A never ending site to this affair turmoil my wife is putting me through!!!!

[radioflyer]

well all....perhaps a semi-happy ending to this whole ordeal!! I just got back from court and all the charges were dropped in my case which plays a good part with the military. my wife cried when i walked in and couldn`t stand it!

she couldn`t stop looking at me and it killed me to see her sitting there with "him"!! after the charges were dropped, she came out to me and said she was sorry for all that she has put me through. she rubbed my arm and asked me if i needed a hug and i told her no. as she walked out....it was like a movie scene. she turned around and looked at me with the saddest eyes and lipped "I LOVE YOU". She called me a couple of hours later and said that she needed to sit down and talk with me about things. She asked me privately for no one to know if i can set up a counciling session for us. i told her that i would. she asked me to meet her in a parking lot and i did. she got out of the car and looked more amazing than what i have ever seen her look! she just ran up to me and gave me the most heartfelt amazing hug i have ever had!! She would not let go of me and i told her that i would never give up on her or this marriage. she kissed me on my cheeck and then on my lips before she left! This feeling was the most overwhelming feeling i have ever had in my life!!! it was like the your first kiss when you were a kid.

she asked me to sit down tonight and think very hard whether i can ever trust her again if we try to work things out! she said that she is sorry for everything that she has put me through and never meant to hurt me.

A little background about what i have been going through and doing the past couple of days. I chose on my own to go to marriage counciling to figure out what I did wrong in the marriage and I sat down and made a list of things and it was pretty signifigant! i talked to my wife about these things and it seemed to really hit home with her and these were actually things that have been built up inside her for a long time. I couldn`t believe it....how could i be so nieve and turn my back on them and ignore them instead of doing something about it.. so, here is the catch...marriage is a 2 way street and so is communication! Perhaps she did talk about it to me and i ignored these things, or maybe she took the wrong approach in bringing it up to me!

 

AAAAAHHHHH!!! Another update as of about 5 minutes ago. Today was a very positive step forward that just took to BIG steps back. I called her at work briefly to see how her day is going. She said not good and it was rough. My wife then proceeded to tell me that she needs to tell me something and just doesn`t want me to take it the wrong way or anything. But she said that all she can say is one day at a time right now and that she CANNOT give 110% in this. I asked her "How could you do this to me??!!" how could you lead me on to believe that you were willing to give up your lover and work things out with counseling and now change your mind!! what is going on in your head right now??!! I told her that if you cannot give 110% than I am not doing this and marriage counseling definately will NOT work for us. She asked me if she just wanted her to lie to me and tell me that she isn`t torn between her lover and I. I couldn`t stand to hear this out of her mouth. I told her that as long as she is living there (and he is giving her the space she needs) and she doesn`t become emotionally de-tached from him and me, than she will never be able to make a decision. She then proceeded to tell me that this was just a bad idea and she is not worth it (which tells me now that she is craving the attention from both of us and is feeding off of it). she told me that she is going to just leave me alone now and not call. which is fine because i will proceed with the "no contact" rule until she cannot stand it anymore. I told her that i am NOT doing this emotional rollercoaster ride and sit and wait until she makes a decision. she either makes it or else i am ready to move on with my life and the rest of her stuff is her packed and ready for whenever she wants to pick it up. I cannot stand this anymore that once again when i think things are going great, I have to compete with MY wife!! thanks for listening all and i will tune in soon and spill my beans again with another F**ed up update. thanks for your help and concern and comments!

marc

[bluechocolate]

I told her that i am NOT doing this emotional rollercoaster ride and sit and wait until she makes a decision. she either makes it or else i am ready to move on with my life

 

I think you should be ready to do that NOW. This woman nearly cost you your career and perhaps even your freedom. It sounds to me that you've done all that you can - the rest is up to her. Even if she does decide to come back and give 110% to your marriage, are you going to be able to trust her again? It's time for you to make her understand that she can't have it both ways. It sounds to me like she figures that you'll be there, so she'll have her fun, screwing up with head the entire time, and when she's had enough - well there you are, waiting for her, still loving her and still willing to take her back. How sweet for her.

 

....and the rest of her stuff is her packed and ready for whenever she wants to pick it up.

 

You should take some control. What's with this "whenever she wants ...."? Send a message telling her that her stuff is on the front step for 24 hours and then it's off to a charity shop.

[radioflyer]

Thank you for the reply...that is a good idea to take charge. It seems like when i have been laying down the law and telling her how it is going to be, that`s when she starts to face reality. I am just going to leave her alone now and play her mind games on her own. Another thing that she told me yesterday that was wierd was the fact that this guy says that he can see why i love her so much. reason is because she is such a wonderful person he said. she told me that he got mad at him and slammed the door in his face. i asked why and she said she didn`t know. perhaps now she is looking for a reason to get mad at him and break it off. but i reminded her that the first step to this process is to become emotionally and physically detached from him and me and be on her own.

so, here is the catch...i just found out that the military is going to put a restraining order between me and him, and him and my wife. this is military policy and is out of my hands they said. which means that she will be forced to move out, have to stop working part time with her and stop talking on the phone. the military does not take something like this lightly! so, will this be a good thing that it will force her to get out of there and cut all contact off, or will she get pissed at me and think that i implemented the restraint order. this is like a freaking soap opera here and i really don`t know if i want involved anymore. thanks again!!

m

[bluechocolate]

I must confess that I'm ignorant of all things military. I don't quite understand how they can enforce a restraining order on all parties. Do you all live on base? Are you all in the military?

 

Regardless, no outside interference is going to get you your wife back. Are you willing to have her back simply because a restraining order is stopping her from seeing this other guy?

 

process is to become emotionally and physically detached from him and me and be on her own.

 

I think it's time she start figuring things out for herself. You don't have to tell her these things again and again. She tells you that this guy, with whom she is conducting an adulterous affair, thinks she's such a wonderful person and he can see why you love her so much. Why the hell is she telling you crap like this? Certainly not because she has any respect for your feeling on the matter! If she had any desire to salvage your marriage I would think that HE would be the last thing she should be talking about with her husband in these terms.

 

...... or will she get pissed at me and think that i implemented the restraint order

 

I beg your pardon - but wasn't it her that put this in motion by filing those charges against you in the first place?

 

I'm not you or her or him and I don't know any of you so it's very easy for me to be objective when matters of the heart can so often be anything but rational or objective. But I think it's time for the both of you to be on your own. The only time she should contact you now is when she's gotten rid of the guy, she's decided to give you and your marriage 110% of her effort, she's sought and started some outside counselling to help her with that goal and she is truly remorseful and deserving of your forgiveness AND if by that time you are still willing to give it a go.

 

Best of luck to you !

[radioflyer]

well i think you hit the nail on the head. as far as the military things goes (i should have explained it further), he is in the military and so am i. but he also works for her partime at a retail store. The military is VERY BIG on adultery among military people. so basically as long as we are not legally separated the restraining order stays in effect because it is still considered adultery in the military.

So, the more i think about it, the more you are right! Why in the hell is she telling me these things? I can`t stand it and I can`t stand the fact that she is staying there, but she says that there is no affection being displayed because she needs to figure out what she needs to do. You are right about the outside force acting or forcing her to come back. i don`t want her to come back, but i want to get her out of that situation and be forced to detatch herself from him one way or another and be on her own! If this is how it has to happen, this is how it IS going to happen. Why does this seem to be worth the fight to me. Why does this seem to be worth fighting for my wife over another man because he can give her emotional support and nothing else! I am ready to give up and just move on, but it really is not that easy. thanks again

md

[reservoirdog1]

Sorry to say, but that ungrateful woman is playing you. She went to your court-martial on the arm of OM? And then later that day she asked if you two could work it out? What kind of crap is that? To bring him to your court-martial was totally unthinking of her. To the approach you about trying again, later that day, is manipulative and cruel.

 

She's said she can't give 110%. Sorry, but it's not that she's physically incapable of doing so; she's simply chosen not to. Of course it's difficult! Of course she may have to "force it!" Whether she does so or not says a lot about her commitment to you and to the marriage. In my case, TBXW cut off physical intimacy for the same reason, because she didn't want to commit to something that could be over in a month. To me that was another nail in the coffin of the marriage.

 

I think she needs an ultimatum. Until she dumps her little f*ck buddy, moves out of his apartment, moves back in with you, breaks off all contact with him, and commits 110%, you won't give her the time of day. You start moving on with your life. Start doing things for yourself... seeing friends, going to the gym, enjoying your life. If she's really interested in fixing things, she won't be able to stand seeing you get on with your life, and will beg you to take her back. Then you lay down the law, and tell her it's non-negotiable.

[FolderWife]

OMG! I just read your other threads...you actually SAW them together doing FOREPLAY! Uck, how sick. If my husband had an affiar, I might be able to forgive him and move on. But if I saw him on top of another woman in the middle of foreplay, that would be it!

 

How are you ever going to get that image out of your mind ? How are you ever going to be able to forgive this stupid bi*** for having you arrested for beating the crap out of that loser she's sleeping with!? She's the one in the wrong, and I am not one for violence, but after that, there's no way I blame you for beating his butt! Spit in her face? She deserved much worse in my opinion. Now she has the gal to call and want you back.

 

Ok, first off, if I SAW my husband going down on some woman, I'd have taken a bat to her and him. Then, I'd be RUNNING to get a divorce. I would never forgive him if I saw him. I would never be able to forget that image. I would never be able to forgive the way she's lied to you. I would just get a divorce, because my husband wouldn't be worth crap in my eyes any more.

 

Your wife...what can I say. She lies to you for a long time, she cheats on you, then she has you arrested, and you are trying to figure out WHAT YOU DID WRONG!!! You didn't do anything wrong. No matter how lousy of a husband you were, she should have just divorced you, and not played you for a fool! You don't love HER, you love the person you made up in your head. If she was anything worth loving, you would not have such a dramatic story to post on here.

 

Do like they said; put her clothes on the porch, and tell her she has 24 hours to pick them up. If she doesn't get them, give them to charity. When she comes crying at your door wanting to come back home because she's not allowed around the other guy, hand her the divorce papers. AND DON'T LET HER IN.

 

If I'm not mistaken, legally the divorce is her fault, since she is the cheater, so don't leave her with anything. Keep the home, keep all the stuff in it, keep the vehicles (if you can afford them...if not, let her have hers) She has done you VERY WRONG. Leave her, and don't look back with fond thoughts! Let her revel in the mess she's made. Don't take her back. She does not deserve you at all!

[bluechocolate]

Why does this seem to be worth the fight to me?

 

Because you love(d) her. You must have been happy together at one time. But even if you "win" the fight that "one time" will never be there again. You are both very different people now. Reconciliation is always possible I suppose, but I wouldn't have it in me after what you've been through.

 

Why does this seem to be worth fighting for my wife over another man because he can give her emotional support and nothing else!

 

There could be lots of reasons; you want her back, you want some pay-back on him, you want her to say she was wrong, you want her to say that you're the only one, you believe that that is what a man should do,........... What does it matter? To my mind the fight that you are really talking about is the fight to rebuild your relationship but you can't do that alone, nor can you force her to fight the good fight with you.

 

I am ready to give up and just move on, but it really is not that easy.

 

Ah, well if it was easy this forum would not exist !

 

thanks again

 

you're very welcome

[radioflyer]

*sigh* *sigh* *sigh* You are very right...how am i ever going to get that image out of my head? Being hypnotized i guess.....I am just physically ill right now. I thank you for your replies and thank you for reading all of my posts. The sad thing is, is that this has only really been a week after i caught them! I feel like I am back to square one right now!! I want to just pick up and move away (and I would) if I hadn`t invested in the freaking house just 8 months ago!! My enlistment as an active duty reservist ends in august and right about the 1 year mark of this house. Yesterday, she had asked me if i could just get up and move away with her somewhere away from all of this. To me, I don`t care, I just want my life back and things back to normal (although that will never happen). I also keep running the thought through my head that relationships and marriages work out after time from and affair and actually 110% better. This may also seem sick, but I am saying to myself...."ah, just let her get it out of her system"! I mean that is a sick thought to even think. During all of this she left me a message on my phone that said 143 Ninny. (143=I Love you) and (Ninny is her pet name for me after the NIttany Lions). She was so sincere and the tables just turned after that and it seemed to turn after he came into work with her. Sorry if I am repeating myself over and over because my mind is so jumbled i don`t know what i have typed down anymore. I really and truely DON`t want to give up at all and don`t plan to. I also asked her if they are affectionate towards each other and she acted like i was crazy! She said i know that you are drawing things up in your head and imaging things that are not happening. "It`s not like we are playing house here". I mean how comfortable could it be with 3 guys and 2 dogs in an apartment. But it seems like whenever she calls me at 4 am she is in his bed and talks to me for an hour and no one is in the bed. I know he works the early shift, but not that early. She still insists that he is just leaving her alone and giving her the space to think. I don`t f***ing know anymore. Thanks again

marc

[radioflyer]

Exactly right! all of you are outstanding with your support and advice!!! I refuse to contact her now and will wait and wait and will not even call her back until she calls! The anger is starting to build up again as I sit here and think about what all she has done to me and lied to me about all to have a little high school romance!! She is 26 years old and i thought she was very mature, but i guess not. and apparently with the guy who is a skinny piece of sh*t with some tattoos, her mom said that the "F" bomb has dropped out of her mouth every other word (which is unlike her). So from here on out, I will sit back and enjoy the show and wait until the bombshell is dropped by the military on monday!! Then I`m sure I will get a phonecall (which i will NOT answer) about how i could do this blahblahblah and put a restraining order with the military (which again is out of my hands and in the hands of the military) thanks again and i will keep you posted!

md

[radioflyer]

ok....well, I woke up late lastnight (actually about 1:45 am) and had a sick sick feeling in my stomach that "omigosh! they are having sex right now"!! i figured, saturday night, a couple of drinks and so on. tell me if this isn`t too far fetched though. and i thought and thought some more about all that i have been through in the past month and a half, and the anger really started to build inside me. so i waited until 6 am becauase i had to go to work and i put her sh*t out infront of the house and sent a text message saying "your stuff is on the porch, come and get it"! well, needless to say, she called me at 10 am and left a message on the answering machine saying "yeah, it`s a good F`in thing you aren`t there" she said how dare you leave a message on my phone on a sunday at 6 am telling me to get my stuff off of the porch.

 

Meanwhile, i was actually inside the house and the car was in the garage. she tried to get in but couldn`t. here is the catch, i knew she was on her way over, so i took all of the stuff and put it BACK in the house!!

thought i would just play a little game. and then she called and called until i finally picked up and we had words! That quickly ceased when i laid into her AGAIN about all that she has put me through, disrespected, and degraded me, herself, family and friends ect.... i told her that it was over and any decisions she was going to make about her life and her "boy toy" ,was not going to include me. i told her that i am moving on and making life decisions for ME. she said "good, it`s about time you take care of yourself!" I mean, what the hell, she just said that she has been taking care of me the whole time we have been married. now, if i am not mistaken, isn`t that the whole point of marriage, but to take care of each other. she was just getting these little digs in to make me mad, and it didn`t work.

 

Ok. so i threw a big twist into the matter. for our anniversary at the beginning of April, she bought me a new wedding band to wear (which i obviously never got to wear). i asked her to get the receipt out so i can take it back before the 30 days and get the $300 back to pay the bills for this month, since she left me high and dry. That REALLY seem to hit her. She started to sob and say "But, but...you are really going to take it back"?

I said yeah, i am, so at least i can have a little bit of income out of this. She really freaked and cried and couldn`t talk. she just said bye and hung up.

 

i know i know, this is like a big soap opera to everyone, but it`s kind of enjoyable now to put my foot down and say how it is really going to be and now the ball is in my court!! so, apparently, she is coming tonight to "Get the rest of her things" and i told her no hurry, they will be out on the porch waiting. so i am really just going to leave the door unlocked so she can come in because i really know what she is going to come here for. what do you all think i should do if she is serious about talking this time?

thanks

md

[Rightlymia]

That is some f*cked up story you got there. How old are you radioflyer? I'm just curious. Notice how her attitude changes when you start to not care?? This is so typical. My best friend did the same thing, she cheated on her husband, was acting like a bitch, and then when he started NOT caring, she was crying and freaking out. It's kinda twisted.

[radioflyer]

I am 25 years old! Yeah imagine that, huh? I know people say that I am young, but I have been through a lot in my lifetime, trust me! I have flown from one end of the continent to the other many times with the military. I have been through deaths, basic training, combat and water survival school to include 6 days in the wilderness with minus 13 degree weather and no food and so on, but nothing compares to the stress and devastation that this has put me through...sorry, i will get off of my soapbox now!

[bluechocolate]

...sorry, i will get off of my soapbox now!

 

Hey - you get up on your soapbox and shout as loud and as long as you want

 

I've been thinking about your update and how to respond. I do hope that reservoirdog1 gets back to you because it's always better to hear from someone who has gone through similar shyte.

 

Anger can be a good thing ( controlled anger obviously ). It sounds to me that you're starting to get a grip on things.

 

The one thing I would like to say is that I think control is also about consistency. What do I mean by that? You told her that her stuff was on the porch, but then it wasn't. If you tell her you want the ring back, then take it back. If she begins to think that your threats are empty then they become meaningless.

 

I know this is an easy thing to say and I honestly don't know what the f*ck I would do if I was in your shoes, but you should try to be calm and rational when you speak to her and see her. When you get emotional ( shouting, crying, accusing, etc. ) then she sees that she can still get to you. Imagine how much more of an impact you'll have if you can calmly and rationally explain your feelings and not react to her tears? Imagine what she'll be thinking if you can calmly and rationally tell her you want the ring back, then take it back and turn your back on her. You have to convince her that you are serious and that you mean what you say.

 

Tell her that

 

The only time she should contact you is when she's gotten rid of the guy, she's decided to give you and your marriage 110% of her effort, she's sought and started some outside counselling to help her with that goal and she is truly remorseful and deserving of your forgiveness

 

If she can't do that then you have little chance of rebuilding your marriage.

[FolderWife]

Yes. If you are going to play games, then play a good one. Being consitantly numb to her is the best way to get out of her what she really wants. If you act like you couldn't care less if she came back to you or not, then she might come back...since that seems to be what you want.

 

If you keep saying, "Your junk is on the porch," but it's not, then she's going to realize that you are just doing anything that you can to get a rise out of her.

 

My husband can treat me like sh***, and I'll get mad and start treating him the same way, then he starts treating me all good.

 

See...it's all in how you work it. Honestly, I wish you would dump her butt, because she deserves nothing better! But I understand how you are not willing to let go just yet.

[radioflyer]

Oh sweet symphony! A very positive push forward with my soap opera. You will all love this one! My wife called me on her lunch break to see if I was going to be here to get the rest of her things. I was very polite and said "sure I`ll be here whenever you get a chance". She came right over and is the first time she has been in the house since, well....for a while. Anyway first thing she did was lay down on the floor with our (my) dog because he is considered her child. so i immediately picked the bags up and asked her to get the door for me and she insisted that she would get them, but i said no they are kind of heavy. so i carefully loaded the car up for her and asked her for (My) garage door opener and (My) house keys. She quickly snapped and said "You mean OUR keys to OUR house!". I was like yeah whatever you want. Completely played the polite and courteous part. This might be long, but I think you all will get a good laugh out of it.

The conversation started off that I have put the house for rent on base for $1200 a month (I really didn`t do it, but I thought i would see her reaction, which I really didn`t get one). She said well, what about if I want to rent it . I said, ok, do you want to rent it? She said "Not for 1200 F**ing bucks a month". Well, ok then, conversation ends then doesn`t it.

Anyway, she gives me the receipt for the ring and insists on saying that there is a 90 day period that i can take back the ring and not a 30 day. So as she proceeded to walk around the house and look at things she said that in the end she wants things out of the house before all said and done. So, me being the polite person i am ....I said well, what do you want, I`ll get it for you now. She stated that she wanted her wine bottle opener! I mean c`mon does it get any better than that. So, i quickly took it out of the drawer case and all with some other odds and ends. I said anything else, she said...."well, just things" and looked at some of the pictures on the wall. As she looked at them, I took them off the wall for her and started a new box. I told her, look, whatever you take now is all the less I have to move when I go. Well i could really see it building in her for the climax of ultimate devastation on her. So, I started suggesting things and told her whatever she wants just point it out and you can have it. She just pointed out the dumbest things! Anyway, I asked if she wanted this picture of us in the frame and she started crying and said yes along with the wedding pictures. Then came the financial situation with the cars and insurance and so on. I told her not to worry about the bills, that I would take care of them and the only thing that she had to take care of was the car payment. She insisted that she help with bills and credit card bills, insurance ect. I still refused and said that i will handle it. Now this really upset her!

It was later brought up about separation and divorce and it seems as though she was one step ahead of the game and like a smart ass said "oh, don`t worry, I already have the paperwork and it will cost us 90 dollars". I said well, all said and done I will end up paying about 5k in attorney fees ect.... She thought that was a little bizarre and thinks this is the easy way out with the $90 fee and it will take 30 days. But it was also stated that when she files, it will be for irreconcilable differences. Of course i retaliated and said "woah woah woah...there is no irreconcilable differences here" . She said "oh that`s right because I cheated on you". Of course this is true and it is considered a "no fault" divorce under means of the other spouse committing adultery. But I told her that before she does that, wait, and I am trying for an annulment and it could save us a lot because this marriage was never meant to be!

Now mind you, I am being completely civil about this whole thing and giving the cold shoulder, with the no eye contact and so on. She also asked on the subject of divorce if I want her to take her old name back. I mean what do you think I said. "Please by all means change your name back and yes, I do want you to change your name!" What scares me, as I think about it, is the fact that she already has the paperwork for divorce and thinks it is going to be a done deal with 30 days and $90! Is she out of her freaking mind!!?? Does she really think that this stuff is going to be that easy and I`m going to let it go as irreconcilable differences. AAAAHHH!!!

The story gets better. As I was packing the last box in the car and giving the cold shoulder like I don`t care, she grabs the picture that I gave her of us and whips it out in the road!!!!! The glass smashed everywhere!!

At this time, she is still crying and went out to pick the picture and frame up and threw it in the trash can. As she was doing that, I acted like nothing happened and started walking back in the house and said "Hey, if you need anything else, just call". Well, she stomped back in and asked for this other piece of mail that I had for her. I proceeded back out into the road to pick the glass up and she asked me if I needed a broom. I said no, i got it, you just go ahead and go back to work. I went back to her car and asked her if I can just have the wedding pictures back because I have a feeling that if she did that to the picture, that she was going to look at the wedding pictures, get mad, and throw them away. So, I opened the car door and took them out as she started crying insisting that she wasn`t going to do that ( I took them anyway). She got into the car and just sat there with the window down (it is raining pretty hard at this time) and still just sat there for the longest time and said something out of the window that i couldn`t hear, but just ignored. As she pulled out of the driveway, with the window wound down, she sat there again in the road and said something softly (Of course i heard it this time)

.............what did she say you ask?? "You really don`t care do you?" I just looked up from picking up the glass, hoping that she wouldn`t see my hands bleeding and simply said.... "What?". Needless to say she slammed the gas pedal and sped off!! An end of this chapter of the story and the saga continues I`m sure.

So, what do you all think? The divorce paperwork thing scares me A LOT!! But how can i retaliate to come back and prove that she really did have an adulterous affair while we were married? Can i contest and just not sign the papers and get my own lawyer?? Any input, suggestions, comments on whether I should just sit back and watch her crumble now or not. Ok, Ok, I left a major detail out that she told me. She said for me not to tell anyone, but, she has an appt. to see a Psychologist this week. Thanks for listening and tune in again!

md

[FolderWife]

Well You certainly called her bluffs really really well.

 

Definately don't sign an ireconcilable differences divorce. Jeesh

 

Is there any way you can have the fact that you CAUGHT them in bed together taken to court? I wonder if you could print out this thread, and use it as evidence, since it has dates and everything.

 

If you get a lawyer, ask them if printing your threads on here would hold in court. I understand (if I'm not mistaken) that diaries hold up in court...so why wouldn't loveshack threads? It has your whole story down, and dates to go with it.

 

Just a thought.

[FolderWife]

Also, in your origional threads, you wanted to get back with her! This will probably prove that you didn't write these threads in malace. Also, it will show your progression of thoughts, plus it will show her role in the whole thing. You can't fake dates on this thing...unless you are a computer whiz

 

I dont' know...

 

ANYONE ELSE'S COMMENTS MORE THAN WELCOME....I CAN'T HELP HERE!!<--NEVER BEEN DIVORCED!!

[jmargel]

Dude, you aren't moving on. You are in this soap opera which will have a terrible ending unless you fix it now.

 

Ask yourself on what YOU really want. Be honest. Do you want her back with you? It comes down to that. If your answer is yes then you need to ask her the same, without all the freaking head games.

 

If she was willing to goto counciling with you, why didnt you? Of course she's going to be scared and have doubts. She has one guy telling her what she wants to hear but yet still feels a love for you. That should tell you alot. And what do you do? You yell & scare her off by saying 'I want 110% now!'. Damn, aren't we a little demanding.

 

I don't know the whole story between you two, but if a couple is truly happy then one is not going to stray. You need to admit your faults in this relationship and what you did wrong. You are going back to the old ways you once were. This is a very delicate situation and you are just about to destroy any last chance you have. If you think you are going to emotionally muscle your way back into her life by doing these things, you are wrong.

 

What you should've done when she mentioned about not giving '110%' is to BITE YOUR TONGUE AND TELL HER YOU UNDERSTAND. THEN, let the councilor deal with that problem. That is what they are trained to do. She will then understand what her real feelings are.

 

Don't mess this up anymore than you have. Talk to her calmly & remember everything you learned in counciling. She needs to feel understood & validated even if its something you don't want to tell her right now, you must.. That is, if you want her back. If she is for it, set something up for this week with a councilor. Stop hurting each other, and stop the blaming. Be mature.

[radioflyer]

here is the thing though....i have opened up to her numerous times now and have been to a councelor on my own to figure out what i did. i bought books and made a list and sat down with her over the phone 3 times and pleaded my case and it really touched her that i did all this and yes, admitted that why the affair happend was partially my fault and I ignored the cry for help from her. It doesn`t help that she is living with this guy and his roomates and sleeping on his bed while he is "sleeping on the couch". I have a really F**d up situation. She has nowhere to go supposively and is choosing to stay there AGAIN because he is giving her the space that she needs. Ya know and I don`t know if i mentioned this yesterday that she called and said that she cannot pick her stuff up from work but will do it today. So i decided to drive up to her work and park in the parking lot and watch for her to come out and figure out what the reason was....well, they BOTH came trotting out flirting the whole way out the the car as he walked her around to her side of the car and it looks like they almost kissed, but didn`t. then he jumped in his side, rolled down the windows and off they sped opposite down the highway of what they should have been going. i tried to follow them, but lost them. as of right now, i have told her and pleaded with her all that i can and i told her that if she wants to work this out, the ball is in her court, and SHE has to be the one to make the change. NOT ME!! she just seems so preoccupied with him and spends all of her free time with him. But seriously though, something tells me (a little something) that he is giving her the space, but there again I feel that she is very vulnerable now and since they are together and have the opportunity that no roommates are around, things happen and she is taked advantage of in her vulnerable state. this thought just makes me ill. Today, however is a sign that reality has really hit her with all of the hints in my above post. I made it clear (on purpose) to pull reverse psychology on her and act like i didn`t care. The reason being that i have been doing this is because this is when i get the most response back from her. I want her to think that if it doesn`t work out between her and her "boy toy" that she has nothing to fall back on!! And as of right now, she really has nothing to fall back on because I am positively moving forward with my life and whatever happens will happen, with or without her. I am planning for the worst, but something tells me that after these events today I will be getting a phone call early in the morning or maybe tonight of which i will not answer and will let her dwell. Yes, I am pulling the "no contact" order still and this is my choice. As they say Absence makes the heart grow fonder!!

thanks

md

[Rightlymia]

If you tried to get back together now it would be DISASTER..It would never ever work because you will never trust her again..She did some pretty unforgivable things there..I say move on and keep on doing what you're doing until you REALLY don't care and she is crying in the corner like a baby..

[FolderWife]

I think you should move on too. I don't think what's gone on is forgivable. Honestly, I am probably the minority, but "checking up on her" by spying on her at work, is probably a good way to get over her. The more images you have of them together, the less likely you'll be able to forgive her.

 

You NEED to forget about her, and move on...even though I know that's not what you want to do.

 

I'm not going to give any advice at this time, because you want advice on how to get her back, and I don't think that's a good idea at all.

[radioflyer]

I got a phone call early this morning (as I predicted) from my wife. She was sleeping on the couch at where she is staying. She sat down and wrote me a letter and realized that I have been right in the things I have said and have done! She never tooks my words of wisdom as a husband, but pushed them away and pushed me away. She has always put her family first and have always been there for them when they needed her. It seems as though the only time that her family calls her is when they need something from her and she realizes that now and I have been trying to tell her that. So, why does something like an affair have to bring these things out, I just don`t understand. She said that she realized that she tried to change me as a person and I did the same! She asked me why we stoped giving each other a kiss goodbye or hello during the day and stopped holding hands ect... I told her because we reached our "comfort zone" in our relationship. Where you think that this person will always be there when you come home or go to bed or wake up! This is not true! I realized that everytime you walk out that door or the other walks out, it could very well be the last time that you ever see that person again. It saddens me to hear her voice and listen to the emotional trauma that she is going through. I tried to play the toughguy in the matter and started to break down at the end. She asked me why i don`t hate her for what she did. I told her that she married me for a reason and no matter what, I will ALWAYS be here as a friend to listen. For better or worse, sickness and in health, thick or thin....that`s what a marriage is all about! She started to cry again! I told her that the ball is in her court and the decisions that she makes will affect her for the rest of her life. I bascially told her that if she wants me there or not, I am just a phone call away. I seem to have left it open a bit and said that as of right now I am moving on and whether she chooses to be there or not is her decision.

She said that it comforts her to hear my voice and that it is like a blanket that keeps her warm. I asked a vague question about us and she said that she thinks things are too far gone to work anything out and I assured her that they weren`t. It also seems that she is too worried about other people hating her for what she has done and is basing this decision on that and what other people think if we were to get back together. Her mom told her that my dad has written her off and hates her for what she has done and this really hurt her to hear that. She kept bringing it up over and over and I told her that he didn`t say that and this is not the case. Deep down inside through all of this emotional rollercoaster I still believe that things will work out in the end, but I know that I really shouldn`t get my hopes up! I notiticed that throughout the entire conversation, she never mentioned his name once. Please just disreguard this reply and think of it as my personal online journal now for everyone to read! thanks for listening!

md

[FolderWife]

dejavu! read this already

 

If you still love her, and you still want her, just make up for goodness sakes! Its sooooo obvious she loves you. Maybe she just slept with that guy because he was comforting her, and one thing led to another.

[radioflyer]

well monday...i had to smile when i read your post! of course i looked at the soaking wet cat too and it is a nice thing to wake up to. she said that she is going to call me later, so we will see. One day at a time! thanks again for your insight!

md