A Sorry Tale...

[EmeraldCityGirl]

Hello ladies and gents, it's been years since I posted here (though I read here daily) but I thought this thread deserved an update, if for no other reason than to give those who are still in the midst of an affair some much-needed perspective.

 

If you read the previous posts in this thread, you will know that after many years of heartbreak and rejection, I ultimately married my affair partner. We recently celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary, and I would like to let you all know how my marriage has turned out so far.

 

First, I would like to say that I don't believe anyone has even been more in love than J and I were. Our love was special, destined - I'd never felt anything remotely like it. We could lay in each others arms for hours, talking about our deepest fears, hopes, and desires. We laughed, cried, opened our hearts, were intimate in a way that neither of us had ever been before. It was an amazing, frustrating, exciting, heart-rending experience.

 

So, J divorced his BW, and a year later we married. The first couple of years were wonderful: we couldn't keep our hands off of each other, had sex multiple times a day. We always wanted to be touching, a separation of hours felt infintely longer. But, as most marriages do, eventually ours settled into a less exciting, less passionate routine. We had kids to care for, the fallout of his divorce to deal with, bills to pay. Slowly, the anger I used to see in him when dealing with his ex started to be directed my way. He became less patient with the kids, with me. Spent much of his time yelling. There were times when I felt he truly despised me. I started to pay attention to the personality traits I had been blind to in the heady years of our affair: his almost constant negativity, his need to control, his idealizing me one moment and disparaging me the next. His quick temper, his rages. His willingness to let a woman support him, as much as he protested that it pained him. His lack of compassion for people, for his own children. His high anxiety and stress levels, and his utter unwillingness to do anything about any of it.

 

Three years into our marriage, he had a one night stand with another woman. I was never able to prove it, but I know it happened. Three years...the same distance into his previous relationship that he started pursuing me.

 

So now, I find myself married to a man that I no longer respect, and probably no longer love. The same man I would have died for ten years ago. Ladies, and gentleman, be careful what you wish for. The affair partner you have put on a pedestal in your mind is just a man, just a woman. Flawed. Some far more so than others.

 

I see my husbands ex from time to time; she has long since forgiven me, and has even thanked me for helping her out of a toxic marriage, though the way it was done left much to be desired. She looks happy. She seems stronger, more sure of herself, vibrant. She dates, travels, has actual friends. She spends time with her family, buys herself a dress without fear of the consequences. She is progressing in her career, buying a home, and living her life without a care for the man who tossed her aside. She no longer has that man tearing her down, day in and day out. Now I'm the one on the recieving end of his contempt, he's my cross to bear. I won.

[lavenderblue]

Hello ladies and gents, it's been years since I posted here (though I read here daily) but I thought this thread deserved an update, if for no other reason than to give those who are still in the midst of an affair some much-needed perspective.

 

If you read the previous posts in this thread, you will know that after many years of heartbreak and rejection, I ultimately married my affair partner. We recently celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary, and I would like to let you all know how my marriage has turned out so far.

 

First, I would like to say that I don't believe anyone has even been more in love than J and I were. Our love was special, destined - I'd never felt anything remotely like it. We could lay in each others arms for hours, talking about our deepest fears, hopes, and desires. We laughed, cried, opened our hearts, were intimate in a way that neither of us had ever been before. It was an amazing, frustrating, exciting, heart-rending experience.

 

So, J divorced his BW, and a year later we married. The first couple of years were wonderful: we couldn't keep our hands off of each other, had sex multiple times a day. We always wanted to be touching, a separation of hours felt infintely longer. But, as most marriages do, eventually ours settled into a less exciting, less passionate routine. We had kids to care for, the fallout of his divorce to deal with, bills to pay. Slowly, the anger I used to see in him when dealing with his ex started to be directed my way. He became less patient with the kids, with me. Spent much of his time yelling. There were times when I felt he truly despised me. I started to pay attention to the personality traits I had been blind to in the heady years of our affair: his almost constant negativity, his need to control, his idealizing me one moment and disparaging me the next. His quick temper, his rages. His willingness to let a woman support him, as much as he protested that it pained him. His lack of compassion for people, for his own children. His high anxiety and stress levels, and his utter unwillingness to do anything about any of it.

 

Three years into our marriage, he had a one night stand with another woman. I was never able to prove it, but I know it happened. Three years...the same distance into his previous relationship that he started pursuing me.

 

So now, I find myself married to a man that I no longer respect, and probably no longer love. The same man I would have died for ten years ago. Ladies, and gentleman, be careful what you wish for. The affair partner you have put on a pedestal in your mind is just a man, just a woman. Flawed. Some far more so than others.

 

I see my husbands ex from time to time; she has long since forgiven me, and has even thanked me for helping her out of a toxic marriage, though the way it was done left much to be desired. She looks happy. She seems stronger, more sure of herself, vibrant. She dates, travels, has actual friends. She spends time with her family, buys herself a dress without fear of the consequences. She is progressing in her career, buying a home, and living her life without a care for the man who tossed her aside. She no longer has that man tearing her down, day in and day out. Now I'm the one on the recieving end of his contempt, he's my cross to bear. I won.

 

thank you for this very sobering story...it takes a very special kind of courage to come back and update us on your story..thank you and my very best wishes that you find the inner peace that you crave

[ItStartsFromWithin]

Wow. You have showed an enormous amount of courage and honesty by posting such a raw and unfiltered update. Thank you for this. Sincerely.

[whichwayisup]

Divorce him. You sound miserable! Life is too short to spend with someone you don't love or respect anymore. Set yourself free so you can be happy again. You don't owe him anything!

[sadgirl17]

Thank you so much for this detailed and enlightening update. This is exactly what I need to read now. I'm very interested in the outcomes of long-term affairs or affairs-turned-marriages as I was involved in a two-year affair myself. Your story really helps me strengthen my resolve for NC (after my many failed attempts at NC in the past, this time I'm so desperate that I've gone so far as to change all my contact details, aka, my phone number, facebook, emails, etc) and keeping x-mm blocked from my life FOREVER. I used to think I would take him back if one day he comes back divorced. However, after reading your post, I realize I'm much much better off without him. And I will never ever take him back no matter what, single or not. THANK YOU AGAIN!

 

What are you gonna do anyway? Will you stay in the marriage or consider leaving him? Whatever you decide, i wish you all the best! I'm sorry for all the pain he caused and is causing you. We all know we deserve better but as women who love blindly, don't beat up yourself for this. I bet these affairs are a way life is teaching us lessons about ourselves, our self-esteems and how to make wise decisions when it comes to choosing who we should let into our lives.

[What_Did_I_Do]

Hello ladies and gents, it's been years since I posted here (though I read here daily) but I thought this thread deserved an update, if for no other reason than to give those who are still in the midst of an affair some much-needed perspective.

 

If you read the previous posts in this thread, you will know that after many years of heartbreak and rejection, I ultimately married my affair partner. We recently celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary, and I would like to let you all know how my marriage has turned out so far.

 

First, I would like to say that I don't believe anyone has even been more in love than J and I were. Our love was special, destined - I'd never felt anything remotely like it. We could lay in each others arms for hours, talking about our deepest fears, hopes, and desires. We laughed, cried, opened our hearts, were intimate in a way that neither of us had ever been before. It was an amazing, frustrating, exciting, heart-rending experience.

 

So, J divorced his BW, and a year later we married. The first couple of years were wonderful: we couldn't keep our hands off of each other, had sex multiple times a day. We always wanted to be touching, a separation of hours felt infintely longer. But, as most marriages do, eventually ours settled into a less exciting, less passionate routine. We had kids to care for, the fallout of his divorce to deal with, bills to pay. Slowly, the anger I used to see in him when dealing with his ex started to be directed my way. He became less patient with the kids, with me. Spent much of his time yelling. There were times when I felt he truly despised me. I started to pay attention to the personality traits I had been blind to in the heady years of our affair: his almost constant negativity, his need to control, his idealizing me one moment and disparaging me the next. His quick temper, his rages. His willingness to let a woman support him, as much as he protested that it pained him. His lack of compassion for people, for his own children. His high anxiety and stress levels, and his utter unwillingness to do anything about any of it.

 

Three years into our marriage, he had a one night stand with another woman. I was never able to prove it, but I know it happened. Three years...the same distance into his previous relationship that he started pursuing me.

 

So now, I find myself married to a man that I no longer respect, and probably no longer love. The same man I would have died for ten years ago. Ladies, and gentleman, be careful what you wish for. The affair partner you have put on a pedestal in your mind is just a man, just a woman. Flawed. Some far more so than others.

 

I see my husbands ex from time to time; she has long since forgiven me, and has even thanked me for helping her out of a toxic marriage, though the way it was done left much to be desired. She looks happy. She seems stronger, more sure of herself, vibrant. She dates, travels, has actual friends. She spends time with her family, buys herself a dress without fear of the consequences. She is progressing in her career, buying a home, and living her life without a care for the man who tossed her aside. She no longer has that man tearing her down, day in and day out. Now I'm the one on the recieving end of his contempt, he's my cross to bear. I won.

 

Firstly ECG, so sorry this is how things turned out for you. You did the right thing by walking away and allowing to re-engage only if he had D papers in hand, which he did.

 

We are all here on this forum searching for answers, hoping for some glimpse of the 'what if'.....well THIS^^^^without a doubt, would have been the 'what if' of my life.

 

There is so much good advice here on LS, but your story is the 2x4 right across the forehead for me.

 

Your post gave me chills. Everything from the longevity of your A, to the twists and turns until you finally had enough. xMM and I, so much the same from not being able to keep our hands off each other, the closeness, intimacy, back and forth, the lies, the love, all that, but in between and so subtle at first, were playful critisisms from him, which gradually got worse (I'm just funning with you he'd say to me) but they escalated almost to the point of abuse. And I'm thinking...did he constantly put down his W the same way he was starting to do to me? Then same thing, it was almost like there was this disdain from him, every thing I did was judged. Couldn't even have a bad day (had to be a happy go lucky mistress every minute of every day) and if I wasn't "on", he turned ice cold on me. Made me pay for "ruining his day".

 

The similarities are eerie. xMM and his W supposedly had the separation talk and he claimed she did not put up a fight to save the marriage. If this conversation did occur, now I see why she may have been ambivilant. Wow.

[EmeraldCityGirl]

Thank you so much for this detailed and enlightening update. This is exactly what I need to read now. I'm very interested in the outcomes of long-term affairs or affairs-turned-marriages as I was involved in a two-year affair myself. Your story really helps me strengthen my resolve for NC (after my many failed attempts at NC in the past, this time I'm so desperate that I've gone so far as to change all my contact details, aka, my phone number, facebook, emails, etc) and keeping x-mm blocked from my life FOREVER. I used to think I would take him back if one day he comes back divorced. However, after reading your post, I realize I'm much much better off without him. And I will never ever take him back no matter what, single or not. THANK YOU AGAIN!

 

What are you gonna do anyway? Will you stay in the marriage or consider leaving him? Whatever you decide, i wish you all the best! I'm sorry for all the pain he caused and is causing you. We all know we deserve better but as women who love blindly, don't beat up yourself for this. I bet these affairs are a way life is teaching us lessons about ourselves, our self-esteems and how to make wise decisions when it comes to choosing who we should let into our lives.

 

 

You are very welcome, Sadgirl. I can wish nothing more for you, with all of my heart, than that your resolve holds firm, and you stay far away from xMM. We all deserve so much better than what we have been given from these men and women, and so much better than what we have given ourselves.

 

I am not so jaded, even now, as to believe that we cannot find a deep and lasting love with someone out there; but the very nature of affairs mean that whatever relationship you build with these people has a foundation of pain and deceit, and I simply no longer believe it's a foundation that can hold through the storms that every marriage must weather.

 

All the best to you, and stay strong on the NC. I wouldn't want to see any woman out there sitting where I am years down the line.

[DKT3]

You are very welcome, Sadgirl. I can wish nothing more for you, with all of my heart, than that your resolve holds firm, and you stay far away from xMM. We all deserve so much better than what we have been given from these men and women, and so much better than what we have given ourselves.

 

I am not so jaded, even now, as to believe that we cannot find a deep and lasting love with someone out there; but the very nature of affairs mean that whatever relationship you build with these people has a foundation of pain and deceit, and I simply no longer believe it's a foundation that can hold through the storms that every marriage must weather.

 

All the best to you, and stay strong on the NC. I wouldn't want to see any woman out there sitting where I am years down the line.

 

Even more than the poor foundation, the issue is affairs involve two relationships challenged people who honestly lack the tools and boundaries to maintain a healthy relationship. It sounds like you're husband is that person.

 

I admire your accountability, don't see much of that around here.

[EmeraldCityGirl]

Firstly ECG, so sorry this is how things turned out for you. You did the right thing by walking away and allowing to re-engage only if he had D papers in hand, which he did.

 

We are all here on this forum searching for answers, hoping for some glimpse of the 'what if'.....well THIS^^^^without a doubt, would have been the 'what if' of my life.

 

There is so much good advice here on LS, but your story is the 2x4 right across the forehead for me.

 

Your post gave me chills. Everything from the longevity of your A, to the twists and turns until you finally had enough. xMM and I, so much the same from not being able to keep our hands off each other, the closeness, intimacy, back and forth, the lies, the love, all that, but in between and so subtle at first, were playful critisisms from him, which gradually got worse (I'm just funning with you he'd say to me) but they escalated almost to the point of abuse. And I'm thinking...did he constantly put down his W the same way he was starting to do to me? Then same thing, it was almost like there was this disdain from him, every thing I did was judged. Couldn't even have a bad day (had to be a happy go lucky mistress every minute of every day) and if I wasn't "on", he turned ice cold on me. Made me pay for "ruining his day".

 

The similarities are eerie. xMM and his W supposedly had the separation talk and he claimed she did not put up a fight to save the marriage. If this conversation did occur, now I see why she may have been ambivilant. Wow.

 

 

I can almost guarantee you, What_Did_I_Do, that he did put down his wife in the same way that he did yourself, and eventually would have blamed his issue on you if given the chance. My husband blamed ALL of the problems in his previous marriage on his then-wife, which should have been a huge red flag for me. She was lazy, without common sense, never spent time with him, a "cold fish" in bed, and on and on. Now, I'm sure, he would say the same things about me. However, I have the benefit of an insider's view of the marriage now, and can see the real root of her "failings". Lazy? Or is it that he is so hyper-critical of the way I do chores, that I have learned to complete them when he is not around? Without common sense? Perhaps NO ONE has "common sense" in this man's mind, as he is constantly criticizing and second-guessing every decision made independently of him. Never spend time with him? That's difficult to do when you are the sole breadwinner for the family, and when you do have free time, he makes himself so damned unpleasant that no one would want to be arround him...

 

You get my point. We don't see inside their homes, their marriages. We take their word for it that their spouses are the source of all the problems in their troubled marriages. Instead of trying to fix these same problems, they go running into the arms of the blissfully ignorant OW, or OM, who will venerate them as the martyrs they pretend to be.

 

With enough years of marriage behind you, your MM would've been pouring out his tale of woe into the ear of his new OW; about what a shrewish harpy of a wife you were, how you don't appreciate him, don't love him, never want to have sex with him. You dodged a bullet there, What_Did_I_Do. Your xMM sounds a lot like my husband. Thank your lucky stars you got away from him, and pity his poor wife.

[EmeraldCityGirl]

Even more than the poor foundation, the issue is affairs involve two relationships challenged people who honestly lack the tools and boundaries to maintain a healthy relationship. It sounds like you're husband is that person.

 

I admire your accountability, don't see much of that around here.

 

 

I am that person, too. I know this, now. When I do finally extricate myself from this ill-advised marriage, I will not be getting into a relationship again until I have done some serious work on myself. I was an active participant in getting myself to where I am today; I can't lay it all at my husband's feet. If I would've had appropriate boundaries, and a healthy self-esteem, I would have dumped his lying ass as soon as I found out he was in a committed relationship. But I didn't. And boy, have I paid for it.

[SoulCat]

I can almost guarantee you, What_Did_I_Do, that he did put down his wife in the same way that he did yourself, and eventually would have blamed his issue on you if given the chance. My husband blamed ALL of the problems in his previous marriage on his then-wife, which should have been a huge red flag for me. She was lazy, without common sense, never spent time with him, a "cold fish" in bed, and on and on. Now, I'm sure, he would say the same things about me. However, I have the benefit of an insider's view of the marriage now, and can see the real root of her "failings". Lazy? Or is it that he is so hyper-critical of the way I do chores, that I have learned to complete them when he is not around? Without common sense? Perhaps NO ONE has "common sense" in this man's mind, as he is constantly criticizing and second-guessing every decision made independently of him. Never spend time with him? That's difficult to do when you are the sole breadwinner for the family, and when you do have free time, he makes himself so damned unpleasant that no one would want to be around him...

 

You get my point. We don't see inside their homes, their marriages. We take their word for it that their spouses are the source of all the problems in their troubled marriages. Instead of trying to fix these same problems, they go running into the arms of the blissfully ignorant OW, or OM, who will venerate them as the martyrs they pretend to be.

 

 

It's only because the timeline and a few small details don't add up, otherwise I could have sworn that you're married to my ex husband....

 

It wasn't until I was out of the relationship for a while that I could see the damage his constant criticism of me had done to my self esteem. It was in tatters.

 

 

The hurt he and his OW caused me back then was indescribable, and it took a lot of time and therapy to get over it.

But when all is said and done, I'm happier without him than I ever was when I was with him.

 

 

I hope you find your happiness again too.

 

Good luck.

[Birdies]

This situation also supports the argument that any two people who form a legitimate relationship after being in an affair, take time to see if the relationship transitions into a new healthy state of being, rather than rushing into marriage. Marrying a year after the divorce seems fast to me. Not to be critical - it just seems like a highly relevant part of the story. I say that as someone who is in a relationship with my former AP; both our marriages ended about one year ago.

 

So are you considering divorce? It doesn't sound like he's a healthy partner.

[What_Did_I_Do]

I can almost guarantee you, What_Did_I_Do, that he did put down his wife in the same way that he did yourself, and eventually would have blamed his issue on you if given the chance. My husband blamed ALL of the problems in his previous marriage on his then-wife, which should have been a huge red flag for me. She was lazy, without common sense, never spent time with him, a "cold fish" in bed, and on and on. Now, I'm sure, he would say the same things about me. However, I have the benefit of an insider's view of the marriage now, and can see the real root of her "failings". Lazy? Or is it that he is so hyper-critical of the way I do chores, that I have learned to complete them when he is not around? Without common sense? Perhaps NO ONE has "common sense" in this man's mind, as he is constantly criticizing and second-guessing every decision made independently of him. Never spend time with him? That's difficult to do when you are the sole breadwinner for the family, and when you do have free time, he makes himself so damned unpleasant that no one would want to be arround him...

 

You get my point. We don't see inside their homes, their marriages. We take their word for it that their spouses are the source of all the problems in their troubled marriages. Instead of trying to fix these same problems, they go running into the arms of the blissfully ignorant OW, or OM, who will venerate them as the martyrs they pretend to be.

 

With enough years of marriage behind you, your MM would've been pouring out his tale of woe into the ear of his new OW; about what a shrewish harpy of a wife you were, how you don't appreciate him, don't love him, never want to have sex with him. You dodged a bullet there, What_Did_I_Do. Your xMM sounds a lot like my husband. Thank your lucky stars you got away from him, and pity his poor wife.

 

His complaints of W were identical..she's lazy, doesn't want to spend time with him, no sex, doesn't cook, doesn't take care of herself, on and on. But as xMM and I progressed in our R/A, and when his criticisms of everyone and everything were constant and continual, I started thinking that his W just may have given up. Nothing pleased him so why bother?

 

And if I said to him "enough" or shut down after the nit-picking, he went cold on me. Said I was ruining the R by arguing with him on everything. If I sat in an exhausted silence, he shut me down. If I countered back, then a massive argument launched and he would walk away. It was a no-win situation.

 

Yes, he would have eventually groomed another OW with how horrible/crazy I was. After all, he did it to me.

 

I was in such a bad place from the ending of my A, but your story helped me see some light. Thank you.

[DKT3]

This situation also supports the argument that any two people who form a legitimate relationship after being in an affair, take time to see if the relationship transitions into a new healthy state of being, rather than rushing into marriage. Marrying a year after the divorce seems fast to me. Not to be critical - it just seems like a highly relevant part of the story. I say that as someone who is in a relationship with my former AP; both our marriages ended about one year ago.

 

So are you considering divorce? It doesn't sound like he's a healthy partner.

 

Time frame is irrelevant....not having the tools to be apart of a healthy relationship is.

 

It's important to understand the the past partner/ex wasn't the reason you had the affair. Understanding your boundaries are poor, and the way you deal with issues is unhealthy, then you can work those issues and have a successful relationship. This and the fact the the 80/20 rule is in play makes affairs turned relationships fail at a higher rate. Not the timeline

[Birdies]

Time frame is irrelevant....not having the tools to be apart of a healthy relationship is.

 

It's important to understand the the past partner/ex wasn't the reason you had the affair. Understanding your boundaries are poor, and the way you deal with issues is unhealthy, then you can work those issues and have a successful relationship. This and the fact the the 80/20 rule is in play makes affairs turned relationships fail at a higher rate. Not the timeline

 

Doesn't have to be either/or. I think both are relevant. The timeline is what takes you from the infatuation / limerance / affair bubble phase into the "this is the real person and how they approach a relationship" phase.

 

Certainly addressing the root causes of why you had an affair in the first place is also an important part of it. I personally wouldn't marry an AP who wasn't also digging deep to figure out and fix those issues, as I am.

[DKT3]

Doesn't have to be either/or. I think both are relevant. The timeline is what takes you from the infatuation / limerance / affair bubble phase into the "this is the real person and how they approach a relationship" phase.

 

Certainly addressing the root causes of why you had an affair in the first place is also an important part of it. I personally wouldn't marry an AP who wasn't also digging deep to figure out and fix those issues, as I am.

 

Timeline is irrelevant if one isn't digging for root cause as to why. The problem as evident on this site is most WS default blame on the BS so digging becomes unnecessary, in thier minds.

 

If one doesn't than 5 months or 5 years it's still a failure waiting to happen.

 

In this case OP is searching for reasons and understand her personal responsibility, while her AP turned husband still blames everyone else ( which is common here)

 

I guess what I'm saying is, within a year OP could have been in position to have a successful Marriage.

[Arieswoman]

Sadly, this reminds me of the old Chinese curse;

 

"May you get everything you wish for"

[HereNorThere]

If they will cheat with you, they will cheat on you!

 

Thanks for sharing.

[divegrl]

Thank you for sharing your story.

 

Years ago, when I unknowingly got into a relationship with a married man, (he was able to lie and deceive me for 6 months), it was one of the most painful times of my life.

 

After I found out, the "what ifs" of our relationship killed me. At the time I thought we had a physical, spiritual, emotional connection unlike no other.

 

Thru your story I'm able to see what would have happened if we had stayed together.

 

I'm so sorry your in pain now. I hope you both are able to learn and grow and lead healthy lives.

 

Hugs my friend

[anika99]

OP, thanks for your update. There was another OW who gave a similar update a while back. Can't remember the user name but she had much the same story as you. Years long affair with the MM going back and forth on leaving. Finally he ended his marriage (or his wife did) and the OW married him. Like you he soon cheated on her. He was controlling, critical and irresponsible. Having spent years in the affair the OW thought she knew him inside and out. She truly believed that any bad behaviour she had seen on his part during the affair was the fault of his marriage and his crappy wife. The only difference between your update and hers is that when she posted hers she had already left him and was in the process of getting a divorce. I hope you get to that spot one day soon. You don't have to stay with him just because you have spent years with him. It's never too late to start over. Everyday is a new beginning.

 

This is a good warning to all women to really pay attention to how a man behaves. I haven't been in an affair but I have been with an abusive man. When I met him I couldn't believe this handsome intelligent articulate man was chasing me. How did I get so lucky and why wasn't he already married? Well he told me. His exwife cheated on him, his next longterm girlfriend whom he had a child with was selfish and never really loved him, the next girlfriend just used him for his money and she probably cheated on him too. They were all terrible women but I was different. I was special and I was the one he had been looking for his whole life. He told me everyday how special and remarkable I was and my fragile insecure ego lapped up every word.

 

Then I moved in with him and that's when the abuse started. Constant accusations of cheating but he was the one who flirted and looked for validation from every woman he met. Told I was selfish but he was the one who was always thinking, talking and living for himself. God forbid I should think about my needs for even one second. I was accused of using him for money and other things but he was the taker, he was the one who irresponsibly spent every dime we had and kept us on the brink of financial ruin. When I left I was sooo mad at myself because I realized he had actually told me everything about himself before I moved in with him. His stories about his exes were huge clues. His propensity to blame his exes, take no responsibility, and to always see himself as the wronged party told me everything I needed to know but I was too busy lapping up his attention and flattery to clue in. Face palm!

 

This thread is a good example of why we need to pay close attention to how people behave. I think some relationships that start from affairs can be successful but usually the MM will move quickly and decisively to end the marriage. He will accept responsibility for his actions and not blame everyone else. He will show remorse for his cheating and still treat his wife with respect and fairness even though he is leaving her. Yes I know there is nothing respectful or fair about cheating ones way out of a marriage but there are still right and wrong choices to make even at that juncture.

 

Good luck OP. You don't have to stay in a miserable marriage forever. I hope the best for you.

[BaileyB]

Hello ladies and gents, it's been years since I posted here (though I read here daily) but I thought this thread deserved an update, if for no other reason than to give those who are still in the midst of an affair some much-needed perspective.

 

If you read the previous posts in this thread, you will know that after many years of heartbreak and rejection, I ultimately married my affair partner. We recently celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary, and I would like to let you all know how my marriage has turned out so far.

 

First, I would like to say that I don't believe anyone has even been more in love than J and I were. Our love was special, destined - I'd never felt anything remotely like it. We could lay in each others arms for hours, talking about our deepest fears, hopes, and desires. We laughed, cried, opened our hearts, were intimate in a way that neither of us had ever been before. It was an amazing, frustrating, exciting, heart-rending experience.

 

So, J divorced his BW, and a year later we married. The first couple of years were wonderful: we couldn't keep our hands off of each other, had sex multiple times a day. We always wanted to be touching, a separation of hours felt infintely longer. But, as most marriages do, eventually ours settled into a less exciting, less passionate routine. We had kids to care for, the fallout of his divorce to deal with, bills to pay. Slowly, the anger I used to see in him when dealing with his ex started to be directed my way. He became less patient with the kids, with me. Spent much of his time yelling. There were times when I felt he truly despised me. I started to pay attention to the personality traits I had been blind to in the heady years of our affair: his almost constant negativity, his need to control, his idealizing me one moment and disparaging me the next. His quick temper, his rages. His willingness to let a woman support him, as much as he protested that it pained him. His lack of compassion for people, for his own children. His high anxiety and stress levels, and his utter unwillingness to do anything about any of it.

 

Three years into our marriage, he had a one night stand with another woman. I was never able to prove it, but I know it happened. Three years...the same distance into his previous relationship that he started pursuing me.

 

So now, I find myself married to a man that I no longer respect, and probably no longer love. The same man I would have died for ten years ago. Ladies, and gentleman, be careful what you wish for. The affair partner you have put on a pedestal in your mind is just a man, just a woman. Flawed. Some far more so than others.

 

I see my husbands ex from time to time; she has long since forgiven me, and has even thanked me for helping her out of a toxic marriage, though the way it was done left much to be desired. She looks happy. She seems stronger, more sure of herself, vibrant. She dates, travels, has actual friends. She spends time with her family, buys herself a dress without fear of the consequences. She is progressing in her career, buying a home, and living her life without a care for the man who tossed her aside. She no longer has that man tearing her down, day in and day out. Now I'm the one on the recieving end of his contempt, he's my cross to bear. I won.

 

This was hard to read. I'm so sorry, I hope that you don't stay in a miserable marriage. Take time to heal and find your strength again. Best wishes.

[Vivir]

Wow. Just wow. EmeraldCityGirl, I just want to thank you for posting your story and providing updates. There are so many points in your posts that I relate to... I cannot speak on them all. But just thank you.. it was hard to read, but your words have helped me so much.

 

Moreover, I am very sorry that your marriage has taken a turn for the worst, but hopeful that you possess the will and strength to see your way out of it. I agree with other posters that Life is much too short to spend it miserable. I wish you the best of luck in this endeavor.

 

Denial is an interesting and serious thing. I have suffered from denial. My cognitive dissonance was so great, that I made myself literally sick.

 

Towards the end of my affair, I started relying more on my instinctual feelings. Despite the beauty and caring *words* of xMM, I couldn't help noticing elements of his character and then having to reconcile what I noticed...

 

Based on what he said, I think he planned on his W leaving him. It made me question (to myself) why she would do that... and I realized that it was entirely possible that he was making her miserable to such a degree that she would ultimately give up and leave.

 

I also noticed that he lied about things when lying was not even necessary, which made me question the other things he might be lying about. At the beginning of the affair, it didn't even cross my mind that he might be a liar!!

 

He cared A LOT about how things LOOK, as opposed to substance. This was antithetical to my own outlook. This made me realize we didn't share specific core values. I am also averse to serious debt. And if the way things LOOK is important, then we have a part to play (we have to look the part, I mean)... he has a large home and two nice cars and he seems to work himself to death to keep everything under control. This equals serious debt.

 

In the end, I realized he was not the one for me, single or not. He had been unavailable from the start, and it was a boundary I should have continued to respect and avoided crossing and then burning down. Of course, such a realization doesn't mean my pain disintegrated... but I digress.

 

I think I was angry at this post when I first read it:

Even more than the poor foundation, the issue is affairs involve two relationships challenged people who honestly lack the tools and boundaries to maintain a healthy relationship. It sounds like you're husband is that person.

 

I admire your accountability, don't see much of that around here.

 

This is something that I am struggling with. I am afraid that my "working on myself" will be fruitless and redundant. Part of my naivete, even, was that I did not understand relationships and had no idea what I might be breaking up or infringing upon when embarking on an affair. I realize this is no excuse, because I *did* understand right from wrong - no matter what society says, I knew right from wrong based on my own ideas about how to treat others... I was being right selfish when embarking on an affair. But...

 

But now I am afraid of being relationship challenged... I have not actually had any "real" romantic relationships to draw my experience from... this makes me angry at those who have had and/or are in such relationships. This anger persists now, and I am recently understanding why I am so angry about it.

 

And then... one such person shows up on the OW/OM board to tell me all about my relationship challenged self! The audacity!

 

On one hand, I am angry and the anger persists, but on the other hand, I REALLY want not to be relationship challenged. Where does a person learn not to be relationship challenged???! Was it childhood? I definitely missed the boat... I guess. Oh, I don't know.

 

Forgive the threadjacking...

[jah526]

On one hand, I am angry and the anger persists, but on the other hand, I REALLY want not to be relationship challenged. Where does a person learn not to be relationship challenged???! Was it childhood? I definitely missed the boat... I guess. Oh, I don't know.

 

I relate to a lot of what you are saying, including your feelings of loneliness on another thread. But maybe we have a bit of the "grass is greener" syndrome. I think a lot of people in relationships aren't particularly good at them either. Case in point, my xAP. He feels trapped in his marriage and refuses to go to counseling with his wife. So he lies and cheats instead. I'd much rather be alone than to be married to someone like that. I'll hold out for a decent man, someone I can trust. And if it never happens, so be it. I have a few good people in my life that I'd walk through fire for, and I know they'd do the same for me, and really, can you ask for much more than that?