We are not "equally yoked" financially, should we date? Is this trouble in the makin

[padparadscha]

THIS QUESTION IS NOT ABOUT LOVE, BUT ABOUT DATING

 

A man I used to date a while back (over 5 years ago) has been keeping an eye on me without my noticing. I went out with him several times as a friend because i had a boyfriend, however the relationship with my boyfriend at that time was toxic and I needed company. He knew about the man. One night things got a bit heated and we almost made love. I stopped myself feeling guilt and pretty much pushed him away very hard. I pushed because I was beginning to like him and knew he had nothing to offer me. He had no skills that could help us in the future such as fixing a house or building or remodeling things in a home. Skills which would allow him to contribute if we got together and I purchased a house. He did not have a great job and I knew in the end we would not be equally matched because I have money and I like to travel a lot. His personality was and is sweet and fun to be with. His looks are amazing. However, we were/are not matched in education or fiances.

 

The way he felt about me and the way I was starting to take notice of him, I was afraid I would end up pregnant or somehow getting into a serious relationship with him and in the end being sad because I would have to in some fashion give up my life stlye (which is pretty much one in which I want for very little). Apparently, for years he has been taking short drives by my house and noticing me when I go to church. My church is very big (Two floors are used for seating purposes as in a large theatre, it is truly huge) and being I don’t wear my glasses in church I suppose I never realized he was there. : )

 

He decided to approach me last week and ask for my phone number. He told me he notices I am starting to come more often than usual. I was shocked my time in church was not private, I did not know anyone there knew me.

 

Over the years he has gotten more handsome and after speaking with him by phone tonight I realize he never forgot one tiny thing about the time we dated to the point he even remembers how crazy I can be! That is a good sign : ).

 

The problem is the man never advanced himself. He never finished college and is still working in a job I will keep nameless that pays little to nothing. On the phone rather than simply talk and laugh he often bought up his bills and complaints about expenses. He then asked me if there would be a day this weekend I could spend time with him. I told him “No” because I normally go out to the city by myself and get a massage. He said how much does that cost? I told him the price and he responded, “Well let me go with you. Don’t go alone. You pay for me and take me out and next week I will take you somewhere because I don’t have any money.” Pay for him???? His train ticket, his subway fare and a massage for a grown man? Then he proceeded to say (AND HE WAS NOT JOKING) or you can pay me and I will give you a massage. I won't even charge you that much. I laughed it off saying, "That could lead us into hot water I think I will pass". He laughed and said, "I would not even look at you that way i would behave this time." I never let on that his proposals were offensive.

 

I am very old fashion in many respects. Clearly he does not remember me all that well, or we have not dated long, because I don’t in any way enjoy hearing a man talk about his financial problems and trying to lay that message in my head regarding money. Also, although I have no problem taking turns paying and occasionally going Dutch, I don’t believe in a woman doing more than a man in any relationship. I don’t even feel a man should ask for a woman to pay. I feel the woman should offer and definitely treat a man, but I don’t go for his approach. Do you have any advice as to how I can handle this situation or should I simply walk away now and leave it? We are not equally yoked financially, should we date?

[moimeme]

Back before I ended up 'way too broke because I didn't want to discriminate against poorer guys, I might have answered differently. However, I've been burned twice so I'd be a twit to not learn my lesson. If you're anything like me, your goodhearted self will want to shower these sorts with things and help them out of their financial binds because they promise they'll make good on their end. You end up left holding the (empty) bag.

 

The cynic in me says he kept an eye on you because you're a potential meal ticket. The not fixing houses is no biggie - there are plenty of people one can hire for that. However, travel is important to you and travel is expensive. If he has neither prospects nor ambitions, then you'll not manage well together.

[befuddled11]

One thing you wrote that puzzled me:

 

He had no skills that could help us in the future such as fixing a house or building or remodeling things in a home. Skills which would allow him to contribute if we got together and I purchased a house.

 

Although I can sort of relate -- I'm a very handy person this way myself and am attracted to a guy who's "handy" like this, I do know that not every guy should be expected to be this way. Do you think maybe your expectations are a bit unrealistic in this regard?

 

Now as for him in general, he sounds like a deadbeat. Any guy who would try to invite himself along (going to the city for a massage) and then asks if you'll pay for him......after previously complaining about his bills and such..is A LOSER. That's pretty tacky. Who knows, maybe there WAS some truth in his offer to give you a massage and pay him for it. Ugh.

 

If he doesn't cut it financially, and you know he never will....then don't waste your time because if you were to get together and someday marry, it would always end up being a point of contention and resentment. I'm assuming he's in his 30s or 40s or more? He should have something to show for himself at that age, and if he doesn't, it makes you wonder.

 

I would be completely turned off by a guy who starts telling me about his financial problems and troubles with paying his bills....and then, asks me to pay his way on the first date because he has no money. L O S E R. Don't even waste your time. He sounds like he's got the potential to be a freeloader. Yuck.

[padparadscha]

That is what I was afraid of. To the point exactly Moimeme. I also do not enjoy discriminating which is why I have dated men with no more than a high school diploma. I never place myself on a level above or bellow anyone. I like to think we are all equal. However, money is important because people make it important. We are not all equal in what we have and it can cause conflicts because many times people want to be near you for your money. Some men see that you may be comfortable and suddenly expect you to do for them. I get this a lot. Men who have never once offered to take me out to lunch or buy me a cup of coffee, have approached me and said straight out,without hesitation, “Buy me this or buy me that. You have money. How come you never get me lunch?” These are not men I am dating, yet the expectation is that I should give to them. They could be co-workers or an aquaintence who feel because you go out to lunch during your break and buy yourself a meal you should also buy them because they don’t have the money for it. I used to not be able to afford take out food. I did not always have the ability to go out for lunch and I now do it alot. I used to have to eat peanut butter and jelly and I used to hide food in clothing because I would be so hungry and knew I might not be able to get food. but that is nobody's buisness, nor should it be my responsiblity to buy grown men food.

 

I will never forget a man at my job who asked me to buy him a tape they were selling at the school of the trip he had just went on for free. He said, “I’ll give you the money back tomorrow.” Well he never gave it back and when I approached him after 3 times he said, “Just give me the tape. What is the matter with you, can’t you just let it go? You have money, I’m broke.” I never spoke to him again. He came over to me this year and said, “Why don’t you talk to me any more, it’s not about the money is it?” I said, “Yes, I am not your woman I don’t pay for men.” He said, “Your rich, I have been thinking about you, I want us to be friends. I can’t pay you back, but when i get some money I will take you out.” I told him not to bother and resumed not speaking to him. This sent a strong message to others at my job and they stopped asking me to buy them things. What is wrong with people? CLEARLY IF I AM WORKING I CAN’T BE RICH, I SIMPLY AM SINGLE AND HAVE NO DEPENDENTS.

 

If a man does not have the money to hang, it can be taxing on you because you want to do things and must wait for sometimes over a year to do basic things you enjoy doing. I don’t enjoy putting my life on hold. We never know when our time is up and I live each day to the fullest. Even when I am sad and down, I still try to make each day count and do something special for myself. So getting back to this man I posted about, the first thing he said when he mentioned he had been driving by my home (and he lives no where near me) was the new Cadillac in my driveway and the new fence.

 

I know myself. I am the type of person who will be the main provider if I met the right man. I like for a man to treat me to dinners and movies, but on a larger scale, I have no problem even paying for a man to travel with me or anything else if and only if I know he cares for me. If he is asking me however for me to do these things and not allowing me to offer, I tend to feel as if I am being used and I don't like to be used. I am the type of person who could marry a man with little money, but if he has no skills and nothing to balance the scales, it will leave me broke because I am not rich, I simply work hard for my money and know how to spend it and save it. If he had skills I could say the scales were balanced and gladly provide.

 

But the point is I am not in love with this man. I don't know him well enough, I only know we met in at a University. I was studying and he approached me. He was not a student at that college. He was going there because he was looking to meet people. He is a very nice man, but how can I let him know, what I am feeling regarding this money situation without sounding like a snob or shallow?

[bluechocolate]

He is a very nice man, but how can I let him know, what I am feeling regarding this money situation without sounding like a snob or shallow?

 

You don't have to tell him your feelings regarding "this money situation". If you're not interested, you're not interested. You don't owe him any explanations as to why that is. I don't think you should say anything to him about it - it could be very belittling for him. The stuff he said to you about money, your cadillac, etc. is enough to make any reasonable person wary. Why would anyone think that this would be a good way to court someone? I also think it's a bit disturbing that he's driving past your home and following you to your church. Also you mentioned that he went to the University, not because he was studying, but to meet people. Has this guy read some book about how to meet rich women or something? Have you noticed if he checks to see what kind of watch you wear? I think you should politely, but firmly, make your case that you are not interested and that he should look elsewhere.

[moimeme]

many times people want to be near you for your money

 

Not really a problem I have LOL. Now, if I ever win that damn lottery, maybe I'll be able to relate

 

nor should it be my responsiblity to buy grown men food.

 

Totally agree. My view on it is that both people should be able to stand on their own and fend for themselves, but there's nothing wrong with the person of either gender offering to pay for the other. It's a different story when it's expected!

 

how can I let him know, what I am feeling regarding this money situation without sounding like a snob or shallow?

 

Well, you could either say that you have decided that you don't have enough in common and leave it at that, or you could try explaining that you don't appreciate being tapped for money by people who think you are rich, which is neither snobby nor shallow.

[krbshappy71]

Padpar, you seem to have a very good head on your shoulders. Don't let this guy shake that. You have your insecurities about being shallow and somehow he is preying on that. (either conciously, or unconciously because he wants to be in your lifestyle but can't seem to create it for himself)

Don't let him ride on your coat tails, this goes for men and women. You are open and caring enough to admit that if you felt a man could provide in another way you would accept that. Obviously you are not seeing that this man can do this, there is NOTHING wrong with that! You will find a man who can provide, hopefully both financially, AND in other ways and then you wont even have the financial concerns. There are plenty of great guys out there for you, I would be a bit suspicious of this one based on what you have written so far.

[masked_man]

Personally I'd be more concerned with the way he follows you around, rather than the state of his finances.

 

I've heard of people doing "drive bys" of a potential date's home to take ONE quick look at the house and neighbourhood they live in. In most cases it is a ONE OFF thing, and is usually motivated by harmless curiosity. The fact that he does this quite often, plus "follows" you to church (and who knows where else??), seems just a little creepy to me.

 

As to his finances and prospects. I always feel there are "trade offs" to be made in any relationship, and you have to take the good with the bad. You say he is handsome and has a great personality. Personally I'd put those sort of aspects over more material considerations, such as his income and type of job he has.

 

However, this particular guy sounds like a right tight ass to me, and maybe someone who is a little lazy as well. I'm not sure it would stop at him "wanting" money. He'd probably want someone to cook and clean for him as well! There are plenty of people in the world just looking for someone to give them a free ride, regardless of how much money they have.

 

I'd agree with the others here, and give this one a miss.

[padparadscha]

Thanks everyone! I know now what I must do. I will talk to him gently and see if he is willing to be friends and not date. Sometimes it can be difficult for me to walk away from people who seek me out. I think because I believe in "What goes around comes around". I know just recently I sought someone out and was grateful he did not push me away. He could have. I was in a really bad way and I needed his attention. I felt so blessed that he tried to work out our problems and so far it looks as if our friendship is getting back on track. It could have worked out different. He could have turned his back on me and continued to hurt me with his actions. He chose to stop and hear me out and fix it. So, when this man approached me and told me he wish I never pushed him away and he still thinks of me, there was a slight stress I was feeling with this situation because I had no good reason to walk away accept I have my own very serious problems going on right now and the last thing I wanted was to worry about someone else problems. I need someone right now to make things a bit easier on me and alleviate some of my stress, not add to my troubles. That is not being selfish, but being completely aware that I have too much pain going on to take on added stress. Especially when it looks as if I might finally be healing slowly.

 

befuddled11 I hear what your saying. I agree with you. I only meant that if he has no education, and a job that a young person without a high school diploma can hold, then he at least should have a skill that would balance the scales if someone were to come along with more money than him. Fix a car, Be a artist who can decorate or/and paint his own house, be an electrician without a licence, be able to do something to balance the scales. I know he takes his car to get fixed because he told me it wa in the shop and he needed a ride to church, I know he has none of those above mentioned talents. If he did, I would not mind dating him, because at least in that way if anything were to come out of a relationship down the line and we got together, I would think he would also feel like a man because he would not be free loading, he would be taking care and fixing up his home, providing in some sort of a way for his family. WHEN I DATE A MAN, I IMMEDIATELY LOOK FOR HOW HE CAN FIT INTO MY FUTURE. I do not wish to get married nor have children. However, I am aware if the right person came along my mind could change. I don't like getting involved, even on a dating level, with a person who I can't see how they could fit in my future. For example, I never wish to have children, but at the same time I never dated a man who I was not 95% certain would not walk away from me if I was pregnant. I always was certain each man I dated would never allow me to raise a child alone if something like that were to occur. God has been good and I never had a child (I am in no way in a mind set for that), but I know the men I date would all be good fathers. I just happen to be the type of person who likes to have a fall back plan in case life is not so straight forward as I would like, and something unexpected happens.

 

 

By the way, to all those friends who are PM me, I still can not open your letters. I see them and the titles of your mail and when you sent them, but Love Shack has not gotten back to me regarding the inability to access my mail. Sorry guys!