves at the challenges and far fewer wanted to get wet and dirty. I, however, didn't care. I was the first on every piece of equipment; I found it scary at times, but I genuinely felt exhilarated by the wet and mud, throwing myself fully into it, and you know what? My attitude and willingness enthused everyone else!

 

These strangers, who were fast becoming friends, referred to me as "The guinea pig" and I helped demonstrate the difficult challenges. I was so high on adrenaline that I forgot my fear of heights and, being first having to suss out all the obstacles, I probably had the worst technique, but others came up to me throughout the day and congratulated me, saying they loved the fact I was so happy and willing, and that they used my technique as examples...of what not to do so they could accomplish the course more efficiently!

 

We proceeded to build rafts and I assumed the role of motivator for my team and simply stepped back to allow the others to design the raft. I didn't want to be big headed so I just interjected with 'suggestions' on how to improve the raft (I'm a 1950's british 'boy' at heart and used to make rafts and go-carts all the time as a youth...), politely tied the right knots where needed and then volunteered as part of the four person team to race it against the competition.

 

Now, no one wanted to board their rafts in the lake because it was a bit choppy and they didn't trust their designs. Secretly, I knew ours would work and they didn't know I'm sailing kayaks on a weekly basis so I simply stepped into the lake, swam out to the front of my team's raft and mounted it! They were surprised, but I then helped direct 'raft mounting' in a calm and sensible manner and, thankfully, everyone managed to get on their raft without falling in the lake.

 

We won the raft race.

 

So, the day wasn't near finished and I could honestly say I felt excellent. I wasn't thinking about my ex - she did not matter to me then.

 

Post raft exercise, we completed the two challenges the instructors were looking forward to all day: the river crossing. Now, this was an interesting one and it's hard to describe. Basically, it involved a 30 metre crossing to a small island using 'swings' supported by ropes where one had to hold onto the supporting ropes and walk across the boards (the 'seat' of the swing) to the next swing until reaching the end. The 'swings' were each at slightly different heights and inclinations to add to the challenge.

 

The instructors made their way across with no drama. I, as had become tradition throughout the day, stepped up to the plate and thought to myself "Ok, this is easy...they made it look easy. Let's go!"

 

...

 

It wasn't easy. Wow, being my height and weight, well built up top with slim (phht..skinny!) legs isn't the best template for this type of challenge so; whereas for the instructors, the 'swings' swung just a little, they were all over the place for me. In fact, their motion could only be described as positively pendulous!

 

The lake was at its deepest in the channel which stretched below these last two challenges and, honestly, despite my willingness to swim out earlier, I didn't fancy taking a more violent plunge!

 

I made it to the end. The instructors crossed the challenge in two minutes; I took ten!

 

Anyway, the others followed and I must have made a lot of mistakes because their progress was far more swift!

 

The second challenge which turned out to be the only route back to the main land was much harder, much harder. It consisted of a steel cable 'tight rope' spanning the water channel with 'vines' (in the form of ropes) dangling from above at varying distances apart from each other. The aim was to grab the first rope, side step along, grabbing the next rope etc. until you reached the opposite bank.

 

At this point, let me emphasize that 'tight rope' is a bad analogy for this steel wire. Also, the 'vines' weren't attached to a rigid overhanging structure, but another rope spanning the channel and it was flexible. One had to pull the 'vines' real tight to get support, all the while maintaining movement so you could achieve a rhythm which enabled you to oscillate the walking cable in a manner which helped you stay standing. Standing still was almost impossible and would land you in the drink.

 

I landed in the drink. Without warning!

 

The rest of the group found this amusing but were sympathetic as it was the one challenge I didn't succeed at during the whole day and I was the only one to try every challenge.

 

Incidentally, all but one person failed this last challenge and the successful participant was a retired chap who seemed to glide over the wire as though he was levitating more than anything else... He revealed later on at the pub that he was a veteran ballroom dancer. Never underestimate the power or wisdom of the senior generations!

 

I had a very successful day, but it's only here where I'm celebrating my successes. I took every compliment modestly and most of the time was focusing on giving out positive reinforcement to the team anyway.

 

My ex doesn't know any of this progress I've made but that's irrelevant because, what does matter, is me. I am still grieving, but I know for a fact that this girl was so wrong about me. She didn't even know me. She'd never have expected me to do all of this when, actually, the experience made me realise how I'd not been myself when with her for a long time. Furthermore, the event coordinators asked me if I wanted to volunteer as an event coordinator myself! I'm seriously considering it.

 

Another surprising positive came out of this day. I met a girl. This girl was very quiet during the day but she came out of her shell some when she saw how much of an outgoing, confident, fun fool I was making myself out to be later on. I sat with her at lunch and it turns out that she's just one year younger than me, works in education and shares some common interests.

 

She asked if I had a girlfriend and I just said I'd come out of a relationship just under three months ago and that I was still grieving, but knew it wasn't right and that I wanted to move on but so far hadn't felt quite right about it. She was actually surprised, even commenting that I must have had girls falling at my feet! Ha! Yeh right!

 

I asked her if she had a boyfriend but she said he dumped her a few months ago too. She said she felt the same way as I about her situation.

 

I knew where it was leading (somehow - don't ask...) but she never asked me, so I asked her out for a coffee next week because we're 'quite' local. Her eyes lit up somewhat when I asked and I was confident that she'd say yes. She seemed rather lacking in confidence and I'm unsure why. I didn't press further.

 

I chose to sit with her at lunch because she was on her own and she looked my age. She was also pretty for a girl who'd been through the business end of an assault course. I'd also spent most of the day talking to other people and, honestly, I thought she was avoiding speaking to me because I felt I might be coming across as over confident maybe.

 

At lunch, I just thought "hm, well haven't spoken to her yet so let's try and at least make it so I've made an effort with everyone today."

 

I'm aware of the potential dangers of two people who are grieving past relationships hooking up, but honestly, I've been making such good progress that I owe it to myself not to rush anything or even expect a relationship with this girl. I also know that we shouldn't be mutual rebounds if it gets that far. The whole idea doesn't sit well with me. But, saying that, I'm not just going to pass up potential opportunities.

 

I'm going for a coffee with this girl and I'll see what happens. To be honest, I'm just happy that I've had a great day and somebody obviously likes the look of me. This girl has seen me at my current best, seen me when I've felt no pressure to conform to anybody else's expectations but my own.

 

But how do I feel? I'm on a high right now because I've proved certain points to myself which I knew already, but needed reaffirming. I've enjoyed the day, probably enjoyed it better than any day I've had for a long time. I know too that I would never have experienced this day if I was still in a relationship with my ex.

 

The thought that I might truly feel that I'm better off without her, that the break up was a good thing is difficult to process. I'm trying not to think about it. I still miss her; the emotions are still there, but they're not so raw now.

 

I also know that only 48 hours ago, I was experiencing somewhat of an emotional slump, a seemingly major downer, and I was lost. Maybe that panic was simply a symptom of realising I was getting better, that the ex had gone and had to go, but I am being careful. I know my feelings have been so up and down over the past few days that I owe it to myself and this new girl to take things easy. Also, if she's in a similar situation to me, I cannot expect anything from her.

 

Steadily we march along.

Edited August 15, 2011 by antinko

[california15]

I enjoyed reading that - I remember the first weekend when I had a blast with my girls out on a rented boat and I realized I had so much fun... without my ex. At the end of the day I still wanted to call and tell him, but at least I didn't think about him during the day or get sad because he wasn't there. I really enjoyed myself and was thankful for my friends. It was a turning point in my recovery process.

 

Also sounds great that you like your job. Thats a blessing, considering some people hate work. Its a great way to distract yourself almost, focusing energy on something productive. After my breakup too My esteem was shot, buried, had a funeral for - haha no seriously, it was really at the lowest point it had ever been. Its hard to recover from, as I still struggle with it, but I think work and getting out there like you are, and accomplishing little things are some ways to get it to grow again.

 

Glad you had a great day. Be careful with the new girl, but on the other hands congrats because it sounded like a positive encounter. Be careful of the rollercoaster highs and lows too. But like I said previously, you have a good attitude about this moving on thing, which makes all the difference in the world.

 

it sounds like you got this

[sleepykitten]

Hey there Antinko

Just checking in to your log-wow sounds like you had an awesome weekend and a potential date too for next week! Brilliant, i am really pleased for you, I love your writing, youre so honest and positive and a great role model for me post break up. i cant believe how much of your posts are similar to what happened to me and how i'm feeling. Thanks for writing-keep it up-youre helping us all.

[antinko]

Thanks california15.

 

I woke up today and my first thought wasn't of my ex... I did, however, then realise that fact and started thinking about her.

 

Current thoughts and feelings:

 

I know I'm doing quite well not seeing my ex. Distance is really therapeutic, but I must admit that I wouldn't enjoy seeing her especially with her new man still. I think it's just basic, somewhat superficial, possessiveness and jealousy in regard to that, though. I miss the fact that our kisses were so perfect; i miss the feel of her body (we were the perfect 'fit'); she was pretty good in bed and I do miss that smile.

 

She felt the same way about me; I know she did. She loved my height, my build and many other things and I know this new guy won't be able to provide those things.

 

It's important to my healing to be truthful. I tried demonizing my ex, trying to think about all her bad features and qualities, but it just upset me even more because it reminded me of how tolerant I'd been, and she'd not returned the same tolerance to me in the end!

 

So I have to heal, to get over her, being content that she possesses attractive features, but I won't get them anymore. I do trust, though, that I will find someone far better suited.

 

I mean, I admit that I somewhat 'settled' for my ex. I knew she wasn't 'quite' right for me, but I felt that I loved her 'enough'. I don't think that I was being entirely fair to myself, though, and when I think about it, I know there are glaring qualities she was lacking, but which are important to me.

 

I'm eccentric in many ways. My sense of humour is somewhat surreal and a bit morbid, i.e. more in line with Monty Python and Eddie Izzard. My ex just didn't understand them.

 

I am intellectual. I think a lot, but I love to converse with others on a deep level just to explore subjects. My ex didn't really do that.

 

I explore subjects, possibilities and entertain different outcomes. My approach to life is that I wish to, and will, be successful, but I don't pretend to have a rigid 'life plan'. I have confidence in and trust my abilities and power to reach my goals. My ex seemed to crave 'a direction' with a 'perfect answer'. She doesn't even know what this 'direction' or 'perfect outcome' is; she cannot define it, yet she pursues it and she tries to pursue her elusive dream in a very specific way.

 

I've arrived at the idea that, regardless of whether or not my ex does achieve her dreams, whatever they are, I am incompatible with the process and this became very evident on a daily basis with her: I felt frustrated because she simply couldn't relax. Nothing was ever truly good enough much of the time because she wouldn't let it be.

 

I know I'm willing to work on a relationship, but I wonder if, actually, being with my ex was far too much hard work. For all the qualities I miss about her, they were overshadowed by the day to day challenge of simply being with her. I realise that, from this distance, unable to 'have her' right now, I'm more inclined to miss her. Seeing her with the new guy makes me jealous because I know how great she is at her best; however, for me at least, being with her on a day to day basis was such hard work that I know most benefits she came with were simply diluted. I need to remember these facts.

 

And this is where, begrudgingly, I have to accept and not care about the new guy, or whoever else my ex hooks up with. I don't know this person. For all I know, they might last a week with my ex or they might last years. They might actually turn out to be perfect together and achieve great happiness, in which case, yes I'd be a bit envious; however, I know that her relationship with this person/people will be entirely different to what I shared with her. Again, compatibility. I'm Microsoft and she's Macintosh...I mean I'm Mac and she's... Whatever. Compatibility.

 

I'm starting to believe in compatibility and the fact that my ex and I, whilst in love and seeing wonderful qualities in each other, also being truly intimate at times and loving aspects of each other, weren't right. We had to end. But, ending was the best thing for both of us.

 

If we did, for some reason, end up back together in the future, it wouldn't be a matter of trust or 'being good enough': it would be a case of having become compatible. In short, both of us would have grown, understood the past and would be forming a new, stronger relationship. But do I think that will ever happen? Not in the short term, no. Not even in the next year or two, maybe not even in the same decade. But I think it'd be possible. I realise, though, that by the time we became compatible, we'd both have moved way on by then. So it's highly unlikely.

 

I think through this grieving process and forming a better understanding and appreciation of compatibility, it's also opened up my eyes to the fact that there is no single 'one' person out there for me: there are in fact, probably, several people who are potentially excellent life partners for me and we will be drawn to each other if our paths met.

 

So I'm not in a rush. I don't feel the pressure of going out and pulling loads of girls. I miss having regular sex, but I'm not desperate for it. I feel more in control of my emotions and, while I know I'll experience pangs of hurt, jealousy and will miss my ex still, I know that the control is coming back to me. My feelings of forgiveness and healing are more steadfast than they were. I no longer really feel the need to analyse 'what went wrong' or obsess.

 

In other news, that girl I agreed to go on a date with is spamming me with so many text messages, I'm beginning to feel a bit smothered and I'm sensing some red flags.

 

I will see how this date works out, but I'm feeling wary. I'm not going to analyse her but I'll be careful for both our sakes.

Edited August 15, 2011 by antinko

[antinko]

I just made the noise of a rapidly deflating balloon, not because I'm unhappy right now, but because I don't really know what to write, but I wanted to write something.

 

I'm feeling rather ambivalent right now and I'm not going to try to explore the reasons behind it. I know it's about my ex, but meh. I'm just going through the motions.

 

I think I went through the usual process of daily grief over the course of the day but it wasn't as intense as it was last week. In fact, I kind of just went "Ok, I'm asking this old question again and I feel like this...just give it an hour and I'll be fine..."

 

So bored of the process now.

 

Anyway, I haven't contacted my ex in a good while now; the only time I did 'break NC' was by accident at the pub last Wednesday and I hope I don't see her again any time soon. I'm not really thinking about that much, though.

 

I'll be in Scotland at the weekend visiting some friends and I'm fairly sure I'll be able to put her well out of my mind for that duration. I certainly hope so.

 

Hm. Ran out of things to say now. I have nothing new at this moment in time.

[antinko]

And through the waves of emotion we go...

 

I still believe the good lessons I've learned, but I have to document this truth right now: presently, I'm pining again and I miss her. I know, though, that I'm pining the past, what we 'had' and as I write this, I'm reminding myself of the difficulties of the relationship.

 

A friend told me earlier, a wise friend who's seen a lot, that my ex didn't leave for any of the reasons that she listed, nor was the relationship stagnant: no, she left, according to him, because things got 'real'. She saw that the next steps were settling down etc. and she got cold feet or realised that this wasn't what she wanted, that she wanted the honeymoon period back again.

 

I've come to similar conclusions before, but I always focused on the idea that she was just bored, not that it was because she knew it was getting serious.

 

The reasons are irrelevant, but what he said did upset me a bit because it actually made a lot of sense to me.

 

I had a pang of wanting to phone her but I haven't and won't.

 

I'm calming down again now and will read more of that book later.

 

I will go ahead with that date I asked that girl about but I might not be ready yet. I won't hurt her; I've promised that much to myself. Hell, maybe we both would be best off as friends and avoid getting involved at all. I didn't 'come on' to her yesterday...it was quite casual.

 

Take things as they come...

[Dblock10]

pretty much read the whole log. how long were you with the ex?

 

you sound too good for her in all honesty. you are the " nice guy" breed.

 

i have been let down by a girl because she gave up on me or us should i say. but i accept its because she is 21, young! so i kinda need to let it go.

 

was fun whilst it lasted and i was serious about her. probably to serious.

 

either way i think i am going to just try and move on, plan and organise things for myself in my life. she isn't as far as i know with another guy, that wouldn't make sense based on why we broke up. however it most likely will happen and it will gut me. so i don't know how to prepare for that particularly.

 

im thinking, enjoy life, im at uni. maybe just have fun with girls if and when it happens but certainly not pursue them or if i do dont centre my life on them. im going to be open to a lot more opportunities now. i want to explore new people sexually. i want to live life! i want better friendships. i want to be popular, i want to be successful and happy. i want to be a better me. i want to really do well at uni, very much so.

 

i am 24, 6ft and slim, but toned and muscular. she would always say how i need to eat more pies to make her look less fat lol. im fed up with it! i know i look fine, yes i would like to be more bulky but honestly its hard. its just my genes.

 

anyway dont mean to take over this. just i think you are doing well, and being mature about it.

 

im guessing this isnt your one and only serious relationship?

 

i hope you do find someone amazing, you deserve to.

 

however i worry that you place too much emphasis on having "someone". i think you need to get to the point where you can lie in bed at night, and think actually i dont need anyone, i have myself.. !

 

girls come and go, they are part of my life, not my life.

 

see what i mean

[antinko]

Firstly, thanks sleepykitten for the comment - for some reason your post didn't show up until now for me!

 

@Dblock10

 

I'm not 'the nice guy' breed: I'm an honest, decent man who has feelings, but I won't be trampled in the long run. I don't live to satisfy my partner; I did everything for the relationship because I believed in it.

 

I was actually pretty firm with my ex at times and it helped her, but I won't go into too much detail here because she was seriously in a bad place. Her issues will remain between herself and I.

 

This situation was totally new to me and I won't allow a woman to do the same to me again because I'll see the red flags next time. Saying that, though, I won't sabotage my chance by being suspicious.

 

I tend to learn my lessons well, but I let them be learned naturally. Yep, I'm making fairly good progress now but I'm under no illusion that the progression is linear.

 

You do make a point which does resonate, though. While I know I'm fine on my own, I really do want a family some day and I want it to be with the right person. I'm not necessarily making it my mission in life, but it is important to me.

 

Additionally, this last relationship was so exhausting, I'm really in no rush for another one right now!

 

Anyway, to answer your question, this is my third relationship and each relationship seemed to be more serious than the last.

 

My first relationship was during sixth form and was fun, but ended when we went to uni. The break up was mutual and amicable. The girl in question actually met her now fiance at university and I'm very happy for her.

 

My second relationship was at university and was great but we knew it was just while we were both at that stage in life. We did consider a future together, but were realistic when we graduated. I finished with a First in English and wanted to go into teaching and she finished with a First in Law and went down to London to do Post Grad.

 

This most recent relationship has been the most serious and moved very quickly. I felt though, given her previous experiences and the way she fell hard for me in the beginning, that she knew what she wanted. I really loved her, but was somewhat naive. I do believe that she did want to make it work, but time made her realise that long term wasn't for her.

 

Apparently, I'm far different to her other boyfriends. I'm physically taller, more attractive, get things done and showed true respect and appreciation to her. Unfortunately, these qualities seemed to serve to scare her off because she realised, once the honeymoon period was over, that I was serious and she wasn't as serious as she thought she was.

 

Anyway, I hope the beginning of my post doesn't sound rude: I just hate the 'nice guy' 'alpha male' etc. labels. I'm me and no one labels me...which brings me onto my next post...