Marriage on the rocks

[Jad88]

Ill start with I had a weekend affair with a woman off the internet 4 years ago and spent a few months online with her, she lived 2400 miles away. I am 51 and my wife is 46. Last summer she began finding an interest in someone else that never got as far as sleeping with him. In the fall she was told by her gyno she was in perimenopuse .She admitted things to me and told me she stopped it

 

We got thru xmas just fine but in Jan she changed, saying once again she didnt wanna be here and Jan 27th, we had an argument and she left to stay with her sister. 2 weeks later she was diagnosed with clinical depression and went on medication, celexa. She came home on weekends and every weekend i seen a great improvement in her. A couple of times, usually around pms, she would once again act strange, saying things she liked the attention men gave her, that she didnt wanna be here, wanted to be on her own and so on.

 

She would leave and not stay that weekend.The next day she would come to talk saying shes being childish and promised to stop her shanigans ( meaning sitting with men at work, coffee and so on ).Things were great the whole month of march and she began saying alot of positive things about an us again. This past weekend, fri, sat and sun, she stayed and things were once again great and she said things like she loved the feeling i gave her. She left for work monday morning, i was sick on sunday, and have been for awhile and didnt tell her. Monday i got results from my doctor saying i had early stages of colon cancer.

 

My wife called me at work to ask about the results, i didnt wanna tell her so she came out and met me at the house where she forced to tell me to tell her. She immediately said she was coming home and i said no, i didnt need her feeling sorry for me. She argued that she cared and loved me and wanted to come home to help me. I told her only if she was gonna work on our marriage and she said yes, she was in this for the long haul. We discussed her space she needed, as she has no sex desires and doesnt wanna be smothered.

 

Just like the weekends i said i will not ask for what ur not ready for. She also asked me to let her heal at her pace and on her own. I agreed. Last night she went shopping, picked up her sister and said she be back around 8. At 9 i was concerned and called her sisters and she said she left over an hourago. a 10 minute drive. I called her workplace and she just left there. I asked her and she lied to that she stopped to see our sister in law, when in fact she admitted she ran into a freind ( male) and talked. Same old pattern, we argued and she says its nothin, just a freind.

 

I asked why she moved home and she said she loved me and cared, but doesnt love me the same as she use to, I then said she was here for the wrong reason and we went to separate rooms. This morning, after a bad sleep, we talked again. I told her she needs to commit to both, helping me and finding her feelings again. She said there were things she had to stop doing, as well for me to let her do this her way.

 

Again, she said she loved me and cared for me and assured this has nothin to do with anyone else.Everything i have read about depression makes sense on the most part of the way she is, but if shes not there to make our marriage work then this is not good for me. What should i do. i feel in my heart she loves me, she shows and acts it but when she gets anything upset, she changes. Is this normal.? what can i do to help her if anything..Please help me here Ty Wally

[moimeme]

You can do some more reading on depression and expect that if your wife fits the symptoms, then she's not doing what she's doing out of malice. She's having a bad time of it.

 

You should be sure to take care of yourself. I think you need to change your expectations a bit; you are both dealing with people who are ill. If you can manage to realize that what she said is right; that it will be a while before she's herself again, then you'll reduce the stress on yourself.

 

Don't push her away when she wants to be there for you. That in itself will bring you closer.