Nitpicking

[Kelemort]

I've been with my partner for a few years and a habit of his that started out being mildly aggravating has escalated once we moved in together. He nitpicks CONSTANTLY.

 

I admit I will leave an article or two of clothing in the bathroom sometimes after I shower. He complains about it constantly or he'll bring it up (he doesn't get dressed in the bathroom and complains it's inconvenient when we have company; when I bring up that he should just change in the bathroom, he feels it's a good time to say, "Well, you just leave all of your clothes in there." Not true)

 

So? He dumps his dirty socks wherever he'd like. It's a small inconvenience and while I've mentioned it to him once or twice, he doesn't really change. I've accepted that there are small, even annoying little things he does that I'll have to learn to live with. I'm not a nitpicker (at least NO WHERE NEAR) his level.

 

If I open the fridge door, I'm instructed to pull something out and close the door immediately. If I open the fridge and then go get a class to get ice, he'll tell me to close the fridge door until I'm READY to get something out - even if it's open for less than 10 or 15 seconds. He complains if the bed isn't perfectly made (even if the sheets are all in order). He complains about how I hog the covers. Hell, it gets harder to find something he doesn't complain about.

 

There were weeks in the past where he got home from work and instantly started complaining about LITTLE things - if I left a laundry basket in the kitchen because 5 minutes earlier I was doing laundry in the connecting room, and I'm waiting for it to finish up so I can go and hang it up. We have an ice bowl in the freezer - he complains if I don't immediately fill it with ice.

 

He gets upset if I turn on a light and he feels it doesn't need to be on. I admit I'm in the habit of turning and leaving lights on, and I am trying to improve - I try to remember, but I'm not perfect. Sometimes he gets exaggeratedly aggravated with the accompanying nasty tone for something I feel is INCREDIBLY minor. It shouldn't warrant a raised voice, even if I do end up doing it repeatedly. It's not like we're strapped for cash here.

 

Am I overreacting? It just seems like everything I do, no matter how minor, is not good enough for this guy. I'm always doing something wrong and he's always got to bring it up over and over again with accompanying aggravations. He's going to drive the both of us nuts - him because he obsesses over every little thing that I do differently than him, and me because I'm feeling like a screw-up who can't do anything to please him.

 

How do others handle a partner who nitpicks? I am far, far, FAR less demanding of him. If he has a little annoying habit, I let it slide. Otherwise, we wouldn't be living as peacefully as we do. Unfortunately, we could have a better life if he could just learn to shut his mouth and tolerate that his partner is going to be different than he is.

[TBH]

that must be so irritating for you.

i know we all have little things which piss us off but to go on constantly about them especially such minor things is pretty unfair, not to mention pointless and inconsiderate.

 

the only thing i can suggest is that you start picking him up on EVERYTHING that annoys you. be relentless. ok it will cause arguments but thats probably the only way he'll realise just how annoying it is to be picked at all the time.

 

he sounds very intolerant, all the things you have described are normal things which most people do

[Els]

I am far, far, FAR less demanding of him. If he has a little annoying habit, I let it slide. Otherwise, we wouldn't be living as peacefully as we do. Unfortunately, we could have a better life if he could just learn to shut his mouth and tolerate that his partner is going to be different than he is.

 

Have you told him all of this, especially this part?

 

The bf occasionally nitpicks on a few select things as well, although no raised voice or anything, and I have been guilty of doing so as well. When he does it, I usually just all the stuff he does that I just close one eye to. Then we either make a compromise - he does one thing on my list and I do one on his... or we both agree to close an eye to all of it.

 

I think it's one of the common problems of living together - but the raised voice thing on your part really does concern me. As does your statement 'it's harder to find things that he DOESN'T complain about'. Can you sit back in a calm mood and honestly tell yourself both of those statements are true? If you can, time for a serious conversation and reassesment of the R.

[Kelemort]

It's mentally exhausting! Before he gets home from work, I feel like I have to be ready: I give everything the once-over and try to preempt him. I try to figure out what he could possibly complain about or I make sure to put it all away before he gets home, but keeping such a long list drives me absolutely nuts.

 

My best guess is that his dad is a hoarder, so he grew up in a very messy home. But the funny thing is that my boyfriend is not tidy himself. He'll leave receipts, gum wrappers, etc., all over the dresser in the bedroom. I mentioned his socks before. He'll leave notebooks and books scattered around the entire apartment. I never say a word. So I don't know if he's just immune to his OWN messes and bad habits and I just do things that remind him of when he lived with his parents or what, but that bullcrap has to stop.

 

I grew up in a verbally abusive home where I also couldn't do anything right - and being in this situation sort of brings me back to my roots. I'm back to being the screw-up who can't do anything right. I mentioned his nitpicking the other day..he left to run some errands, came back an hour later and it was obvious it was still bothering him. He told me, "I don't nitpick." I just gave him a look and apologized for bringing it up. In retrospect, I know I shouldn't have apologized. We are never going to be 100% compatible and I do NOT want to live my life being micromanaged by somebody else. I have had enough of that.

 

I have brought this up to my partner before but he usually deflects and claims that I'm the one who's always saying he can't do anything right. To be fair, he's made some major mistakes in our relationship - lies about former girlfriends/being hung up on one of them, treating me like absolute dirt the first year we were together with constant attitude toward me, my family and friends (which culminated in a fight one night in his apartment while my friend was here; my boyfriend had been drinking and was getting too harsh in disciplining his cat. I had warned him several times, and when I went to intervene the last time, he exploded at me - yelling and swearing. I took off and told him then it was time to change or it was over).

 

He made changes but now anytime there is something he's doing that's contributing nothing but trouble to the relationship, "he can't do anything right." All of this drives me insane! It makes me feel like I'm a horrible person to bring up things which are genuinely bringing trouble into the relationship.

 

If he nitpicked every now and then, I could handle it. But it's a daily, ongoing thing that leaves me on pins and needles. It makes me furious. The next time he does it, I think I will follow your advice. Can you believe he even tries to claim he doesn't leave his socks everywhere when we do talk about this? Then I immediately point over to a pair of socks on the floor, at which point he says, "Uhh, that was just today." And the preceding 80 days, which he apparently forgets about.

 

The worst part is that's not a problem to me at all. It doesn't kill me to pick up socks, clean off a dresser, clear the plates or rinse out dishes so it doesn't stick after we eat. That's just part of contributing to an imperfect but peaceful and functioning household.

 

He has admitted that he realizes he's still stuck in "bachelor mode" with all of its accompanying selfish thoughts and views, but we've been living together for half a year now. I am exhausted with it. He's already on a deadline...so this one particular thing has to change or he's out. I'm not going to live life on needles.

[TBH]

sounds like he needs to grow up a bit.

 

he clearly has a selective memory and for me there is nothing as annoying or frustrating than a person who conveniently 'cant remember' doing all that sh*t that pissed you off before.

like they're the saints!

 

do what you need to do. there must be something keeping you there so i'm hoping its not all bad and you do enjoy being with him.

 

I recently had some therapy which helped me to process some bad childhood memories. thats not even why i went there but the guy assured me it would help my current situation. i feel like a million times better, stronger, clearer, in control etc. than i have done for many a year. i know not everyone needs it but indulge me as i just want to tell people about how amazing it has been! and i wouldnt want anyone to allow someone to treat them badly cos of stuff that happened like millions of years ago

[Els]

This is a lot more disturbing than your previous post. You should definitely rethink things. What are the good parts of being with him?

[threebyfate]

Kelemort, this guy's not only a daily nitpicker, he's also a hypocritical one. That's a power play. In constantly nitpicking you, he's set up the dynamics of being the one in charge.

 

That this is reminiscent of your past childhood, should tell you something. And when you assert your boundaries, when he comes back at you, you're willing to back down so he continues to feel "right". It continues the abusive loop.

 

Do yourself a favour. If you're determined to remain in this relationship, don't back down about his nitpicking. It's abusive and something he needs to understand. If your relationship doesn't last because you're unwilling to put up with his abuse, that should be okay too.

 

But the best advice I can possibly provide to you is to get out of this relationship. No one needs to "fix" an abusive partner. Also ask yourself why you've selected a nitpicker to be in a long-term relationship. Remember, our childhood foundation is what we're comfortable with and how we learned what the word "love" means to us, no matter how functional or otherwise.

[Kelemort]

To be honest with you I don't know what's all that good. Ever since the ex thing blew up (he tries to maintain he didn't have feelings for her/didn't want her back, but I"m very skeptical), I've carried a lot of resentment toward him. I set boundaries and he lied to me ("It's not being in contact with my ex as little as I talk to her!" was his justification for telling me he hadn't contacted her at all in years. Surprise!).

 

He has a great sense of humor and despite this, he can be incredibly generous and helpful. He's a smart guy and he has thankfully learned to treat people respectfully - since that big blow-up in front of my friend, he has not spoken to me so hatefully, nor has he yelled at me. He can be very sweet and affectionate - showering me with compliments, talking about the future, etc. I guess those are the reasons why I stay - but truthfully I think about them far less than I think about all of the reasons why I should dump him.

 

I am mostly convinced under the surface that I don't love him. I think I care about him, and I am attached to him, but the anger and resentment runs too deep for me to be certain that I love him. I don't feel lucky to be with him - which I've heard is USUALLY* (well, in good relationships) the marker of being in love with someone.

 

I'm in something of a predicament right now because my two living options are either with him or back in with my parents, who are literally so fat they're very dependent on me - not to mention downright verbally abusive. When I lived at home, sometimes I was subjected to hours of haranguing from my mother about the housework, running errands for her, my education, my job status, etc. I know I need to make a move and that he is most likely 'not the one' for me - but at the same time I am dreading going back to my mom's.

 

I am waiting right now on the start date for a temp. job that will last me for 2 years - the company is giving me the run-around, but when it does come through, I'll give more serious consideration to moving out. I think that if I were financially stable (and if I felt better about myself - I've lost 25 pounds but have about 40 more to go), I would have left him already...

 

But at the same time I've invested years and I guess I want to be certain I've exhausted my possibilities and resources in fixing this problem before I jet.

 

TBH, thank you for the recommendation about therapy - I'm not offended by it. If not for my current financial situation, I would've looked into it more seriously. As it is most therapists in my area want to charge a minimum of $80 a session - money that I just don't have at the moment.

[Kelemort]

You're totally right, threebyfate. I have always had trouble asserting myself - when someone told me I was "crazy" or that I was "making things up to argue about," (he's told me the latter) I always backed down without a peep.

 

The difficult part is in recognizing when you're being manipulated or invalidated by other people - my ex was a total slimeball who was going no where. He was a total jerk. Besides some character flaws behind closed doors, people like my boyfriend a great deal; he's very successful in his career; he actually has a good number of friends. I guess on some level, despite what he does to me, I can't fully recognize that what he's doing is manipulative and even abusive - because he doesn't fit the 'profile' in my mind, I guess.

 

I have pressed a little in the past when I asserted myself and he told me I was "making things up just to argue about" or "blowing things out of proportion" or telling him he couldn't do anything right. But invariably he would push a little more and I'd quickly back down like a shamed, stupid, helpless little child. He's got the ability to intimidate at his disposal; he knows if he just raises his voice a little or persists a little longer, I back down out of fear of his attitude.

 

If he finds my clothes in the bathroom, he'll take them out of there and throw them on the floor. Yes, he literally throws them on the floor. Doesn't even bother to put them in the dirty clothes basket, which is usually just another 5 or 10 feet away. I know he is trying to make a 'point' to me by tossing my clothes on the floor literally a few feet away from the litter box.

 

I don't know how throwing on the floor as opposed to leaving them in the bathroom is supposed to be any better.

[TBH]

I think there are many many people in your situation Kelemort, knowing deep down its probably not right for them but due to the (understandable) reluctance to leave a relationship you've invested years in, coupled with the difficulty in being able to afford to live alone.

 

this makes things very difficult because you kind of know what you should do but dont see an easy way out. that in itself kind of makes you resent the other person more!

 

I myself am in a similar situation, problems with H have led us to discussing a seperation but neither of us can afford to move out. its all very frustrating. like you my only 'real' option is to move back with my mum and although i love my mum alot and get on with her very well I dont really want to do that.

 

I'm glad i didnt offend you TBH i knew for a long time i needed therapy but until i had a lucky promotion i was unable to afford it either.

 

i hope your start date comes through soon so you can start realistically looking at your options. options are good. they empower us to take charge

[Kelemort]

Admittedly I'm not entirely right on this one - I started using one of his razors (which I have not seen him use in years, which is part of my justification) to shave. I guess part of me was fearful about approaching him and asking if I could use it - I can't particularly explain why. It's the best razor I've ever used (most others give me razor burn or just don't work that well, no matter what I do).

 

I left it in the shower. That was a few minutes of complaining from him.

 

Next it was the hand towel by the sink. Earlier today, I took the towel that was there and used it for something else. I didn't hang up a new one. That was another strike against me.

 

And he's not even been home for 10 minutes.

 

I admit I have a tendency to not put things back (see: this thread). But once I start cleaning up, usually I do. And that includes picking up after his messes...

 

The other day we had a talk about this and he reassured me he'd work on it. At this point, I no longer know the difference between nitpicking and a general request to not do something that proves enough of an inconvenience to the spouse.

 

Just, in his shoes, if he did what I did, I'd just put the razor back and then I'd hang up a fresh towel. I just do not get what the big deal is that he has to come home and immediately tell me about every little thing I did wrong.

 

Am I wrong here - are these not such little things? I could understand if we were literally living in our own filth, but we're not...at all. I keep a fairly clean house. Lived-in, but clean. I don't complain much about anything he does around here - unless we're out together and he's buying more books, as we have a pile of books in our storage space out on the balcony (where they're probably getting destroyed by humidity) and in our living room, because we already don't have room. But I just end up reminding him about the current predicament - then he either does it anyway or moves on.

 

But I do not do any of this daily crap. If he were VERY tidy and I was at my current 'cleaning' level, I could understand the constant nitpicking and I'd expect it because it's important to him. But he's not. Argh!

 

It's driving me crazy, but more than that I'm driving myself crazy with not knowing what's a reasonable expectation. On the one hand, I see nothing wrong with saying, "Hey, James, you left x out." But for him, he usually says it in an aggravated way: "Could you please do x, y, z?" "SIGH. Could you..." "*Sigh* If you're gonna do x, then..."

 

I hate the relationship that I'm in, I don't understand why I've tolerated years of this bull**** - well, I guess I do (finances, fear of not finding anyone else, weight problems, my still-horrible track record when it comes to dating). The situation has gotten even worse at my mother's house in my absence, so I can't imagine if I return. I don't have any friends or relatives who have room for me otherwise, or who would take me in indefinitely.

 

Still waiting on this job...starting to wonder if it's going to happen.

[sunshinegirl]

I don't know that I have any good advice, just some observations. My husband and I had a *version* of this disagreement recently (there's a thread on it) but things had not devolved to nitpicking like your BF. In our case, the problem was that H would ask things of me (put my toothbrush away, put the glass in the dishwasher) but had become blind to my requests that he had ignored.

 

Three things about our situation:

 

1) I genuinely have some things that bother me, and I am vocal about them. It sounds like either nothing really bothers you, or that you've decided not to raise those things. While I can understand why it would suck for *both* of you to 'nitpick' each other, your silence on his sloppiness has probably contributed to his ongoing blindness/justification about his messy habits and his double standard.

 

2) My husband, once he finally recognized what he had been so 'blind' about, quickly agreed to change his behavior. Give and take. It doesn't sound like your BF has much of a sense of give and take on these matters.

 

3) Our respective lists of things that bother us are short and we spend way more time having positive interactions than fielding complaints from the other. Your BF doesn't seem to pick his battles...instead everything is a battle. Sorry if this question offends, but is there any chance your BF has obsessive-compulsive disorder of some kind? If so, I think the prognosis for improvement here is pretty low (I say this based on someone I know who had severe OCD).

 

In any case, I would find it very very hard to live in such circumstances -- I hope you're able to find resolution one way or another soon!

Edited August 16, 2011 by sunshinegirl

[PinkInTheLimo]

I would give him credit if he was incredibly clean himself. But since he is not, my conclusion is that he is abusive.

 

Time for drastic action. Instead of giving him the power by being extra careful not to give him any reason for nitpicking, give him plenty of reasons to complain. Be as sloppy as you can. As a matter of fact, be as sloppy as he is. Mirror his behaviour.

Now if he starts to nitpick, you leave the house. Everytime he is being an a$$, you leave the house. Show him that you don't accept to be treated like this.

 

You only start to clean up things if he STOPS nitpicking. Treat him like a dog: reward good behaviour, ignore bad behaviour (the nitpicking).

 

Also: take pictures of the mess he leaves so that next time that he denies it, you have it black on white.

 

There are two outcomes possible. Either he will understand how ridiculous he is and grow up. Or either he will not accept that in which case you should divorce him because he is as abusive as your folks.

 

And no matter the outcome, try to live for yourself first. Don't be afraid to create your own home without abuse.

Edited August 16, 2011 by PinkInTheLimo

[love2read]

I've been with my partner for a few years and a habit of his that started out being mildly aggravating has escalated once we moved in together. He nitpicks CONSTANTLY.

 

I admit I will leave an article or two of clothing in the bathroom sometimes after I shower. He complains about it constantly or he'll bring it up (he doesn't get dressed in the bathroom and complains it's inconvenient when we have company; when I bring up that he should just change in the bathroom, he feels it's a good time to say, "Well, you just leave all of your clothes in there." Not true)

 

So? He dumps his dirty socks wherever he'd like. It's a small inconvenience and while I've mentioned it to him once or twice, he doesn't really change. I've accepted that there are small, even annoying little things he does that I'll have to learn to live with. I'm not a nitpicker (at least NO WHERE NEAR) his level.

 

If I open the fridge door, I'm instructed to pull something out and close the door immediately. If I open the fridge and then go get a class to get ice, he'll tell me to close the fridge door until I'm READY to get something out - even if it's open for less than 10 or 15 seconds. He complains if the bed isn't perfectly made (even if the sheets are all in order). He complains about how I hog the covers. Hell, it gets harder to find something he doesn't complain about.

 

There were weeks in the past where he got home from work and instantly started complaining about LITTLE things - if I left a laundry basket in the kitchen because 5 minutes earlier I was doing laundry in the connecting room, and I'm waiting for it to finish up so I can go and hang it up. We have an ice bowl in the freezer - he complains if I don't immediately fill it with ice.

 

He gets upset if I turn on a light and he feels it doesn't need to be on. I admit I'm in the habit of turning and leaving lights on, and I am trying to improve - I try to remember, but I'm not perfect. Sometimes he gets exaggeratedly aggravated with the accompanying nasty tone for something I feel is INCREDIBLY minor. It shouldn't warrant a raised voice, even if I do end up doing it repeatedly. It's not like we're strapped for cash here.

 

Am I overreacting? It just seems like everything I do, no matter how minor, is not good enough for this guy. I'm always doing something wrong and he's always got to bring it up over and over again with accompanying aggravations. He's going to drive the both of us nuts - him because he obsesses over every little thing that I do differently than him, and me because I'm feeling like a screw-up who can't do anything to please him.

 

How do others handle a partner who nitpicks? I am far, far, FAR less demanding of him. If he has a little annoying habit, I let it slide. Otherwise, we wouldn't be living as peacefully as we do. Unfortunately, we could have a better life if he could just learn to shut his mouth and tolerate that his partner is going to be different than he is.

 

 

Kelemart,

 

I had to respond because I could have written this myself. Rest assured, I understand EXACTLY what you are going through.

 

In fact, I spent the day looking online for apartments because I am ready to lose my mind as well as move out.

 

I have been living with my boyfriend for 1 yr and 10 months. He has become extremely nitpicky.

 

This is what he does:

 

refuses to do laundry (because the washer is downstairs in the basement where my cat is, he HATES pet hair), yet nitpicks if his shirts are wrinkled and searches his clothes for stray cat hair. If there is any, he huffs and puffs.

 

wants me to quickly shut the door when I enter the house. He says that bugs/mosquitos come in. He reminds me daily.

 

will not ride in my Jeep (because there is dog hair on the seats) mind you, it is MY Jeep.

 

gets upset if there is dirt on the kitchen floor (yet he NEVER sweeps) I think he thinks that it is only me that tracks in dirt, hence I should sweep)

 

If I am reading a book, he constantly interupts me to talk about something trivial. Yet if I interupt him, I get the "look"

 

When my parents are visiting, he talks about inappropriate things (like a neighbor that pissed him off and how he would take care of it)

 

He gets annoyed if I push my hangars across the clothes rack in the morning (as I look in the dark for an outfit to wear) while he is still in bed.

 

He gets annoyed at the click of my phone when I text message.

 

 

Yet the crazy thing is...... somedays he is perfectly carefree. It is confusing for me and now I am almost paranoid. I feel like I have to try to read him to see if he is going to be nitpicky or not.

 

And he also can be extremely sweet. He wants to communicate and buys me flowers and is very affectionate.

 

I feel myself pulling away because although he can be sweet, when I am being picked at, I feel like it is sort of abusive (yet he always tells me that he would never hurt me and gets a hurt look on his face when I tell him that sometimes he is nitpicky).

 

So, I guess I am in the same boat as you.

 

I feel sort of guilty though because his father is on his deathbed (and his mother and brother are also deceased) I feel like I am giving him an out because he will soon be the last of his family and I feel bad. I am afraid to sever the relationship because I don't want him to be sad and not have anyone.........

 

Do you feel guilty as well?

 

I do not know what to do......