Antinko's Coping Journal

[lymtal1]

antinko,

 

thanks for your update, i was wondering how your dates were going to progress. sounds like you are doing a great job in assessing the situation and realizing what you do and don't want. that can be tough given what you had gone through.

 

i am two months out and three weeks n/c and one of my biggest issues is how i feel when around women in any situation. my mind seems to always go to so which one of them will make me forget the ex girl. then i realize that i am in no way close to asking that question and feel like it may never happen.

 

i still have her on the pedestal and having a hard time getting her off. you know it is those little breadcrumbs of hope she tossed at me a month ago that keeps me hanging on. how long did you let them stay in your head if you did?

 

i hear ya when you were talking about how strong you were and moving on is going better but then you are taken back to her and your guard goes down. i talk a very good game to everyone around me because i don't want to run them off as they are my support system but i have way to many ups and downs. my rational mind knows that she was wrong for me but my heart won't let go.

 

do you feel like this is something that comes in time or what might have gotten you to a better point with your head and your heart. have always been a strong person but she has brought me to my knees and i am just so tired of not sleeping and thinking of her 24/7.

 

one of my issues is our break-up was it was just so da** amicable. she did it in a way that i would have expected of her. i have nothing to hate her for or be angry about. that is one of the issues i have in trying to get over this. anyone out there have the same situation and if so how did you deal with the person who just broke your heart but in a way that you still respect and love her for what she did.

 

ant, i still get up in the am looking forward to reading your journal and how you are dealing with your situation. i think the way you are doing so is very strong and a great help for us who are moving through this at a different stage.

[antinko]

antinko,

 

thanks for your update, i was wondering how your dates were going to progress. sounds like you are doing a great job in assessing the situation and realizing what you do and don't want. that can be tough given what you had gone through.

 

i am two months out and three weeks n/c and one of my biggest issues is how i feel when around women in any situation. my mind seems to always go to so which one of them will make me forget the ex girl. then i realize that i am in no way close to asking that question and feel like it may never happen.

 

i still have her on the pedestal and having a hard time getting her off. you know it is those little breadcrumbs of hope she tossed at me a month ago that keeps me hanging on. how long did you let them stay in your head if you did?

 

i hear ya when you were talking about how strong you were and moving on is going better but then you are taken back to her and your guard goes down. i talk a very good game to everyone around me because i don't want to run them off as they are my support system but i have way to many ups and downs. my rational mind knows that she was wrong for me but my heart won't let go.

 

do you feel like this is something that comes in time or what might have gotten you to a better point with your head and your heart. have always been a strong person but she has brought me to my knees and i am just so tired of not sleeping and thinking of her 24/7.

 

one of my issues is our break-up was it was just so da** amicable. she did it in a way that i would have expected of her. i have nothing to hate her for or be angry about. that is one of the issues i have in trying to get over this. anyone out there have the same situation and if so how did you deal with the person who just broke your heart but in a way that you still respect and love her for what she did.

 

ant, i still get up in the am looking forward to reading your journal and how you are dealing with your situation. i think the way you are doing so is very strong and a great help for us who are moving through this at a different stage.

 

Thanks, I think I'm handling it fairly well. I feel guilty about the girl I met yesterday but I know I did the right thing and I didn't string her along - it's not in my nature plus I know how ****ty it is when a person does that.

 

The girl who said would get in touch with me, but as of a few hours ago hadn't...did get in touch with me. It appears she really likes me and, honestly, I'm more than a little bit excited.

 

We spoke on the phone for about an hour and a half and basically took the mickey out of each other. Lots of good banter.

 

She said she'll let me know when we can meet because she has a busy schedule and wants to have a good time with me and I respected the fact that she brought up the date before me so I look forward to hearing from her. She seems quite well settled and I got no sense that she had any baggage. I'll see what happens there.

 

I did have my ex on a pedestal and I tried a lot of ways during the worst parts of my grieving in order to get her off it. I tried berating her in my mind, thinking about all her bad points, telling myself that I was 'better' - all sorts. The problem was, though, that I'm a person who finds it hard to hold grudges or feel genuine negativity towards people for very long so all that negativity just didn't sit well with me; it might for some people, but just wasn't my thing.

 

Instead, and with some Love Shack assistance, I learned that I had to forgive my ex, but I also discovered that I couldn't just say "Ok, I forgive you." Forgiveness took time.

 

I read a lot about this forgiveness in the various 'how to get past your break up' literature I read, and eventually discovered that I'd got the concept wrong: forgiveness wasn't for her, but rather, I had to forgive her for me otherwise I'd never be at peace.

 

I had to reflect on the relationship and be realistic; this was extremely difficult and upsetting. I had blamed myself a lot for the downfall of the relationship, but then again, during my anger phases, knew she'd done a lot too. I'd spent so long trying to work out 'whose fault' it was that I simply came to the conclusion that it was nobody's. As you'll see in my journal, I realized that we were simply incompatible and understanding this helped remove her from that pedestal and let me off the hook too - it helped me forgive her and myself for what was basically an inevitability.

 

In regard to trying to forget your ex altogether, my suggestion would be to try not to actively forgetting her. You won't forget her, but you will naturally think less of her over time and that will happen if you put yourself first and continue to self develop. It's tough and, honestly, I didn't want to forget my ex when I committed to 'me', but it's worth it. Honestly, even if that girl I'm going on a date with and I don't turn into anything, I know at least there are others just as, if not more appealing to me, than my ex and I know that moving on is possible. I always hated that saying "Well, there are plenty more fish in the sea", but it's true and I see it now. So take heart; you'll find the right girl.

 

Don't berate yourself. There's no such thing as 'too many' ups and downs. Your mind will have as many as it needs to have. The best advice I read was to accept that you're grieving and try to allow the feelings to 'wash' over you because you know that they'll pass. They come and go in waves. I found that when I started doing this, the dread and anguish feelings became more manageable with each passing wave to the point where I'd anticipate them and be able to deal with them much better. They passed quicker then too. So yes, it's about allowing time to heal the wounds, but also accepting the grief and holding onto the positives you experience as time goes on.

 

Like I said in a few journal entries, I know I'm not completely over my ex and I did make the mistake at one point of claiming to be fine...but that just means it stings more when something happens to bring back the painful memories. Expect to feel some hurt and be ready for it.

 

As for having an amicable break up, good, because it means you should be able to find that forgiveness and accept the incompatibility a bit more readily, maybe. You will possibly feel some resentment due to the rejection, but if you read what I posted above, I think you'll be able to remove your ex from her pedestal, avoid or work through any potential anger and forgive her which will ultimately lead to acceptance and moving on.

 

Thanks again for the compliment. I am glad people find this journal useful and I will continue to post in it; I still find it useful myself.

 

Take care.

 

P.S

 

My date with this girl I met in the cafe will be next week so I'll probably keep thoughts on that fairly quiet for the time being. I'll have other things to write, though.

[sleepykitten]

Antinko-you are my favourite part of the day! Was very excted and happy for you when I read your 2nd date did call.

I am meeting my ex tonight so the part in your latest post on forgiveness really resonates. We broke up end of May, saw each other 4 times in June, then I recently (3 weeks) ago found out from the time we broke up throughout June and now he is in a relationship with someone else. Now although I have seen this girls fb wall and know all the dates they did see each other, weekends together etc he still continues to deny that he was sleeping with her and me. I have come to the conclusion that he will not admitt it and i dont really need him to now as it makes no difference to the outcome of our situation and just makes it even more clear that we werent right for one another. The only thing that hurts is thinking of how broken and sad I was in June and all the while he was with someone else. He claims he realises he has issues with needing to be with someone as he cant be on his own at all. I am meeting him tonight really for some closure and perhaps as a test for myself as I feel so much stronger and more together than I have ever felt before. Going through all that pain arejection, abandonment issues etc and doing it without numbing out feelings with sex and alochol or rebound relationships was incredibly hard but I finally feel I have achieved something I thought was impossible, peace of mind and no fear of being on my own. Like you, feelings of bitterness and negativity dont sit well with me and while my friends all say he is a liar and a @@@@ and never speak to him again, that all just leaves me feeling tense and although its unfinished. For me to move on I have to forgive him, not to make him feel better-and i know he isnt over me and is worried about how he'll feel when he sees me as he told me so, so this is a bonus as I'd be lying if i said that wasnt a good thing to hear!

Take care you, look forward to your next instalment-you are my prozac x

[antinko]

Antinko-you are my favourite part of the day! Was very excted and happy for you when I read your 2nd date did call.

I am meeting my ex tonight so the part in your latest post on forgiveness really resonates. We broke up end of May, saw each other 4 times in June, then I recently (3 weeks) ago found out from the time we broke up throughout June and now he is in a relationship with someone else. Now although I have seen this girls fb wall and know all the dates they did see each other, weekends together etc he still continues to deny that he was sleeping with her and me. I have come to the conclusion that he will not admitt it and i dont really need him to now as it makes no difference to the outcome of our situation and just makes it even more clear that we werent right for one another. The only thing that hurts is thinking of how broken and sad I was in June and all the while he was with someone else. He claims he realises he has issues with needing to be with someone as he cant be on his own at all. I am meeting him tonight really for some closure and perhaps as a test for myself as I feel so much stronger and more together than I have ever felt before. Going through all that pain arejection, abandonment issues etc and doing it without numbing out feelings with sex and alochol or rebound relationships was incredibly hard but I finally feel I have achieved something I thought was impossible, peace of mind and no fear of being on my own. Like you, feelings of bitterness and negativity dont sit well with me and while my friends all say he is a liar and a @@@@ and never speak to him again, that all just leaves me feeling tense and although its unfinished. For me to move on I have to forgive him, not to make him feel better-and i know he isnt over me and is worried about how he'll feel when he sees me as he told me so, so this is a bonus as I'd be lying if i said that wasnt a good thing to hear!

Take care you, look forward to your next instalment-you are my prozac x

 

Thanks kitten. I'm glad you still find my ramblings useful.

 

Also, good luck with your meeting later. I'm sure you'll be fine.

[antinko]

Actually, rethought this post. I'll add to it later.

Edited August 24, 2011 by antinko

[sleepykitten]

Actually, rethought this post. I'll add to it later.

 

You tease you!

[antinko]

You tease you!

 

I try.

 

Naw, I was just a bit militant in my opinions so decide to reflect a bit more. I'll post it after dinner probably.

[antinko]

Ok, so today I didn't really think much about my ex at all because this date is on my mind. I'm trying not to build up my hopes too much and I'm acting cool as a freakin' cucumber with this girl, but she's certainly into me. It feels good. Really, really good.

 

She phoned me earlier and we talked for quite a while again. Now, this is awesome and I'm glad she's so enthusiastic, but I am trying to keep it fresh. My only concern is that, when it comes to our actual date, we might run out of things to say, but I don't think we will.

 

I'm also trying not to think about it too much. I know she's looking forward to it a lot and obviously I am too, but I really don't want to get my hopes up too high. I owe it to myself to tread carefully because I don't want to get hurt nor have her get hurt. As much as things look great right now, and I'm enjoying the ride, relaxing too much is the quickest and easiest way of dropping the ball and blindsiding yourself. Discipline on my part is crucial...but I also need to be relaxed so that nothing is forced.

 

Ultimately, if this date doesn't work out, or even if we don't work out after a few dates, it's not the end of the world and it will be a learning experience I enjoyed while it lasted. Every piece of advice tells me to take things slowly, remain in control but enjoy myself. While I date this girl, I'm going to have to be honest and consider whether she's really compatible with me. I can't let myself get too involved if I see too many red flags. I don't think I will, though. Just staying frosty.

 

I know for sure, though, that she's a far better match than the girl I dated the other day. This girl clicks with me on an intellectual level, if funny, confident and seems quite secure. She seems happy and she is upfront.

 

So yeh, positive but I think the best thing I can do is to focus on me. I'm encouraged because nothing feels forced with this.

[LelouchIsZero]

Congrats, can't wait till i'm in the position that you're in .

 

Do you feel that doing this log has been helpful? as i'm considering doing something like it.

 

I hope all goes well for you in your date .

[antinko]

Congrats, can't wait till i'm in the position that you're in .

 

Do you feel that doing this log has been helpful? as i'm considering doing something like it.

 

I hope all goes well for you in your date .

 

Heya, you'll get to this place soon enough. Honestly, I know I look very confident and happy right now but I'm under no illusions that there is a 'quick fix'. I am, however, a person who bounces back well and is good at exercising tough love with myself.

 

The log has and is very helpful to me. I'm used to maintaining various forms of journals/logs/tracking data for various aspects of my life and this enables me to reflect more clearly and challenge any recurring negative thoughts by comparing them against my more positive ones. This is why I rarely go back and edit what I write, and comment upon the fact during the same post. I feel that an effective journal is an honest one.

 

I totally recommend creating a log/journal if you think it'll help you. Also, comments from others can be very useful.

 

Also, thanks for the good wishes. The girl just texted me again. We've agreed to meet later next week due to our schedules.

 

I'm also taking the relaxed nature of our digital communications as a good sign; it's certainly quid pro quo and don't feel pressured into responded right away. The last girl I went on a date with constantly spammed me and my ex used to send dozens of messages at a time too (part of the reason I was somewhat stumped when she called me needy post break up!). Don't worry, I don't put too much thought into communication, but I think it's one way of indicating how comfortable a person is.

 

I might write a post later. Right now I'm in a strange place: I feel 'normal' (but with added bonus features) for the first time in, well, since before I got with my ex. May it last.

[antinko]

Ok, so the new lady and I spoke on the phone for about two hours last night. We didn't get bored either. These might be famous last words, but it feels like we can't run out of things to talk about. And you know what? We've hardly discussed jobs, past relationships or other 'life issues'.

 

We've talked a lot of tangential nonsense. It's ace. Really refreshing and the best thing about it is that we've mercilessly taken the piss out of each other and it's good natured. Even if this communication and date doesn't develop further, I can quite honestly say that I've never clicked with anyone quite like this on a conversational level before. And, frankly, that's what I need right now: good conversation and humour.

 

I'm quite eccentric and I don't say that lightly, not in the way that people who wish to be perceived in a certain way might claim anyway. I am eccentric and it's a natural part of my character.

 

It's good eccentric, not weird eccentric, but you know what? My ex made me feel like a bit of a freak due to it. I don't feel terrible towards her (I did once upon a time post-break up), but she just didn't get it, didn't find it amusing nor endearing. In short: it wound her up and she even commented that she believed I might be autistic at one point... Don't get me wrong, autism is fine and I have autistic friends, but the offensive aspect is the fact that she had the audacity to put a label on me and it was her tone of voice and the way she looked at me at the time. It was clear that she felt there was something 'wrong' with me.

 

I felt repressed. Truthfully, I suppressed the behaviour because I felt uncomfortable exhibiting it in front of her. To an extent, and without wanting to sound too lame, I felt like it was 'wrong' or 'defective' to a certain extent. At the very least, I became somewhat self conscious about it. It killed me slightly inside.

 

Now I realise that this should have been a major red flag. My ex 'loved' me for various natural qualities I possess but not all of them. She wanted a modified me. Ultimately, she wanted a 'non-me'. I should have walked because I know she wouldn't have accepted me in the long run.

 

With our break up approaching the three month mark (I know, not a huge amount of time), I embrace the fact that I shouldn't change for anyone. I won't change for anyone. I cannot change for anyone, not in personality anyway.

 

In reality, I made fair changes to my behaviour during my last relationship, changes which you'd expect to see when two people are practically living together. Fundamental character changes though? Character changes which, actually, are totally fine? No. Not happening.

 

I am confident and proud of my slight eccentricity and other idiosyncrasies. These qualities make me different, interesting and worth knowing. If a person doesn't want to know those features, then I don't need to know them. These qualities have gained me more than enough friends, loyal allies and the respect of my colleagues and students.

 

Because they're real. I know when I'm being true to myself because something glows inside. No, nothing 'better' or 'special', not anything which is unreachable by anyone else, but I know I'm being me and not feeling like I must curb my personality.

 

People, don't suppress who you are, at least not the harmless unique characteristics anyway. Obviously, if you feel that it's totally 'you' to go on a rampage, you might require therapy, but in all seriousness, you shouldn't feel embarrassed or ashamed about your personality.

 

I'm excited about my new date because I've been totally 'me' so far and I think she likes it. I'm fairly confident that she is being 'her' too so we'll see what happens. As I said, though, if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. I know someone out there is compatible with me and will love me for all my quirks. Until then, though, I'm comfortable being me, myself and I.

[sleepykitten]

That is so refreshing to hear and i applaud you for it, i totally agree you should never have to change your personality and your quirks, its what makes you you! I always thought that as i am very open and honest and quite self aware I needed to change as my ex said it was like having a mirror put up to him in terms of his insecurities and issues, and he is the sort of person who shuts down when faced with an amotion crisis whereby I fight and want and need answers and reasons and like to know the whys and what makes someone tick. I tried to change but i couldnt and i am glad i didnt.

Cant wait to hear about your date, eagerly as ever looking forward to your nxt instalemant. I dod think you should consider publishing your logg or an extended version of it one day as i remember you saying you have tried writing before. I think it would be very well recieved, and apart from the hundreds of break up books and how to books, I have not ever seen a coping log/journal, and you write incredibly well. I'd buy it!

[antinko]

That is so refreshing to hear and i applaud you for it, i totally agree you should never have to change your personality and your quirks, its what makes you you! I always thought that as i am very open and honest and quite self aware I needed to change as my ex said it was like having a mirror put up to him in terms of his insecurities and issues, and he is the sort of person who shuts down when faced with an amotion crisis whereby I fight and want and need answers and reasons and like to know the whys and what makes someone tick. I tried to change but i couldnt and i am glad i didnt.

Cant wait to hear about your date, eagerly as ever looking forward to your nxt instalemant. I dod think you should consider publishing your logg or an extended version of it one day as i remember you saying you have tried writing before. I think it would be very well recieved, and apart from the hundreds of break up books and how to books, I have not ever seen a coping log/journal, and you write incredibly well. I'd buy it!

 

Thanks again for the good vibe. Erm, I'd love to get published but it's really hard in the current climate. I will think about it. I actually have a load of stuff about my life and experiences of being a young adult male in England but it's very personal. I'd have to make up a psuedonym lol.

[antinko]

Ok, so today I've felt a bit crap but I knew it'd probably happen so I had my flak jacket of positive thoughts and strength ready.

 

Had a slight hiccup because the new girl and I have to rearrange our date due to something neither of us could do anything about, but oh well. It was clear we were both disappointed and she's the one who suggested it, but hopefully we'll get there. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be (repeat one hundred times...).

 

We're both excited about dating each other but I felt bummed for much of the day because the date is now ten days away and I couldn't shake the slight paranoia that we might have to reschedule and then...

 

How much time is it going to take before we get bored talking on the phone and texting? Also, when will we get tired of waiting?

 

Don't get me wrong, neither of us are stalling. I won't go into details but the delay wasn't due to either of us fobbing off the other person. It's just unfortunate timing.

 

Anyway, I experienced some doubts today, irrational doubts and I felt slightly down because I knew that the inevitable moment of experiencing insecurities after being so confident had reared its ugly head.

 

I was prepared, though. I've been anticipating a slight knock to my confidence and took steps...

 

I am sad that we have to wait longer obviously. My fear is that it won't happen for some reason. I know that I am exercising patience having to wait so I guess she is too. I just tell myself, though, that if it's worth it, we'll hang on and it'll be fine. No worries.

 

The other issue is that it brought back those pangs of loneliness. Oh yeh, I know I'm fine on my own and I'm happy being me. Totally, never felt better being me, never felt so secure and never been so self assured.

 

But I'm lonely. Ok, I admit it, I'm lonely and I want some female companionship. No, I'm not (very) desperate.

 

Disclaimer: I'm taking the piss out of myself slightly.

 

Anyway, feelings from my break up manifested themselves as fears of potentially renewed rejection, abandonment and, yes, the loneliness.

 

It's weird. One part of my mind experienced the feelings while another part of my mind analysed and gently mocked me. An entirely different part of my mind, the rational stronger part, commenced what I refer to as 'Operation Flak Jacket', or, self protection and reassurance.

 

I need to slow down. I need to reclaim my cool and not fall into the trap of taking things for granted - I know I've said this before about this girl. Unfortunately, I know I've taken some comfort in our communications and have obviously reveled in the affection.

 

So I'm backing off a little bit for my own sake. Yep, it's hard. I don't want to put her off...but I don't want to maintain this high level of communication we're sharing without seeing her.

 

We happen to live about an hour drive away from each other. Not long distance, but not 'down the road' either.

 

I need to relax and ensure I'm the me I was when I met her. I don't want to raise my hopes and I don't want anything to be boring especially before the first proper date!

 

Quid pro quo is working well at least. I'm also keeping text messages and phone calls witty and challenging in terms of banter. Absolutely nothing sentimental or lovey.

 

I think she likes me a lot, though. In fact, I think I know it. I'm just not used to this kind of attraction.

 

I don't wish to sound arrogant and I'd never flaunt or boast about it 'in real life', but I'm far more attractive to women lately. Or maybe I'm just noticing the signals more? I don't know. I know I'm a million times more confident and genuinely so. I also know I've been looking after myself so much better both physically and mentally.

 

It's still new, though, and I won't pretend to be an expert. It's weird actually. From one perspective it's this new experience and it's a bit scary, but then it's also something I'm not faking. I'm truly being 'me'. There's nothing false about what I'm doing, how I'm acting or how I look...it's the definite article.

 

As I indicated in my last post, I'm proud to be me now. I also accept that I will attract certain women and probably be positively abhorrent to others! But I don't care.

 

I'll succeed; I know I shall. But there are underlying insecurities and they require a certain maintenance and managing. Self awareness is key.

 

Anyway, I'm going back to trying not to expect anything from this endeavor. My hopes were raised a lot when we sorted out the original date arrangements, but I have to play it cooler still.

 

We'll see what happens.

[antinko]

I want to write this journal entry but I have nothing specific to write about. Well, I do, but I keep changing my mind about my opinions too quickly for me to write them down and have them stick.

 

I'll be ok but I'm currently feeling really frustrated. I'm having some doubts about certain things and I'm exercising rational thought but the doubts remain still. It's so annoying.

 

I have nothing very inspirational to say today. Don't get me wrong, I'm not in a totally lost state, but something is weighing down on me. It's nothing to do with anyone but myself.

 

I have a bad feeling that I've set my hopes too high on my date, despite telling myself not to have any expectations, and I'm worried it's not going to work. Nothing specifically indicating that it won't, but, I don't know...just feeling a bit ow right now.

 

But I'm just writing this here instead of letting it translate into my communications with this girl.

 

I am mostly annoyed with myself because this insecurity has risen to the surface and I am surprised by it. I thought I was better defended than anticipated; however, I'm dealing with it.

 

I think all it is, is that I know I like her a lot, and just don't want to screw up or be rejected. I know if I continue to be the guy I am when most confident and take things slow, it'll be fine, or even if I do that and it doesn't work out for whatever reason, it'll be ok. I'm just having a moment I think...

 

Anyway, the positive thing is that I was kind of rolling my eyes at myself as I wrote this and found it mildly amusing because I read what I had to say and thought about the advice I'd have given to someone else if they came to me with the same feelings.

 

I'll follow that advice:

 

- Continue to develop me

- Enjoy myself

- Don't think about the future, just the present

- Slow down a bit

- Let the negative feelings run their but don't let them affect my actions negatively

 

Hmm. Ok, feeling slightly better now but I know I'm not as fixed as I thought I was.

Edited August 28, 2011 by antinko

[antinko]

Ok, went out last night and bumped into ex's friends. They didn't see me and I decided to leave. I had been planning on sleeping in the near future anyway so it didn't look odd to my friends.

 

Yep, I wanted to avoid my ex. I would have been able to handle it if I had seen her, but I just didn't want to see her. No contact is bliss, but I also know I'm fearful of having it broken. Hmm.

 

So yeh, I'm not over her am I? I know I'm a lot better because the feelings of loss, rejection and yearning returned but they were far weaker, far weaker.

 

I know I would have suffered more if I'd actually seen her, but I remained in control and did what I had to do.

 

It's weird because, as much as I forgive her, I don't like her as a person. I really don't. Yet, I know I'm not over her. So I'm in this weird 'love/hate' zone with her and, as I indicated, the best place to be with her is no contact. Absolutely none. She doesn't exist.

 

But am I actually confronting my grief this way? Does no contact allow me to heal or is it just a bandage?

 

Honestly? Honestly, as much as I really want to date this new girl, I know I'm mostly anxious to be with someone else and soon. I know I don't need to be with someone else, but my gut instincts desire it.

 

It's the makings of a rebound and I dislike it. I want to move on being the confident guy I know lives within me, but I don't want to lie to myself and simply suppress the grief I know I feel still.

 

I need to work on myself still or simply just tell myself "Ok, enough now. You're over it...even if you're not." It's a tough call.

 

Or maybe I need to just do what I've been doing and acknowledge that I have to move on with life, and do so, but realise that I hurt still. I think this outlook is healthier. I'm not much of an 'all or nothing' type of guy.

 

Ok, reading what I've just written, I know I've been doing the right thing. I know I need to move on, but yeh I have some residual grief. These feelings won't get in the way, though. Just have to remain true to myself.

 

I've been looking forward and making forward steps and they've been good so far... No one ever said that learning experiences were easy, though.

[lymtal1]

ant,

 

i am having the same reaction to life as i am living it now with the person that i used to have a relationship with. there are times when i feel great and there are times i feel awful.

 

i also am having trouble with this n/c thing as i am more of a gray type guy with this than black and white. i know what i am doing is right for me as you suggest. however i still have that devil on my left shoulder telling me otherwise. i know i am way far from being over her.

 

i am in a similar situation as i have to go back to the same town that we ran in for three years and spend about five days there for business. i am not sure how you are doing it, being in the same places you had hung out together. i worry about the friends thing and running into them. i will take your lead and bow out if required but i think i would rather just stay away from those grounds altogether.

 

i feel like i am in this limbo-land, wanting to move on, afraid to do so in as much admitting that this is really over. i know i have to admit and move but my heart is hanging on and i can't shake it.

 

dating for me is out of the question but know that i like you like being with someone. i am not sure i know how to be alone yet. i know i must learn how to do this or i will run into getting into the same relationship i have been in my whole life. i know that those have clearly been wrong. they were all either emotionally unavailable, fundementally incompatible, or just not able to make a committment.

 

i know that i am a one girl guy at this time, always have been. but intellectually i know that this hurts me in being able to find the right person. i tend to fall for the first thing that i THINK i like. how do you get there? i know one step at a time.

 

i know that the last one was just an illusion of what i really want and i am still in denial about her. i just don't know how to get past her. and i know that i am doing all the right things. it amazes me how i can be so with it in everything else in my life and a complete basketcase when it comes to dealing with this and her?????????

[antinko]

ant,

 

i am having the same reaction to life as i am living it now with the person that i used to have a relationship with. there are times when i feel great and there are times i feel awful.

 

Emotions are wonderful like that. I was thinking about the term 'emotional roller coaster' and considered drawing a roller coaster diagram to represent my emotional journey. Heh. It'd probably be a really boring ride, though, after the last few days' emotions.

 

i also am having trouble with this n/c thing as i am more of a gray type guy with this than black and white. i know what i am doing is right for me as you suggest. however i still have that devil on my left shoulder telling me otherwise. i know i am way far from being over her.

 

Yeh, I unleashed serious proverbial GBH on my devil and he's currently crying on the floor with his tail between his legs. I sometimes have this unnerving feeling that he's going to come back with a vengeance, though... I'm not contacting her. No way, nuh-huh, not ever.

 

i am in a similar situation as i have to go back to the same town that we ran in for three years and spend about five days there for business. i am not sure how you are doing it, being in the same places you had hung out together. i worry about the friends thing and running into them. i will take your lead and bow out if required but i think i would rather just stay away from those grounds altogether.

 

Bowing out yesterday did make me feel weak on some level, but it wasn't as bad as having to potentially watch her with someone else. It's not even jealousy at this point. I don't know what emotion it is exactly, but it's probably fear of 'something' and I know it's a feeling I dislike intensely.

 

In fact, it's close to abjection but not quite...

 

i feel like i am in this limbo-land, wanting to move on, afraid to do so in as much admitting that this is really over. i know i have to admit and move but my heart is hanging on and i can't shake it.

I was there too for a while but became bored. It's a rubbish place to be though isn't it?

dating for me is out of the question but know that i like you like being with someone. i am not sure i know how to be alone yet. i know i must learn how to do this or i will run into getting into the same relationship i have been in my whole life. i know that those have clearly been wrong. they were all either emotionally unavailable, fundementally incompatible, or just not able to make a committment.

 

Yeh, I know what you mean. I'm dating because I feel that it'll work out if it's meant to. I'm not religious, but you know, if myself and another person 'click', then I'm not going to hold onto the past and deny myself a potentially good opportunity.

 

It helps that I've taken my ex off the pedestal. Yeh, I am, for some reason, still attracted to her and I miss things, but I know another person will give those things to me in a new and exciting way, and probably provide a more meaningful experience if I select the right partner.

 

i know that i am a one girl guy at this time, always have been. but intellectually i know that this hurts me in being able to find the right person. i tend to fall for the first thing that i THINK i like. how do you get there? i know one step at a time.

 

It's largely about trusting your instincts and this is why personal development is crucial. Many people seem to have this illusion that they're entitled to meet their perfect partner, but the truth is that they're only going to meet the 'right' person if they, themselves, take responsibility for feeling 'right' first as an individual.

 

The more you learn about yourself, the more you can trust your instincts and the better choices you'll make when it comes to selecting a partner. And yes, I believe we 'get there' by taking things slowly, one step at a time. Remember that 'rejection' and perceived 'failure' aren't steps 'back', though. They're actually learning opportunities.

 

i know that the last one was just an illusion of what i really want and i am still in denial about her. i just don't know how to get past her. and i know that i am doing all the right things. it amazes me how i can be so with it in everything else in my life and a complete basketcase when it comes to dealing with this and her?????????

 

You're not a basket case. The fundamental difference between love and practically everything else is that love isn't rational nor controllable. There's so much going on 'behind the scenes' so to speak and there's so little education on the matter that it's no wonder why people find it so hard.

 

We cannot control our emotions, but we can control the way we act when we experience them. It's not easy to remain in control, though, and break ups are seriously challenging to even the most calm and collected of us. Heh, I mean like I've done some things post break up which I now perceive as totally out of character and insane in comparison to my usual behaviour.

 

 

My responses are in bold.

[lymtal1]

ant,

 

just a simple thanks for you taking the time with my thread. you have helped me with some things and for that i am greatful.

 

you keep hanging in and i have no doubt that we all will move past this place, look back and realize how lucky were to have learned the lessons that are forthcoming:)

[ConfusedT]

you seem like you are doing WAY better. ups and downs are normal of course, look at me. im on my own ROLLERCOASTER, but at least you are able to date somewhat normally. i go out to dinner, movies with guys and i have ZERO interest in them, actually, they kind of annoy me. i dont really want to talk to them, but i do, just to take the edge of it. i'd rather get a hello from my ex, than get an all expenses paid trip from one of them. sad.

 

i agree to back off if you're beginning to feel overwhelmed. i KNOW i am not at the point where i am a good catch, bc my mind is consumed by him in regards to the relationship. im so proud of you that you can actually separate the two at this point, i cant WAIT to get there. i am dying to get there!

[antinko]

you seem like you are doing WAY better. ups and downs are normal of course, look at me. im on my own ROLLERCOASTER, but at least you are able to date somewhat normally. i go out to dinner, movies with guys and i have ZERO interest in them, actually, they kind of annoy me. i dont really want to talk to them, but i do, just to take the edge of it. i'd rather get a hello from my ex, than get an all expenses paid trip from one of them. sad.

 

i agree to back off if you're beginning to feel overwhelmed. i KNOW i am not at the point where i am a good catch, bc my mind is consumed by him in regards to the relationship. im so proud of you that you can actually separate the two at this point, i cant WAIT to get there. i am dying to get there!

 

You'll get there, I promise and the fact you really want to is a great sign. I remember being at that stage and eventually I realised that the fact I wanted to be over it helped make things somewhat better.

 

Sure, I'm not over the break up completely, but I know I'm nothing like I was a couple of months ago.

[ConfusedT]

im so jealous. i would give anything to just have ONE day of peace within myself, you know? just one. i know it will come with time, but this is the hardest time for me.

 

its such a weird thing, because it feels like im getting worse and not better. =(

 

its nice to look back and see the strides you made. at least i can eat now! haha!!

[antinko]

I felt like I was getting worse at times. Hm, even up to a couple of weeks ago I still had some pretty dodgy moments and, frankly, I'm not too amazing right now.

 

Ducking out after seeing my ex's friends the other day refreshed some of the grief and I ask myself questions such as "what is she doing now?" and "is she with someone?" The questions are unanswerable and I probably wouldn't like the answers anyway.

 

I haven't done much today other than go to the gym and I think that's the problem. I'm thinking too much. Thinking about things which are non-issues. I think. Maybe I should stop thinking.

[Dblock10]

was just about to say, you are like me, a "thinker" it becomes unhealthy. sometimes i wish i could stop thinking or control what i can and dont think about..

 

but yeah, i think if you keep it up. your'll get there.

 

i guess in a way, apart from having the memories of the physical places i met her, or we went, i know she isnt returning to this place. so really, i dont have to panic about seeing her, which is oddly nice.. but sad in other ways.

 

i hate breaking up with someone. specially when they dont talk to you afterwards and you feel like another "fling" to them etc.

[antinko]

I like

song a lot. Well, to tell the truth, I love the band Travis a lot. I sort of grew up with them.

 

Anyway, I had a pretty melancholy day but my evening was good. I just put relationships out of my mind and I was glad that I was able to do that.

 

I'm pulling myself out of this slight sadness I've experienced over the past few days. I've been putting to much emphasis on this date and not thinking about it has really helped me gain perspective again. I need to hold onto that.

 

Tomorrow I need to start doing some preparatory work for the new academic year and continue with my fitness. I might go out in the evening but I'm not sure yet.