Antinko's Coping Journal

[antinko]

Labels, I hate them and do not subscribe. No way, no thanks, never.

 

The worst label is 'nice guy'.

 

'Nice guy' is yet another label which annoys me as it is misunderstood and seems to be used to often label chaps who are decent, respectable, treat people right and hold strong values.

 

'Nice' means pleasant, agreeable and satisfactory; however, I fulfill only two of those three adjectives.

 

I am pleasant because I don't believe in being a jackass to people and I am agreeable a lot of the time; however, when I see something I disagree with, I will disagree. I disagreed with my ex a lot. In fact, I often challenged her, frankly, crazy views on certain things.

 

I am most certainly not 'satisfactory'. Satisfactory suggests that one is content with the status quo; however, I am always working, changing, trying new things...bettering myself. I always have practised this, even when I was with my ex. The term 'nice guy' suggests a male who doesn't defend himself.

 

So am I a 'nice guy'? No. I'm a man and I did what I had to do because I had a goal, a goal which I thought was shared. I defended my career in a proactive manner; I stood up for my values and I tried to defend the relationship I believed to be worthwhile.

 

The only thing which let me down was that, being human, I was hurt coming out of the relationship and I took on board, temporarily, what my ex said to me, the little jabs, the accusations...because I was hurt.

 

But you know what? I'm unashamed of feeling hurt at the time and expressing it. I reacted hurt, fought for the relationship, did anything I could to salvage what we had because I gave a damn and I thought it was worth at least trying because, despite the pace of our love, we had completed a lot of ground work and I felt we were becoming stronger.

 

I realise now that I was somewhat naive, but I'm not satisfied with the idea of allowing that to happen to me again, being dumped like that and having a relationship like that one. I will take what I've learned and approach things differently next time. I am unashamed of being naive in situations where I haven't had any prior experience: it's natural! I'm confident enough in myself to proclaim that!

 

As told, I've been looking after myself post-break up, been bettering myself and have tried to help others, and yes, as noted by sleepykitten, I've been positive at times. But am I going to say "Well, no, actually, one should suppress their feelings entirely and 'be strong' so to speak. Just get on with it. There are plenty more fish in the sea!"

 

There are others out there who would suit me as a partner, but I'm not going to suppress my feelings for the sake of 'appearing strong'. Strength, in my mind, is honesty and one owes it to themself to be honest. If others dislike it or feel uncomfortable, then they need to ask themselves why they feel uncomfortable.

 

I'm perfectly happy expressing myself. In certain cultures, men are incredibly expressive - I've seen strong burly European men cry over many things! Yet are they weak for showing their emotions? No! They should be applauded for being unashamed of being human.

 

Yes, being reserved is useful in many situations. For example, I had to mask my emotions when I saw my ex and her new man, but that was temporary and for myself. My relationship with my former girlfriend was very much different there. I did, however, show her my emotions post break up because I wanted her to know what she'd meant to me. I respected and trusted her enough to show the way I felt. What was most important was what I was going to do with that grief and I'm still using it to fuel my self improvement mission.

 

I do not accept labels and neither do I accept being typecast. Real worthwhile people embrace themselves and will possess a myriad of qualities which will attract different people, likely others sharing similar traits.

 

I require no 'system' in order to succeed because success in my book is being me. No one can teach me how to be me apart from me and I will reap the success I deserve providing I uphold what it is to be me and that involves striving for better, but being a decent man with values and an open mind. I'll never be satisfactory because I won't settle for it. And neither should anyone else!

 

So Love Shackers, those of you who read my journal, believe in yourselves. Accept that, while you're likely grieving being the dumpee side of a break up, that it's totally fine to react in whatever way you reacted post break up (providing it was law abiding and not dangerous), but, just learn from your experiences. The only mistake, the only unsatisfactory actions, you can truly take are those of inaction and not learning from yourself and putting your learning into use next time... Ok, three mistakes!

 

Crikey, what a preachy post! Anyway, made me feel better about the slight slump I experienced earlier this evening!

 

P.S

 

For the record, I don't often get labelled as a 'nice guy', but I see it being used a lot.

[antinko]

 

i have been let down by a girl because she gave up on me or us should i say. but i accept its because she is 21, young! so i kinda need to let it go.

 

was fun whilst it lasted and i was serious about her. probably to serious.

 

either way i think i am going to just try and move on, plan and organise things for myself in my life. she isn't as far as i know with another guy, that wouldn't make sense based on why we broke up. however it most likely will happen and it will gut me. so i don't know how to prepare for that particularly.

 

im thinking, enjoy life, im at uni. maybe just have fun with girls if and when it happens but certainly not pursue them or if i do dont centre my life on them. im going to be open to a lot more opportunities now. i want to explore new people sexually. i want to live life! i want better friendships. i want to be popular, i want to be successful and happy. i want to be a better me. i want to really do well at uni, very much so.

 

i am 24, 6ft and slim, but toned and muscular. she would always say how i need to eat more pies to make her look less fat lol. im fed up with it! i know i look fine, yes i would like to be more bulky but honestly its hard. its just my genes.

 

 

Yeh, enjoy yourself mate. The way you achieve your desires is to turn them from 'wants' to 'goals'. Some goals are short term, others mid term, different ones long term...

 

Like I mentioned above, a long term goal for me is to have a loving wife and have a family, but I'm in no rush. I'm writing this journal and completing my 'grief work' so I can maximize my chances of being the best 'me' I can be so I can achieve my goals in the long term.

 

Along the way, though, I have shorter term self improvement goals. Everyone can do this.

[california15]

I'm sure you'll get alot of compliments on your writing, not only style but genuineness.

 

I know where you're coming from with "fitting" with the ex. Emotionally, mentally and physically we fit real well together. Regular sex and how there was just an easy flow to the relationship. Thinking of stuff like that though only prolongs the moving on process for me, because thats where heart takes over mind and I begin to miss him... it's not there anymore.

 

Good luck with the new girl. And if there is one thing I learned from this break up, its Listen to your gut feeling. Heartofaphoenix's tag line is something by Dane cook about the girl actually wore a red flag to the date. I ignored all the red flags in my last relationship and I got burned and I know I got to trust my gut.

 

I've never been to Scotland before! Is it pretty common for people in Europe to visit other countries on the weekend, since they're so close?

[sleepykitten]

Morning Antinko

I think you should consider writing a book. I havent really got much else to say thats any different from what i usually say which is you are a total inspiration here and i am sure so many people are getting alot from your posts. I know I am. Cant wait to hear about your date and how that goes.

Like I mentioned previously its uncanny how many similarities there are in your story re your ex, mne too was "a perfect fit" he actually used to call me his perfect fit. And then totally bailed once the honeymoon period was over and real life kicked in. He was the one and only person i totally opened up to, was honest about everything, i met him when really i was in a very emotional and vunerable place and should have healed first before getting involved with someone, but I think he wanted to fix me and i wanted to feel safe and loved. I was so honest about everything and by doing that i opened myself up to a world of hurt when he left because now i feel i cant ever be like that again with anyone. I have been "casually" seeing someone, i told him i couldnt get into anything serious right now, but i have seen him a few times and when he has stayed over i cant sleep at all, its like i just cant let go and relax because i still feel a bit lost.

[Dblock10]

Yeh, enjoy yourself mate. The way you achieve your desires is to turn them from 'wants' to 'goals'. Some goals are short term, others mid term, different ones long term...

 

Like I mentioned above, a long term goal for me is to have a loving wife and have a family, but I'm in no rush. I'm writing this journal and completing my 'grief work' so I can maximize my chances of being the best 'me' I can be so I can achieve my goals in the long term.

 

Along the way, though, I have shorter term self improvement goals. Everyone can do this.

 

 

Thanks dude. Yeah you don't sound like a "nice guy". you are a man. I am surprised your ex left you in all honesty.

 

its interesting about your ex at university. cause this is where i met mine, i was first year going onto second, and her 3rd year finishing!

 

you can tell you got a first in english. When you guys finished, did you mutually agree it wouldn't work now? did you ever want to meet up in the not so distant future?

 

a lot of people who go all the way to marriage meet at university.

 

i like the idea of short term goals and long term goals.

 

does it help to write them down?

[antinko]

I'm sure you'll get alot of compliments on your writing, not only style but genuineness.

 

I know where you're coming from with "fitting" with the ex. Emotionally, mentally and physically we fit real well together. Regular sex and how there was just an easy flow to the relationship. Thinking of stuff like that though only prolongs the moving on process for me, because thats where heart takes over mind and I begin to miss him... it's not there anymore.

 

Good luck with the new girl. And if there is one thing I learned from this break up, its Listen to your gut feeling. Heartofaphoenix's tag line is something by Dane cook about the girl actually wore a red flag to the date. I ignored all the red flags in my last relationship and I got burned and I know I got to trust my gut.

 

I've never been to Scotland before! Is it pretty common for people in Europe to visit other countries on the weekend, since they're so close?

 

Yes, moving on is also being made difficult for me when, in my head, part of me is screaming "But it was so right?!" Honestly, I've just had to tell myself that, although we did 'fit' really well, it wasn't enough. It's such a shame, but what can we do?

 

Thanks about the new girl; I'll see how it goes. She has texted me a few times and some of the things she's said have caused me to raise an eyebrow a few times, but I'll give it a chance.

 

In regard to visiting other countries at the weekend, you have to realise how tiny the UK is in comparison to everywhere else. It is common to make cross country trips, but 'cross country' to us is probably less distance than 'cross state' for a lot of Americans. Other parts of Europe are much larger; however, flights and trains are rather cheap. I've been to France a few times during a weekend - in fact, my journey to France or even Germany would be a shorter time travelled than to Scotland.

 

Scotland is beautiful. In fact, the UK in general gorgeous; we just don't appreciate it enough when we live there! You should visit.

[antinko]

Morning Antinko

I think you should consider writing a book. I havent really got much else to say thats any different from what i usually say which is you are a total inspiration here and i am sure so many people are getting alot from your posts. I know I am. Cant wait to hear about your date and how that goes.

Like I mentioned previously its uncanny how many similarities there are in your story re your ex, mne too was "a perfect fit" he actually used to call me his perfect fit. And then totally bailed once the honeymoon period was over and real life kicked in. He was the one and only person i totally opened up to, was honest about everything, i met him when really i was in a very emotional and vunerable place and should have healed first before getting involved with someone, but I think he wanted to fix me and i wanted to feel safe and loved. I was so honest about everything and by doing that i opened myself up to a world of hurt when he left because now i feel i cant ever be like that again with anyone. I have been "casually" seeing someone, i told him i couldnt get into anything serious right now, but i have seen him a few times and when he has stayed over i cant sleep at all, its like i just cant let go and relax because i still feel a bit lost.

 

I've tried to write four books in my life so far, each fiction and every one rubbish! I think if I did write a complete book, though, it would have to relate to my real life experiences. I'm not good at fiction. I am actually considering using this experience in a book but I'm not sure if it'd solely be about relationships. I'll have to think about it.

 

If people find my posts useful, I am glad. It makes me feel good that I can have at least some positive effect on others. I'm finding the journal useful for reflection.

 

Also, yeh, 'perfect fit'. When your partner is so forthcoming with powerful declarations of devotion and adoration, it makes it so much harder when they dump you because there is so much conflict. I'm still battling with the contradictions in thoughts and feelings, but I am thinking about it less. I'm trying to just focus on what actually happened now. I'm going to write more on 'words' and 'the things they say' later on.

 

I think I'm also going to write about the betrayal feelings more later too, the lack of sleep and the second guessing. It's quite strange because the last few days I've got up and checked LS with certain problems on my mind and, for some reason, I've stumbled upon a thread about the exact same problem.

 

Thanks again for the comment sleepykitten.

[antinko]

Thanks dude. Yeah you don't sound like a "nice guy". you are a man. I am surprised your ex left you in all honesty.

 

its interesting about your ex at university. cause this is where i met mine, i was first year going onto second, and her 3rd year finishing!

 

you can tell you got a first in english. When you guys finished, did you mutually agree it wouldn't work now? did you ever want to meet up in the not so distant future?

 

a lot of people who go all the way to marriage meet at university.

 

i like the idea of short term goals and long term goals.

 

does it help to write them down?

 

My ex was conflicted when leaving me and took a long time doing it, but I am trying to give up on thinking about 'why' she left. All I know is that she's had a pattern of this behaviour before and I think she's scared of the realities of commitment. She doesn't seem to know what she wants other than the thrill of the honeymoon period and she is selfish. As I said, though, I'm trying to give up thinking about the 'whys' now - they're exhausting!

 

My breakup with the girl from university wasn't very formal to be honest. We simply drifted apart. I liked her a lot but we both knew that there was very little chance of a long term relationship with each other because we were so qualification and profession driven at the time.

 

As far as goals go, I keep a calendar with enough space to make notes on each day and a separate notepad.

 

I use the calendar to plan my exercise, social events and other activities. I also keep appointments jotted on it.

 

I use the notepad to jot down pretty much anything: thoughts, goals, needs etc. Anything. I transfer anything major onto the calendar.

 

I organise my professional life through a separate planner.

 

I probably don't organise my goals in the most efficient way but it works for me. I actually spent a long time refining this personal method. I tried reading about different systems of organisation and setting goals, but they were difficult to learn. Experience helped me out more in the long run.

 

The best analogy I've seen for reaching long term goals is by setting manageable short term goals. Will Smith said something about, when he was young, his father made his brother and he build a brick wall.

 

Now, what they didn't do was set out to build the brick wall because it was massive. But what they did do, was to set out to place each individual brick as perfectly as possible without looking further than the brick they were currently on and, eventually, they ended up with a complete wall. I liked that one - you can find it on YouTube.

[antinko]

We create fantasies, or rather nightmares for ourselves when we've been dumped. We find ourselves asking:

 

- What are they doing?

- Who are they with?

- Where are they?

- When did they decide they didn't love me?

- Why don't they love me? Why did they leave me?

 

And it kills us inside.

 

We ask ourselves these questions because we've suffered a loss. We misconceive reality and believe that our ex is moving onto something better, something superior to us, but that's just not the case.

 

I think it's partially due to the types of societies we live within, but many of us live under the impression that you could take humanity, line us up against a wall and then organise us all in terms of 'who's best'.

 

Seriously, if you're worried that your ex is moving onto someone 'better' right now, imagine yourself and ten people you know and then order those people, including yourself, in terms of 'who's best'.

 

Go on. Seriously. I'll do it too. You know, we're all so hung up on worrying that we're 'not good enough', that surely we can be ranked!

 

I can't do it... Can you?

 

Ok, now let's say, like my ex, your ex is now in a new relationship. Imagine it. Go on, give it your best shot. Visualize exactly what they're doing, what it's like and how they feel together. Apparently I'm psychic...

 

Again, I can't do it, yet, I've been on this forum and quite clearly been distressed about my ex leaving me for someone else and having a new relationship because, yes, I feared that both new man and new relationship would be better than me and what we had.

 

The fact is that it doesn't matter, but if you want an attempt at a qualification of that argument, this is what I now think:

 

I have no idea what was going through my ex's mind for the last two months of the relationship. As we distance ourselves through time and I remember what it was like during the most genuine parts of the relationship when she looked me deep in the eyes and, well, didn't have to say anything, I knew we shared a deep connection. Love.

 

But the last couple of months were an effort. I've already discussed a number of experiences and feelings we went through, but the reality is that I have no idea how she thinks, what she feels or what she wants. And why do I not know these things? I don't know them because she doesn't know. And even if she does, do I really want such a confusing piece of hard work of an individual as my partner? No, not in that state.

 

I digress slightly. My point is that it's pointless obsessing over my ex's new relationship because it's completely different to what she had with me and I do not know what she's thinking.

 

What we shared was unique. When she 'fitted' me; when she told me she loved me and everything was perfect, it was for that moment in time and that can never be replaced. Ever. It was ours and, you know what? I'm thankful for it.

 

And the other guy being 'better'? Again, it's an unhealthy and unrealistic way of thinking. We cannot rank people because everyone is so incredibly different.

 

Comparing ourselves with others can be useful in certain ways, but not when we compare entire individuals and their qualities. What are we doing? Drawing up comprehensive lists of each others pros and cons right down to the DNA?! Well, actually, I wouldn't put it past my ex to do that, but that's beside the point...

 

What I'm trying to get at is that we fall into the trap of obsessing over what other people think of us. And it doesn't matter.

 

By giving too much thought to our exes and the questions I listed above, we're distracting ourselves from the most important person in the situation: us.

 

This post here is brilliant and I thank SugarLily for posting it because it makes so much sense. In fact, I'm going to reword it a little bit in order to apply it to anyone who is struggling thinking about their exes right now:

 

"All these questions are just speculation. It's totally normal to think these things and wonder. It's totally normal to look back in retrospect every day and have a new revelation.

 

The reality is that your ex MIGHT fall in love with someone else.

 

Your ex MIGHT get married and have children.

 

And guess what? Your ex MIGHT never find anyone else again and live the rest of their life wishing they had never left you.

 

You can't predict life. You are never going to know what could happen.

 

The point is - it doesn't matter.

 

It doesn't matter what your ex is doing or who they are with.

 

IT DOESN'T MATTER!

 

There is nothing wrong with you - and no person your ex ever forms a relationship with will EVER be 'better'.

 

Your ex will NEVER have what you had again. Never. Your relationship was unique - and you can never replace it.

 

You have to take time out and work on yourself. Think about what YOU want from life.

 

Consciously stop your mind from thinking about your ex - and instead think about you.

 

Think about your ambitions - the things that you want from life, and how to get them.

 

You have to stay strong and keep NC.

 

Your heart is breaking for a reason - you will fall in love again, with the right person. For the right reasons, at the right time. And all of this will make sense."

 

Great post.

 

And yes, keeping NC is very powerful.

I was affected by some of the words my ex used to hurt me in order to cover up her insecurities and it did lead me to compare myself with her new man when I saw him. In fact, my first few posts about seeing him were a little bit bitchy, referring to him as 'man creature thing', 'fat', 'unattractive' etc., but I know really I used those descriptions because she'd made me feel insecure.

 

In reality, the guy is simply different to me and, frankly, I wouldn't want to be him and he probably wouldn't want to be me either. We're different animals.

 

My ex is free to do whatever she wants and, as much as I do still miss what we shared, I know that it was unique. It'll never be replaced.

 

And I don't require her validation or confirmation of that fact. I trust the feelings were shared with each other at the time, but times changed, we changed and the relationship ended.

 

I am a different person to the guy I was when I joined Love Shack. I've reclaimed a lot of who I was before the relationship turned sour and I've learned, I think, from my mistakes. I now accept who I am and I don't require validation of my character or worth from anyone else and I am no longer interested in what my ex is possibly doing, but rather more committed to my interest in what I am doing.

 

So:

 

- What am I going to do today? (my responsibility to plan my life)

- Who am I going to get involved with today? (who wants to know me who will add to my happiness?)

- When am I going to do it? (*looks at calendar*)

- Where am I going? (*still looks at calendar*)

- Why am I doing it? (because it helps me)

Edited August 16, 2011 by antinko

[lymtal1]

Antinko, I truly wake up each morning and look to read you journal entries. For the past two months I used to wake up thinking about her and totally obsessing for hours. Now the first thing I do is get on here and see what you have been up to. Thank you for sharing with us your thoughts and situation and putting youself out for all to see. It has truly helped me in a way that others should try to utilize. I shift my focus of her as soon as I wake. This gets my mind in the right place for the rest of the day. I owe you for that so thanks again.

 

It has helped me put a perspective on my situation and feel better that others are going through similar situiations or are also hurting just as bad as am I.

 

What has me so perplexed is her quote to me that she knows that in the not too distant future she will regret her decision to leave and then it will be too late. I keep going back to that. The reality is she is right.

 

Stay strong and good luck with everything.

[antinko]

Thanks lymtal1! I am glad to be of help.

 

Ok, an update. Something very random happened and I don't know what to make of it, but I'm not going to act on it. For some reason, I actually find it mildly amusing...

 

In my post-break up angst, I did what many people do and made some online dating accounts. I simply copy and pasted the same profile and made do with that.

 

Anyway, I thought I'd deleted all my accounts, but apparently not.

 

I received an e-mail stating 'Ex's name and exact (incorrect spelling)' from 'same area within 10 miles of me' has viewed your profile'.

 

Hm, weird. Now, I was assuming it was someone else, but I'm 99% sure she's the only girl with that particular spelling of her name because it's really strange. Quite a nice spelling, but not listed.

 

Anyway, I just thought "hm, ok fine, whatever..." but then I clicked on the 'view her profile' link out of curiosity to see if was her, but the account had been deactivated pretty much instantly. Curious.

 

I'm sure it's her. I think it's highly likely that the same spelling of my ex's name from less than 10 miles away would see my profile and then immediately deactivate their account.

 

I'm just thinking about this because it makes me wonder "What happened with the other guy?" Hm.

 

Don't get me wrong, at this point I'm simply curious. It happened at the gym when I was replying to a text message and the e-mail came through so I was just working away and pondering.

 

In a way, I am a bit amused because they got a bit self righteous about using online dating again, but it seems that they are using it.

 

Oh well. I'll drop it now.

 

I still miss her and I still care for her, but I think I've managed to remove her from that pedestal, pretty much anyway. I'm also happy with myself because I'm not sitting here worrying what's she now thinking etc. A few weeks ago, this event would have either caused me to message her asking if it was indeed her, or cause me to fret a lot. Furthermore, this event just backs up the fact that we shouldn't care what they're up to. In this situation, it appears that my ex's thing with the new chap hasn't worked out and now she's searching again. That, or something else. Maybe it is just a case of there being two girls with the same peculiarly misspelled name... Highly unlikely, but...it doesn't matter. Aside from being a simple curiosity, I'm not going to waste any more time thinking about it because speculation in this situation is pointless. Leave speculation to the sci-fi writers.

 

I've deleted the online dating account in question. I forgot that I had it.

Edited August 16, 2011 by antinko

[ConfusedT]

Yea, i would NEVER do the online dating thing until i was completely healed from my first relationship & you're not! =(

I am honestly not going to do the online dating thing, because im not ready for that yet. i like fate taking its course i guess & if i wake up one day and change my mind, then hey, you'll see my pretty little face on there with a big smile!

 

but yes, you are struggling, but the good thing is you can and you will move on. its been a week, but i already feel better, kinda?!?!?!

 

=)

 

hope you are having a better day than yesterday!

[antinko]

You all know I teach English; my degree is in English and, well, if they're not big enough clues, I'll tell you: I love the English language. I actually love language in general.

 

But words hold little weight with me.

 

As I go through life and meet new people, form relationships and read what others have to say on the internet, I realise that much of the time, people don't really mean what they say and this could be for some of the following reasons:

 

- They speak without thinking

- They don't understand all the words they're using

- They're lying or exaggerating

- Many other reasons

 

The point is that words hold little weight compared to a person's actions.

 

Here on Love Shack, many of us have found some of the things our exes said to us to be confusing, contradictory, plain wrong and/or mean. I know in my case, I certainly felt that way. My ex said a whole range of things to me which stripped away my self esteem. But the fact is, she probably didn't mean any of it. In reality, she wanted to 'get out' for some reason but I don't think even she really knew what that reason was.

 

Apparently, 90% of communication between humans is non verbal, but we're terribly educated when it comes to reading the signs. In fact, many people find it difficult to truly master the languages they speak so it makes me wonder just what exactly a lot of people mean much of the time!

 

Just a bit of an intellectual curiosity there. I'm not saying people are stupid, far from it in fact, but we put so much emphasis on what is said and done, when the messages are so mixed and often incoherent due to misunderstandings, misinterpretations and alternate interpretations of what is said and done.

[Artu]

- They speak without thinking

- They don't understand all the words they're using

- They're lying or exaggerating

- Many other reasons

 

The point is that words hold little weight compared to a person's actions.

 

Here on Love Shack, many of us have found some of the things our exes said to us to be confusing, contradictory, plain wrong and/or mean. I know in my case, I certainly felt that way. My ex said a whole range of things to me which stripped away my self esteem. But the fact is, she probably didn't mean any of it. In reality, she wanted to 'get out' for some reason but I don't think even she really knew what that reason was.

 

Apparently, 90% of communication between humans is non verbal, but we're terribly educated when it comes to reading the signs. In fact, many people find it difficult to truly master the languages they speak so it makes me wonder just what exactly a lot of people mean much of the time!

 

Just a bit of an intellectual curiosity there. I'm not saying people are stupid, far from it in fact, but we put so much emphasis on what is said and done, when the messages are so mixed and often incoherent due to misunderstandings, misinterpretations and alternate interpretations of what is said and done.

 

 

Yes,

My ex after playing dishonest tricks on me, made me believe by her words that her love was true, swearing she was only mine, and though my heart refused to trust, my soul stayed committed and dedicated to her as before...

Meanwhile she got pregnant from another man parallely with all "her deep deep deep love" for only me.

 

Would anyone stay with such a woman?

 

I stayed, I shared love with her as she asked for it, she pleaded she needed..

my love was true and honest,

but as the time came closer to her giving birth to the baby,

I could NOT handle this any more.. It was beyond my soul powers.. I am human after all..

She was cheating on the father of her baby with me.

She cheated on me with the other man.

 

Would anyone stay with such a woman?

 

 

She is still trying to share her love with me.

Is she not a dirty dishonest bitch?

----------

 

I wish her all the best in life.

I wish her absolute happiness with her baby`s father.

I wish her true love and genuine joy.

I do not wish her anything bad though she hurt me enormously much.

I will always bless her with all the close people she has and will have in her life. May her life be full of love.

 

 

 

It is a true life tragedy to lose a dedicated to you soul, the soul that devoted all the self to you.

I did not lose a dedicated to me soul. She was the most selfish bitch I ever knew. But my heart will always bless her as I have a feeling of a fatherly love for her..as if she is my baby..I do bless her always and anyway.

 

May her be always blessed. My love will always bless her.

[antinko]

Artu, you sound like you got out of the situation just in time and it's very good of you to wish the girl a good life.

[antinko]

is fun for post break up mental recuperation. The lyrics hold the barest semblance to my situation, but it's about heartbreak and it's upbeat. The chorus is ace too... He he.

[antinko]

I'm going to bed in a bit but I will admit that seeing that e-mail earlier affected me slightly. The dating site in itself isn't a problem, but it was a dating site for teachers and my ex made it pretty clear that she found the teacher lifestyle incompatible with her...

 

So I've been thinking "What?!" I know, I shouldn't ask these questions and I only wrote a post about not caring about what your ex is thinking earlier on. I am trying to follow that advice, but I am admitting here that I am struggling because this is a coping journal.

 

I am coping, but the feelings and thoughts - everything I write about detailing positive ways of getting over your ex require constant practice.

 

I'm fine. I've tried asking and answering the questions in my mind regarding this simple profile view and subsequent account deactivation and the only answer which is consistent is that she's trying to find the 'right' person for her.

 

I know that looking at my profile will have made her realize that I'm trying to move on from her. I refuse to think about anything else she might be thinking because it doesn't matter.

 

I'm not sitting here feeling guilty for anything which happened during the break up and I'm not worrying about reasons for the break up anymore. All I know is that break ups are messy no matter how well one tries to handle them.

 

I've had a few moments of wanting to contact her today after receiving that e-mail, but I won't. If she replied, I doubt I'd like the answers and I'm not sure she could give any. She's made up her mind and is clearly living her life now. Despite saying she didn't want to use it again, if she wants to use online dating, fine. She just said that she didn't want to use it again because she felt it was a sign of desperation, but I guess she is desperate. Desperate like I am to get over her.

 

In some ways, I'm coming to terms with the fact that we're not too different. We're both trying to find happiness. We're both apparently incompatible with each other. We're both making 'mistakes' - we're both human.

 

She's totally off that pedestal now, but I'm not 'better' than her. I cannot line us up in that row of ten people I talked about earlier. If anything, we stand side by side trying to find happiness, but we're blind to each other; although, one of us still insists on trying to see the other, but he now refrains from reaching out.

 

Current mood: melancholy.

 

This brings me onto forgiveness and I think that's the crux of my grief.

 

I'm glad I never swore at or insulted my ex. I did, however, feel really terrible emotions towards her as part of the grief process. I know this is natural, but it disturbed me because I don't hate easily.

 

I never hated my dad who abandoned my family. I don't hate anyone, but I hated my ex for a little while. When I saw her with that new guy, I hated her. She did nothing wrong; she didn't even rub it in my face! But it reminded me of the fact 'we' were over and I hated that she'd been the one to call it quits.

 

That's another problem. I think I hated myself for not ending us sooner. No, it's not a case of 'one upping' her, not at all. It's the fact I was lying to myself in the last month of the relationship.

 

Yeh, I claimed we were doing better and we were to an extent, but we were putting too much effort into it. I remember saying "I love you" to her about three times as often because I wanted to hear her say it back to me, and she did a lot of the time, but other times she didn't. I pressured her. I pressured myself. I was growing to resent her, but really I shouldn't have blamed her. We were over before she dumped me and, actually, I know now that she had tried to make it work. She really gave it her best because I know she did want it to get better...

 

I'm not trying to blame myself for holding on. At the time, I felt it was just a challenge which, once overcome, would make us stronger. But it wasn't.

 

I've been trying so hard to convince myself it was mostly her, that she let us down when, actually, it was neither of us who were at fault so to speak.

 

Here I am coming back to compatibility. I think, though, that I still felt that it was her fault for being incompatible, almost as if she was in control of it.

 

Our incompatibility fed off each other in that last month and, although we tried to save what we had, we were just growing increasingly resentful of each other. I look back now and think to myself "No wonder we broke up..."

 

I see now that we both hung on, but she was actually more truthful to the reality of the situation than I was. She's seen similar events before; she's been through break ups before and she's had to make herself 'strong' in order to get through them.

 

I still don't believe that she's allowed herself to grieve sufficiently, but neither do I know that she hasn't or isn't right at this moment. It doesn't matter either way, but it does mean this:

 

I forgive her.

 

I forgive her because she's simply been herself. She's been herself and she's coped in the way she copes. Who am I to judge? How can I blame her for being her?

 

I have to let her go now. Any happiness she shows should I see her out and about, even with another man, is just because the girl is trying to be happy. It's nothing personal in regard to me: she just wants happiness.

 

The difference is that I have learned happiness comes from within. I don't think she sees it in the same way and I think she believes she'll only find happiness with another person, but again, who am I to judge? I won't blame her for being her.

 

So where now? I know I still hurt, but I feel like some weight has been taken off my shoulders. I'm truly caring less about 'what happened and why' and now accept her for who she is and don't blame her for it.

 

I'm content to focus on myself now and I'll show my love to her by simply remaining NC and continuing to move on.

 

New mood: Less melancholy - more 'healed' positive thoughts have replaced the doubt. No longer asking questions.

 

Finally, I forgive myself.

 

Newer mood: Experiencing some degree of peace and relief...

Edited August 17, 2011 by antinko

[california15]

Yeah I tried to cling on at the end to what I knew wasn't working... and I too said 'I love you' not only because I loved him but more or less because I wanted him to say it back, almost as a reassurance that he was still in it... but looking back it didn't matter because look at where we are now. I learned that I'll never say and I love you for that reason again. I'm pretty picky with my I love yous. I've only said it to 2 guys in my life and I hope his I love you's weren't empty? But they could have been because he knew it was what I wanted to hear (who doesn't want to hear I love you back from your SO after you said it first). I rememeber the first time I said it and he didn't say it back. I said it again and he said, "you know I love you, why do I have to say it to you anymore?"

 

I try not to think what he's up to. But you're right its hard. He's living with her... and we're all adults here so its not like we don't know what goes on in bed. Definitely struggling with not caring what they're doing, where they're going etc. Such a big part of our lives daily for years and then poof, they choose to share that with someone else. I think it will be awhile before I lose the 'I was replaced for someone better' feeling. I knew him for 10 years and dated for along time... but he moved in with his 2 week gf who he's going to marry. I will admit I spent days (and still every now and then) asking myself what she had that I didn't.

 

But it doesn't matter.

 

I've been to Europe twice! It was wonderful. Got lost on the way to Germany and ended up in Austria (oops) Also went to Paris, and lost my luggage in Madrid. I love to travel and am looking into backpacking across Europe at some point next year hopefully. My cousin lives in spain, so I'd probably start there. I think its neat you get to travel to different countries like we travel across states here... I'd be a little nervous to drive on the other side of the road if I ever visit London, although I will admit I've always wanted to try it (preferably at night when there are less pedestrians haha)

Edited August 17, 2011 by california15

[antinko]

DON'T ever drive in London. Only masochistic Brits or people who have to try it!

 

I drove through once and spent the hours of gridlock simply trying to avoid buses who seemed hell bent on taking out my wing mirrors! Wasn't fun!

 

If you go to London, you'll get everywhere far more quickly taking the tube. Just hook yourself up with an Oyster card before you arrive and you'll be sorted.

 

As for the first part of your post, yeh, being an adult with an imagination and knowing what your partner is like between the sheets is distinctly uncomfortable. It's not just that, though, and in fact that's a small part of it for me: it's the touch and closeness in general I find hardest to detach myself from. The times spent with her in my arms, holding her, looking into her eyes. I know, I'm being sentimental, but there was a connection at one point and now it's gone. I'm glad we had it for a while, though. 'It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all' as they say...

[antinko]

I didn't write much yesterday because I wasn't in much and I wanted to meditate on my situation a little bit more instead of writing a post which would have looked crazily too optimistic and blind to obvious facts.

 

I didn't plan to yesterday, but I had a day of total exercise. Running, gym, played basketball with mates and then ultimate frisbe with other friends. It was great fun.

 

I started off with my morning run where I ended up in my usual coffee house for fruit juice. Whilst there, drenched in sweat and not particularly looking my most 'sharp', a young lady started talking to me.

 

I was pretty dazed from the run so mostly nodded and smiled, but upon getting my wits about me once more, I engaged a bit more enthusiastically and realised she was drop dead gorgeous. I believe the colloquial term is 'she was at least an 8...or even a 9'. Turns out she loves to run and keep fit too and we started discussing a site we both used called 'Map My Run'. Anyway, I digress slightly.

 

We talked about many things and she suggested that we meet again, to which I agreed, and so we have a date set up.

 

I've never had a situation where I've had two dates with separate girls organised, but I'm not complaining. I'm just going to see what they both like and go from there. Again, I won't do anything underhanded and if the subject comes up about seeing anyone else, I'll be honest.

 

I didn't think about my ex much at all yesterday. I haven't thought about her much today either. Right now I feel quite 'over her', but I know that is a lie. I know I've had the benefit of a double confidence boost having interest from two girls and I haven't seen my ex in over a week.

 

I'm trying not to over think it, but I know I'm moving on and I admit that I do feel excited about seeing other people. even if it doesn't work with either of these two girls, I know that there are plenty of girls out there who are attracted to me and they all have different excellent qualities to offer. Furthermore, I don't feel like I need a girlfriend right now. I'm simply going to go out to enjoy myself.

 

Anyway, I'll probably update this journal at some point when I have a relapse and start missing my ex again - I'm not saying I will - but hopefully I won't.

 

I guess I should start reading the dating forum a bit.

 

I've just paused to read what I've written so far. I then went back and read the rest of my journal from beginning to end and I'm glad I did. I just read the first part of this post again.

 

Ok, I need to make sure I slow the hell down. It's a weird balancing act. On one hand, I know there is some hurt there still - of course there is. I was so hurt. But then, I've always bounced back so well throughout my life and I wonder if this is me bouncing back.

 

I sit here and wonder what I'd do if my ex did suddenly come back tomorrow and beg for me back. Do you want the honest answer? Honestly, I don't know what I'd say or do. I know it won't happen, but I should probably be careful because I know I would be lying if I said "No, I'd never take her back if that happened."

 

I think the best advice I can give to myself is to continue to self improve but don't ruin my progression by jumping into another relationship. I don't want to rebound, but neither do I want to pass up what might turn out to be the right girl for me. Mom, bless her, says "When you find her, you know and so will she" and I always used to find that a bit quaint, but maybe she's right. She has been happily married for years after all...

 

I'll see. I just have to tread carefully. I'll update on how the dates went when I've gone on them...

[sleepykitten]

Hey there Antinko, missing your updates, great youve had a good weekend and 2 dates lined up too. Looking forward to seeing how they went, your journal has been a real inpiration to me and i love that you are so reflective cool calm and collected.

[antinko]

Hey there Antinko, missing your updates, great youve had a good weekend and 2 dates lined up too. Looking forward to seeing how they went, your journal has been a real inpiration to me and i love that you are so reflective cool calm and collected.

 

Thanks sleepykitten. I took a short hiatus because I was in Scotland on a weekend break. I'll probably write a bit about the visit in my next post.

 

I've had a few days of reflection and I've got more to say but I'm just mulling it over in my head.

 

I'll be taking a few more days break from writing next week because I'll be somewhere in London. Doing a bit of a UK tour meeting friends.

[antinko]

Ok, so I spent the weekend in at a friend's house. I won't go into too much detail on this short break other than the couple I spent time with are wonderful people who are on the same wavelength as me. I really needed the break because it reminded me that I've starved myself of intellectual conversation for months now, possibly years, and my brain craves it, thrives on it even.

 

Secondly, but equally as importantly, this pair are a model couple. They're so in love and totally right for each other. Just the way they look at each other, talk to one another, trust each other etc. etc. It's beautiful. I also realise I never truly shared these things, not all of them anyway, with my ex for months. Some aspects, we never shared at all.

 

Along with the time for self reflection, this pair make me realise why I haven't found the right person, or type of person, for me yet. Seeing them together and reflecting on what I find interesting and what we shared together brings me to understand that I don't just need someone who is emotionally on the same level as me, or just shares the same interests, but also need to at the very least appreciate and like my little quirks, my philosophy and my humour. They need to challenge me and we need to be able to bounce ideas off each other.

 

I'll stop there. I know I'm making a list of qualities I'm looking for in my ideal partner. I don't expect nor want to find a female clone of myself, but I have a clearer idea now of what type of qualities are more compatible with me.

 

I went on the first date this evening by the way; I'll write about it tomorrow. Now I must sleep.

[antinko]

I was going to put this in the dating forum but I'm in a strange place of coping/moving on still so I'll keep this journal together. Folks don't need to read it if they don't wish to.

 

Ok, so the last few days have been great because I've been at least 300 miles from my ex and distance definitely gave a much needed reprieve from thinking about her. Admittedly, I did think about her a bit on the drive home, especially when I drove past various cities we'd visited and had great times in but, you know what? I didn't lament those times. I simply thought about them, felt a slight slight pang of melancholy...and then smiled. I smiled about the times we'd shared, the wonderful experiences, the peace, the brief period when our relationship did feel perfect.

 

But we weren't perfect and we didn't last; that's alright though. I wish her happiness. I felt so lost and angry, so jealous of the idea that another person would 'have' her, but all that was was the sensation of loss. In reality, I love her but I no longer crave being with her. I do not wish to be with her. She isn't the right person for me. No better, no worse: just different.

 

I've written similar thoughts before, but, with each passing day, the ideas become a little more concrete. I know in my heart that a chapter of my life is finished. A chapter of my life which was wonderful in many ways, painful in others, but ultimately a profound learning experience for me is over. And guess what? I'm so excited about the new chapter...

 

I feel like my confidence is the highest it's ever been. I feel no need to compare myself with anyone or anything. I satisfy my own needs and, where possible, I cater for the needs of others.

 

I'm learning to trust my gut instincts more and more each day - they're good ones - and I'm learning how to avoid awkward situations better. You can too. Honestly, if you're willing and take the time, and are willing to go through the motions, you will achieve the happiness you deserve.

 

I'm not saying that I'm completely happy. Neither am I saying that I am perfect or 'have it all figured out'. No, not at all, but I'm seeing improvements each day. I see progress and, when I feel sad or feel like 'I'm regressing', I know that I am not.

 

People don't regress or 'go backwards' with their personal development. It's all a choice. Once you know a better condition, a better state of mind, a way of being which you know is more comfortable, you will find the way back to feeling that way if you reflect, if you act and if you desire it.

 

Obviously, if it was easy, we'd all be dancing around ****ing ecstatic all the time, but then again, one also has to realise that, without sadness and 'bad things' in life, then there could be no happiness. It's about perspective. How can we know what happiness is without comparing it to negative experiences?

 

It's about balance. And I guess I've learned to embrace the grief I've experienced as something good, something which now enables me to feel great about the good aspects of my life.

 

I fully expect to feel sadness when I next see my ex and if she's with someone else. I won't kid myself. But I know that if what I've written here is true, and it is, then I won't be terribly affected by the experience. I genuinely wish her well in the future.

 

 

I went on a date last night. As previously discussed, I had two planned. Before I continue with a tour of the first date, I'll just mention that I am waiting for the other girl to get back to me, that is, the one I met in the cafe after my run. I am hoping she does get back in touch with me, and she said she would, but hasn't yet. I'm not clinging onto my phone checking it every five minutes, though. If she makes the date, cool, and if not, she's simply incompatible which is fine.

 

So, I just gave the game away: my first date won't be leading to a second date.

 

The girl I met was the one I spoke to on the adventure day and I had a bad feeling about the whole rendezvous from the offset. I tried my best, though, to be comfortable.

 

Don't get me wrong, I was totally relaxed, but part of me, as you'll see in previous entries, was having doubts. These doubts appear to be well founded.

 

She turned up quarter of an hour late, which I can forgive, but she told me straight away that she had to phone her mother to tell her she was safe. I was understanding, but part of me did think "Seriously? This is the greeting I get?"

 

It's not the fact that she had to let her mom know she was ok which annoyed me, but I did feel that, had roles been reversed and I had an overly concerned parent, then I would have let them know before I got out my car and met my date. Just for the record, my mother knows to stay well out of my private affairs!

 

Anyway, I bought her a drink and we sat down.

 

I've never met such a nervous girl before. I actually felt bad, really bad because I'm not that scary...I think. She avoided eye contact and was really guarded.

 

I'd just driven back from my weekend break and I was aware that I was rather sunburned. In previous years, this would have made me nervous in front of girls, but with my new attitude, I tried to break the ice with it.

 

I told her about my trip and said I got sunburned, but didn't realise until I arrived home. She laughed a bit, but didn't really lighten up much. I looked quite funny to be honest: my face was bright red, really red. It's turning brown now and not peeling or anything gross like that, but it did look funny at the time.

 

I'm trying to think of what else to say. I just felt very awkward. There were lots of silences and she rarely made eye contact. I need eye contact. Well, I don't need it per se, but it tells me a lot about a person and it adds to the intimacy - two people who are attracted to each other should be able to look each other in the eyes.

 

Anyway, I didn't pressure her. I made conversation and tried to give her as many opportunities to speak as possible, never drawing attention to the fact that she was quite clearly terrified.

 

I didn't need to draw attention to anything because she did. She was surprisingly open about it actually and it struck me as odd because she was so forthright with admitting the nervousness she felt, yet still was quite clearly just as nervous when she finished talking. In my experience, talking about being nervous usually alleviates the feeling somewhat, but people are different.

 

I sat through the date feeling as though there was something major on the girl's mind which she wasn't even addressing herself and, well, it was just awful.

 

I knew this girl wasn't right for me but I wanted to give it a chance. I tried every technique I knew in order to help her relax and I tried to see if we had anything in common, but we don't. We're truly incompatible.

 

Unfortunately, it seems that she really likes me. While she sat there in a state of petrification, she subtly made me aware that she liked my confidence and conversation. Really liked it.

 

Her mother kept texting her throughout the date and the girl always responded. At one point, when it was clear she was annoyed by this harassment, I asked her if she'd tried simply ignoring the texts, to which she replied "yes, but she phones me", so I suggested she turned her phone off.

 

I'm a patient man, but I felt truly put off by this point because I was faced with an attractive girl who seemed perfectly nice, but she seemed to have zero self esteem. I didn't particularly enjoy the idea of an overly protective parent either - I face enough of those at work.

 

I felt bad because I knew what it was like to be lacking in confidence. I knew she didn't want to blow her chances with me. I was understanding about that. I know it sounds a bit too self assured, but the fact was, later on, she kept asking if things were going alright and she hoped she didn't want to put me off.

 

She managed five minutes of conversation at one point before checking up again and...

 

It made me wonder if this is how my ex had felt when I tried fighting for our relationship. In fact, I knew this is how she must have felt like.

 

I wanted to give this girl a chance. I did like her and I wanted to see if she'd relax. We were together for about four and a half hours and in the last hour she lightened up slightly.

 

I won't go into specifics, but she let me know she'd been badly hurt and went into a lot of detail about her previous relationship. I didn't tell her, but I came to the conclusion that she is still very much grieving and I feel that, if we dated and maybe formed a relationship, then she'd expect me to make her happy. We all know what the truth is when it comes to finding happiness...

 

It's strange because physically, I am attracted to her. She's also a a nice person. She has good morals, has a bit of ambition and she did reveal that she does have a good sense of humour, but overall, I'm not attracted to her.

 

We parted ways with no talk of another date, but she followed up with a string of text messages which were very needy and I stopped responding after the fourth one.

 

I'm trying to think of something decent to let her know I'm not interested without giving her cliches. I really want her to feel better about herself and gain more confidence, but what do I do? I feel a bit patronizing telling her she needs to work on her self esteem and confidence issues. I know that if I did say that, it'd just make her feel worse.

 

I can understand why people often lead others on. It's very uncomfortable to be wanted but not to want another person. You almost feel obliged to fulfill them in some way. But I can't.

 

I think I'm just going to have to tell her that I don't think we're right for each other. I think it's as simple as that.

 

Going back to the other girl, given the amount of time she's taken to respond to me, I don't think it's likely that I'll hear back from her. Oh well.

 

I'm happy being me right now. Yes, I'd love someone else to spend some time with. I do love interacting with others especially romantically. Also, yes, I'm a man and I like sex. Sex is great, but I don't need it right now. There's a big difference between needing and wanting things. I need oxygen, food, water and literature. I want a relationship, but I only want it when it feels right. Otherwise, it's just too much hard work and I am only going to work at a relationship when it's established and I feel comfortable with my partner. There shouldn't be any red flags in the beginning.

 

So to conclude, I'm choosing not to continue with the one girl, and the other has probably chosen not to continue with me. I may be wrong about the second girl, but should my suspicions be correct, then all it does is help put everything in perspective for me. Compatibility is key and there's no point chasing that which won't work.

 

We should focus on being ourselves and we'll meet the right people when we're ready.

Edited August 23, 2011 by antinko

[antinko]

It's really weird, but the moment I write something indicating that I'm somewhat over my ex, a few hours later, I feel a bit sad.

 

I was driving through town earlier and passed the same car as hers. It's a common car with default colour and trim, but the registration plate was different. I surprised myself in hindsight by glancing at the driver, wondering if it was her although I knew it wasn't.

 

I'm glad I said in my last post that I knew I'd be hit with pangs of sadness because at least I'm being honest with myself. I still stand by what I said about wanting to move on and wishing her the best, but I know my emotions are still...well, happening.

 

I'm not thinking about her as much at least. I've taken her off that pedestal too and have put myself on there instead. Still, personal development and living one's life doesn't make feelings change over night.

 

In other news, the girl I met yesterday contacted me again and I responded saying that I wasn't interested in pursuing a relationship with her.

 

Understandably, she wanted a reason and asked me. I had been trying to think of a reason, but in the end I was just honest. It felt ****ty but what else could I say? I just said that I found the date somewhat awkward and that I couldn't be who she wanted because I need to focus on myself.

 

I may have taken it too far. I suggested that she focused on herself too because she wouldn't let up and I've blocked her on FB and my phone.

 

I hope she finds happiness within herself.

 

I still haven't heard back from the other girl and I admit that I do care about that, but as I said, I'm not going to chase her. I'm not going to chase anyone.

 

In fact, I realised earlier that I feel a bit awkward. I mean, I clearly haven't quite gotten over my ex yet but I've had two dating opportunities in the past fortnight. I know I'm at a stage where I can move on, but there are still some residual feelings there. I think that, basically, the rational part of my brain has just taken over and accepted the loss and the fact that those feelings exist and I do have space in my heart for someone else should they meet me.

 

Despite the awkwardness of the situation with that girl I dated yesterday, I'm not going to lose sleep over it. I mean, there's a point where you've just got to disengage and think about yourself.

 

And that, to me, is progress. The couple of girls I dated shortly after being dumped, well a month afterwards, felt wrong because I really wanted my ex back. One girl was a part time model and in any other setting I would have been very attracted to her, but I just wasn't. Miss Ex was still on my mind and I was really missing her.

 

But with the most recent date, I had what I would have considered a good opportunity in the past, but chose not to pursue it. This girl wants 'saving' and, although I wouldn't call myself codependent, I did do a lot of work for my last girlfriend believing that I could 'save' her and us. In this situation, it just turned me off altogether, so at least I'm not 'settling' and now I know exactly what not to do on my part if I really like someone. Empathy is a powerful tool.

 

It can feel like somewhat of a grim reality, but the fact is that no relationship is better than settling for less than you truly desire in somebody else.

 

I know I am writing a lot of information which is repeated all over the internet and in literature when it comes to relationship advice, but I'm writing it down as I learn and understand it, and repeat it as I appreciate it and adopt it as my own thinking.

 

Current mood: contemplative

Edited August 23, 2011 by antinko