MM wants to tell people about us

[eleanor01]

Having read this thread its clear that you have zero intentions of stopping - 1. in fact GG reply has, it seems, given you even more reason to become more involved.

 

2. And, presuming my assumptions above are correct, you will tell others.

 

What, at least from what I gather, 3. you are failing to miss is the reputation you will earn: namely buzzard.

 

As many others have said, the ick factor here is off-the-charts.

 

4. You are going to go public with your affair for what reason? Normalcy?

 

An illusion. Maybe delusion.

 

Affairs are NOT normal relationships. Period.

Affairs where both parties are waiting for the spouse to die even less normal.

5. And finally, affairs where both parties are waiting for the spouse to die and go public are bizarro.

 

Let me ask you this....would you be going public IF the W was "normal" and healthy?

 

I will presume your answer is no.

 

Which leads me to conclude that the only reason you are going public is....she is terminally ill.

 

Please examine YOUR motives here.

Please consider how you are going to be seen.

IF he can't talk to a counselor in your area for fear of fallout why the hell are you openly flaunting your A? Why tell other couples when you can't tell a therapist? Not getting that one either.

 

Good luck, I think this is going to end very badly for you.

 

1. ?? gg's reply has given me food for thought. I didn't say whether I intend to become more or less involved. What I am trying to do is understand.

 

2. That's a non sequitur. Even if I did intend to become more involved, why would that necessarily involve telling more people?

 

He wanted to tell one couple. I have made it clear that I don't think this is a good idea. This thread has reinforced my opinion.

 

3. I have not missed that.

 

4. Who said anything about going public? First off, he wanted to tell some married friends. He did not say that he wanted to broadcast from the bell tower. Second off, I am against the idea of even telling this couple.

 

5. WTF?? I have never indicated ANYWHERE that either one of us are waiting for her to die. Neither one of us wants her to die. I would like her to miraculously get well. I love my MM, and I want him to be happy. Having a well wife and a family with only normal family issues would be a great outcome. sheeesh. Okay, that one got to me. Where do you get off making that kind of assumption?

[woinlove]

Eleanor, your statements about wishing he had a healthy W confuse me. If he had a healthy W, would you still expect to be in the A or would you expect him to be divorcing his W to be able to have an open R with you? What is it you want with this MM? Is it just the part-time R that an A affords that you are after or do you want to have a full-time R with him? If the latter, I assume neither of you thinks this is a good time for him to divorce his W, and it will be better to wait until his W dies. Or am I mistaken about that?

 

Apologies for treading on such delicate issues, but I am puzzled by some of your statements.

[jj33]

Eleanor if you want to support him the best way to do it is privately. Yes he needs support, yes its difficult caring for a terminally ill spouse but sometimes life deals us unpleasant cards and we all have to deal with challenges in our lives. No matter what his motives, telling his friends is a minefield for you and for his children and grossly unfair to the friends, regardless of how he feels it will impact him.

[eleanor01]

Eleanor, your statements about wishing he had a healthy W confuse me. 1. If he had a healthy W, would you still expect to be in the A or would you expect him to be divorcing his W to be able to have an open R with you? 2. What is it you want with this MM? 3. Is it just the part-time R that an A affords that you are after or do you want to have a full-time R with him? 4. If the latter, I assume neither of you thinks this is a good time for him to divorce his W, and it will be better to wait until his W dies. Or am I mistaken about that?

 

Apologies for treading on such delicate issues, but I am puzzled by some of your statements.

 

Hey--

You are treading on delicate issues, but please don't apologize. Most issues that people raise here are delicate. Also, I think "treading" might be a little strong.

 

I don't think that your questions come from a place of self-righteousness or mean-spiritedness. In fact, your posts are thoughtful and kind and I appreciate your input. Further, I am trying to understand, and I've asked people here to try to help me.

 

1. Well, this is kind of in the "if pigs could fly" realm of speculation, but my guess is that we wouldn't be in a relationship at all. Aside from the practical point that he and his family would not have moved here had his wife not been in ill and therefore he and I would not have met. . .

 

He loves his wife. I don't think he would have been reaching out (to me, as it happens) were she not sick. I don't suppose I can ever really know what he would have done, or where their marriage would have been had half of it not been while she was ill, but my sense is that she would have been quite enough for him. I think he turned to me for comfort.

 

2. Good question. I am in love with him, and he says that he is in love with me, but I am now wondering if maybe he's mistaking relief and comfort and escape for love. I don't want to get married ever again, so that's not it. So, what do I want from him or this relationship? Hmmmm. I guess right now I just want to help him get through this. BTW, one of the ironies here is that I don't believe that I could have fallen for him if he didn't love his wife and family and if he didn't try so hard to take care of her.

 

3. I sure don't want a full-time relationship with him at this moment in time. No way. That would necessitate a divorce on his part and I just can't see any good coming of that for anyone involved. Which leads to. . .

 

4. We're not just hanging around in hopes that his wife dies. Yuck.

 

Thanks, woinlove.

 

Ellie

[eleanor01]

Eleanor if you want to support him the best way to do it is privately. Yes he needs support, yes its difficult caring for a terminally ill spouse but sometimes life deals us unpleasant cards and we all have to deal with challenges in our lives. No matter what his motives, telling his friends is a minefield for you and for his children and grossly unfair to the friends, regardless of how he feels it will impact him.

 

Thank you, jj.

 

Ellie

[woinlove]

Hey--

You are treading on delicate issues, but please don't apologize. Most issues that people raise here are delicate. Also, I think "treading" might be a little strong.

 

I don't think that your questions come from a place of self-righteousness or mean-spiritedness. In fact, your posts are thoughtful and kind and I appreciate your input. Further, I am trying to understand, and I've asked people here to try to help me.

 

1. Well, this is kind of in the "if pigs could fly" realm of speculation, but my guess is that we wouldn't be in a relationship at all. Aside from the practical point that he and his family would not have moved here had his wife not been in ill and therefore he and I would not have met. . .

 

He loves his wife. I don't think he would have been reaching out (to me, as it happens) were she not sick. I don't suppose I can ever really know what he would have done, or where their marriage would have been had half of it not been while she was ill, but my sense is that she would have been quite enough for him. I think he turned to me for comfort.

 

2. Good question. I am in love with him, and he says that he is in love with me, but I am now wondering if maybe he's mistaking relief and comfort and escape for love. I don't want to get married ever again, so that's not it. So, what do I want from him or this relationship? Hmmmm. I guess right now I just want to help him get through this. BTW, one of the ironies here is that I don't believe that I could have fallen for him if he didn't love his wife and family and if he didn't try so hard to take care of her.

 

3. I sure don't want a full-time relationship with him at this moment in time. No way. That would necessitate a divorce on his part and I just can't see any good coming of that for anyone involved. Which leads to. . .

 

4. We're not just hanging around in hopes that his wife dies. Yuck.

 

Thanks, woinlove.

 

Ellie

 

Re the bolded, that is what I suspected. As an outside observer, I would say this man would have been best supported by a few very close friends who could devote some of their time to him, as well as to his family, right now. That would have given him companionship, love, support, diversion, help, hugs, and made his whole family feel better. And, as importantly, it would not give him guilt and the need for lying and deception which likely removes him, at least a bit, emotionally from his family. Keeping this kind of secret from family is an intimacy killer.

 

Of course, finding such friends is often difficult.

 

I'd encourage you to look a bit deeper. Wanting to help another is laudable, but your A with MM comes with costs to him, you and his family and is a huge risk. I suspect there is something you are getting for yourself that goes beyond helping him. One question is whether what you are getting really best serves your needs, given all the risks involved.

 

You've asked for compassion for MM, and it is difficult not to feel some compassion given the circumstances. However it is also difficult not to cringe. Most of us likely know someone who is caring or has cared for a dying spouse - I do. Yes, such people need help, love and support - but they really do not need a secret affair. That is my opinion. Perhaps you disagree.

Edited August 14, 2011 by woinlove

[eleanor01]

Woinlove--

 

I'm trying to psychoanalyze myself here re: what am I getting out of this relationship. I'm in love, and that in itself carries some benefit, surely.

 

But, what other, tangible benefit am I, myself, getting. . . I'm having a hard time thinking in those terms, as it seems so selfish.

 

I'm a little worried about speculating here, for obvious reasons, but you asked a thoughtful question and you took the time, so I think that you deserve a thoughtful response.

 

Probably what I do for a living plays into what I'm feeling. I go to places, I see bad things, and I am pretty helpless to improve situations. Rather, my hope is that what I do can be helpful in the long run, but there's just not much I can do to help individuals I meet in the situations in which I meet them.

 

Perhaps in some weird way being able to help MM makes me feel good about myself. What I do for work is very, very stressful. I come home, I recharge, and I go out again.

 

I don't know. I'll think about it some more.

Thanks,

Ellie

[TurboGirl]

Woinlove--

 

I'm trying to psychoanalyze myself here re: what am I getting out of this relationship. I'm in love, and that in itself carries some benefit, surely.

 

But, what other, tangible benefit am I, myself, getting. . . I'm having a hard time thinking in those terms, as it seems so selfish.

 

I'm a little worried about speculating here, for obvious reasons, but you asked a thoughtful question and you took the time, so I think that you deserve a thoughtful response.

 

Probably what I do for a living plays into what I'm feeling. I go to places, I see bad things, and I am pretty helpless to improve situations. Rather, my hope is that what I do can be helpful in the long run, but there's just not much I can do to help individuals I meet in the situations in which I meet them.

 

Perhaps in some weird way being able to help MM makes me feel good about myself. What I do for work is very, very stressful. I come home, I recharge, and I go out again.

 

I don't know. I'll think about it some more.

Thanks,

Ellie

 

You sound like a professional rescurer to me, Ellie. Taking your work home with you. Not to be mean, but truly, you are getting little itty bitty crumbs from your MM, who is an emotional wreck. He can't be there for you, like a real relationship, or be supportive of you, because he is super concerned about himself. Frankly, super selfish. His W, mom of his kids, is dying. To me, recharging with an emotionally healthy partner, free to be with you and give/receive love without all of this horrific baggage would be so much better. You need to start being selfish here or all of your energy is going to be sucked away by this MM and his drama.

 

IMHO, this guy needs major counseling and now. NOT from you. You could do with some reading on codependency - just sayin'. From the outside observer, whatever you do, however you phrase it here - it does appear that you are waiting for the W to die. Even after she passes, and you and Mr. Wonderful come out with your relationship, many will know the truth and there will be talk. No matter what.

 

As for that caregiver drivel, BS. The woman is in Hospice. All he has to do is show up and see her. I've been a caregiver in my home.... and i have friends who have had parents in Hospice. With your loved one in Hospice you get to have somewhat of a life.

[bentnotbroken]

You sound like a professional rescurer to me, Ellie. Taking your work home with you. Not to be mean, but truly, you are getting little itty bitty crumbs from your MM, who is an emotional wreck. He can't be there for you, like a real relationship, or be supportive of you, because he is super concerned about himself. Frankly, super selfish. His W, mom of his kids, is dying. To me, recharging with an emotionally healthy partner, free to be with you and give/receive love without all of this horrific baggage would be so much better. You need to start being selfish here or all of your energy is going to be sucked away by this MM and his drama.

 

IMHO, this guy needs major counseling and now. NOT from you. You could do with some reading on codependency - just sayin'. From the outside observer, whatever you do, however you phrase it here - it does appear that you are waiting for the W to die. Even after she passes, and you and Mr. Wonderful come out with your relationship, many will know the truth and there will be talk. No matter what.

 

As for that caregiver drivel, BS. The woman is in Hospice. All he has to do is show up and see her. I've been a caregiver in my home.... and i have friends who have had parents in Hospice. With your loved one in Hospice you get to have somewhat of a life.

 

 

Yes! ^^^^this. Major drivel along the lines of "whoa is me". I really wonder how he would feel if he were the one facing the end of days and his wife were busy making plans to come out as a couple to anyone who will support her jacked up view of support for the care giver.

[woinlove]

Woinlove--

 

I'm trying to psychoanalyze myself here re: what am I getting out of this relationship. I'm in love, and that in itself carries some benefit, surely.

 

But, what other, tangible benefit am I, myself, getting. . . I'm having a hard time thinking in those terms, as it seems so selfish.

 

I'm a little worried about speculating here, for obvious reasons, but you asked a thoughtful question and you took the time, so I think that you deserve a thoughtful response.

 

Probably what I do for a living plays into what I'm feeling. I go to places, I see bad things, and I am pretty helpless to improve situations. Rather, my hope is that what I do can be helpful in the long run, but there's just not much I can do to help individuals I meet in the situations in which I meet them.

 

Perhaps in some weird way being able to help MM makes me feel good about myself. What I do for work is very, very stressful. I come home, I recharge, and I go out again.

 

I don't know. I'll think about it some more.

Thanks,

Ellie

 

Don't worry about me deserving a response! I'm interested when you have one, but I just thought that question might be useful for you to think about, because you've commented a few times about helping MM and it is easier - for an observer like me - to see what is in it for MM.

 

I do worry about MM using you - not that he'd do it knowingly necessarily - but he has needs and responsibilities right now and he has chosen a somewhat escapist way of dealing with them. It just seems like a much too tumultuous time in his life for him to be able to form a longer-term R on any sound foundation, but he may be unaware of that and, also, no one likes to think they are using another person so they think of it as something else.

 

ETA: I just saw that BB posted some similar ideas.

Edited August 14, 2011 by woinlove

[eleanor01]

As for that caregiver drivel, BS. The woman is in Hospice. All he has to do is show up and see her. I've been a caregiver in my home.... and i have friends who have had parents in Hospice. With your loved one in Hospice you get to have somewhat of a life.

 

No. . . hospice here is in-home. This means that she has nursing care during the day. He takes care of her when he gets home from work. Hospice care is new for them and I don't know how that is going to end up working. They're in transition to it now.

 

Thanks,

Ellie

[eleanor01]

You sound like a professional rescurer to me, Ellie. . . .

You could do with some reading on codependency - just sayin'.

 

What is within you Ellie that makes you need to be needed so much?

 

Thanks, TurboGirl, and BB07—

 

Hmmmm. . . not a professional rescuer. Maybe more a professional person who sees bad things.

 

About the codependency: I was with a guy who was an alcoholic/abuser. Fortunately, this was the only really nasty relationship I’ve been in. So, I did the al-anon thing and read up on codependency and eventually got rid of him. Maybe I’m just not seeing it right now, but this relationship doesn’t feel at all like that one. I’m not keen on beating my head against a wall.

 

I don’t feel like I need to be needed, per se. I do, however, like to be helpful. This is altogether different than needing to be needed. Codependency has an aspect of making sure you’re always needed, and therefore there’s an investment in making sure that the other person doesn’t get better.

 

Thanks,

Ellie

[jj33]

Ellie theres a saying just because you arent breaking down the door doesnt mean you should throw a brick through the window.

 

I think you need to really look at this. Alcoholic, now man who is in love with his wife who is dying. Yes superficially they are very different situations but they are also very similar in various ways. Its POSSIBLE that the two of you could end up together after his wife's death but its more likely that people will find out, he will feel like a heel because they will react badly and he will feel guilty and tell you that he cant see you anymore. Or that he will feel guilt after her death.

 

Not wishing that for you but just like its possible that an alcoholic can recover - people are successful in AA all the time, they are also told not to start a new relationship while they are in AA. I think the same goes here you are doing your future an injustice if you continue with him now I think and as someone else said he probably doesnt even know this consciously.

[Gentlegirl]

Hi Ellie,

 

So glad to have been of help to you.

 

After 7 years of being sole carer for an Alzheimer's husband, a house being gurned down in the middle of it and him having a brain tumour removed..... well!!!!! I did not have any close friends or family to help either.

 

A lot of people know my story already, so won't go into it again.

 

HOWEVER, the carer's syndrome is real. I had a counsellor who explained it to me. Normal people can sometimes do very out of character things . It is akin to a mental breakdwon if you will.

 

For me, looking back, I cannot believe that I had an A at that time.

 

I can see how your MM could have lost sight of reality as well. His actions look foolish and dangerous, callous, selfish and irresponsible to others.

 

He could very well have been a loving caring father and husband in his former life (before his wife's illness). At the moment he has flipped out, because it happens after long periods of stress and isolation.

 

Have a good day,

 

Gentlegirl

[jwi71]

1. ?? gg's reply has given me food for thought. I didn't say whether I intend to become more or less involved. What I am trying to do is understand.

 

Understand what?

 

As I understood this thread, it was about telling MORE people of your affair with your MM and his terminally ill W (bringing the number, per my count to 6).

 

And while you didn't say whether or not you were looking to continue, it seemed obvious, to me anyway, that was the case since you are asking LS if you should tell a M couple. As that would have been very odd if you were looking to disengage from this A.

 

2. That's a non sequitur. Even if I did intend to become more involved, why would that necessarily involve telling more people?

 

No it isn't. In whatever experience I may have on this planet I have noticed that people like to share newsworthy events, especially good ones. Like a new R. In this case, your A.

 

I assumed that your considering telling more people was a sign of deeper attachment. And that was based, in part, in the feverish research you did about HIM and HIS POSITION in all this (Caregiver syndrome). You call it learning but from where I sit it looks like validation of both your and his actions and choices.

 

Just my opinion.

 

He wanted to tell one couple. I have made it clear that I don't think this is a good idea. This thread has reinforced my opinion.

 

Challenge question. Why is it ok to tell some people in your small town but not others? Why is it ok for him to tell his two and ok for you to tell your two but not this couple?

 

4. Who said anything about going public? First off, he wanted to tell some married friends. He did not say that he wanted to broadcast from the bell tower. Second off, I am against the idea of even telling this couple.

 

Well, four people we KNOW have been told. You are (or were) both considering telling another pair. And this, of course, presumes they tell no one (in a small town where therapists cant be trusted to keep their mouths closed). Sorry, but when people start openly sharing with others I call it "going public".

 

Since you appear to not like the term "going public"...what should we call it?

And how would YOU characterize such behavior?

 

5. WTF?? I have never indicated ANYWHERE that either one of us are waiting for her to die. Neither one of us wants her to die. I would like her to miraculously get well. I love my MM, and I want him to be happy. Having a well wife and a family with only normal family issues would be a great outcome. sheeesh. Okay, that one got to me. Where do you get off making that kind of assumption?

 

Its no assumption - you ARE waiting for her to die.

 

I can prove thusly:

 

WHEN she dies, you will never ever see him again right? Because he will no longer need your support as the caregiver syndrome you are supporting him through will be over. You will, at best, be a platonic friend? Correct?

 

Or...... after her death, you will continue your A - except it won't be an A anymore, it will be "legitimate dating". And you won't NEED to ask LS or anyone else if its ok to meet up with other married couples.

 

Your plans and intentions after her death (I called it your motives in my earlier reply) are the PROOF you ARE waiting for her to die. So you can have HIM.

 

I would of course be wrong if, after her death, your plans were to no longer love him and "just be friends".

 

Which is it.

 

What is YOUR plan?

 

Furthermore, if you truly wish for his W to recover so he can be happy...LEAVE now. Because you aren't there FOR HIM. You are there as "rescuer". See the difference? (Which also speaks to: I'm not waiting for him to die).

 

Again, all this is my opinion based on the very little written. I'm not attacking you or trying to belittle you - but, to me, there is some serious denial going on here. And I WILL challenge you.

[whichwayisup]

Challenge question. Why is it ok to tell some people in your small town but not others? Why is it ok for him to tell his two and ok for you to tell your two but not this couple?

 

I think this couple is the couple who know him and his wife. If they are told, it's putting them in an odd and uncomfortable position! And even more so since they are mutual friends of El's and the wife's!

[NoIDidn't]

I was listening to an interview on the radio about this topic recently.

 

The man, who wrote a book about it, decided he wanted to date since his W had Alzheimer's. The interviewer seemed uncomfortable but non-judgmental about his decision. He said his girlfriend AND he visited his W in the hospital together frequently, or sometimes the girlfriend would go without him and visit the W.

 

I liked his situation. A high school teacher had the same setup when his W was dying from a brain tumor too. The women they were dating had to know and care for their Ws as well. In the teacher's situation, his W went so far as to hook the two up since she knew she was dying. In the author's situation, his W doesn't even know he's her husband anymore.

 

My point, I don't think his plan is horrid BUT.....big BUT here......I think he needs to discuss the whole thing with his family. Sneaking around with mutual friends looks devious and not like he's looking for support, but like he's screwing his family over of his time and energy. Having his family's blessing to incorporate you into his life would lessen society's glare. Some people will still talk but that would be their problem once the family is no longer in the dark AND gives their blessing.

 

(I don't remember the name of the author or the book, but I can look it up for you, if you'd like)

[NoIDidn't]

Okay, looked it up.

 

His name is Barry Peterson.

 

He's a reporter for CBS, so it should be easy to find his book.

[fooled once]

And I guess OP doesn't realize that people GOSSIP. The more people told, the more people tell.

 

As for poor MM, dealing with a terminal wife, kids, job....oh boo flipping hoo.

 

Welcome to life. Welcome to being married with kids. His inability to be faithful is astounding; yet you want to talk about how stressed and overwhelmed he is and how he needs an outlet Gimme a break. He is selfish. He is selfish and self serving. He is doing what many women do every single day. He isn't some hero or some God because he is helping with his wife's care and taking care of his children.

 

The fact that he has found time to have a mistress during ALL his responsibilities ..... yeah, poor guy. Heck, you honestly have no idea if you are his first mistress either.

 

You seem to think you are the only person who can 'help' him; when in reality ,you aren't helping him cope or deal with what life has thrown him. You are enabling him to continue to be a cheater, a liar and untrustworthy. You say you are in love with him...how in the world can you be 'in love' with some guy who is cheating on his wife and his children? You say he loves his wife! OMG, yeah, his actions and behaviors SCREAM how much he loves his wife, right? Can only image what he would be doing if he didn't love his wife.

 

I believe, like the others, that when his wife dies, he will be filled with so much guilt and self hate over his behavior while she was sick that you will end up regretting the affair and he will have no desire to be with you. He will be sickened by his actions; and rightfully so.

 

Then again, from your posts, I see you sticking with him and hoping and waiting for 'your time' with him.

[SoleMate]

Please consider gentlegirl's very wise advice in post #10.

 

You are already taking big risks, and will take more if you "go public". No one on this site can say where it will lead. That is true of all life, of course, but it is much more probably in this situation, that the bad consequences will occur. the M couple you refer to may be open minded, but IMO there is a high chance that going public with them, and in fact trying to turn them into co-opted witnesses and therefore de facto "accepters/validaters" of your EMA, will cause a cooling of your friendship.

 

I find myself reminded...though I hasten to add that the parallels are far from perfect....of being in a Starbucks several years ago and watching an obvious female impersonator exit the "ladies'" room. He was in full regalia with high heels, massive pompadour wig, heavy makeup, false eyelashes, outrageous halter top/mini skirt outfit, accessorized by beer gut, heavy, hairy calves (nylons couldn't cover them), Adam's apple, and 5 o'clock shadow. He paraded around the room and settled into the most visible table, then took out an elaborate makeup bag and spent 30 minutes ostentatiously touching up the eyeliner, primping the wig, freshening lipstick and puckering up in his hand mirror. I felt that he was making me, my friend, and the other people in the room unwilling spectators to his kink, and deriving enjoyment therefrom. The point is, it wasn't enough for him to dress up. He needed people to SEE him dressed up....whether they wanted to or not.

 

Likewise, I am wondering why your MM needs to have people SEE you as a couple. After all, you can both still socialize, even in groups together, without making a point of your couplehood. Why is that not enough?

 

Also, not to rehash the whole A, but it would be one thing if the wife were truly comatose or completely demented (in other words, beyond suffering). Then the A is possible for many (not all) to accept. Yet you say she is simply ill and grumpy. Many people will think she needs her husband even more at this time. Whether the illness is terminal or not is irrelevant, in my view. Being terminal does not relieve one's spouse of the original vow.

 

Men playing around on their very ill, yet still aware, wives, do not get much love even among "open minded" people. John Edwards is a prime example.

 

If you can look forward to 5 years from now, after you have sacrificed a lot, to find yourself alone and the topic of town gossip, and still feel it was worth it, then go ahead. Otherwise I would say take the A back under deep cover, or, preferably, end it.

[NoIDidn't]

Didn't want this to get lost at the bottom of the previous page. So reposting it.

 

 

I was listening to an interview on the radio about this topic recently.

 

The man, who wrote a book about it, decided he wanted to date since his W had Alzheimer's. The interviewer seemed uncomfortable but non-judgmental about his decision. He said his girlfriend AND he visited his W in the hospital together frequently, or sometimes the girlfriend would go without him and visit the W.

 

I liked his situation. A high school teacher had the same setup when his W was dying from a brain tumor too. The women they were dating had to know and care for their Ws as well. In the teacher's situation, his W went so far as to hook the two up since she knew she was dying. In the author's situation, his W doesn't even know he's her husband anymore.

 

My point, I don't think his plan is horrid BUT.....big BUT here......I think he needs to discuss the whole thing with his family. Sneaking around with mutual friends looks devious and not like he's looking for support, but like he's screwing his family over of his time and energy. Having his family's blessing to incorporate you into his life would lessen society's glare. Some people will still talk but that would be their problem once the family is no longer in the dark AND gives their blessing.

 

(I don't remember the name of the author or the book, but I can look it up for you, if you'd like)

 

Okay, looked it up.

 

His name is Barry Peterson.

 

He's a reporter for CBS, so it should be easy to find his book.

[stillafool]

Sneaking around with mutual friends looks devious and not like he's looking for support, but like he's screwing his family over of his time and energy. Having his family's blessing to incorporate you into his life would lessen society's glare. Some people will still talk but that would be their problem once the family is no longer in the dark AND gives their blessing.

 

 

^^^^^^^^^^^^

The above and I think the first person he should tell is his wife. He clearly sounds like he wants more than just an affair if he wants all these other people to know about the two of you. Why not just come clean to all?

[eleanorrigby]

I was listening to an interview on the radio about this topic recently.

 

The man, who wrote a book about it, decided he wanted to date since his W had Alzheimer's. The interviewer seemed uncomfortable but non-judgmental about his decision. He said his girlfriend AND he visited his W in the hospital together frequently, or sometimes the girlfriend would go without him and visit the W.

 

I liked his situation. A high school teacher had the same setup when his W was dying from a brain tumor too. The women they were dating had to know and care for their Ws as well. In the teacher's situation, his W went so far as to hook the two up since she knew she was dying. In the author's situation, his W doesn't even know he's her husband anymore.

 

My point, I don't think his plan is horrid BUT.....big BUT here......I think he needs to discuss the whole thing with his family. Sneaking around with mutual friends looks devious and not like he's looking for support, but like he's screwing his family over of his time and energy. Having his family's blessing to incorporate you into his life would lessen society's glare. Some people will still talk but that would be their problem once the family is no longer in the dark AND gives their blessing.

 

(I don't remember the name of the author or the book, but I can look it up for you, if you'd like)

 

I like this. This puts an entirely different flavor in my mouth on the situation. Doing it this way is something people could respect.

[whichwayisup]

Your options:

 

1)Continue the A, quietly and hope for the best after his wife passes away.

 

2)End it and walk away, start again when the timing is right and he's had time alone to grieve the loss of his wife and family unit as one.

 

3)The previous from another reply. Come clean. Talk to him about this, telling his wife "the plan" and be included in her care. She knows you? If she does and she respects you, there's a tiny chance she'll want her husband to be happy in the future. Just don't flaunt it in her face and be affectionate or lovey dovey when around her IF you two do tell her the truth. Though, it could back fire completely and she could freak out, want nothing to do with you or him, kick him out..Then the fallout would be huge, including his kids. This is the sort of stuff that tears families apart and words are said that can never ever be taken back.

 

Maybe it's time to involve a therapist in this situation, get a professional opinion that understands the pro's and con's of handling this the proper and fair/respectful way.

 

This whole situation is painful but this all still falls on the head of your MM. He never should have come to you during this time, and it's too bad you didn't turn him away...he should have relied on close friends and other family members, take up hobbies to allow him some 'alone time'. Now he has a potiential time bomb ticking and it could go either way.

[Tenacity]

I was interested in your story so I read your other posts. This is troubling. It is extremely rare for a woman in her 50's to have dementia. If your story is real, you should know that women with early-onset dementia or Alzheimer's (early meaning in the 60's) typically live for a decade or more. I have visited a lot of infidelity forums. This one seems to have a lion's share of controversial threads.

 

As a physician I would agree. Even for secondary causes of dementia, under the age of 65 it's rare.