Why do I feel so stuck?

[RecordProducer]

My mom and my ex-husband told me recently that I'm obsessed with him (my ex-H) - which is true, unfortunately. But that's just one brick in the wall. I am just not happy with what I have now. I love America, but I hate this city. I so want to move away from here. I have one more year of law school, but then I'll have to take the stupid bar exam in the state where I intend to live and practice. I've neglected all my artistic talents. I need a man. I desperately need a man, not because I'm half a person without one, but because I'm a normal woman who needs love and I hate to see my youth passing by without someone to love me.

 

I am of the people who takes upon challenges and wants to change the world, but I burn our when my paths are blocked for a long time. I re-invent stupid goals like getting my ex back - and I don't even want him. The irony is I feel like I want him but I know he's not good enough for me, I know he can't give me any of the things I need in life, I know he's a sick person who is constantly trying (with much success) to hurt me. And my pre-teen sons idolize him to the point where they approve of and accept everything he says and does, which makes me feel like he alienated my children from me. And they made me promise them I'd never separate them from him, which basically means I have to stay in this area for another decade - OR move away and hurt them.

 

My mom moved in with me recently from another country, and she's been a great support but she is so dedicated and devoted to helping me move on that I feel bad for her. I just want to jump out of my skin and have a different life. I know exactly what I want in my life, but it's just not happening. I can change my attitude and be more optimitic, but it won't change the fact that I've been waiting for happiness in love my whole life and I keep hooking up with the wrong guys (although I've had just a few).

 

I'm 36 years old and I am obsessing over some sociopathic 54-year old ex-husband who is now dating an ex-convict. What on earth would someone like me have in common with someone like him? He was a disaster of a husband. My mom says it's a hurt ego thing (he dumped me). I think it's boredom. Seriously. I don't have anyone else, so I guess it's more fun to suffer over the wrong guy than to daydream of the right guy.

 

Any advice?

Edited August 13, 2011 by RecordProducer

[jerbear]

It sounds like you are as marketers say "stuck in the middle."

 

Your mom is correct about the bruised ego. It is not easy to be rejected. Even I think of my ex's and now spend time with a ex. I totally sympathize.

 

I think what you need to do is (re) set your goals. You have one year of law school left so have you looked into internships, visited other cities, took a job, etc...

 

I do agree there are not a lot of jobs in the city you live in that really cater to your dreams, skills, and desires. There is a art scene but it is not LA type and the industry is no where near LA, Nashville, or whatever's level.

 

 

Being stuck another decade and being 46 when you do start will not be good for you career. You will forever resent your actions and/or your kids, if they don't' meet your expectations.

 

I think you will still do fine when you finish your law degree. I know which city and state you live in so I suggest taking the bar in your state and California. You can maintain two practices and specialize. You might have both your kids around and work on your artistic abilities.

 

I think you can do both law and artistic things NOW.

[KathyM]

Start dating other people. Make a conscious effort to get yourself involved in things where you can meet other men. Maybe consider doing the online dating websites. The best way to forget about the X is to engage in your future, and work on establishing a new relationship.

[PelicanPete]

I don't think you really need another man, but the person you are now needs one because having a man in the picture is a major part of the equation. Because of this, you're trying to continue down a road that has hit a dead end. In order to push forward towards your dreams and ambitions, you need to take a detour.

 

You can't continue to grow as the person you were when you were with your ex H, because your ex H was a large part of the equation of who that person was. Your mind already knows this and is trying to get you to piece it together with thoughts like:

I love America, but I hate this city. I so want to move away from here.

I just want to jump out of my skin and have a different life.

 

This thought in particular is the most evident of my theory:

I re-invent stupid goals like getting my ex back - and I don't even want him.

 

You're reinventing that goal because that is what this personality is missing. The puzzle that you have constructed to identity yourself is missing a piece [your ex h], and you will never feel complete without it.

 

My advice to you is to stop following your daily routines so that you stop thinking the same routine thoughts. If you can't find time to make big changes in your life, start making small changes. Take different routes when commuting, make something different for dinner, listen to some different music, start a new hobby, make time for art, something along those lines. The thought patterns you currently use have run their course and you aren't going progress any further with them. I'm not wanting you to replace the entire structure that makes you, but just listen to yourself and do what your mind craves. Its looking for any sort of change of pace so that it can grow and progress. All you have to do is give it something different to work with, and time will do the rest.

[RecordProducer]

I do agree there are not a lot of jobs in the city you live in that really cater to your dreams, skills, and desires. There is a art scene but it is not LA type and the industry is no where near LA, Nashville, or whatever's level.

Thanks for your response, Jerbear. It's not music that I want to pursue as a career. I do want to be a lawyer, but I also want to keep msuic as a hobby. I would have loved to go to Karaoke bars with a lover and a bunch of friends, but I am NOT going to one with some girlfriend. I just want to be who I am. These days I am living a life of a psychopath, the kind that can't stop obsessing, so goes and kills someone and then himself! Just kidding. OK, I cut myself some slack cuz this is the first time I am seeing my ex with another woman - and he is doing it in front of the kids, which hurts even more.

 

Start dating other people. Make a conscious effort to get yourself involved in things where you can meet other men. Maybe consider doing the online dating websites. The best way to forget about the X is to engage in your future, and work on establishing a new relationship.

I agree a new love wipes off the old love pain. The problem is when I do make an effort to meet other men, I end up meeting no one and then I feel even worse. Guys hit on me but that doesn't make me feel good if I am not attracted to them. I am doing the online dating sites thing. No luck.

[RecordProducer]

PelicanPete,your response was so inspiring!

I don't think you really need another man, but the person you are now needs one because having a man in the picture is a major part of the equation. Because of this, you're trying to continue down a road that has hit a dead end. In order to push forward towards your dreams and ambitions, you need to take a detour.

 

You can't continue to grow as the person you were when you were with your ex H, because your ex H was a large part of the equation of who that person was. Your mind already knows this and is trying to get you to piece it together with thoughts like:

 

 

 

This thought in particular is the most evident of my theory:

 

 

You're reinventing that goal because that is what this personality is missing. The puzzle that you have constructed to identity yourself is missing a piece [your ex h], and you will never feel complete without it.

But this whole part I didn't really understand what you were aiming at. Can you please clarify/elaborate?

 

The next half was the inspiring one.

 

My advice to you is to stop following your daily routines so that you stop thinking the same routine thoughts. If you can't find time to make big changes in your life, start making small changes.

I like this a lot. I'll have to think about what little changes I can make.

 

Take different routes when commuting, make something different for dinner, listen to some different music, start a new hobby, make time for art, something along those lines.

I'll think of something. Plus, school will start soon so I will be very busy.

 

The thought patterns you currently use have run their course and you aren't going progress any further with them. I'm not wanting you to replace the entire structure that makes you, but just listen to yourself and do what your mind craves. Its looking for any sort of change of pace so that it can grow and progress. All you have to do is give it something different to work with, and time will do the rest.

Excellent! I'll try that.

[PelicanPete]

PelicanPete,your response was so inspiring! :bunny:But this whole part I didn't really understand what you were aiming at. Can you please clarify/elaborate?

 

Sorry I'll try explaining it differently.

 

I'll use the example of my relationship. When I was in a relationship with my ex gf, I identified myself as being person "y". Person y was well and fine, but a large component that made me person y was that I was in a relationship. When me and my ex gf broke up however, I became extremely depressed because I was still seeing myself as person y. When my relationship died person y died with it because he could no longer function without being with my ex gf. That identity had ran its course and I could no longer grow, and it was time for me to move on. Gradually I started changing from being person "y" into person "z" by developing new habits [action determines thought], and I eventually settled into being person z. Person z evolved from person y and is now able to grow and progress without having a relationship.

 

If you try to stay the same person as you were when you were married to your ex H, you will never get over him. By living day to day doing the exact same things as you did as when you were married will only cause you to miss him. You need to start finding new ways to identity yourself so that you can continue forward.

 

Hopefully that makes what I previously said make more sense

Edited August 13, 2011 by PelicanPete

[marlena]

Hi RP,

 

I am so glad your mother is there with you.

 

Obsessing about an ex is to a certain measure quite normal. What makes things even worse is when the ex is seeing someone and you aren't. This is where you have to be very strong and clutch on to your independent thinking fiercely. If you are not ready to date, then, don't but making new girlfriends, no matter how reluctantly at first, will give you support, empower you and help you get through this difficult time. Not to mention that it could be great fun.

 

If I were you, I would make big changes. The first would be to move faraway from him. Seeing him is only adding oil to the fire. Your kids might not understand now but one day they will. IMO, you should not involve yourself in his life at all. If you can't move now, stay away from him. Keep him out of your range of vision. If possible, do not even talk to him. Your kids are old enough to see him on their own.

 

And, yes, it is a bruised ego. This you have to learn to let go. You have already recognized his unhealthy flaws, so this should not be so hard to do. You were not rejected. His "illness" got in the way of a good, viable relationship. That's all. He probably has a string of relationship failures behind him and more to come in the future. It is not you. It is he who has the problem.

 

Unless, you, too, feel responsible for the demise of the marriage. That's another story and one you have to look deep and hard into yourself to admit and come to terms with. In all relationships, both parties share the responsibility but usually one party is way more responsible than the other.

 

Honey, have you tried yoga? It helped me enormously once. Perhaps it can help you, too.

 

Hugs my dear friend,

 

M

Edited August 13, 2011 by marlena

[RecordProducer]

Thanks, PP. My dear Marlena, I don't care about him anymore - not at all. The only thing that worries me now is that he has the kids and he alienated them from me. I will post about it when I have some strength to do so. Right now I don't even want to live, but I have to focus on school. He's a POS I wish I never stepped into.

[Minnie09]

You're probably obsessing, because you want him to change and admit that it was him who caused the marriage to fail. You want him to understand who he is and what he's done. However, not only is he not introspective enough to do so, he also plays super-buddy for your sons who adore him. That sucks. It would make anybody obsess.

 

I agree to a certain extent that you won't let go before there's somebody else in the picture who distracts you so you can replace your ex. Thing is, it never happens when we need it the most. You have to rely on yourself.

 

Keep the online dating going - it won't do any harm. Focus on your school. Soon you'll be back there, studying hard, but also exposed to a lot of guys who share the same goal. That's not a bad place to be if you're looking for possible dates.

 

Good luck!

 

P.S.: I used to love reading your posts. I admire your strength and what you've done with your life so far.

[RecordProducer]

You're probably obsessing, because you want him to change and admit that it was him who caused the marriage to fail. You want him to understand who he is and what he's done. However, not only is he not introspective enough to do so, he also plays super-buddy for your sons who adore him. That sucks. It would make anybody obsess.

 

I agree to a certain extent that you won't let go before there's somebody else in the picture who distracts you so you can replace your ex. Thing is, it never happens when we need it the most. You have to rely on yourself.

 

Keep the online dating going - it won't do any harm. Focus on your school. Soon you'll be back there, studying hard, but also exposed to a lot of guys who share the same goal. That's not a bad place to be if you're looking for possible dates.

 

Good luck!

 

P.S.: I used to love reading your posts. I admire your strength and what you've done with your life so far.

Awww, that's so sweet of you, Minnie. You know... In the past two days, I just totally stopped loving my ex. I don't even hate him or anything. I just want to take my kids and get the hell out of this city. I am contemplating SF but now I'm reading about the crime rate (I am prepared for a lower standard of living). Maybe I'll pick NYC. I've been living in Philly for the past five years and I hate everything about it. I can transfer next semester and stay in the city of my choice, look for a job, build a new life... I hope I stay this indifferent toward my ex-H. It's such a relief: the pee is let go. I just need to collect my two little bunnies from that awful man.

[marlena]

Thanks, PP. My dear Marlena, I don't care about him anymore - not at all. The only thing that worries me now is that he has the kids and he alienated them from me. I will post about it when I have some strength to do so. Right now I don't even want to live, but I have to focus on school. He's a POS I wish I never stepped into.

 

RP, I can't stand hearing you talk this way. Of course you want to live. Not only for your kids but for the wonderful things that are destined to happen to you once you truly let go of this toxic relationship. Please don't despair. Once you truly let go, your life will take a turn for the better. I know. I've been where you are. You know that. It was hard getting out, emotionally and literally, but it was worth the struggle because I almost immediately found myself in a much better place. You can, too. Distance yourself, honey, no matter what it takes. That's what helped me. Out of sight, out of mind.