Has Anyone Regret...

[MissBee]

Wow does anyone actually end an A based on what others think? I doubt it. Its such a taboo thing in society generally that if you cross the line its because you dont really give a fig what others think you are living by your own code or you were duped or you are really naive.

For those in it eyes wide open by choice I cant believe that you would stop just because of what someone else said. I know I didnt care what anyone else thought about it didnt really ask anyones opinion. Didnt care to discuss it with people who I thought would object.

 

I felt the same!

 

I think it's interesting to note that when you don't want to end it, you avoid anyone who will object....I do that with other things in life too But it's a great point, which goes back to another point I made, which is that a lot of people on LS in As, who have lurked, who have a feel for the board, must know people will object, so on SOME level, they must have their own doubts or else they would be merrily living the A, not bothering to put themselves in any position to catch flack about it.

 

I feel like relationships, As or not, have some of the STRONGEST pulls. We all know that. LS is dedicated to the joys and angst of all forms of interpersonal relationships. In romantic ones, people are ready to go to battle to defend their love, lust etc. "Love is blind" and all those cliches exist because there is a hypnotic nature about romantic love that makes one say, do, see, feel things that may or may not be accurate, but nonetheless love, whether misguided or guided () is a strong force for the one experiencing it.....so I find it VERY hard to believe (from my own experience) that one can be influenced to end any relationship one doesn't, somewhere deep down, want to end. Your mind and heart have to be saying yes on some level, and even ending it temporarily, I think is something that your mind and heart needed you to do, which is why you did it.

 

But I want people who have ended As permanently, who have regrets to share and show a different side to that thought.

[MissBee]

I don't think the seed of doubt can grow unless the soil is fertile.

 

IME, I ended the A a few times before I did it for the last time. All times prior to the final, I wasn't ready and wasn't doing it for the right reasons. I had regrets for ending it hence I went back. When I was really ready, I ended it, and that was that.

It was not due to persuasion from anyone else. I heard and dismissed a lot of what was said on this forum. But there were times when words shared here would come back to me because it fit the situation at hand. Over time, I gained clarity, but not because what was said here fit the situation but because I was becoming more unhappy than happy with the relationship.

In the end, I did it for me, because of how I felt inside and what I wanted out of life. He couldn't give it to me. It was simple.

 

I wouldn't say at all that I've re-written history or demonized the xMM. I did see some things that I was blind to in the heat of the A. I still see good qualities in him and am sad that we ruined what could have been a very good friendship otherwise.

 

Great post! I especially agree with the first sentence.

[fooled once]

Not on the advice of anyone else. But I was only 'approved of' and welcome here by the vocal contingent when I was following the righteous path; NC, understanding the error of my ways, re-writing things to make him look bad.

 

Oh for heavens sake, what is with you and a few others who can't answer a simple question without throwing barbs out? Why?

 

Silly Girl, correct me if I am wrong, but didn't you go NC with your MM for awhile?

 

Did he not file for divorce and is intending to make a future with you now?

 

If yes, then it means two things:

 

The advice forced and action, and

 

You may be one of the very fortunate ones in that this is truly a rare exit affair.

 

Isn't that all to your best interests?

 

Did he file for divorce?

 

I guess SG is trying to say posters at LS made her go NC. I remember it very differently - she came here angry as heck about being played and used by him and dismissed and minimized. She was very angry at him and was taking her own stand on she wasn't going to be played that way. She ranted and vented about him quite a bit...and then she went quiet for a bit and boom, she was back with him - sneaking around. Again, she had to issue demands that he tell his wife and he again let her down, and again and again. Allegedly he has told his wife; and allegedly the wife knows of SG's affair with her husband. Since none of us heard him tell her, we can only go by what he claims; and he doesn't have a great track record of being honest.

[Silly_Girl]

Miss Bee, I have PMs from OW who no longer post who either regret ending it or went back (and before they went back they were presumably a member of your target audience...). Not dozens of them, but these women exist.

 

I don't think you'll find anyone who meets your criteria; because of the spirit of the board, because those women may find it too painful to continue to post here, or maybe they haven't dealt with the feelings of regret. And maybe other reasons. I don't think anyone will answer your call, but not because they don't exist, they do. I find it highly unlikely that many would even believe what I write here, it's too unbelievable, doesn't 'compute'. A lot of people here are so very deeply sure of their truth and their opinions there can BE no debate on this. It would mean acknowledging something that can never be acknowledged. So I think you're on a hiding to nuthin'. And I think you knew that already.

[MissBee]

Miss Bee, I have PMs from OW who no longer post who either regret ending it or went back (and before they went back they were presumably a member of your target audience...). Not dozens of them, but these women exist.

 

I don't think you'll find anyone who meets your criteria; because of the spirit of the board, because those women may find it too painful to continue to post here, or maybe they haven't dealt with the feelings of regret. And maybe other reasons. I don't think anyone will answer your call, but not because they don't exist, they do. I find it highly unlikely that many would even believe what I write here, it's too unbelievable, doesn't 'compute'. A lot of people here are so very deeply sure of their truth and their opinions there can BE no debate on this. It would mean acknowledging something that can never be acknowledged. So I think you're on a hiding to nuthin'. And I think you knew that already.

 

That's unfortunate....I do wish for people like that to come forward.

 

I was imagining it to be like "the one who got away" thing, where they have moved on and are not currently suffering, but look back in regret, that perhaps had they stayed in the A...then....xyz...

 

Did any of them say why they regretted it? Did they feel like LS made them end it or did they end it for themselves and then regret it?

 

I personally, have no "one that got away" story. All my relationships that ended, I wished they hadn't ended, for a time, but with the passing of time, why it didn't work out, shouldn't have worked out and it not being the ultimate, made sense and then I got over it. My last one, the hoping and wishing went on for a whopping almost 2 years, until late last year, early this year, I got over it and now I realize how incredibly ridiculous the whole thing was. I have no desire to be with him and the person I was when with him, no longer exists. Had you asked me this in 2009....different story....a verrry different story.

 

So I suppose in general I cannot relate to ongoing regret or wanting to rewrite the past, in terms of wishing I was still with or hadn't broken up with someone I am no longer with, as life proved to me that it happened for a reason.

[Silly_Girl]

FO, read my posts, because THAT is what I wrote. Your take on my life is purely that.

[Under The Radar]

I wanted to get out of my relationship with a married woman for many years. I did make one concerted effort to break it off after the first year. She asked if we could still be friends and I said it was unlikely we could ever talk to each other again, let alone be friends. She began heavily sobbing when I left only to show up on my door stoop a few days later with tears streaming down her face. I broke down and took her into my arms. I never made any wholehearted attempts to leave after that until she ended it 7 years later.

 

Throughout those 8 years, even though I was incredibly loyal and loving towards, her I was unhappy. I was starting to realize the impact my decision was having on my life and saw our relationship as doomed. She was already married with 2 children and a flourishing career. I was single and thought I could really be hurting my future by staying in a dead end relationship like this. I knew it was unhealthy, but my devotion and passion for her always made me feel guilty. Like I'd be abandoning her to a failed marriage while I ran off with some young girl into the sunset. I knew if it ended we would never see each other for the rest of our lives. That concept has always been brutally painful for me to endure and accept no matter the relationship I was involved in.

 

When it ended I was relieved, but heartbroken. I thought I was going to be in that relationship for the rest of my life. I imagined myself being a 60 year old man and still connected to her when she was 83. I never strayed those 8 years to be with other woman my own age. Funny enough, she came back 6 months later claiming she made the biggest mistake of her life. She cried and begged me to take her back, but I'd had enough time away from her to begin the healing process and gain some perspective on all of those years. It may sound lame, but I was proud of myself for having the strength to move on.

[MissBee]

I wanted to get out of my relationship with a married woman for many years. I did make one concerted effort to break it off after the first year. She asked if we could still be friends and I said it was unlikely we could ever talk to each other again, let alone be friends. She began heavily sobbing when I left only to show up on my door stoop a few days later with tears streaming down her face. I broke down and took her into my arms. I never made any wholehearted attempts to leave after that until she ended it 7 years later.

 

Throughout those 8 years, even though I was incredibly loyal and loving towards, her I was unhappy. I was starting to realize the impact my decision was having on my life and saw our relationship as doomed. She was already married with 2 children and a flourishing career. I was single and thought I could really be hurting my future by staying in a dead end relationship like this. I knew it was unhealthy, but my devotion and passion for her always made me feel guilty. Like I'd be abandoning her to a failed marriage while I ran off with some young girl into the sunset. I knew if it ended we would never see each other for the rest of our lives. That concept has always been brutally painful for me to endure and accept no matter the relationship I was involved in.

 

When it ended I was relieved, but heartbroken. I thought I was going to be in that relationship for the rest of my life. I imagined myself being a 60 year old man and still connected to her when she was 83. I never strayed those 8 years to be with other woman my own age. Funny enough, she came back 6 months later claiming she made the biggest mistake of her life. She cried and begged me to take her back, but I'd had enough time away from her to begin the healing process and gain some perspective on all of those years. It may sound lame, but I was proud of myself for having the strength to move on.

 

I really appreciate your heartfelt response.

 

There's a saying that: "Absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder, but it gives perspective"

 

I love that saying; it's true! I have found that after ending all my relationships, there was a point where all I could think of was resuming it, disregarding all ill and imagining how a reunion would be great, it felt unbearable and like the worst idea, and I seemed unable to think of anything or anyone else besides them. Then time happened....and currently,all my exes are relinquished the graveyard of loves-gone-by. I don't have any hopes of resurrecting the past with them. I hated the phrase "An ex is an ex for a reason" as I felt it was simplistic and bitter...but as time went on...I saw the truth in it (although some bitter people use it). I think when most relationships get to a point where they need to end, it's for a very good reason. Whether the ending is permanent or temporary, seemingly one person's fault or no one's, I find that from the responses here, my experiences and the experiences of friends/family, that most end up coming to peace about it, and it ends up being the right thing versus something they live in perpetual regret about.