Have you ever heard back?

[PattyPanLillies]

My friend just ended an affair with a married man with kids. I'm positive it was just sex on his part, but she thought it to be much more. I tried to warn her, but I guess when you think you are in love you don't want to listen to anyone.

 

Well, the other day he gave her the "I need to make it work for the kids" line, and she of course was devastated. I am sure she will wallow around for a few weeks before coming out of the funk, but it got me wondering about something.

 

For those who have had affairs with someone with kids, and they have given you the " i need to work it out for my kids" line, or even "i'm trying to make my marriage work" line Do you ever hear back from that person, whether it be months, weeks or years and they make contact just to tell you they finally got divorced? And i don't mean they contact you to tell you they ended it and want to get back with you, just a general " I'm getting divorced"?

 

I think this guy was on a second marriage anyway, so the odds are against him, I was just curious if people actually do make a marriage work after affairs, or do they eventually end?

[RecordProducer]

It's not a "they" thing, some do, some don't. What's your role in this whole situation? You know your friend wants to hear anything but it was just sex. In fact, you don't know that. Relationships rarely happen just for sex and nothing else. The problem is that he dumped her, so even if he loves her, he is not the "prince" who left his wife and kids for her... if you can call that happiness at all. I wouldn't make any assumptions as to what the odds are either. The best way to handle any situation is to play with the facts you have in your hand. If she decides to wait to hear back from him, let her wait. When we wait for something for too long, it either comes or we get up and leave. She should move on and act like he never existed. If he comes aorund, good for her. If not, she won't waste her time on a cheater.

[Gentlegirl]

Xmm walked away from me 8 months ago. After d-day he fed her the bull**** about somebody having a crush on him at work.

 

He fed me the bull**** about making things right in his marriage and he didn't wish to cause me any furhter grief!

 

He saw his secure comfy little life was threatened and went into damage control.

 

No I have never heard from again but Ido know he tried to pick up a friend of mine on a dating website two weeks after he dumped me... must have made things right with the W and jumped straight back in there.

 

I would be horrified to ever hearfrom him again.

 

Gentlegirl

[fooled once]

There are several former betrayed spouses here who have recovered their marriages after their spouse had an affair. They have healthy marriages today.

 

IMHO, men who use the "for the kids" line it is just a line used so they can dump the OW. They weren't worried about their kids when they were in the affair, but they become a convenient excuse to end the affair.

 

I heard from the MM several times after *I* ended it. Finally had to have my H (the man I dated and married after I ended the affair) tell him to leave me the hell alone.

[Tenacity]

Most of the time they don't get divorced. Ever.

 

My MM too used the "kids" excuse although they are all in their 20's.

 

I have heard from my ex-MM many times since HE broke it off with me. He wants to be "friends". He still tries to contact me daily. It has been many months since the relationship ended.

[NoIDidn't]

Some do, some don't. My experience with committed men coming back, though, is that they usually do with some excuse or another and even more limitations on their availability.

 

Because they gave an excuse the last time, they figure they can add more on top of it and see if you will go for it.

 

Your friend should hope he doesn't come back. It doesn't get better when they do.

[fooled once]

Most of the time they don't get divorced. Ever.

 

My MM too used the "kids" excuse although they are all in their 20's.

 

I have heard from my ex-MM many times since HE broke it off with me. He wants to be "friends". He still tries to contact me daily. It has been many months since the relationship ended.

 

Stay strong Tenacity!!! Don't read his emails and tell him to leave you the f alone!

[TurboGirl]

No. Your friend's MM probably had enough sex for a while, or was feeling "tied down" by your friend and either has someone else on the side already or is looking.

 

Just my personal experience talking here.

[PattyPanLillies]

It's not a "they" thing, some do, some don't. What's your role in this whole situation? You know your friend wants to hear anything but it was just sex. In fact, you don't know that. Relationships rarely happen just for sex and nothing else. The problem is that he dumped her, so even if he loves her, he is not the "prince" who left his wife and kids for her... if you can call that happiness at all. I wouldn't make any assumptions as to what the odds are either. The best way to handle any situation is to play with the facts you have in your hand. If she decides to wait to hear back from him, let her wait. When we wait for something for too long, it either comes or we get up and leave. She should move on and act like he never existed. If he comes aorund, good for her. If not, she won't waste her time on a cheater.

 

 

I play no role in this at all. Just a friend of someone who is currently hurting due to this. I was just curious if married men and women who end affairs really make their marriages work, or if it's an excuse to get rid of the person they are having an affair with, or if attempting to fix the marriage, does it end up in divorce anyway. I don't know if my friend is hoping to hear from him again or not, I don't know if he made contact with her in the future she would or would not go running back, again I was curious if the marriages go on or if they eventually end, but I guess everyone is different and if a person really wanted it to work it would, and if they didn't it wouldn't.

[Seraph1]

Not looking at my own situation... I would have to say that the three marriages I have seen stay together AFTER a long-term affair are very sad and empty.

 

One of my male cousins deeply regrets 'doing the right thing' by trying to make his marriage work. He says that he lost the love of his life (his OW) for the sake of feelings of guilt towards a wife that he had married too young and grown to far apart from. He chose not to contact his former OW out of respect for her. He doesn't want to hurt her anymore but he has a photo of her on his desk at work and one in his wallet. It has been 2 years since he ended his affair.

 

He does not have a marriage or a life IMHO. His wife is aware that he no longer loves her, she doesn't particularly mind... she wanted the paycheck and 'I may not want him but sure as hell no one else is going to have him' is a direct quote she said to me at Christmas.

 

One of my former bfs is married to a serial cheater and that is probably the most unhappy marriage I have seen in my life. She married him while being having a long-term A with someone else. He moved to another city for work...she didn't want to move because she would miss her 'friends' so they ended up having a long-distance marriage (and she could stay with her lover). He found out about her A two years later when she ended the A (because she had found another A partner) and her jilted lover sent videos of them having sex to him. They split for 8 months and then she fell pregnant to the new lover and came back to him begging for a second chance. He took her back. 3 months after that she was back to her old ways and its been encore performance after encore preformance.

 

The third marriage is probably EXACTLY what MM tell their OW their marriage is like. Separate beds, barely talk to eachother and only there for the child and financial reasons. He barely spends any time at home and that is exactly the way that she wants it.

 

The other marriages I have seen end in divorce due to cheating spouses have ended up with the partners being a lot happier in the long run...although the initial shock of divorce was horrific and it took a couple years before BOTH partners were happy and living their separate lives with different people.

 

I guess that situations really are different and based upon the people. You never can tell.

[HalfAlive22]

Not looking at my own situation... I would have to say that the three marriages I have seen stay together AFTER a long-term affair are very sad and empty.

 

One of my male cousins deeply regrets 'doing the right thing' by trying to make his marriage work. He says that he lost the love of his life (his OW) for the sake of feelings of guilt towards a wife that he had married too young and grown to far apart from. He chose not to contact his former OW out of respect for her. He doesn't want to hurt her anymore but he has a photo of her on his desk at work and one in his wallet. It has been 2 years since he ended his affair.

 

He does not have a marriage or a life IMHO. His wife is aware that he no longer loves her, she doesn't particularly mind... she wanted the paycheck and 'I may not want him but sure as hell no one else is going to have him' is a direct quote she said to me at Christmas.

 

One of my former bfs is married to a serial cheater and that is probably the most unhappy marriage I have seen in my life. She married him while being having a long-term A with someone else. He moved to another city for work...she didn't want to move because she would miss her 'friends' so they ended up having a long-distance marriage (and she could stay with her lover). He found out about her A two years later when she ended the A (because she had found another A partner) and her jilted lover sent videos of them having sex to him. They split for 8 months and then she fell pregnant to the new lover and came back to him begging for a second chance. He took her back. 3 months after that she was back to her old ways and its been encore performance after encore preformance.

 

The third marriage is probably EXACTLY what MM tell their OW their marriage is like. Separate beds, barely talk to eachother and only there for the child and financial reasons. He barely spends any time at home and that is exactly the way that she wants it.

 

The other marriages I have seen end in divorce due to cheating spouses have ended up with the partners being a lot happier in the long run...although the initial shock of divorce was horrific and it took a couple years before BOTH partners were happy and living their separate lives with different people.

 

I guess that situations really are different and based upon the people. You never can tell.

Wow i wonder where my H and i fall? None of these sound like us,and we have some messed up things that have gone on.

[Summer Breeze]

In general yes I hear from xMM several times a year. Flowers for Valentines Day and again for my birthday. A card at Christmas and at least an email a month. The first few times it was him trying to get me back and I had none of it. Since then I think it's to let me know he still loves me. I seldom read his emails and I never respond. I don't send thank you notes for the flowers. We have enough common friends that he'll probably always know how to get flowers to me or have someone help him out. Its strange because it doesn't hurt and I don't pine for him. It's comforting because it reminds me of an incredible man and time.

 

As far as divorce-my xMM will never leave and even though I don't agree with his reasons I understand and accept. My best friend had a card in her mail about a year ago. It was homemade and the front looked like a legal document. On it said 'Hear ye, hear ye..' and then there was the background of the legal document. On the inside it was handwritten 'name' is now single and would love to woo you. They got married in June and are doing great. She had ended the A 4 or 5 years before his card.

 

A guy I work with was almost divorced and got in touch with his AP. They've been together again for a few months and his D is final.

 

You just never know. I don't think it happens often like that but it does happen.

[thomasb]

In general yes I hear from xMM several times a year. Flowers for Valentines Day and again for my birthday. A card at Christmas and at least an email a month. The first few times it was him trying to get me back and I had none of it. Since then I think it's to let me know he still loves me. I seldom read his emails and I never respond. I don't send thank you notes for the flowers. We have enough common friends that he'll probably always know how to get flowers to me or have someone help him out. Its strange because it doesn't hurt and I don't pine for him. It's comforting because it reminds me of an incredible man and time.

 

As far as divorce-my xMM will never leave and even though I don't agree with his reasons I understand and accept. My best friend had a card in her mail about a year ago. It was homemade and the front looked like a legal document. On it said 'Hear ye, hear ye..' and then there was the background of the legal document. On the inside it was handwritten 'name' is now single and would love to woo you. They got married in June and are doing great. She had ended the A 4 or 5 years before his card.

 

A guy I work with was almost divorced and got in touch with his AP. They've been together again for a few months and his D is final.

 

You just never know. I don't think it happens often like that but it does happen.

 

 

 

Wow! You know a guy who sends Christmas cards... I have never in my life sent a card to anyone except my wife or my parents for Bdays. Never met a guy who actually sent out holiday cards.

[MissBee]

Not looking at my own situation... I would have to say that the three marriages I have seen stay together AFTER a long-term affair are very sad and empty.

 

One of my male cousins deeply regrets 'doing the right thing' by trying to make his marriage work. He says that he lost the love of his life (his OW) for the sake of feelings of guilt towards a wife that he had married too young and grown to far apart from. He chose not to contact his former OW out of respect for her. He doesn't want to hurt her anymore but he has a photo of her on his desk at work and one in his wallet. It has been 2 years since he ended his affair.

 

He does not have a marriage or a life IMHO. His wife is aware that he no longer loves her, she doesn't particularly mind... she wanted the paycheck and 'I may not want him but sure as hell no one else is going to have him' is a direct quote she said to me at Christmas.

One of my former bfs is married to a serial cheater and that is probably the most unhappy marriage I have seen in my life. She married him while being having a long-term A with someone else. He moved to another city for work...she didn't want to move because she would miss her 'friends' so they ended up having a long-distance marriage (and she could stay with her lover). He found out about her A two years later when she ended the A (because she had found another A partner) and her jilted lover sent videos of them having sex to him. They split for 8 months and then she fell pregnant to the new lover and came back to him begging for a second chance. He took her back. 3 months after that she was back to her old ways and its been encore performance after encore preformance.

 

The third marriage is probably EXACTLY what MM tell their OW their marriage is like. Separate beds, barely talk to eachother and only there for the child and financial reasons. He barely spends any time at home and that is exactly the way that she wants it.

The other marriages I have seen end in divorce due to cheating spouses have ended up with the partners being a lot happier in the long run...although the initial shock of divorce was horrific and it took a couple years before BOTH partners were happy and living their separate lives with different people.

 

I guess that situations really are different and based upon the people. You never can tell.

 

Wow at that situation...omg...that is such a train wreck

 

I do think some relationships aren't meant to be salvaged and that it is best sometimes for people to count their losses and move on.