Rewriting

[MissBee]

Silly_Girl brought up a interesting idea in another thread:

 

But I was only 'approved of' and welcome here by the vocal contingent when I was following the righteous path; NC, understanding the error of my ways, re-writing things to make him look bad.

 

I'm not really in to the re-writing thing. I can see how it's helpful. I watch friends turn on the memories of a good relationship (I mean a relationship they were previously happy in) in order to reduce the feelings of pain/loss/rejection.

 

I think I started down that route then stopped. I still loved him, had faith in him as a person, didn't hate him.

 

 

 

What's the difference between, from what I am understanding in SG's post, a "false rewrite", where one makes their AP look bad in order to heal and truthfully seeing the relationship/the person's behavior in a different light?

 

Has anyone had the experience of falsely rewriting to make themselves feel better? Did you deep down know you were doing this but did it anyway to mollify your feelings?

 

Is that a temporary defense mechanism that eventually wanes overtime to a more realistic viewpoint as time passes and you gain perspective?

 

For those who are fOW or anyone really who has ended a relationship...what difference in perspective do you have now versus then? Has it been steady or did your views fluctuate? Have you come to a constant now or are you still rewriting? Is it negative, positive, neutral or simply different?

Edited August 12, 2011 by MissBee

[TigerCub]

Hey MissBee

 

I don't think I rewrote what xMM was like.

I knew that the moments we shared were special to me at least.

I know that I loved him.

But I also knew that the R with him was the most painful and destructive R I've ever been in.

 

But... I can still use being at a distance from the situation to see it for what it really was.

 

I was able to really see the lies and the deception and the manipulation (even throughout the relationship). In the beginning it was "OMG, he's so honest with me, he's even telling me that they're separated, but they have a kid together and the door is still open" - wow such honesty!!

 

Then with time, I saw how things didn't add up, etc..

 

And finally it was "WTF?!? he hid a whole other kid from me!! they most likely were never separated?! Did he ever say anything that was even remotely true??!"

 

I don't think I'm painting him in a more negative light, or exaggerating his flaws to get over him.

 

I don't hate him.

I actually feel a little sorry for him, because he is broken and I know what its like to have issues.

I just don't think I ever really knew the real him.

I believe that he wore a lot of masks, some I loved, some really hurt me, some were just a lie.

 

As for telling myself stuff that may be false in order to get past him - I did that.

 

I would tell myself

"He's probably laughing at you with his boys, about how dumb you were to keep investing time in him."

"He never really loved you."

"You meant nothing at all to him"

 

 

I do believe that most of that is a huge lie, and an exaggeration, but I told myself these things just to stop myself from calling him, to stop myself from wanting any contact. It worked!

 

That's just me though

[jthorne]

 

Has anyone had the experience of falsely rewriting to make themselves feel better?

:lmao::lmao:Actually, I did the opposite. Like a complete idiot, I told someone I was going to post here. But because I didn't want her getting involved here (she was pretty nutty) and she couldn't be trusted not to identify me personally, I posted that I had been an OW off and on for a really long time. I knew that would throw her off, because she knew the truth, that I was with him for about a year and a half in college, and then a LD EA for about 4 months before I came here. So really, I rewrote it to make it look much much worse than it really was. I never intended to stick around, so I got stuck with it. Oh well, never bothered me too much because it didn't really matter whether it was 2 years or 2 minutes, it was still the wrong thing to do. (She's passed now, so the danger of that is gone.)

Is that a temporary defense mechanism that eventually wanes overtime to a more realistic viewpoint as time passes and you gain perspective?

 

For those who are fOW or anyone really who has ended a relationship...what difference in perspective do you have now versus then? Has it been steady or did your views fluctuate? Have you come to a constant now or are you still rewriting? Is it negative, positive, neutral or simply different?

Hmmm, well, when I ended it I realized that he was a total turdhead. That opinion has never really changed. However, after some time has passed and other things have happened, I realized that he's a very troubled, broken man. He just acts like a turdhead

[MissBee]

Hey MissBee

 

I don't think I rewrote what xMM was like.

I knew that the moments we shared were special to me at least.

I know that I loved him.

But I also knew that the R with him was the most painful and destructive R I've ever been in.

 

But... I can still use being at a distance from the situation to see it for what it really was.

 

I was able to really see the lies and the deception and the manipulation (even throughout the relationship). In the beginning it was "OMG, he's so honest with me, he's even telling me that they're separated, but they have a kid together and the door is still open" - wow such honesty!!

 

Then with time, I saw how things didn't add up, etc..

 

And finally it was "WTF?!? he hid a whole other kid from me!! they most likely were never separated?! Did he ever say anything that was even remotely true??!"

 

I don't think I'm painting him in a more negative light, or exaggerating his flaws to get over him.

 

I don't hate him.

I actually feel a little sorry for him, because he is broken and I know what its like to have issues.

I just don't think I ever really knew the real him.

I believe that he wore a lot of masks, some I loved, some really hurt me, some were just a lie.

 

As for telling myself stuff that may be false in order to get past him - I did that.

 

I would tell myself

"He's probably laughing at you with his boys, about how dumb you were to keep investing time in him."

"He never really loved you."

"You meant nothing at all to him"

 

 

I do believe that most of that is a huge lie, and an exaggeration, but I told myself these things just to stop myself from calling him, to stop myself from wanting any contact. It worked!

 

That's just me though

 

Hey Tiger!

 

Great post! I think I remember you having a thread about vilifying the AP when I first ventured to these parts, which is a similar thing.

 

I'm laughing at the huge lies and exaggerations as I did that too, and to answer my question, I knew I was doing it. I didn't truly believe it but I did it. Then there were other things that became crystal clear, like a fresh wind blowing in, like wow....this that I thought was this, wasn't this at all!

 

It wasn't necessarily a case of the heavenly light of enlightenment shining down on me in one go. My views or understanding would change or become more developed overtime. I didn't analyze my A much after it ended to be honest. I went out and got rebounds and then afterwards a "real boyfriend". With the breakdown of that relationship, time passing, me learning more about relationships, more about myself, the more women I shared with, forums I visited etc. the more I began to gain language and understanding of things that I either didn't think about or understood differently. A lot turned positive or neutral things into negative things, but mostly a lot of it cleared up confusion and anger and made me think "Ohh...so that's what happened". I still love my former AP and we're cool now, but my understanding of the A and of him is a lot less naive than it was while involved. My views when it just ended were more exaggerated and filled with bile, now they're a balanced mix of seeing him as he is, the good, bad and ugly as well as seeing the situation for what it was, its positives, negatives and take-away lessons.

 

I liken it to being a child and having certain experiences that with your child's mind, you characterize it in a certain way, then as an adult, you think back to certain experiences and it's like OMGGG! When mom and dad went to their room to make noise, they were having sex LOL or some such. Where as a child you had one understanding but with more experience, perspective, knowledge you see certain childhood memories veryyy differently!

Edited August 12, 2011 by MissBee

[Silly_Girl]

Here are some examples (not all from the same friend):

 

In the R: I could definitely learn to love skiing I think, he's got plans for us to go X, Y, Z next year, so romantic!

 

Post R: we had no pastimes in common, it would have got ridiculous.

 

In the R: I love how we give each other space, it's really healthy

 

Post-R: he wasn't attentive, pushed me away when he was stressed, I felt rejected

 

In the R: I like how he gets protective of me with other guys, it's cute!

 

Post R: he was insanely jealous, a nut!

 

In the R: he doesn't need to SAY I love you, he shows it, every day in so many ways

 

Post-R: he never told me how he FELT, I wanted to hear the lovey dovey stuff

 

 

.....and there's stoopid stuff like 'thank god I no longer have to put up with his mum/socks/nose-picking, things which were tolerable or endearing the previous week.

 

I'd be surprised if no one's seen/heard this stuff from a friend/colleague.

[Owl]

I've seen it happen on the MW's side, as well as more times than I can count in threads here and other sites.

 

Case in point...during the affair and right after d-day, my wife was insistent that she'd "not been happy in years". She insisted that she'd been trying to tell me that, that her actions showed it, etc....

 

I went back over our history as hard as I could...couldn't see it. I could see that she'd been unhappy for that year leading up to her A...mostly caused by herself. But for years? Couldn't see it. Nor could the kids, her closest friend, her sister, etc...

 

Once she started to "come out of the fog"...her version of reality and that the rest of us had seen started to match a lot closer.

 

She had a completely different version of what life with OM would have been like than what reality would have permitted for sure as well. She thought the kids would quickly accept him and her choice to be with him, I'd remain her best friend, and we'd be like some kind of big, loving family. Huh??? She completely disregarded the fact that he was a heavy drinker, heavy smoker...and she can't stand alcohol and is very allergic to cigarette smoke.

 

Just too many things to name...but the bottom line was that during the affair, her version of the past and current realities just didn't match those of the rest of us who'd lived them right there with her.

 

It was re-writing of history, and a massively distorted view of the present.

 

And yes...I do believe it was a mental defense mechanism to help her mind and conscience cope with what she was doing.

[MissBee]

Here are some examples (not all from the same friend):

 

In the R: I could definitely learn to love skiing I think, he's got plans for us to go X, Y, Z next year, so romantic!

 

Post R: we had no pastimes in common, it would have got ridiculous.

 

In the R: I love how we give each other space, it's really healthy

 

Post-R: he wasn't attentive, pushed me away when he was stressed, I felt rejected

 

In the R: I like how he gets protective of me with other guys, it's cute!

 

Post R: he was insanely jealous, a nut!

 

In the R: he doesn't need to SAY I love you, he shows it, every day in so many ways

 

Post-R: he never told me how he FELT, I wanted to hear the lovey dovey stuff

 

 

.....and there's stoopid stuff like 'thank god I no longer have to put up with his mum/socks/nose-picking, things which were tolerable or endearing the previous week.

 

I'd be surprised if no one's seen/heard this stuff from a friend/colleague.

 

I wonder if those things can be a paradox, existing at the same time.

 

When my ex and I broke up, I made a list of all the things I didn't like about him. They weren't made up things, they were real, and I did it as a means to realize he was not the end-all, be-all, and for everything I didn't like, I could probably find someone who wouldn't have those things.

 

 

With him, I did the opposite of vilifying, I rewrote to make things seem better or somehow in a crazy way, twist my own feelings! Most poignant example: his sexual behavior was very uncomfortable for me. He was just too much of a free-for-all for my taste. I didn't really like that. Never had but I wanted to be with him, so I convinced myself that I was more open than I in fact was. After we broke up, he tried to ask me for a 3some with his ex wife! I told him I'd consider it...WTF???! I told my bestfriends and they were like, "Are you effing kidding me? He is completely brazen and are you insane?" I convinced them that I did indeed want to do it, he wasn't brazen, he was just ..I don't even know what my excuse was, as I am completely baffled at how insane I was back then In any case, I didn't end up doing it! And I thank God everyday, because it was a product of post-breakup insanity!

 

All his outlandish behavior I excused as him just being scared to love me, him being confused, us being twin flames which brought up difficulties, everything but the fact that he was a narcissist! Every insult, every tear I shed, I rewrote it as an apologetic. I think this is a common thing as well. I have a friend, who has been with the same guy for 5 years who she has complained about for all 5 years, threatened to break up with, discuss how awful he is, and then the next week, when you bring up her own words...she downplays it and somehow everything is "better again" until next week when she cries about how he talks to other women, calls her out of her name and so on...she rewrites her own feelings.

 

I suppose one can rewrite positives as negatives, negatives as positives, and then there is the truth, that if different from the original, isn't a false rewrite, but a rewrite reflecting reality. That is the crux: when is a rewrite false and when is it true or accurate based on more info or perspective? Do we know when we are lying to ourselves about how we're rewriting. I think we do....

Edited August 12, 2011 by MissBee

[MissBee]

I didn't rewrite anything although I've been accused of it, (vaguely of course.) In my case there was nothing left to rewrite as he is/was a liar of monumental proportions.

 

When the ****z hit the fan and I found out how I had been lied to about everything, I went through many emotions. Disbelief, shock, disgust and anger yet there was a fight going on with myself because I had loved the man for a long time. It took a while to realize that who I thought I loved was not who he really was. On some levels I fully realized it, but yet all levels hadn't went to the top floor yet.

 

I even went through a little stage early on while still in shock which I believe is called bargaining. I told myself some bs in order to make some kind of arrangement slightly palatable. Thankfully that stage was short and sweet.

 

In some ways I see myself as fortunate because there are NO lingering thoughts of opportunities lost, no sweet longings for what might have been. Thoughts like that can keep some ow hanging on to a thread for years, as it did me after the 1st time and before the 2nd time. I think the nails in that coffin are cemented in.

 

My hindsight is very clear and I've come to accept many realizations about myself and him.

 

Thanks for this! I particularly like the term bargaining, as it aptly describes what I and my friend did, in terms of negotiating and rewriting things to make them more palatable when it was quite obviously not the case.

 

I too feel fortunate in that I have no "sweet longings of opportunities lost". All my relationships, including the A, were what they were, weren't what they weren't and I don't care about what they "could have been". As there is no way for me to know that and I think every path in life not taken, was for a reason, and it's no use imagining what it would have looked like, as you don't know. I suppose that's where people try to rekindle things with old flames...I think more often than not that doesn't work out as they imagined.

[MissBee]

I've seen it happen on the MW's side, as well as more times than I can count in threads here and other sites.

 

Case in point...during the affair and right after d-day, my wife was insistent that she'd "not been happy in years". She insisted that she'd been trying to tell me that, that her actions showed it, etc....

 

I went back over our history as hard as I could...couldn't see it. I could see that she'd been unhappy for that year leading up to her A...mostly caused by herself. But for years? Couldn't see it. Nor could the kids, her closest friend, her sister, etc...

 

Once she started to "come out of the fog"...her version of reality and that the rest of us had seen started to match a lot closer.

 

She had a completely different version of what life with OM would have been like than what reality would have permitted for sure as well. She thought the kids would quickly accept him and her choice to be with him, I'd remain her best friend, and we'd be like some kind of big, loving family. Huh??? She completely disregarded the fact that he was a heavy drinker, heavy smoker...and she can't stand alcohol and is very allergic to cigarette smoke.

 

Just too many things to name...but the bottom line was that during the affair, her version of the past and current realities just didn't match those of the rest of us who'd lived them right there with her.

 

It was re-writing of history, and a massively distorted view of the present.

 

And yes...I do believe it was a mental defense mechanism to help her mind and conscience cope with what she was doing.

 

 

Excellent post!

 

Our minds are exceptional things and our defense mechanisms are stellar, I must point out. I remember having a conversation with a good friend of mine about my temporary insanity during and after my relationship with my ex. We had a great laugh about it and she brought up something about realizing he was off. I asked her why hadn't she told me, and she said: "You wouldn't have listened. Our brains are good at creating what we want to see and I know there is nothing I would have said that you wouldn't have rationalized, so it didn't make sense".

 

She was right! Now that I am over it, it all seems so clear, but when I was in the midst of it, her opinions would not have been welcome, or politely listened to then tossed to the side. My distortions of reality would have made sense to me and that's all that would have mattered. There is willful self-delusion, where it's not that developed and you have to talk yourself into it, then there is the kind that you really don't realize until afterwards.

 

It's an interesting idea to check your reality with that of those who know you well, who are around you and have no stake in seeing things in a particular way.It was very interesting the fact that your wife's take on things seemed vastly different from yours, your family's, friends etc, all who were around her.

Edited August 12, 2011 by MissBee

[Silly_Girl]

I was with him for about a year and a half in college, and then a LD EA for about 4 months before I came here.

 

I don't think you understood what was meant by 'rewriting', it wasn't about telling lies on a forum but realigning memories and feelings so as to minimise hurt and pain.

 

Good to know the truth though because it explains a lot for me.

[waytogo]

Nice thread starter MissBee

 

I can't say that I re-wrote anything as much as I chose to focus on the things that were his excuses for having an A but not ending the M. For anything that he said about her, that he should only have said to her, there was often a 'soft' compliment about her attached. Wanta guess which I gave most consideration?

 

What I've figured out after separating myself from the sitch is, for all the reasons he said he did want out, he wanted in that M more than he didn't. The why's weren't my problem. My life in semi-hold and deceiving people I love were my problem.

[woinlove]

I don't think you understood what was meant by 'rewriting', it wasn't about telling lies on a forum but realigning memories and feelings so as to minimise hurt and pain.

 

Isn't that just one side to this thread topic? Sometimes one realigns memories and feelings because one sees reality more clearly after the breakup.

 

I take it your friend doesn't really care if her lover says "I love you", but another woman might like to be told ILY and suppress that need or overlook the fact that her lover doesn't because she wants to stay with him. When they break up, she may then realize that was something she put up with, but didn't really like. Same thing with your other examples, some women may really view the man as jealous, not simply protective, but not admit that as a negative while they are together.

 

I think it is not so uncommon to see a former partner in a more realistic light after the breakup, particularly in an A situation, where one may not have been able to live with the partner and saw them in somewhat restricted circumstances during the A.

[Silly_Girl]

JT was talking about using pretend facts, not changing one's perception of an R.