Not leaving for the children

[waytogo]

My thoughts came from other threads, and what we've all heard, each side, over and over.

 

MP don't leave because of child or children. If they are truly living their lives for kid(s); why are they risking the trama of an A on the children? Why are they, if they really are, letting their kids grow up seeing a disfunctional couple sleeping in separate rooms.

 

When someone says they stay 'for their kids', they have alot of questions to answer about every way they see to those kids, who are the only ones they claim to be thinking about.

[Spark1111]

Could not agree more!

 

A good parent is not obssessing about the next phone call, email, or text from their lover.

 

The amount of minutes spent trying to speak, see or have sex with your AP directly impacts the time and attention you are devoting to your children and their lives.

 

If the best thing parents can do for their children is to love and respect each other, how can someone justify the selfishness necessary have a secret affair and still claim they are a good parent?

 

Leaving an affair for the sake of the children is almost laughable, but it does work as an excuse that let's the AP down gently I suppose.

[Silly_Girl]

But... Are they risking anything at all by having an affair? In their head, I mean.

[Quiet Storm]

 

If they are truly living their lives for kid(s); why are they risking the

trama of an A on the children? Why are they, if they really are, letting their kids grow up seeing a disfunctional couple sleeping in separate rooms.

 

 

 

Because most MM don't think that they will get caught. They don't think it is risky.

 

And if they do, they are confident in their ability to smooth things over. MM usually have a way with words...and it's not just the OW that believes his BS. BW usually does, too.

 

They often feel superior to women and are confident in their ability to manipulate, especially women that are emotionally invested in them.

 

Many times the marriage functions very well, because they have the ability to compartmentalize. They can flip the switch from OW to BW very easily. Much of the time, the separate rooms story is just another one of MM cons.

 

He minimizes the marriage to OW, and then if he gets caught he will minimize the OW to BW.

 

Unless there is abuse or addiction in the household, most children thrive in a home with both of their parents.

 

The status of their parents marriage is not that important to kids. Kids don't really care if their parents are satisfied romantically. Children are self focused. They just need a nuturing environment.

 

They want their parents company and support. They love and need both parents, and thrive when both parents are involved in their lives on a daily and consistent basis.

 

A situation where there is emotional abuse and ongoing drama can be harmful. But the absence of romance and affection between the parents won't hurt them- many won't even notice it until they grow up.

[Spark1111]

QS, I agree kids could care less if their parents are romantically happy.

 

But some, not all, people who engage in an affair are remote, preoccupied and emotionally ABSENT from their family life.

 

My children, young adults, suspected something was amiss WAAAY before I did.

 

Often the WS is unhappy and resentful of anything that keeps them away from their affair partner, and that includes kids, kid events and family life.

 

So, it is hard for me to wrap my head around someone who claims he is going back for the sake of the children when he had emotionally abandoned them for the duration of the affair.

 

I think it is a well accepted excuse by APs because look how noble he is! It's not ME being rejected, rather he wants to do right by his kids.

[Lostinlife4now]

Because most MM don't think that they will get caught. They don't think it is risky.

 

And if they do, they are confident in their ability to smooth things over. MM usually have a way with words...and it's not just the OW that believes his BS. BW usually does, too.

 

They often feel superior to women and are confident in their ability to manipulate, especially women that are emotionally invested in them.

 

Many times the marriage functions very well, because they have the ability to compartmentalize. They can flip the switch from OW to BW very easily. Much of the time, the separate rooms story is just another one of MM cons.

 

He minimizes the marriage to OW, and then if he gets caught he will minimize the OW to BW.

 

Unless there is abuse or addiction in the household, most children thrive in a home with both of their parents.

 

The status of their parents marriage is not that important to kids. Kids don't really care if their parents are satisfied romantically. Children are self focused. They just need a nuturing environment.

 

They want their parents company and support. They love and need both parents, and thrive when both parents are involved in their lives on a daily and consistent basis.

 

A situation where there is emotional abuse and ongoing drama can be harmful. But the absence of romance and affection between the parents won't hurt them- many won't even notice it until they grow up.

 

Wow You just described my xMM and his marriage To a tee......WOW....Thanks.....he is somewhat of a narcissist.......

[fooled once]

My thoughts came from other threads, and what we've all heard, each side, over and over.

 

MP don't leave because of child or children. If they are truly living their lives for kid(s); why are they risking the trama of an A on the children? Why are they, if they really are, letting their kids grow up seeing a disfunctional couple sleeping in separate rooms.

 

When someone says they stay 'for their kids', they have alot of questions to answer about every way they see to those kids, who are the only ones they claim to be thinking about.

 

Completely agree.

 

They don't leave 'because of the kids' ... that is so ridiculous when OW believe that. MM aren't thinking of their kids when they are off having sex with the OW, or when they are off texting her, calling her, etc. He sure isn't thinking of his kids when the free time he has he uses for a booty call.

[TurboGirl]

Because most MM don't think that they will get caught. They don't think it is risky.

 

And if they do, they are confident in their ability to smooth things over. MM usually have a way with words...and it's not just the OW that believes his BS. BW usually does, too.

 

They often feel superior to women and are confident in their ability to manipulate, especially women that are emotionally invested in them.

 

Many times the marriage functions very well, because they have the ability to compartmentalize. They can flip the switch from OW to BW very easily. Much of the time, the separate rooms story is just another one of MM cons.

 

He minimizes the marriage to OW, and then if he gets caught he will minimize the OW to BW.

 

Unless there is abuse or addiction in the household, most children thrive in a home with both of their parents.

 

The status of their parents marriage is not that important to kids. Kids don't really care if their parents are satisfied romantically. Children are self focused. They just need a nuturing environment.

 

They want their parents company and support. They love and need both parents, and thrive when both parents are involved in their lives on a daily and consistent basis.

 

A situation where there is emotional abuse and ongoing drama can be harmful. But the absence of romance and affection between the parents won't hurt them- many won't even notice it until they grow up.

 

Wow, I could have written that! Also, my xMM told me that he was staying because he was "selfish" and wanted to see his kids every day. Plus, he'd have to pay his W half of everything, and Da** that guy was loaded and probably one of the cheapest men I've ever been with!

[Karmababe]

So what is with these men? They aren't faithful to the wife, they are absent from the family ... it's some abusive pattern, is my thought. The punishment if you get strong enough to say enough ... also, if they are unfaithful to the wife, I would suspect they wouldn't be truthful in a new relationship either.

[cuddlekeeper]

Hi all

 

I dont think we can tar all MMs with the same brush. I believe my MM spends more time with his children and grandchildren because he is happier in his life. When I first met him his son apparently told his best friend (who turned out to be the son of one of my best friends) that his parents never spent any time with them or did much for them.

 

Since I have told my MM this and encouraged him to be there for his family more they are all closer than ever and he spents much more time with them than working all the time and disappearing with any woman that he could have sex with.

[Try]

MP don't leave because of child or children. If they are truly living their lives for kid(s); why are they risking the trama of an A on the children? Why are they, if they really are, letting their kids grow up seeing a disfunctional couple sleeping in separate rooms.

 

When someone says they stay 'for their kids', they have alot of questions to answer about every way they see to those kids, who are the only ones they claim to be thinking about.

So what you are saying is that a man that lies to his wife so that he can cheat with you might be lying to you when he says that he would leave his wife if not for the kids. Well duhhhh.

[Anna101]

In the case of mine, I know he did resist for a while because of the fear of losing access to his kids.

 

I get what you're saying, but you've got to understand that men realise that when it comes to custody, they often lose out. They go from seeing their kids every day, to once a fortnight. That hurts.

 

That said, I think it's a far more complicated issue than most of them realise or admit to, and it's most likely a combination of not wanting to lose their *family*, which harsh as it is for OW, includes their wife.

[Silly_Girl]

Exactly Anna. I have thought about this a lot. I would have been a LOT less likely to end my marriage were I the husband and not the wife. I've seen too many men treated like dirt by ex-wives or by the court.

 

It took me 15 months to decide to end my marriage. I can imagine it could easily have taken many times that period if the decision were going to negatively impact my relationship with my son.

[Woman In Blue]

MP don't leave because of child or children.

I guess it's just as good an excuse as any of the other ones they pull out of their asses.

 

What's always amused ME, however, are the MM who have no kids - and STILL don't leave for their OWs. Or the ones whose kids are grown and in college or already living on their own with their own families - and the MM still doesn't leave that horrible wife. That's when you see the complacent posts from the OW claiming they don't WANT him to leave, or that they don't want him to miss his GRANDCHILDREN growing up. :laugh:

[TurboGirl]

IMHO, if they don't leave when the kids are gone and out of the house, they are not going to. EVER. Remember, the W gets half of everything... and some men don't want to lose status and the family/friends upset that goes with a divorce.

 

Plus, it is easier for him to stay with a W who is "broken in" and he can lie to and cheat on... if you are the OW, he knows that he won't be able to get away with much with you! So easier to stay at home with the W where he has somewhat freedom and money for golf, vacations, blah blah blah, whatever he wants to do!

[Seraph1]

IMHO, if they don't leave when the kids are gone and out of the house, they are not going to. EVER. Remember, the W gets half of everything... and some men don't want to lose status and the family/friends upset that goes with a divorce.

 

Plus, it is easier for him to stay with a W who is "broken in" and he can lie to and cheat on... if you are the OW, he knows that he won't be able to get away with much with you! So easier to stay at home with the W where he has somewhat freedom and money for golf, vacations, blah blah blah, whatever he wants to do!

 

I agree with this post in essense but I have also seen the flip side in quite a few of my friends marriages.

 

The husband cheats and the wife finds out... wife leaves and seeks divorce. Her then Ex-husband is delighted because he wanted out of the marriage but didn't have the guts to do it himself and be seen as the 'bad guy'. There are just so many different situations that it makes your head hurt.

[Quiet Storm]

 

if you are the OW, he knows that he won't be able to get away with much

with you!

 

I disagree. I think MM usually feel superior and smarter than women. It doesn't matter if it is BW or OW- he is confident in his ability to smooth talk his way out of things.

 

OW agreed to be an OW to an already committed man. If MM can get away with that, he is pretty damn good (in his mind, anyways).

[Silly_Girl]

I disagree. I think MM usually feel superior and smarter than women. It doesn't matter if it is BW or OW- he is confident in his ability to smooth talk his way out of things.

 

This bit made me really chuckle! So far from the truth in my case that's not to say there's not plenty out there like that.

[spice4life]

I think if a person decides to stay for the children it is their own personal choice. It is not a decision they should use against the outside party, they should instead just be honest and say, "This is my choice and you can choose to accept what I have to offer or not...period." it is that simple. It also gives the OW/OM the choice as to whether or not tey are willing to sit on the sidelines and accept crumbs based on the MM/MW's choice to stay. It's up to you. Can you accept it? Personally, I wouldn't be able to. I can't sit on the sidelines accepting crumbs just because the other person wants to have the best of both worlds. To me, they are being selfish and have no regard what so ever for what they asking the other person to sacrifice. Why should you give up being with someone who can be FULL and PRESENT just because the MM/MW has a different belief system?

[findingnemo]

Because most MM don't think that they will get caught. They don't think it is risky.

 

And if they do, they are confident in their ability to smooth things over. MM usually have a way with words...and it's not just the OW that believes his BS. BW usually does, too.

 

They often feel superior to women and are confident in their ability to manipulate, especially women that are emotionally invested in them.

 

Many times the marriage functions very well, because they have the ability to compartmentalize. They can flip the switch from OW to BW very easily. Much of the time, the separate rooms story is just another one of MM cons.

 

He minimizes the marriage to OW, and then if he gets caught he will minimize the OW to BW.

 

Unless there is abuse or addiction in the household, most children thrive in a home with both of their parents.

 

The status of their parents marriage is not that important to kids. Kids don't really care if their parents are satisfied romantically. Children are self focused. They just need a nuturing environment.

 

They want their parents company and support. They love and need both parents, and thrive when both parents are involved in their lives on a daily and consistent basis.

 

A situation where there is emotional abuse and ongoing drama can be harmful. But the absence of romance and affection between the parents won't hurt them- many won't even notice it until they grow up.

 

Hey Quiet Storm,

 

You have totally figured out MMs!!! They seems to think women are stupid and easily fooled. How can you tell? When you ask them what would happen if the BW found out, they classically tell you she'll never suspect. "She trusts me"!!! These days I ask my male friends all sorts of questions about their Ms and almost all of them have zero intention to divorce. They can list 100 things they don't like about thier wives but then begin to list 1000 things they like. Those in As have explained it like this:

 

1. The W is as much a part of him as his kids.

2. Family to him means his W and kids and him and his parents and her parents and, and, and...

3. When he's with OW, he just wants to laugh and have fun. He gets irritated when she begins to tell him her problems because he couldn't care less. After all, she is an adult and he has enough of his own problems and those of his W and kids to deal with.

4. He can do and say things to OW that he can't to W. He is in awe of W and the value she brings to the family. W actually makes the whole family unit work. MM hardly deals with school, medical problems, running the home, etc. W does much of what makes his life comfortable.

5. So yes he has some complaints but at the end of the day he has figured out how to ease the resultant irritation from W by having an A.

 

Now back to the question of spouses staying for thier kids. I once believed that to be true but I have since realized that such spouses never ever had the intention to leave in the first place. Of course I'm talking about Ms where there is no violence or drug abuse. MPs do not begin As planning to get a divorce. If that were the case, there would be more open Rs (not secret As) and a divorce within a short period of time thereafter. So if a MM says he loves his kids dearly, forget it. He ain't leaving his W. On the other end of the scale, a MM who hates his kids probably hates his W too. he would definately leave them high and dry. Why would anyone trust a guy who'd abandon his W and kids to love them?

 

Good observation, OP.

 

Edit: I'm sure there can be exceptions but...

Edited August 15, 2011 by findingnemo

[East7]

Kids are a "noble excuse" to stay in the M and make them look like honorable parents that "put their love aside" for the sake of the children.....BS!

 

People who are unhappy with their spouse, get a divorce and move on, even with children involved and no infidelity issue.

 

It is only a matter of time. For what I have seen around me, people hesitate to divorce because of the children but at the end they choose their freedom over a dead marriage.

 

In most of the cases children adjust very well. The relationship children-parent is far more important to them than the R between their parents. In fact, if the parents are still caring, loving and providing, children are fine. Most of the time, parents carry some guilt for the divorce and spoil their children with gifts etc. I have noticed D-parent's children are far more spoiled than those who's parents are still married.

 

Also the children adjust better when they are still young (below ~10) rather than older. Divorce is easier when children are young. Teens are more difficult to handle as they have lots of resentments and take one's parent side.

[stillafool]

My thoughts came from other threads, and what we've all heard, each side, over and over.

 

MP don't leave because of child or children. If they are truly living their lives for kid(s); why are they risking the trama of an A on the children? Why are they, if they really are, letting their kids grow up seeing a disfunctional couple sleeping in separate rooms.

 

When someone says they stay 'for their kids', they have alot of questions to answer about every way they see to those kids, who are the only ones they claim to be thinking about.

 

I agree. I think it is just a load of s--t they tell when the real reason is they don't want to leave their spouse, their house and their stuff (which includes their children). Basically, they just want their cake and eat it too. The ones who are serious do fest up and leave. To me that's the oldest excuse in the books.

[stillafool]

.

 

In most of the cases children adjust very well. The relationship children-parent is far more important to them than the R between their parents. In fact, if the parents are still caring, loving and providing, children are fine. Most of the time, parents carry some guilt for the divorce and spoil their children with gifts etc. I have noticed D-parent's children are far more spoiled than those who's parents are still married.

 

 

I agree with you but what is bad is when one parent trys to turn the children against the WS and that's not fair. Just because that parent didn't want to married to the BS anymore doesn't mean that spouse doesn't want/love their kids. Parents should make sure that the kids know they are loved by both parents no matter what is going on between the two of them.

[stillafool]

 

Plus, it is easier for him to stay with a W who is "broken in" and he can lie to and cheat on... if you are the OW, he knows that he won't be able to get away with much with you! So easier to stay at home with the W where he has somewhat freedom and money for golf, vacations, blah blah blah, whatever he wants to do!

 

Are you kidding? He gets away with her knowing he is sleeping with her and at least one other woman, being without him on holidays, not being the first priority, settling for what time they can get together at his convience, and the list goes on and on.

[Silly_Girl]

I honestly think that it is more complex than is stated here. I've experience of lots of dads literally losing their children. I think a guy only needs to see that happen once to someone else and it's enough to stop him dead in his tracks.

 

Yes, children are used as a excuse, but children are also sometimes the reason.