Do I have the right to ask this ?

[Somewhat Healed]

My girlfriend moved to a relatively big city (she and I used to live in a very rural area) near our college. We have been together for 3 months and we're perfectly happy. But...

 

She likes to walk alone on night. I don't like that. I do really care for my girlfriend and I am really scared at the thought that she might get gang raped or seriously agressed. You know, there's a lot of really crazy drunk people at 2 am in the streets and I don't think that a lady should walk alone so late. To me, it's very risky. She lives with 2 friends in her appartement and they don't want to let her walk alone too. So I think that my request isn't excessive but I MIGHT BE WRONG... (what do you think of it?)

 

My girlfriend is a feminist. Her point is that it isn't fair that a women should not walk alone late in night. I do agree with this BUT IT'S STILL VERY RISKY! I know it's not fair... I am so scared for her.

 

We haven't talk about it a lot but here's what I said :

 

"You know, I don't want to control your existence, you know that I fully trust you but I don't like it when you walk so late all alone, I think you should at least ask one of your friends if they want to walk with you. I care about you and I think what you're doing is very dangerous... I love you so much."

 

her response : "I understand but come'on..."

 

"Well, now you know what I think but you're still free do to what you want."

 

My question is : Do I have to right to ask this or I am being just a self-fish coward ????

[Tony T]

Since you are not married to her, you DO NOT have a right to tell her what to do. However, your concerns are well justified.

 

You can call the crime prevention division of the police department in the city where she lives and ask for statistics about late night crime in that city. They will probably have brochures and other information you can pass along to her. You may even be able to get a letter from a crime prevention officer there stating just how dangerous it is. As a matter of fact, I think it is extremely dangerous for a female to walk alone down a street at 2 a.m. in any town in American, small or large.

 

The police in her city may have some safety suggestions for her should she decide to continue this perilous nightwalking. Forward those to her if you get them.

 

Additionally, I would see if her city's newspaper is on the Internet. If so, print out a month's worth of stories on murders, rapes, kidneappings, robberies, carjackings, etc. that take place in her city at night...and send those to her.

 

If she is educated and sane, she will take notice and govern herself accordingly after she receives evidence of the dangers of her habits.

 

Do not tell her you are doing all of this. It will piss her off and she will discourage you. It will ruin the impact. Just present her with most of the material all at once.

 

If she continues to do this, I will be amazed if she experiences no incident. Your girlfriend is headstrong and very naive. For a single girl to walk the streets of a large city after 10 p.m. is borderline insane.

 

To answer your question, you have an obligation to let your girlfriend know of the dangers of what she is doing and let her know you are gravely concerned. Beyond that, you cannot control her life.

 

It will not be constructive for you to obsess with this issue once you have fully advised her of the dangers. She must make her own decisions.

[Rivka]

I think you are justified in being concerned, but if she wants to do this she will.

 

Contrary to what many people believe, it is not always more dangerous to walk alone in a big city. I live in a big city and walk alone at night, take buses and subways way past midnight and I feel very safe. If you feel nervous about walking alone at night you will probably attract danger, but if you are calm inside it usually won't happen. I am only speaking from my experience. I find that many of us live in constant fear, and this fear often blocks us from following our intuition and instincts. We can all sense danger if we are in touch with this part of ourselves, but many of us don't know how to access this part. As you can see, I belive in destiny.

 

I feel more scared walking alone in an empy residential area, or a small town that shuts down at night, but then I could be wrong about other US cities that I've never been to.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To answer your question, you have an obligation to let your girlfriend know of the dangers of what she is doing and let her know you are gravely concerned. Beyond that, you cannot control her life. It will not be constructive for you to obsess with this issue once you have fully advised her of the dangers. She must make her own decisions.

[Lucille]

Maybe Tony just worded this wrong but he said that since you are not married to her, you do not have the right to tell her what to do. Are you saying that if he was married to her, he would have the right to tell her what to do? Freudian slip??

 

If it was a guy who liked to fly planes upside down or drive racing cars can you imagine him taking his girlfriend seriously when she asked him to give it up or be more careful??? NO! He would barely pretend to listen as he put on his helmet and went off for more.

 

You have a right to ask her to be careful or not to do it but not to expect her to do what you want Ultimately it is her life and her decision to make. Sure it might be dangerous but unless she's just done an Austin Powers and come back from the sixties, she's aware of that. Good on you for being concerned enough to worry about her, but good on her for not being afraid. Maybe you can suggest she take up karate???

[Tony T]

You write: "Maybe Tony just worded this wrong but he said that since you are not married to her, you do not have the right to tell her what to do. Are you saying that if he was married to her, he would have the right to tell her what to do? Freudian slip??"

 

I really didn't mean that the way it sounded.

 

What I meant was that if there was a legal bond, he would have more grounds to be emphatic about his wishes for her not to do this for her personal safety. I never believe in people telling other people what to do or what not to do, but I think marriage give you a more solid ground to take steps to ensure the safety of a spouse.

 

Any man who would stand by and allow his mate to do something he felt (or was certain) was very dangerous is a worthless bum. Maybe it's selfish...I know I would hate to put my ownselt through days and weeks of constant worry because I knew my girlfriend was subjecting herself to possible danger.

 

I am the least controlling person I know but NO wife of mine would EVER walk ANYWHERE alone at 2 a.m. EVER. Well, yes, I guess that is a bit controlling but permit me this once.

 

I was a police reporter for a newspaper in Tampa, Florida for two years and, as suc, went to the scenes of many people who were robbed, assaulted, raped and murdered during the late hours...even away from the bars. This was some time back when Tampa was much smaller and considered a fairly tame town.

 

I think more women have forbidden their husbands to do dangerous things than vice versa.

 

I do feel Rivka has some valid points, metaphysically speaking. But you don't teach these concepts to someone in a day or two. Meanwhile, a single woman walking a city late at night is playing a crapshoot with her life. She has better chances of getting assaulted than of winning the lottery, although both chances are slim (at least 1 in 14million always wins each time).

 

Dind't mean to go off here again, but you are right...my statement did sound a bit odd. Thanks for pointing that out.