Time to work on me and not the ex, what is this?

[Movingthrough]

Been on the boards a while but spend most of my time in the dating and breakup section. Breakup was about a year ago and while i have made huge progress so far, im starting to notice that the breakup has brought out problems in me more then anything.

 

Because my relationship was LDR, it has had a lot of the typical back and forth during the year we have been broke up. We are both coming up on 30 and the only way i can explain it is two people that were torn apart by distance and the time of the relationship, but every time we talk its busting at the seams and while it may not be enough the spark is still there. That has made me hold on more then normal, because even if its not right i still know "something" is there and to be honest with you guys, she was my first deep crazy love.

 

What this has all done to me though has shown me that in the midst of a new career (very good one too), new area and generally a new life that i have started after all this happened, my main focus has been on everyone and everything else. This is hard for me to admit but i will wake up from a nap in the middle of the day (i have very early days), if its a friday i will start thinking about how "everyone" (usually my ex though) is getting ready for the weekend and im doing nothing or dont even have the weekend off. For some reason none of my focus seems to be on me and doing whatever i want to do. I used to be busy all weekend before my breakup doing sometimes nothing, but i was happy because i dont do the normal bar/club scene etc. so i did what i wanted.

 

I dont know if this is just a confidence hit since the breakup but this has really brought something out in me that screams a problem. I feel like the "healthy" way to live is wake up everyday thinking "im doing what im supposed to be doing" and thats it. Instead i feel almost like im just "doing" instead of living. I dont walk around hanging my head and most wouldnt even notice, but my mind seems to always be on what i "should" be doing.

 

I made a huge life change for this job, and the breakup came the first day of it, so essentially in a place where i was supposed to build a life with someone, i have been alone since the job. This started happening a few months after, and i have tried to not use a rebound to cover up MY issues.

 

Any insight on my issue is appreciated on what this says about me or if anyone has dealt with this..

[Teknoe]

i find if you truly focus on taking care of yourself, physically, mentally and spiritually, things usually turn out a-ok.

 

surround yourself around good, honest, healthy people. healthy people, after all, hang out with healthy people.

 

and smile

[FitChick]

Why not start a goal list? Things you want to see/do/have in one month, one year, five years.

 

If you are a visual person, do what a lot of people do -- on a bulletin board or on a wall, tape pictures of things you want and places to go. You can put up pictures of happy couples where the guy looks like you. I like to cut out positive words and phrases and tape them up, i.e. "Why aren't you here?" "A new year, a new you." "Happiness." It keeps you focused and some say even sets in motion these things to happen.

Edited August 13, 2011 by FitChick

[greenz]

I'm going through a lot of the same things right now as well after the dust has settled following my relationship turmoils in the past year. I'm not sure where I stand. I'm not sure what I should be doing with myself. I'm just sort of meandering. I made a career change as well going back to school full time last year, but now I'm questioning that too. I'm not sure what to turn to and how to get back to the me that isn't overthinking things so much. I'm not sure what the answer is. I think it has something to do with not being happy with where you are exactly. Maybe it's just easier to think about other people, like the ex, because it is a little difficult to face what it is that is wrong with your life and how to fix it. It's a struggle for me right now, but I'm trying to fight those thoughts and focus on myself. That is definitely the right way to go. Focus on yourself and figure things out, even if it is hard. I'm trying to do it, but I'm not sure where I'm going yet.

[greenz]

And I think loneliness is a big part of it. I'm in a new place as well and I don't feel that comfortable or know that many people. I do long for a stronger sense of belonging. I don't really have much right now to fall back on. It is tough times for sure. You've had a life that you built and felt comfortable with and now you're dealing with a lot of change all at once. This is what I see or at least how I'm reading it given the fact that that's how I feel right now. I hope it will pass and that I will start to see things clearer. I hope it will get better for you too. I guess having a good hobby helps or finding a new one. I've been working on that.

[thelovingkind]

First, totally don't feel alone struggling with feelings like these. I have struggled with the "I wonder what x is doing right now, I bet it's more fun than what I'm doing" quandary for years. The trouble is it's the ultimate self-fulfilling philosophy. You worry about they're doing and if they're having more fun, you stop living in your own moment, and therefore your concerns are realised: they are indeed likely having more fun because they're living for their own fulfillment and not worrying about anyone elses. But you can break out of it, definitely.