Antinko's Coping Journal

[CopingGal]

Thanks for the link to that thread. It helped me. I know my relationship needed to be over. Him throwing his new gf in my face 4 times tells me that there is no need for me to be friends with him and that I'm better off. The relationship was bumpy from the start because of his selfishness and immaturity. Good riddance to such trash.

[antinko]

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better. I'll write something more detailed later probably.

[Lofty2]

Just stumbled upon this thread and I like where it is going. Onwards and upwards is the underlying feeling to this journal. In addition to the upbeat feel it is also beautifully written hence my wanting to follow it right through to the end when we get the post saying 'I haven't time or need to write on here as my life has moved on past this journal'.

 

Your writings accord with my situation as my ex and I split in May. It has been a real roller coaster to gain some ground in the healing of my broken heart, but after NC (the full 3 months his end, nearly 2 months my end (trying to contact him only to be ignored)) I am starting to regain a little territory over my emotions.

 

I started a thread recently, inspired by some pages of a book, which have helped me no end this past few weeks and I am certain to refer back to this whenever I feel sad.

 

Ant, I hope this can apply to a man as easily as to a woman.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t294841/

 

I feel good things are headed your way. Positivity tends to attract good events and outcomes.

 

Lofty x x x

[antinko]

Yeh, I read the 'Act like a Queen' thread and it's a nice extended metaphor. I suppose us blokes can 'Act like Kings' only minus the chopping off of heads and debauchery. Hm, well ok, maybe we'll keep the debauchery.

[Lofty2]

Debauchery! Tut Tut

[antinko]

"I am this type of person."

 

"People don't change."

 

"It's just my lot in life."

 

"I am what I am."

 

Hm. These are a few declarations my ex made which wound me up somewhat. They frustrated me because I saw them as defeatist statements and because she was, is, an intelligent woman and I would have thought that such a smart girl would have understood how fallacious these statements are. But she believes them or, at least, won't face up to the reality that people can and do change.

 

I changed.

 

We are who we are and ok, back tracking slightly, there are certain elements of our physical and mental selves which are practically impossible to change or require a lot of work to alter, but I believe that, to a large extent, we're in control of our own destinies and ourselves. At the very least, we have a lot of influence over them and oftentimes, the big changes we want in life start with changing or adapting ourselves.

 

How have I changed? Well, I'm still me. To be honest, my entire life has been a series of changes, some sudden, some gradual, but in terms of my breakup, I've changed in the following ways:

 

1. I'm not ashamed to be me.

 

I wrote about this topic a few entries back and I'm sticking with the new outlook. Instead of worrying about whether people will be attracted to me based on my personality, I'm using my personality to help me narrow down the types of people I feel I am a. attracted to and b. could probably click with better.

 

2. I have my life back and it's far more worthwhile and enriching than it was when I was with my ex.

 

Ok, I feel a little bit sad when I say this part. I mean, yes, I am enjoying myself a lot more doing more activities and not feeling under pressure to make her happy, but it's one of those improvements which makes me accept how doomed the relationship was and how it wasn't going to endure.

 

3. I'm fitter. See point 2. for similar perspective on this one.

 

4. My outlook on my work is healthier.

 

My work did have an impact on the relationship and I really tried to manage it, but it was just how it was. I feel a bit guilty about the fact that my work load and my position in my career was so demanding, but I was also quite new to it, experiencing a lot of work related drama and it made me unhealthy. I actually had about a month off in total last year in one go due to illness and depression. I felt bad about that too.

 

The fact is, though, that I made changes and got myself into a better position. I now have a far healthier outlook on my job; I've gone through the motions of being inexperienced and overwhelmed and now have tools to cope with the stress and responsibilities and, most importantly, I now enjoy it and am proud of what I do.

 

Unfortunately, these changes weren't 'good enough' for my ex and she didn't stand by me, but they're changes which benefit me, and me alone now and that's what is most important.

 

5. This experience has made me into a more understanding individual.

 

Wow, relationships are hard. I'll have a lot more time and sympathy for people who I know who've come out of broken relationships from now on.

 

And I could go on, but I won't.

 

Despite my progress, I'm still grieving a bit. I know I'm grieving because I don't want to run into my ex still. As I said, ignorance is bliss, but I know I'd probably be a bit upset should it be shattered.

 

I also know that I'm only really doing so well because I followed good advice on this site and I've been looking out for myself like some kind of life coach. I know that this coaching and self consideration must be maintained and, honestly? It's a bit of an effort.

 

I am confident that my positive changes will become second nature and part of my everyday life soon, but right now I have to be vigilant. I have to follow the new routines, keep my diary, keep my journal, write my targets, self reflect and evaluate. It all feels a little bit robotic at times, but I know the outcomes will be worth it.

 

I do hope that soon I'll be able to say that I no longer need this journal, but I'll keep adding to it until that day comes.

Edited August 31, 2011 by antinko

[Lofty2]

Keep up this excellent work for yourself and for all other LS's who are in the same boat. We will sail our way out of this everyone!!! x

[antinko]

It's been three weeks since I last saw her (when I saw her in that bar with that guy) and three months since we split up.

 

I've tried not to think about it, but I miss her today. I'm having those wishes that she didn't fall out of love with me and that we still had what we had in the beginning of the relationship but, yeh I know, it's a fantasy.

 

I'm not regressing, don't worry, just reminiscing. I'll let the thoughts wash through me naturally as I can deal with them right now. I'm keeping myself occupied at least.

 

I'll go on this date still at the beginning of next week but I'm not sure if I'll particularly be bothered about it leading anywhere. I don't think it will to be honest, but I'll go on it just to see. If it doesn't work out, though, I'm going to be in no rush to date anyone else. Love can come to me if it wants to. I've got things to focus on.

[lymtal1]

ant,

 

i know what you are going through and i am sorry it is happening.

 

your term "fantasy" is oh so right on from the perspective that once things end, we look back at the past and realize that what we had and maybe even created is nothing more than a fantasy.

 

the fantasy keeps me where i am and it drives me to continue this thought process that logically i know is a bad thing. the funny thing is she was my fantasy. i went out and made it happen. it did not exist until i basically said to myself "i think i am going to make her mine". then went out and made it happen.

 

that is the thing that i can't get past. i created it and she ended it. i think i am having more of a problem with the fact that she did something that i could not. i could not walk away even when i knew it was wrong and would not work out. so for me and i have this sneaking suspicion for many of us here, we are not so much hurting about the fact that our relationship is over and the person is gone, but our ego and self esteem took a giant blow that it may never had in the past.

 

i keep ruminating about what i had. the reality is there have been so many things in my life that i had and for some reason or another are gone. why is this different? well because we attached so much more emotion to this person. when you are with someone almost 24/7 it almost becomes a part of us. a habit so to speak. habits are hard to break and not really dealing in the right way of breaking habits can be impossible. emotional connections to anything can be wonderful and when we loose it can be down-right debilitating.

 

so i am pulling for you on your date. i am glad that you are doing it and if ok with you at this time, i'll just live through you as that thought kinda scares me. the thing is i know you are going into it with the right expectations. you are doing it for the right reasons. you know you have to move on and live. be easy on yourself, as i know you will. it is just another step in the process we have to go through.

[antinko]

It often feels like a tug of war with me and 'what's best for me' on one team and then grief and lamenting for the ex on the other.

 

Today I woke up feeling a little melancholy, missing her, feeling a bit jealous of any guy who's possibly done the nasty with her, but then I had to bitch slap myself. Hard.

 

Why am I having those thoughts when I've been dating? I've kissed some girls since my ex and one certainly wanted to jump into bed with me, but I just wasn't interested.

 

I admit that my male mind does sometimes revert to its most basic instincts and emotions and get a bit jealous as if this was some kind of competition. I can be a bit of a caveman sometimes I suppose...behind closed doors. Although, I don't have a club. OR a cave. Perhaps I should...

 

The fact is, though, that I'm not over her emotionally and, as I've realised and then forgotten...and then relearned, numerous times before, we can't really control how we feel. Only our actions can be controlled.

 

So I'm controlling my actions. On one level, I'd like some sex. I'm not going to be coy about it: I'm a bloke and it's true that we think about it several times a day. But then, the overall 'me' isn't ready.

 

I don't think I'm emotionally ready to sleep with anyone yet even if 'chemically' I wanted to.

 

I'm listening to

from Transformers the Movie (the '86 cartoon one) and it's giving me power vibes.

 

To be honest, I've lived most of my life by the teachings and philosophies of Optimus Prime and Atticus Finch. Well, I try not to die as often as Optimus Prime, but I interpret his many deaths as a metaphor for the power of self sacrifice and failure making individuals stronger in the long run... I wouldn't say I'm quite as awesome as either of those two characters either, but we all need role models.

 

Anyway, my general point is that the tug of war has two other competitors, one on each team. On my side there is 'rationality' and on the other side their is 'unchecked emotions'.

 

Throughout this healing process I've considered negative emotions as something terrible, things which should be overcome at all costs, but as I developed, I've started to consider so called 'negative' emotions as an opportunities, good things even.

 

Negative emotions signal that something isn't to our liking in life so it's up to us to work out what the issues are. They also make us stronger.

 

If one is able to act sensibly and turn their negative emotions into positive actions, then they will become stronger and they will be rewarded with more positive outcomes. I think this fact is a little bit counter intuitive, but I certainly believe it.

 

So when I journal about my negative feelings, I know what to do. Positive action is required and I know to accept the way I feel knowing that the emotions will pass and be replaced by better ones soon enough.

 

As much as I miss my ex, I know that I wouldn't have grown like I have done if we hadn't broken up and if she hadn't put me through so much heartbreak. Now, I'm not exactly going to write her a thank you card or ever let her know, but it helps me forgive her somewhat more easily no matter how she may or may not act towards me in future should I see her again.

 

As for my dating, well, another girl from the gym has shown interest in me but I've decided I'm not going to ask her on a date. Honestly, it's too much pressure right now.

 

We've added each other on Facebook and I'll be friendly, but I'm not going to pursue anyone. Why should I? Other people will be lucky to be with me and I'm not going to chase them. And I'm not saying they'll be lucky because I'm super fantastic or anything, but because I have goals, drive, ambition, am active, and I'm a decent person.

 

In short, I have no reason to be insecure about anything.

[silly_panda]

"I am this type of person."

 

But she believes them or, at least, won't face up to the reality that people can and do change.

 

I changed.

 

 

Nicely said and done... My ex don't believe that people CAN change too... Or at least she doesn't believe that I can change... Which is so not true... I believe everyone can change and improve themselves if they really want to... They just need a drive/motivation to do that...

 

I too will often think of the 'nasty' things my ex will do with her new guy... Just kills you doesn't it... But again I always tell myself that it is out of my countrol and what she does has nothing to do with me anymore... Hang in there man... I know you are able to handle stuff better than I am...

[antinko]

I was going to write something longer but I decided I couldn't be bothered.

 

Here's a summary:

 

- My girlfriend left me and I'm a really good catch. Oh well, her loss.

- I have a broken heart. My loss.

- I'm moving on because I have to.

- I'm probably going to stop writing this journal soon because I'm becoming repetitive.

- I miss her still, more so than I have done over the last few weeks, but at least it showed I truly cared.

- I'd love to know how she really feels about me, but I don't think she knows this either.

- She's off the pedestal now, but I just miss her because, guess what? I loved her, proverbial warts and all. She was far less than perfect, but I loved her for 'her'.

- She didn't love me in the same way.

- I've grown due to the break up.

- I've accepted the reality of the situation and, as I said, I'm moving on. My heart still loves her but my mind is in a stable enough place now to take control and help me move onto someone hopefully more worthy.

[LelouchIsZero]

"I am this type of person."

 

"People don't change."

 

"It's just my lot in life."

 

"I am what I am."

 

My ex made statements like that too, I wonder if she actually believes them.

 

Of course people can change, its a necessity. Without change we'd hardly be able to say that we're living.

 

After reading most of your recent posts Antinko, I think we're about at the same place in the 'healing process', though you're probably a bit more ahead as you're motivated .

Edited September 2, 2011 by LelouchIsZero

[antinko]

My ex made statements like that too, I wonder if she actually believes them.

 

Of course people can change, its a necessity. Without change we'd hardly be able to say that we're living.

 

After reading most of your recent posts Antinko, I think we're about at the same place in the 'healing process', though you're probably a bit more ahead as you're motivated .

 

The truth is that I'm motivated because, yeh sure while I do want to improve, I couldn't live with the idea of my ex seeing me in a crap state, out of shape and not getting on with my life.

 

I'm currently really proud of my fitness. I was fit before I met my ex, but this is an entirely different level and it's because I've been hurting. I've now found a sport, though, which will keep me maintaining it.

 

In fact, I might write a few posts over the next few days about how I've gone about staying motivated... Thanks for the idea.

[LelouchIsZero]

It was all you mate .

 

Also, I resent the resume as an rtf (If you haven't already seen it).

[antinko]

Oh yeh, sorry I was kayaking last night and then got sidetracked. I'll look at it now.

[antinko]

The fact is that you don't have to do anything to improve yourself but if you do want to make yourself feel better, I can give some tips on what works for me. I'll start with fitness.

 

Ok, so why fitness? By fitness, I mean being as healthy as you can be in a way which makes you happy.

 

The cool sun screen song teaches: "enjoy your body; use it every way you can; don't be afraid of it or what other people think of it; it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own."

 

Furthermore, "do not read beauty magazines: they'll only make you feel ugly."

 

When we've been dumped, it's natural to feel like there's no point to anything because the one person we truly loved and were besotted by has given us up, so why should we bother looking good? We don't want anyone else at that point!

 

I think this thinking is the most difficult part of defeating being demotivated because, those of us who feel that way are suffering from low self esteem and we're not putting ourselves first. We're not used to the idea that we should look after ourselves for us and no one else.

 

But that's the truth: all of this self improvement is for you and you alone.

 

Motivational step number one: Accept and embrace the fact that you're improving you for you.

 

You will not aim to use your self improvement as a weapon against your ex and here's why: if you try to do that, it'll probably be obvious to your ex and if, and when, it fails, then you'll just feel even worse than you did before. So, self improvement has really got to be a case of bettering yourself with the understanding that your ex won't ever find out and that it doesn't matter at all that they won't. You're trying to get past them remember?

 

We're focusing on fitness first because exercise increases endorphin levels (happy drug) and there are obvious other long term health benefits too. Depending on who you are, you'll have different fitness goals, but everyone trying to get over an ex should certainly be exercising in order to feel good. That means that you will not make yourself feel guilty if you do not complete a work out fully; you will not feel obliged to push yourself to exhaustion and you won't compromise good form in your exercise for overstepping your limitations.

 

Motivational step 2: Decide on what type of exercise(s) you want to and can do.

 

I'll give a specific example. In my case, I'm a tall guy who is now capable of putting on mass quite easily, both fat and muscle. Obviously, muscle is more attractive so I've wanted to focus on building lean muscle and burning fat; therefore, my exercise has been focused on lifting big weights (for me) and high intensity interval training.

 

I won't explain these workouts here because a. I'm no expert and b. there's plenty of literature on them out there anyway, but the point is that I decided what I wanted to achieve and planned how to do it.

 

Additionally, it's exercise that I wanted to do and not what I thought I had to do. Any exercise is better than no exercise remember.

 

Now, if you're like me, you'll want to follow Motivational step 3 because you'll find adopting an exercise routine into your lifestyle in the long term difficult...

 

Motivational step 3: Find a sport or energetic activity to contextualize your training if you're just going to the gym because this will make your chosen fitness regime easier to sustain.

 

Me? I started kayaking for a variety of different reasons. To list but a few: to meet new people, to push my boundaries (I used to have a phobia of large stretches of water, especially where I could see the bottom), to gain more skills and to partake in a sport which would make use of my gym training.

 

Your sport or activity can be anything, but if you're like me, you'll want to see a benefit to your exercise other than 'it's just good for you'.

 

It's like the kids at school and where a lot of teachers run into serious issues: the learner/one expected to put in the main effort, will only do so if they see the benefit of it. Now, for some reason, simply going with the reason of "it's good for you because you'll look, feel and will be better" isn't good enough for most of us to keep us motivated, so we need to give purpose to our exercise other than that. Kayaking was my choice; what's yours going to be?

 

Motivational step 4: Be realistic.

 

I said to ignore the lifestyle/beauty magazines because not only are the beautiful people within their pages a minority, but they're also employed to maintain their extreme levels of fitness and beauty and Photoshop is a wonderful, if not deceptive, thing.

 

We see each other in real life every day so what is sustainable to you? What can you easily do on a daily basis to look your best? And by best, I mean 'every day best', not 'going out' best.

 

Motivational step 5: Eat well but be sensible.

 

Diets don't work very well for disciplined people. Diets work even less well for those people believing that such a drastic change in their eating will bring easily gained results. Just don't diet...unless you've been medically advised to.

 

Any changes in eating should be achievable on a long term basis and should make you happy.

 

Personally, despite having quite high expectations for my fitness, I decided to:

 

1. simply eat enough quality calories to sustain my muscle, namely increased protein. I started drinking protein shakes to supplement, but also replace certain unhealthy snacks

 

2. started taking multivitamin pills

 

3. ate more fruit, vegetables and other roughage

 

4. decreased intake of saturated fats

 

I do not count calories. I'm not aiming to be a fitness model and my fitness gains are aimed towards what I can do better with my body and not how much better it looks.

 

Motivational step 6: It's about what you can do, not how you look.

 

I think the mistake many people make when trying to do exercise and keep fit is that they think in terms of how they want to look and not in terms of what they want their bodies to be capable of doing.

 

Again, returning to you've got what you've been given to a large extent and it's very difficult to sculpt our bodies into looking a certain way. So play to your strengths.

 

A better way of working towards a certain look is by thinking about your performance. If your body is able to perform better, it'll probably as a byproduct look better too. Just consider the types of activities you're doing though. For instance, I want to keep my muscle and maybe put on a bit more so I won't be doing marathon training any time soon...

 

Remember, "the race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself."

 

Motivational step 7: Nike got it right - "Just do it" (and put it in your diary).

 

This one comes down to the individual, but a factor of maintaining an exercise program is actually doing it.

 

If you exercise after work, go straight to the gym or swimming pool or wherever you work out before going home. Trust me, finding the motivation to go to the gym after a 'short break' at home is next to impossible.

 

Write it in your diary. Seriously, as best as you can, plan ahead and write down what you're going to do and at what time. This will not only help you keep the appointment, but it'll also boost your self respect. Does someone want to see you at that time? Sorry, exercise is in the diary so get them to rearrange with you. Why? Well, because this is about putting yourself first! If it's already planned, it's already planned.

 

Motivational step 8: At the very least, tick off on your diary or calendar when you've done exercise.

 

I keep slightly more detailed notes about what exercises I did, but I always tick it off too on a flip calendar. This way, I can see how often I've done exercise per week and won't feel guilty if I've done just three out of four planned sessions. I think three times a week is a good target. I try to aim for five personally.

[antinko]

So these are eight 'steps' I took to make sure I was exercising well and sustaining it. These steps might not work for everyone, but they might do.

[antinko]

I'm a stubborn bastard. I'm a very nice stubborn bastard, but I'm stubborn nonetheless. I'm especially stubborn when it comes to situations where I think somebody misunderstands me or has misjudged me. My ex misjudged me and I am willing to bet that your exes did with you too.

 

My ex said I wasn't outgoing and was too quiet, that I had an unfunny sense of humour and, frankly, was quite hurtful with the things she said to me.

 

When I set out to prove these ideas wrong, it wasn't to her, but again for myself.

 

My confidence was somewhat broken. I don't think she realizes the extent of the damage she caused, but it was a lot. I only realise now that I feel a lot better than I did just how unsure of myself I'd become. I felt like there was something wrong with me.

 

But I had to change that. I'm stubborn and not going to let anyone, especially one who rejected me, imprint a set of behaviours on me...

 

At first, I didn't really know where to start. I wanted to prove to myself that I was outgoing but I wasn't sure where to go to. Frankly, hanging around with my friends a lot became counterproductive because they often brought the subject back to the breakup thinking I wanted to talk about it when I didn't. That, or...well, I don't know. I just know that for me, I didn't want to always hang around with my usual group of friends.

 

So I looked online for social groups and activities. I even looked at singles holidays and excursions.

 

It's then that I thought, well, what new skills would I like to pick up? What haven't I done in my life so far which I really would like to do? What haven't I accomplished or experienced which I probably wouldn't have ever done while with my ex?

 

And then it hit me...

 

That was a major key in regaining my motivation and helping me move on: how could I make this break up and the time after it be an opportunity to do things which the ex wouldn't have ever done with me or really wanted me to do?

 

So I started kayaking and taking part in lots of active, muddy and slightly risky adventure activities. I wanted to push myself, again using my fitness to see how far I could go, and I knew that by doing these activities that I wanted to do, then I'd likely meet more like minded people and I'd potentially find future girlfriends when I was ready...

 

I spent an evening working out when i was free during August, identified what I wanted to do, worked out a budget and then booked the events. I didn't know anyone who was going to go; I was totally alone. But I was excited. This was me proving to me that I was an outgoing person - something I'd known to be true before I let my ex hurt me.

 

Once the events were planned, I wrote them in my calendar and then planned my fitness routine and other commitments around them. Before I knew it, August was filling up quite nicely.

 

To cut a long story short (since much of it has already been told anyway), I went to these activities, made friends and even secured some dates.

 

I'm now planning what I want to do in September and October (this time fitting things in around work) and will continue to do this, hopefully getting to a point where I'm planning to attend bigger, longer and more exciting events further in advance.

 

So, to summarise:

 

1. Identify what you want to prove to yourself

2. Think about how you could achieve proving it

3. Plan it out, maybe in stages if you need to

4. Write down your plan and timings in your diary

5. Do it

6. Reflect, rinse and repeat if necessary, or identify new areas of improvement...and so on.

[antinko]

Ok, I honestly don't know what it is that I'm doing apart from, possibly, not seeming to 'think' too much when I'm out and am just being me, but this girl I knew from ages ago who we bumped into in town last week just text me asking me out on a date. I accepted because, honestly, I like the attention right now...

 

Dates on Monday and Tuesday so far. Hopefully I'll have time to get some work done...

 

Anyway, at the very least it's nice to know I'm wanted. Please don't ask for advice; I have no idea what I'm doing.

[antinko]

Motivation:

[antinko]

And I'm there...kinda.

 

Someone posted this on the dating forum and it reaffirms everything I thought about my ex's misconceptions about real relationships and makes me feel better about my perspective which was...the reality of relationships.

 

I'm not a religious person, but this chap makes a lot of sense because the advice applies regardless of faith.

 

I feel a lot more peaceful now.

[antinko]

I wanted to send something similar to my ex, but I know I won't. She'd never 'get it' or accept it. I also know I'd regret sending it so I'm just posting it here. Feel free to comment.

 

Dear Ex,

 

I hope you're well.

 

I'm writing this letter because I believe you deserve to hear some truths.

 

I loved you and was prepared to honour, respect and trust you forever. True love requires these things for it to endure. It is not about initial chemistry or lust: proper relationships do become boring and it saddens me that it turns out that long term commitment isn't what you wanted. I was heart broken because I believed that you wanted 'forever' as you said and wrote many times, but you seemed to be in love with the 'idea' of love, rather than love itself. The fact that true love can become mundane is only a small aspect of it, though: I truly valued the commitment I believed we were making to each other. I thought greater rewards would blossom from this. But I see instant gratification is what drives you.

 

I write this letter because I accept what happened and I accepted it a couple of months ago. I write this letter because I still care for you too.

 

I don't know what you want. You quite possibly have found someone else who you believe will 'make you happy', but happiness starts with the individual. Relationships require work and nothing is 'perfect'. And that is the measure of a 'true love' relationship - one which weathers any storm and where both partners work together. The act of love is selfless, not selfish. I believe that you were selfish. I believe that you are selfish.

 

You might interpret this letter as me being bitter but I am not. If anything, I'm sending it to you because you frequently claimed you 'struggle with direction' and, as someone who truly loved you, because I did, I'm trying to tell you the truth.

 

The truth is that you had someone who truly loved and respected you. The reality is that you rejected that person. That person being me, you may have demonized in your head to justify rejecting me. I don't know and it's of no consequence to me now but I still love you.

 

I want you to know that I am comfortable never speaking to you again although I will think about you. I know now that, as it stands, we're incompatible and our ideas on love are alien to each other.

 

I wish you the best in life and I hope you find that fairy tale ending some day.

 

Yours sincerely,

Me

[antinko]

I'll never send that letter because I know it does sound a little bitter. I also know that she'd never take the meaning I intended to put across from it.

 

I also know that, on some level, it'd probably hurt her. And I need to write and post it because I know it would...and you know what? I don't want to hurt her.

 

Even if I'm wrong, the main conclusion I've come to over all this is what I said in the last paragraph about us being incompatible and having different understandings of 'love'.

 

I have no desire to speak to her again. I loved her truly and I still care for her so NC and giving her space indefinitely is my way of letting her just get on with her life and allowing myself to move on. This is basically what other people said originally when I came here looking for advice.

 

I haven't felt the strong urge to talk to her for a while now. In fact, I wanted to avoid her and was scared of seeing her, but honestly, after much thinking and watching that video I linked, I feel like a weight has been lifted.

 

I truly know she isn't for me now and I don't hate her. The forgiveness I started to give to her feels more solid.

 

I don't even want to think about her much any more. Truthfully, I'm thinking about her less and less. I don't even feel curious about looking her up on Facebook or...anything.

 

She was a part of my life and had significant impact on it. I did love being with her for a good while and I remember those positive things. It's a waste of my time to focus on the negatives. I'm not that sort of person.

[antinko]

And so I'm done with this journal in terms of 'coping'.

 

I am now 'developing' and, while I do feel the loss of my ex, it feels much more like the feeling I experience when I remember my close friend who died of cancer earlier this year. As I said, I remember the good and the rest is history.

 

I will add to this journal for a while so I can update about my dates, but I'm starting to wonder if there's something to be said for becoming more of a private individual. I'll wait and see on that one though.

 

Best wishes to you all.

 

- Antinko