Severely Unamused Posted August 12, 2011 Share Posted August 12, 2011 (edited) First off, this is purely for my own personal pragmatism, and not just mere curiosity. So, that's just something to keep in mind. -Anyways, for the APs and MPs, what plans and discussions did you and/or your partner have in the event of a d-day or near d-day, if any? -How did/would/will you have dealt with the fallout? Would you be honest to the BS? Would you lie to the BS? Would you get the hell outta dodge with a suitcase full of money? That line of thinking... Edited August 12, 2011 by Severely Unamused Needs more commas. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted August 13, 2011 Share Posted August 13, 2011 (edited) First off, this is purely for my own personal pragmatism, and not just mere curiosity. So, that's just something to keep in mind. -Anyways, for the APs and MPs, what plans and discussions did you and/or your partner have in the event of a d-day or near d-day, if any? -How did/would/will you have dealt with the fallout? Would you be honest to the BS? Would you lie to the BS? Would you get the hell outta dodge with a suitcase full of money? That line of thinking... Funnily, I never really thought of a dday while I was in the A, never planned for it, we didn't discuss it and one didn't occur (well not one that involved me anyway). Had we consciously discussed this, I would have been even less likely to persist with the affair, as that sort of planning would have devalued the relationship in my eyes and made it seem even more abnormal. I never felt an allegiance to him, in terms of feeling like I had to lie for him. I also felt no need to lie for myself, so had I been contacted I would have been truthful, depending on how she approached me. I may feel like I need to talk to him first (not to coordinate lies together but to let him know she has contacted me and wants to talk....I can just see him shytting his pants at that ). At this point, with no prior plans to lie and gaslight, I'd have to consider if I still wanted the A, as my telling the truth may very well upset him and lead to the end of it all. Back then, would I have wanted him so much that I would panic and choose to lie? Perhaps I would. I don't know. But I know for a fact I would be severely upset and feel devalued if I had to lie to her and I can just imagine feeling lower than low if he then thanked me for the lies, told me to keep low for a while so that we could keep things up . I wouldn't be able to look at him or the situation the same after an incident like that. An unplanned dday would have probably ended the whole thing for me. The drama and stress would lead me to throw in the towel. Edited August 13, 2011 by MissBee Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted August 13, 2011 Share Posted August 13, 2011 First off, this is purely for my own personal pragmatism, and not just mere curiosity. So, that's just something to keep in mind. -Anyways, for the APs and MPs, what plans and discussions did you and/or your partner have in the event of a d-day or near d-day, if any? -How did/would/will you have dealt with the fallout? Would you be honest to the BS? Would you lie to the BS? Would you get the hell outta dodge with a suitcase full of money? That line of thinking... There was a dday in my situation. His wife called me. I had a 20 minute conversation with her. I didn't sugar coat anything (shocking, huh??) I would never lie to her, what good would that do? I know some will proclaim "it isn't my job to be honest with her" or state how they had to 'protect' the MM ... why? He obviously didn't protect you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Severely Unamused Posted August 13, 2011 Author Share Posted August 13, 2011 (edited) Well, that's the thing. I've tried contacting my H's OW (they're most likely staying together). No reply. I'll try again one or two more times, but I know that it is probably a futile effort. Presumably, she is protecting him, her, or both of them, and this is all part of their plan. Obviously she has no obligation to talk, but completely shutting me out is a pretty cold thing to do. Suppose I'll just have to move on. Edited August 13, 2011 by Severely Unamused Link to post Share on other sites
Author Severely Unamused Posted August 13, 2011 Author Share Posted August 13, 2011 I'm sorry su. Do you know what he has told her about you and your marriage? Is it lies? Judging from the messages I've read, he's been more honest with her than with me. I can handle him "replacing" me, but c'mon. Why the need for a labyrinthian plan that's been going for months, with me being left in the dark? Just seems sick. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Severely Unamused Posted August 13, 2011 Author Share Posted August 13, 2011 I think some men get a high from pulling one over on people. I think that some definitely do. Perhaps it is the aspect of control. Who knows. With my husband, I don't think that he is being purposefully cruel. But he's acting like a damned mystery right now. Men... Link to post Share on other sites
SoMovinOn Posted August 13, 2011 Share Posted August 13, 2011 We've talked about it. We have discussed plans - the main part being getting her out of there to eliminate the potential for violence. Depending on her BH's response, the options are everything from simply somewhere else to stay to getting her out of state and her disappearing completely off the RADAR. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Severely Unamused Posted August 13, 2011 Author Share Posted August 13, 2011 I'm sure he realizes on some level he has done something really terrible to you but yet he is rationalized it and justified it somewhere in his head. He probably feels guilty but doesn't want to admit it. D-day wasn't too long ago (another thread goes into more detail). He didn't attempt to defend his actions or throw anything back at me, which I found...unusual, I guess. What he said that it came down to, was that he felt aimless and trapped. What is he saying to you about it? Is he saying he wants a divorce? He doesn't know what he wants, other than time and space to think it over. Which he has. getting her out of state and her disappearing completely off the RADAR. I'll keep that one in mind. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Severely Unamused Posted August 13, 2011 Author Share Posted August 13, 2011 It sounds like he wants to keep things as they are, fence sitting. Push him off when you are ready. It's not fair to you that he puts you through hell while he figures it out/cake eats. I've made it pretty clear that if he leaves and later changes his mind, there's a very good chance that I won't be there for him. I'm moving on without him. So, I hope he won't later regret the choices that he has made. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted August 13, 2011 Share Posted August 13, 2011 No discussion at all about a D-day. For a while he was half-hoping she would find out to save him a job and he felt she would cope best if she had some sort of control over what ensued. But even when he told her there was no reaction and she's left each stage to him because she wants him back and for a long time was convinced it would all blow over. And yes, I would be honest with her and have been honest with her. There might be some things I would not labour so as not to be crass, but I'd have no issue with communicating the facts. Link to post Share on other sites
Summer Breeze Posted August 13, 2011 Share Posted August 13, 2011 First off, this is purely for my own personal pragmatism, and not just mere curiosity. So, that's just something to keep in mind. -Anyways, for the APs and MPs, what plans and discussions did you and/or your partner have in the event of a d-day or near d-day, if any? -How did/would/will you have dealt with the fallout? Would you be honest to the BS? Would you lie to the BS? Would you get the hell outta dodge with a suitcase full of money? That line of thinking... We had quite a few ddays but we never discussed any strategy about them. When we started the A I told him that I would never lie to her and I would never sneak around and I would never lie or do anything to protect him from being found out. From that he knew full well that if she ever contacted me she'd be told the truth and she was every single time. You said something about them being together and him probably staying. I don't know your story so sorry if I'm off base. I do think that if he head every chosen to leave the M on a dday and he was moving to ending it I probably wouldn't have spoken to her. I don't know but that's my initial thought. Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted August 13, 2011 Share Posted August 13, 2011 Judging from the messages I've read, he's been more honest with her than with me. I can handle him "replacing" me, but c'mon. Why the need for a labyrinthian plan that's been going for months, with me being left in the dark? Just seems sick. That's cruel, and if he isn't usually so cruel, perhaps it is part of being wrapped up in a secret A, a bit disconnected from reality, and plotting a future without really thinking about the impact on you and your son. Sorry that you are being treated this way, su. To answer your original question, I only talked to the BS after they were separated and the divorce was almost final and she mainly wanted to vent at me and tell me he was still having sex with her (that was news to me). I was honest with her, but I also left him shortly after, so I wasn't in a "protect him or us" mode. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Severely Unamused Posted August 13, 2011 Author Share Posted August 13, 2011 You said something about them being together and him probably staying. I don't know your story so sorry if I'm off base. I do think that if he head every chosen to leave the M on a dday and he was moving to ending it I probably wouldn't have spoken to her. I don't know but that's my initial thought. What I'm worried about, is that my husband sounds like he feels more strongly about her than she does with him. I think he is just setting himself up for a very big fall. What I gathered from the messages, is that the OW was only looking for a "part-time" relationship, like some of the situations described here. Basically, having fun without any sort of commitment. I'd assume that having him actually leave for her, was not something that she wanted. That's cruel, and if he isn't usually so cruel, perhaps it is part of being wrapped up in a secret A, a bit disconnected from reality, and plotting a future without really thinking about the impact on you and your son.Actually, there is very little plotting on his end, at least compared to me. Which is why if it came to a divorce, I would most likely have the advantage. I think that he knows precisely what he is doing. And he knows that there won't be a happy ending. Link to post Share on other sites
Snowflower Posted August 15, 2011 Share Posted August 15, 2011 It sounds like he wants to keep things as they are, fence sitting. Push him off when you are ready. It's not fair to you that he puts you through hell while he figures it out/cake eats. There are several bs's here that can really help you. Owl, seren, snowflower, spark, etc. They took charge, which is probably what you need to do. It's YOUR life, don't let him sitting on the fence suck you dry. Card carrying member of the men suck club here. LOL Well most of them. BB, thank you for the compliment but the BS on this thread is so much stronger and less shell-shocked than I was after dday! SU, decide what is "the point of no return" for you and stick to it no matter what. Your H might get a reality check shortly as to the magnitude of his F*** up and regret his choices. Regret is not the same as remorse. He might then attempt to return to you. What will you do if this happens? No need to tell us, but food for thought! Link to post Share on other sites
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