markiemarcc Posted April 30, 2004 Share Posted April 30, 2004 my wife of 21 yrs who filed for divorce on march 1--and keeps telling me 'i dont love you'-i wanna see what else is out there--im so happpppy now"--well, i didnt contact her for 3 weeks but i couldnt hold out any longer. i called her wednesday and invited her out for dinner--she said, 'i dont think thats a good idea", i said 'thats cool call me if you change your mind" she said ok i said bye--she said bye. Friday--i had something for her--a religious tape (shes big into that) it was about relationships. I called her and asked her to stop by the office--i had something to give her. Well, she showed, and as the discussion commences its back to the same ole same ole--i dont love you--im happy now--im this im that. But why would she bother to stop by????? Why doesnt she just tell me to go to hell and i DONT love you and its NO use, forget it etc etc...why does she stop by as opposed to asking me to mail it, or just plainly hanging up on me if its over? What do you percieve and what should i do now? (ps the divorce has to be final June 28) and she has made no motion to PUSH it along--nor have I with hopes shell change her mind. Should i push it now after all this or is something fishy here? Link to post Share on other sites
deesgirl Posted May 1, 2004 Share Posted May 1, 2004 Did she ever give you a reason for leaving? Link to post Share on other sites
Author markiemarcc Posted May 1, 2004 Author Share Posted May 1, 2004 OH A NUMBER OF EM WE DONT ENJOY THE SAMETHINGS...WE DONT LAF AT THE SAME THINGS ETCETC AND THEN LAST DECEMBER SHE THINKS IM HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH A WORKMATE AND FOLLOWS HER AAFTERWORK ONLY TO LOSE HER WHILE IM OUT GETTING HER XMAS GIFT Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted May 1, 2004 Share Posted May 1, 2004 stop calling her. Link to post Share on other sites
aazarkan Posted May 1, 2004 Share Posted May 1, 2004 I say step back and let things unfold. She came to your work simply because she wanted to see if you were still the person she didn't want to be with. By chasing after her, by tightening your hold, you are really just pushing her away. If you want to save everything, give her what she wants. Every time you are telling and begging her to stay with you, you are really saying "I don't care what you want, I only care what I want." Which ultimately is why she is leaving. If you are agreeable, in a generally positive mood, it will confuse her. Then you wouldn't be the person she doesn't love. How could she dislike someone that wants the same things as her. When she is telling you you have nothing in common, what she is really telling you is you don't care/understand her desires. Think about it. Do you not share any interests because you are unwilling to give an interest that she has a chance. Yes, you can say well she doesn't give anything I care about a chance, so why should I her. Well, this isn't about keeping score first off. And second, YOU want HER back, not the other way around. Ultimately if you want to save things, you have to first give her what she wants, otherwise you are just reinforcing that you don't care about what she wants. Link to post Share on other sites
Author markiemarcc Posted May 3, 2004 Author Share Posted May 3, 2004 over the weekend i went to see her parents--they said she said 'shes 43--wants to start over and may even change careers (after being in the same thing for 20 years). we were always soulmates and closer than anyone... whats in her head? Link to post Share on other sites
Gatsby Posted May 3, 2004 Share Posted May 3, 2004 Let her go. Not in an angry "Fine, I don't need you" sort of way, but unconditionally. You can't fix the problem unless she will tell you what her real needs are. You've tried to reconcile but she continues to say no way. There is no reasoning with that. Believe me, I tried. Next time you talk to her tell her that you understand she is where she feels she needs to be right now. The relationship is not where you want it to be and your choice is to make it work. Make sure she understands that word choice. Tell her you won't stand in her way but she is going to have to make all the decisions regarding her choice. The choice to end your marriage. Don't fight her(Unless the money becomes an issue-Don't be stupid either), Don't get bitter, just assure that the love you feel for her is available. All she has to do is ask for it. Even if she chooses to continue on with the divorce, offer that unconditional love until the papers are signed. I have had a sense of calm and peace since I did this last week. I got tired of wasting something I saw as so precious for no reward. I know I can't just let it go, turn off a switch, but I don't have to throw it away. Save it for her if she chooses to make it work or save it for the next one. Either way, take control of the one thing you can in this situation-how you choose to respond. It's her game on her field. You might as well give her the ball. Link to post Share on other sites
Author markiemarcc Posted May 4, 2004 Author Share Posted May 4, 2004 ONE COMMON DENOMINATOR IN ALL OUR TALKS--SHE KEEPS SAYING--SELL THAT BUSINESS BEFORE IT KILLS YOU. I TOLD HER I WOULD--MOVE US BACK DOWN SOUTH WHERE SHE LOVED IT SO...GOES IN ONE EAR OUT THE OTHER. IF SHE WANTS OUT WHY WOULD SHE CARE WHETHER I SOLD IT OR NOT--MUCH LESS WHETHER IT KILLED ME OR NOT? Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted May 6, 2004 Share Posted May 6, 2004 I know I can't just let it go, turn off a switch, but I don't have to throw it away. Save it for her if she chooses to make it work or save it for the next one. Either way, take control of the one thing you can in this situation-how you choose to respond. It's her game on her field. You might as well give her the ball. very well said Link to post Share on other sites
Author markiemarcc Posted May 6, 2004 Author Share Posted May 6, 2004 yes but what about the constant yelling to sell the biz--why should she care? Link to post Share on other sites
Gatsby Posted May 6, 2004 Share Posted May 6, 2004 Don't do it. Repeat - DO NOT make any major decisions regarding your life while the situation is in this state. I just got done with six months of seperation where I was prepared to alter my life considerably regarding my work and home situations. All the time she continued to send out hints were going fine. We made plans for the house, me going back to school at the risk of my job, etc. Hell, we (I) even bought new furniture a month before our final "decision". Mind you, not all the changes were for the worse. I did need to alter some of my behaviors and get my motivation back. That's the primary focus. Work on looking at yourself an seeing the changes you need to make yourself a better person. If you need to address how much time you spend at work and devote more attention to her then sit down and try to talk to her about it. The business is not the problem. I wouldn't do anything that big unless she was willing to come back and make a commitment to the relationship. The way she sees it now, she can have her cake and eat it to. She wants to alienate herself from you but still control what you do and think. Once again, the business is not the issue, it's about control. Keep a level head and don't beat yourself up trying to make sense out of a senseless situation. I tried, doesn't work. Hang in there and good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
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