its been a long long time

[mybrowneyedgirl]

Just logged in. Cant believe its been almost 8 months since Ive posted. Hi. I'm mybrowneyedgirl. Possibly one of the most hated, trashed, decidedly stupid and heartbroken girl to ever post here. It used to seem no matter what i'd say it would always been the wrong thing.

 

long story short. had an affair lasting a few years, worked with the guy, got thrown under the bus and oh yea, somehow i managed to have a baby with him that he doesnt claim.

 

although i didnt know it at the time (was and still will claim to be in love with my ex husband) my affair ended a marriage that was no good for me. i no longer work with my xAP, but still sadly after all this time am just as heartbroken as i was two years ago.

 

i havent dated. focused my life more on my kids, my career and my IC. although in a way i dont feel ive made it very far everyone else seems to think i have. unfortunately i still think of him daily. long for him, cry for him. just feel like its been so long i cant admit to anyone how much of a place he still holds in my heart.

 

2 years out i still havent been able to reach the anger. in my head i can understand how ridiculous this is. in my heart i just cant bring myself to even consider anyone else, they will never be him.

 

i guess i've just reduced myself to thinking my one and only is out there and it will never be. i wish i never had that affair...so that id never known what could never be. to all those out there...get out before its too late and you spend an eternity never knowing love again.

 

for me, my heart has been so broken that ive just given up. im simply left with the memories of what used to be.

[SoMovinOn]

((((HUG))))

 

I wish I had something meaningful to say here, but I don't. Sometimes a hug and saying nothing is the best thing.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

WB, MBEG! Glad you got out of the miserable marriage. Did xMM ever divorce? Sorry you have sentenced yourself to a life of misery over this pr!ck. Hope you learn to love what you have post haste.

[jwi71]

Hello MBEG.

 

I remember you very well...I was SO hoping for a different outcome for you and I'm sorry you are stuck. For reasons I have previously stated, I took a great interest in your story and you, even with this note, remind me of my own xWW. Walked an identical path.

 

My comments are below in my normal verbose and overly-quoted style.

 

Just logged in. Cant believe its been almost 8 months since Ive posted. Hi. I'm mybrowneyedgirl. Possibly one of the most hated, trashed, decidedly stupid and heartbroken girl to ever post here. It used to seem no matter what i'd say it would always been the wrong thing.

 

Well, you can't please everyone. And you know the game by now, take what resonates with you and disregard the rest.

 

long story short. had an affair lasting a few years, worked with the guy, got thrown under the bus and oh yea, somehow i managed to have a baby with him that he doesnt claim.

 

I'm guessing its next to impossible to truly move looking at the child fathered by your MM. Actually, did he ever actually D? And his further rejection of your child also, I'm sure stings.

 

But you gotta let it go. The only thing holding you back is you.

 

although i didnt know it at the time (was and still will claim to be in love with my ex husband) my affair ended a marriage that was no good for me. i no longer work with my xAP, but still sadly after all this time am just as heartbroken as i was two years ago.

 

Two years is, to me, not really enough time to heal.

It took me about 18 months to recover from my the fallout of my xWW - but I wasn't nearly as torn and confused as you. I knew what I wanted and got it. And it STILL took 18 months to get back to normal (and IC the whole way too).

Keep going. One step at a time. Left foot, Right foot, Left foot....

 

i havent dated

 

Good. I tried unsuccessfully the first year or so and wasn't ready.

Believe me, that desire WILL return.

Left foot, right foot...

 

focused my life more on my kids, my career and my IC. although in a way i dont feel ive made it very far everyone else seems to think i have. unfortunately i still think of him daily. long for him, cry for him. just feel like its been so long i cant admit to anyone how much of a place he still holds in my heart.

 

Straight up: why? And I presume you mean your MM.

Now list all the GOOD he has said and done and brought to you.

Now list all the CRAP.

Now explain why.

Just an exercise for you...I hope it helps.

 

2 years out i still havent been able to reach the anger. in my head i can understand how ridiculous this is. in my heart i just cant bring myself to even consider anyone else, they will never be him.

 

Would you consider updating us on your R with your MM?

Maybe we can help knock him off the emotional perch you place him upon.

 

i guess i've just reduced myself to thinking my one and only is out there and it will never be. i wish i never had that affair...so that id never known what could never be. to all those out there...get out before its too late and you spend an eternity never knowing love again.

 

Don't. You NOW have the chance to be happy and live and be in a good and satisfying R - don't wish it away. This is YOUR time.

Use it wisely.

What would you consider a wise use of your time?

 

for me, my heart has been so broken that ive just given up. im simply left with the memories of what used to be.

 

I will again presume you refer to your MM.

Gotta. Let. It. Go.

 

If you could script your perfect fairy tale ending to "this"...what would it be?

[anne1707]

MBEG

 

Don't beat yourself up for still feeling pain. You're only human. The fact that you had a baby does mean that there is always a reminder (though one you would never dream of being without ). Focus on yourself and your family and stick with the IC.

[blinded]

((MBEG))

 

Don't give up. We've made poor choices, but that doesn't make us unworthy of ever finding love or happiness again. Keep up with the counseling.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

So update. Actually I'm heartbroken for the both of them. Both for different reasons. Its not necessarily that I still believe xMM was so wonderful...its just the hurt of losing something so precious to you. Being hurt by the one you thought you could trust. Realizing that you mean so little to someone who meant so much. And also the games. We see each other occasionally. If youre unhappy at home, then do something about it. If you chose not to be part of my life, dont say you miss me.

[jthorne]

If you chose not to be part of my life, dont say you miss me.

Same could be said for you. If you're unhappy with the situation, stop seeing him.