A Sorry Tale...

[EmeraldCityGirl]

I'm hesitant to even post this...for a forum that is purportedly for the OW/M, there seems to be a lot of anger towards those involved in EMR's. But, I am desperate for some advice and perspective, so here goes. Sorry for the length, but its a complicated situation. I've had to change some details to preserve my anonymity, but the general story is pretty accurate.

 

A few years ago, I met a man. I'll call him "J". He began to pursue me, contriving to "end up" in the same places as me, offering me rides and help with my child (I was in a tough spot at the time). At first I had no interest in him at all, but after about a month of spending time together I started to develop feelings for him, which he encouraged. One day, an acquaintance of mine (and a friend of his) stopped us on the street, and confronted J about spending time with me while he had a girlfriend at home. I was shocked. I knew he had kids, but I assumed that him and their mother were no longer together. I should have walked away right then and there, but I didn't. I had allowed my feelings for him to develop to such an extent that the thought of no longer seeing him was repugnant to me.

 

To J's credit, he immediately told his girlfriend that he had met someone else, and that he didn't want to be with her any longer. However, they were still living together, and neither was in a position to move into their own place. Months went by, during which (according to him) his ex-gf spent every moment making him miserable and guilty, even begging on hands and knees for one more chance. He went back to her. Then, broke up with her again and back to me. Then back to her.

 

Then, to my shame, I became involved in a clandestine affair with this man. We spent months meeting up, having fantastic sex, taking day trips, generally behaving as though she didn't exist. But she did exist. And she found out. It was a horrible, horrible time for all of us. J and I didn't speak for a few months. He contacted me once, but I was involved with someone else and declined his invitation to meet up. A couple of months after that, my new relationship was on the skids, and J once again contacted me. He was no longer living with his gf, and asked if we could be friends. I saw him a few times over the next couple months, but was careful to keep things platonic. After I finally broke up with my bf, however, J and I once again became involved sexually.

 

Then, he told me he had to move back in with his ex-gf, that he could no longer stay where he had been, and that he had nowhere else to go (unless I wanted him to move in with me. I didn't). He promised me that they were working on being friends, and that this was a temporary arrangement. His "ex"gf and I have gotten to know each other over the course of the years, and though mutually distrustful, I don't think either of us can find it in our hearts to truly dislike the other. She is a pretty, intelligent woman, and her and I think alike about many things. It turns out (I'm sure you'll all be SHOCKED) that they weren't broken up at all. I confronted J about this, and he admitted he hadn't been entirely honest with me. He has no job at the moment, and no money...and therefore no place to live if she kicks him out. He says he needs to "keep the peace" by "telling her what she wants to hear" until he can work and save enough money to move out.

 

This is the skeleton of the story: there have been a lot of things that have happened over the years that would be at home on any daytime TV show. Its been sordid and ridiculous at times, and painful and humiliating. But I also have never had a connection with anyone like I do with J, ever. I have never really felt another person the way I feel him. When we are together the world disappears, and it is beautiful. He slept over with me the other night, and I just held him while he cried. He's not a monster: selfish, yes; weak, yes...but not a monster. I know this has hurt him at least as much as it has hurt her and I. I know he's in love with me, but I also know he loves and feels protective over her. I feel like I have been in limbo for years with this man, waiting passively for him to finally make a decision. I know I will never truly be able to move on while he is still keeping contact with me, and I don't know how much longer I can wait for this to be resolved. She deserves better, I deserve better...even J deserves better.

 

I am uncomfortable with ultimata, but I think in this case perhaps one is in order. Not "do as I wish or I disappear", but maybe setting a date by which he needs to move into his own apt. Or, make the choice to stay in his current relationship and give her the focus that she deserves...and promise to finally go ZERO contact with me. Something has to give, one way or another...

 

Thoughts?

Edited August 12, 2011 by EmeraldCityGirl
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