A never ending site to this affair turmoil my wife is putting me through!!!!

[VivianLee]

First of all...please stay safe!! Keep us updated with how you are now and then, okay??

 

I'm sorry but I think the relationship was over when she started getting restless and wanting to experiment. I think perhaps, she hasn't grown or matured in your marriage as you have. I'm sure there was a time she was thinking of you and only you but she is just really out to play the field and apparently with even different genders....I think she's confused and still has some wild hairs, something that doesn't work when you are married.

 

I think she realizes you are awesome, that you love and adore her and that she's gotten something good with you. But her "wanderlust" is more important to her. That's where she fails you as a person that is suppose to love you. She is putting her needs before yours. Plus, if she truly wanted to be with you for the rest of your lives....she won't be meandering between you and her other life choices...you'd win hands down....

 

Since she knows you are very in love with her and that you are the person you are....she knows that she can string you along for security as she ventures into her new life. I'm sorry but I don't believe what you saw in that window was the first time or the last time. All cheaters (I know this personally) have a hard time admitting the things they've done, no one wants people to know they have a nasty side. Plus, you could move on if you hated her and she doesn't want that. She wants you when she wants and how she wants. Even though she is the wrong one here, she is still calling the shots. If she truly loved you and was sorry for what she'd done....she'd be letting you call the shots, she'd been on her knees begging your forgiveness and work on spending the rest of her life to make it up to you. Instead she strings you along with a little affection here or some hypervenilations there...she is apparently good at mind games and knows what buttons of yours to push....

 

She can't even be good enough or kind to let you move on. What does that tell you? If you saw the chick doing this to your best friend or brother, what would you tell them??

 

I know it hurts to leave the person you love. I know you want her. But you can and deserve better than this. She is going to break your heart as long as she's in your life. In fact, till she learns about how to truly love someone, she is going to break the hearts of males and females all along the way.....thank God you didn't have children with this selfish woman....there are women out there that would love to have a husband like you and have you to be the father of their children....stay strong and move on! You can do it!!

 

Try and forgive your brother, he didn't make the situation worse....it's not been any good to start with. He loves you, he's angry. Heck, I don't even know you and I'm angry at what she's done....

 

Focus on keeping yourself safe (how long are you to be there?), think about the exciting parts to moving on to a brand new life with a clean slate...try not to talk to her....I don't care how many times her breathing gets bad or she needs to talk....stay away from her this whole time and give yourself time to heal and to show her, she isn't going to control you any more!!

 

Again, stay safe and God Bless!

[jmargel]

Good post vivian..

 

Radioflyer, just becareful out there. It's hard enough, but when your concentration isn't 100% because of the situation you are in, it just makes it that much more difficult.

 

She does need to mature alot in life. Grass isn't always greener on the other side, and she should've been honest with you before you two got married.

 

Take one day at a time. Try not to look what is down the road. Be concerned right now with coming back home. Everything else will fall into place.

[VivianLee]

Originally posted by jmargel

Good post vivian..

 

Radioflyer, just becareful out there. It's hard enough, but when your concentration isn't 100% because of the situation you are in, it just makes it that much more difficult.

 

She does need to mature alot in life. Grass isn't always greener on the other side, and she should've been honest with you before you two got married.

 

Take one day at a time. Try not to look what is down the road. Be concerned right now with coming back home. Everything else will fall into place.

 

Thanks Jeff, I basically reiterated what you'd posted! You have good perception!!

 

Again, my main concern (as is others) is that you stay safe Radioflyer...please focus on your safety first and foremost....

[radioflyer]

I want to thank you all again for your words of kindness!! I am def. 100% focused on my job right now flying troops and cargo into these places! This trip, to say the least, has really mellowed me out with the whole situation and I really haven`t thought about it much (until i got the email from my brother). Anyway, i will get back to you when i get back into the states (in about a week and a half) and update you again. I look at it, that i am 25 years old and have my whole life ahead of me. my father told me that right now, i can go in one of 100 directions!! I truely believe that! I wish i could just meet all of you in person and shake your hands because you are all truely amazing people sent down from heaven! A little advice to all of you who are going through my situation....keep your head on your shoulders, lookout for #1, and find constructive things to do with your time to keep your mind off of it. Time is a very valuable resource in situations like this and use it to your advantage.

This is an opportunity to change things about yourself that you don`t like or start new things that you have always wanted to start. It makes you a better person inside and out!! You need to take all of the positive things out of it and take all of the negatives and "flush them down the toilet" so to speak. once again, I will stay very safe and focus on my job as a priority. Thank you all and God Bless!!

md

[radioflyer]

Hello all....well i didn`t know if you were getting sick of me posting or not, so i haven`t for a while. Well, I pulled the plug the other day on the rollercoaster ride and called it quits!!! I will try to make this as short as possible because i am busy with straightening my life out with a new job, selling house ect....

This last rollercoaster was the final straw. I went out of town AGAIN and asked her to stay and watch the dog AGAIN!! Well, she was excited about it because it would get her away. now, mind you, this trip was 2 weeks. after about the first day, i found out that her best friend is staying there again! Her best friend, who is married, is also cheating on her husband. well, needless to say, i surprised them and came home early. her best friend was at work at the time and i took a look around the house to see what i missed. Let`s just say that i have never seen my house look like this since i have owned it. It was an utter pigsty!! pizza boxes everywere, toilets were just foul, beer exploded in the freezer, her stuff was just scattered as if she was living there for a year. anyway, to top things off, i went to strip the bed where she was sleeping to wash the sheets......and there were STAINS (yes, those kind of stains) all over the sheets!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was furious because this girl used MY house as a hotel for her and her OM!! I called my wife and absolutely flipped out! At this point i have had it and was at my wits end. I realized that this was all happening because i have a dog and i am rotating my life around this dog and who is watching him when i go away. (needless to say, i have to give him up this week).

 

Ok, so this situation down and one more small one that i forgot. i went up to see my parents this past weekend. my wife came over the night before and was very upset because her grandmother had died and her dysfunctional family decided to NOT tell her. we sat and she cried and cried as i held her. she talked more and more how she is coming home and hates it where she is at and she realized that she chose the wrong path in life ect.....My wife and i ended up having SEX that night and it was amazing! She left and told me she loved me and that she will miss me when i go on the trip. now, this made me feel good. So, i left and called the house all night on friday and much to my surprise, no answer! i called her cellphone and no answer! I finally got a hold of her and drilled her about staying, she said that she just couldn`t (AGAIN). She said he was being taken care of and that she will let him out at night and in the morning, but is not going to stay there.

 

Well, this weekend became more and more shady as i couldn`t get a hold of her to save my life. As i got back from the trip, i asked her to come over and have a heart to heart talk. i told her that she was shady all weekend and something was going on. she wouldn`t tell me where she went or what she did. I finally got it out of her that she spent the whole weekend with the OM at Six Flags!!! I couldn`t believe it!!! So i asked the inevitable. What was her relationship with the OM. Are you dating? she said yes...i mean...we are living together.

Well, do you kiss? Yes! Ok...one more question. Did you have sex with him this weekend after you had sex with me on thursday...and look me in the face when you answer. She looked me directly in the face and said...YES!!!

i told her how disgusting of a human being she is to do something like that!! I gave her the benefit of the doubt that she cut the relationship off. It escaladed from there and i told her to get off of MY property and get out of MY life FOREVER!! I told her that i never wanted to see or talk to her again until divorce court. She absolutely makes me sick and is a very sick and twisted individual. That was the final straw and NOW i am done! I do not need this in my life and no one deserves to be put through this by some waste of life who cannot find themselves or what they want out of life. We traded cars back because she turned nasty on me and told me that she is going to bring the cops to pick her car up if i didn`t trade her. SO, i proceeded to tell her that if it means that switching cars back will be the final step in ridding her out of my life forever.....so be it!! Here is your car and GET OUT OF MY LIFE YOU PIG!!!

However, as she was leaving, she was trying to talk to me about why she was so upset when i sat her down to talk to her and made her tell me that they had sex. would you believe that there is a story behind them having sex!!!

OMG, i don`t believe i am hearing this out of her mouth. that there is a freaking story behind probably how they had sex and she realized that it wasn`t right and blahblahblahblah....i didn`t give her a chance to explain and told her to leave because she is just sick for even telling me that there was a story to it. I told her that i am going to write a book on her stories and excuses. what kind of a person is she to tell me this and then turn around and be so nieve the next day?

 

thanks for listening...i feel better now. I just got a job offer up north for a management position for an airline and my enlistment for the military is coming to an end. i just found out that i can sell my house after a year and make an 11% profit off of it. I started talking to an old high school sweetheart this past weekend and will continue the relationship now. I am starting to love my life again and I am glad that i am ridding the garbage out and starting a new life!!

marc

radioflyer

[VivianLee]

Marc,

I'm glad you are back, safe and sound. Never worry about posting too much or not enough. Do what makes you feel better. If you need to vent, then use this site!! There's so much good advice and support here!

I'm sorry you went through all that crap but I'm glad and proud of how you turned it around and made something positive of it.

It's sad that the person you should love, trust and need the most has turned basically into an very, very tacky, tastless and well....(sorry) a slutty Monster. There's nothing you can do to change her and I don't think she truly wants that. Plus, from what I read of you, you deserver better than this, ALOT better!!

Hang in there, you're doing great and please keep us updated if you want!

 

Good Luck and God Bless!

Viv

[FolderWife]

WOO HOO!!! WAY TO GO RADIOFLYER!!! :D :D

[jmargel]

Glad you posted Marc,

 

I would take things with this new girl, very very slow. You are going to go through the five stages of grief, regarding your wife. Thing is, you'll hit every stage but not in the sequential order. You are in the 'anger' stage. They are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression & Acceptance.

 

Going through what you have, you've probably hit on all five now, but since you finally got confirmation on what she's been doing you might go through them again. Going in with this other girl too fast, might end up with problems down the road. Tell her about the problems you are having with your wife, and if she really does care about you, she'll understand when you tell her you need to take things slow.

 

As for your wife, it's probably best to cut ties. She doesn't know what she wants and as long as you are there as her safety net, she'll never have to make a decision. Doing this forces her to re-evaluate alot of things in her life. That is the reason why she is angry with you. But she has brought that upon herself.

[radioflyer]

Hey everyone, just a quick update on things. I feel so good today!! I haven`t talked to my STBX (until today) and I feel good about it. She keeps calling and leaving messages how she is so sorry for every wrong thing that she has ever done to me and if she could take it all back then she would. now this phone call starts at 6:45 am and i am just laying there (for some reason) laughing at her. So, there were numerous phone calls after that about stupid things. But, I really have NO MORE ties to her, so she is making excuses to call. So, the military put me on a trip leaving in 2 days (but it is only for 2 days) and i text messaged her saying the dog needs to be picked up tom. evening. She called back and said that she has no one to watch him. I said "well, you better find someone and you WILL by tomorrow evening or else i have to get rid of him". She got mad and upset at the same time because i was very to the point and nothing past that. I told her that I have nothing else to say to her and let me know when you find someone. So, she proceeds to tell me about her father (who she has been financially supporting him for 10 years). NOw, her dad is fighting to get permanent disability from the state (he deserves it) and she told me that his house is now up for auction and she is dealing with that right now. I just kind of sat there and she said "well, i guess you don`t really care do you". I said..not really karrie because i am not in your life anymore and you can talk to your OM about that. She didn`t like that too much. And then she asked..."what has my father ever done to you?". Which is very true and i felt bad after that. but truly it is part of my detaching myself from here and i have to play 'tough love' right now. Well, i called her back and told her nevermind because my neighbor is watching the dog. All in all I can tell that it is really bothering her that i just don`t really care anymore and I only have positive things to look forward to (and unfortunately she doesn`t). She just got a new car (her way of dealing with depression is shopping). I can expect another phone call from her in the morning of which she will be crying and want to talk or something, but it will not be answered. Thanks for listening!

marc

radioflyer

[supermom]

She made her bed, now she has to lie in it.

 

Good for you! You are staying strong. Keep in mind that you do not have to "divorce" her family if you don't want to.

 

I hope your "recovery" from this horrible nightmare is successful.

[VivianLee]

Marc,

Don't let that statement about "what has my father ever done to you?".... get to you....she was just messing with your head, giving you "the guilts"...I don't think when you said "I don't care" you meant you didn't care about her father, you just didn't care about her excuses and her life in general anymore. That's okay, that's even good. You can care in a detached outside observer way BUT not in the way she wants you to. She still wants to have that hold over you and it's driving her crazy that she doesn't have it anymore. She's cruel and selfish not to just let you move on and care about someone else. Stay strong, just continue to let her guilt trips or sympathy ploys fail to move you.

Have a good trip and stay safe!!

 

P.S. get rid of the dog or always call someone else to see to it...that will give you one less reason to have to deal with her...

[neptoon]

Marc,

I'm glad you posted. Your STBX is a tramp, plain and simple. I can't believe what a nice guy you've been through all this -- that you actually even wanted to work it out with her and she had the gall and audacity to give you a guilt trip up until the very end!?! For f*cks sake!

 

Whatever you do, don't let this piece of garbage back into your life. She cannot love and does not know what love is. She had a guy that many, many women would walk this earth three times over to find -- who treated her good and loved her. She has no idea about the garbage men that are out there -- guys who will treat her like the tramp that she deserves to be treated, guys who think of nothing but themselves. This is what she deserves because she thinks of no one but herself.

 

There are lots of women out there who don't pathologically cheat like this woman does. She's absolutely pathetic. Her and her friend are pathetic. The way in which she conducts herself is pathetic. It irritates me that she doesn't feel a shred of remorse. Her excuses are pathetic. There is no excuse for her actions -- we are all masters of our own destinies and have the ability to exercise free will. Don't let this wh0re of a woman influence the way you treat women in the future. Most of us aren't like this.

 

Good for you for kicking this garbage to the curb (although I may have not done it so politely).

[radioflyer]

Thank you so much for taking the time to read through my posts! It makes me feel great that people actually have taken time to follow my situation and my posts and replies and still respond. I thank you for the comment that many women would kill to have someone like me. I have been slowly learning to regain my confidence and self-esteem just from talking to random women. They make me feel good about myself and i don`t even have to tell them about my situation. Here is the thing though...i know that there are a lot of women out there who aren`t pathological cheaters. However, I thought that i knew my STBXW inside and out and ever bit about her. Just when you think that this person (your best friend) and spouse is perfect in every way, somthing like this happends. I mean, i have been with her for 4 years and we knew everything about each other. I just got back from a trip from Germany for two days and all i could think about was her telling me outside that they do kiss and they are living together blahblahblah...it just kept running through my head over and over the picture of my wife kissing someone else.

 

You don`t have to respond to this anymore, but i am just venting after a 9 hour flight of looking at pictures on my laptop and looking at this woman who i don`t even know anymore or perhaps just never really knew in the first place....like i never knew this hidden life or personality that came out. And what scares me is when all this happend, her family was not surprised at all!!!!!! They just said...well, we really thought she changed, but we were all fooled weren`t we? I mean WTF!!! I couldn`t believe i have been subjected to this....and ask me if her family has contacted me at all......no way! Her family who once sided me, now talks to her regularly like i am out of her life and forgotten (or so it seems to me). But like they say, blood is thicker than water right? I will tell you this and i don`t know if i have typed this yet or not, but my wife stopped over the other day before i went on this trip to get her mail and i told her to change her address so we don`t keep doing this. I was driving back from an hour trip and she called me to see how i was doing and told me that she misses me and misses things like cooking dinner for me. she said that she wakes up often and really has no idea where she is or what she is doing there. I just let all of this go in one ear and come out of the other as i just sat there with a smile on my face.

 

Now mind you...she DID come over and told me how good and different i looked. She said that she is SO proud of me for getting this job and blahblahblah. she held my hand and i felt so disgusted when she was holding it that i just let go. She said "you are so disgusted with me that you can`t even look at me". Which this statement was true. I really couldn`t look at her at all...i just kept staring at the ground. She cried and told me that she knows that it is time for HER to let ME go and move on with my life. I went on and said that she had many chances to right what was wrong and she chose the other path and there is nothing more that i will or can do! I told her to put herself in my shoes and all that i have been through and asked her where would she be at right now if she were me. she didn`t answer the question. i asked her how she would feel if she were me.....her answer? "i know that you feel hurt" HURT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that is not the word....there is nothing to describe what i feel...and she said HURT!! So anyway....i am just venting again and no need to reply. Thank you all again for your support!

 

md

[fanou22]

I have been reading the posts all day long and now got to the end of it.

I am probably the last person in this forum to say anything but you are an amazing person.

I would never be able to post on this web site everything that I feel or think. I think you very courageous to do so.

[radioflyer]

hello everyone...sorry it has been a little while, but things have been hell with my life (in a very good way). i have started my new job with US Airways as a manager and it is very stressful, but i absolutely love it!!! it makes my days go soooo fast!! i have basically gotten out of active duty military and i am just doing my basic committment as a reservist. i have been in training for 2.5 weeks now and have pushed what i once had out of my life forever and moved on!!! Divorce paperwork still was not filed until the past few days. So, you are asking yourself, ok, why is he here again surfacing this subject?? well....i will tell you as long or as short as i can.

My mind has been nowhere else but on my job and i haven`t talked to my stbxw unless i really have to. a week or two will go by before i talk to her because some of her mail still comes here and she comes over and i give it to her. but when she comes over, i know in my mind that it is not just to get her mail. she basically comes over and spills everthing about work, her family, friends and how she really just HATES her whole family ect....

It came down to it where i had no feelings at all when i looked at her...if fact, i couldn`t even look at her!!! she would hold my hand and give me a hug and i would just cringe knowing that she is going to go back to this apt. with the guy and roomates and live there because she had no one else. i still to this day cannot figure what her relationship is with him, if there is one anymore.

Needless to say, i started back up again that when i go to work, she comes over and lets the dog out. at first i told her that i was very uncomfortable with her coming over to the house and letting him out and she got really irrate with me about that, so i had her stop coming over. well, i tried again and realized that it is a lot less stress on me if she lets him out and no one else, so i sleep easier at night. well...on and on, she starts calling me more and more and her voice and everything has changed back to the old person that i once new. she would call and make up some excuse of why she was calling and it would turn into her asking me how my new job was and how i have changed and she is so proud of me and how she doubted me. she keeps apologizing for what she has done to me and said that she beats herself up everynight and cries herself to sleep. my stbxw said that she basically has snapped into reality and thought about every single thing she has said or done from day one and that she sometimes just wants to take a bunch of pills and go to sleep because she feels so bad.

Well, it has come down to this....i now have completely shut all feelings off from her and pushed her out until the other day. She came over after i insisted that she finish the paperwork and put the relationship out of its misery. well, she brought the paperwork over (filled out may 10th) and as i started looking through it, she took it away from me and put it on the counter and told me that she needs a half and hour with me to talk to me. she told me that she wants to come back and that she realizes that i only love her for her 100%. today, i get a phone call from her telling me that she sat the OM down lastnight and told him that she is just not happy (sound familiar) and that she realizes that she never gave me a chance (like i needed to prove myself to her as a husband). She told me that he just stared off and told her that whatever makes her happy. i was just sitting there asking myself "why am i hearing this right now?" My stbxw waited for my response to that like i am going to welcome her back with open arms (that is honestly what it felt like). She has called me 3 times today and told me that she was going to get my dinner and leave it in the fridge for me to have when i come home from work. Like she has totally changed back and is trying to win my love back for her. But this would have been fine and all about a month or two ago, but i really don`t know what to do now. i mean, i have truely just shut everything out that i had for her and then i come down to this. like i just not opened, but merely cracked open a door that i had just shut. i just look at everything that has happened and everything that she has put me through and now finally she tells this guy that she is not happy and told him that she appreciates them letting her stay there for the time being, but she realizes what she has thrown away!!!!! someone please help me sort this out and give me a little advice on what i should do.

i mentioned it a little to my parents and they flipped out. they were so angry that she even is doing this. if i TRY to work things out, i know that she will never be accepted by my family the way that she was before.

thank you for your time and i hope to hear you generous comments again!

thanks in advance.

ps i think about it and with my new career, there is only one thing missing in my life that would make it perfect, and that is someone to come home to at night and have dinner ready. a family!!!

marc

[VivianLee]

Marc,

I'm so excited about how well you have been doing!! It's great to see how you've moved on with your life and have done nothing but move on for the better! Great Job!!

 

I have a billion thoughts in my head about what your STXW is doing and the first thing I can say is PLEASE DON'T LET HER SUCK YOU BACK IN!! I hope for her sake, she is truly sorry for what she has done but I just don't see that you can trust a thing she says or does. It really wasn't a good idea for her to be brought back in your life, even for a dog's sake.

 

She isn't looking for a second chance....as I look back, she is looking for a 5th chance. For a person's well being, a second chance is enough. You have taken, taken, taken and taken. What in the world has she given you but total heartache and heartbreak? I know you want someone to come to at night BUT remember, she failed to give you that and has gone on to fail you in so many ways. Anyone can be a warm body beside you in bed BUT it takes your soulmate and someone special to be there for EVERYTHING!! You deserve so much better that what she has to offer. She is a mess and has hurt you more than anyone deserves...you need to sign those papers and get this disease of a marriage, out of your life.

 

Marc, if she loved you, she would leave you alone. She sees that you have moved on and if she cared, she wouldn't even think of making things complicated for you emotionally. She is such a child, she thinks that now that she wants you, that you are supposed to just drop everything and say "okay!" I truly feel the minute you invite her back in your life, she will go right straight and break your heart again. I know she makes it seem like nothing is going on with the other guy but remember, she's lied about that from the beginning and why wouldn't she lie about it now? Because then you wouldn't feel sorry for her and wouldn't let her back.

 

In the end, it will be all up to you, I'm just someone on the outside looking in (that hurt my husband too, I'm very sad to say ) but it really seems like that she is just messing with your head and will go right back and break your heart again!! Please be careful!! You're doing so well moving on, you now know you can do it!!

 

Also, you don't have to stop posting here just because things at the moment are good. There will be times you may still feel the pain of healing or maybe have a setback OR you could give someone else in your same situation, advice!!

Take care!

[Fritz]

Wow man, I don't know what to say. You might check out <removed> for some info and advice.

 

Glad to hear the new job is working out.

[radioflyer]

c`mon fritz! LOL! i left you speechless?? let`s see who else i can complicate with this one! thanks for the reply and website! will let you know if anything progresses!

marc

[jmargel]

Hi Marc,

 

My first recommendation is to read this entire thread all over again. Remember all the pain and torment she put you through. Also think back as well, whether before this happening, did you do anything that might have caused some discomfort in the relationship. Sometimes one mate might think everything is perfect while the other is far from ok. One might not be getting the love, attention, devotion that they deserve, while the other mate might be totally blind to it. Communication is a big block in the foundation of a relationship.

 

We don't live your life. You only have one. We can offer all sorts of advice, but in the end we don't have to live with the consequences, one way or another. My suggestion would be for you is to follow your heart. Can you see yourself without her for the rest of your life? Is she truly your soulmate? Have you asked her why she has done all these things to you?

 

If it were me, I wouldn't cut the possibility of her coming back into my life, but I wouldn't make it easy either. If you are serious about having her back in your life, counciling is a MUST. If she's not willing to goto a marriage councilor then don't even consider taking her back, because the samething will happen again.

 

I would also ask her if you could talk to this other man. You have every right to, and if she has nothing to hide then she shouldn't have a problem with it. Remember she lied to you, alot. Right now you still can't trust her. That doesn't mean you shouldn't ever trust her, or give her the opportunity if your heart is still with her, but it's something she needs to earn again.

 

As for your feelings on how you felt, that is understandable. She did alot of things to hurt you, things that you never thought your wife was capable of. It was like she was a different person, like a stranger. So, as with a stranger you will have no feelings for them. If she wants to work this out, she must realize that this will be a very long process. Something that will take months or years to gain everything back. If you love each other enough, you can get through almost anything. You may not be in love with her right now, but still love her. That at least is a foundation you both can start from if you both choose to.

[radioflyer]

once again..you guys came through for me. i understand that you are not councilors and so on, but it really really helps to have advice from people who this has happend to. i just got home from work and found a 3 page letter waiting for me from her with tears splashed on it and all. she has been calling me and leaving text messages to say hi and hope i have a good day ect... but i had not expected this letter! as i was writting this just now, i just got a call from her asking me if i got home ok because of the bad weather and if i got her letter or not. she left the letter off with the fact that it was up to me to sign the divorce papers that i have. i cannot make this decision right now because i have a lot of soul searching and thinking to do. you are right, she has hurt me very badly and ran me through the ringer and i really think that it is forgiveable, but not forgettable unless i brainwash myself.

I will tell all of you honestly, I never truely knew what a soulmate was, nor had that feeling even when i was married to her. I understand that i fell into a very deep depression for 5 months before any of this happened. this even has truly changed my life. i have a positive outlook, new job, no more depression and i DID realize something that i didn`t realize before. My wife WAS (IS) really my soulmate. It took something like this for me to realize it and her to realize it also. But i still have a very bad feeling that things were taken to far for repair, or perhaps not. she is supposed to be moving the 1st week of august with these guys and like i said, she sat the OM down and was forward with him.

jmargel you are right...she was a COMPLETELY different person (like a stranger) when i talked to her. that is so weird that you would say that because i thought the same thing. but now...now she is normal. she sounds like the same person i knew. she just told me on the phone that she wants to come over tomorrow and talk after i get off of work. She said that i can sign the papers and she will take them tomorrow, but she just has to stop beating herself up over this. she said that she just can`t stand it anymore! I, for one, am not signing the papers tomorrow because i really need time to think. i really want her to mover with a friend or by herself just to get away from him because i don`t want to sit here and think about things when i know that she is still around his influence. if she were to have a different living environment, it would be better based on my descision. anyway, i have writers block and will write more later. thanks for the advice and listening!

marc

[reservoirdog1]

Considering the hell she's put you through, you have to think very hard about whether or not you can consider taking her back. But you already know that.

 

If you decide to give her another chance, though, I think you'd need to lay down for her, in plain language, what's required of her. She has serious work to do, like nothing she's ever done before. You're not telling her what to do; more like, "these are the things you will have to do if you want to regain my trust. They aren't negotiable. If you're willing to do them, then maybe we can rebuild. If you're not, then let's not waste time, no hard feelings."

 

The things you should require of her (tailor this to your own needs) include:

 

1) Making herself accountable to you at all times, for her time and whereabouts.

2) You get anytime access to her email accounts and websites she posts on, with passwords, and her phone records.

3) She will not delete emails except once per week at an agreed-on time.

4) No overnight absences without your presence or, at the very least, your complete agreement.

5) No contact, of any form, ever again, with OM. She must send a NC letter and you get to watch her do it.

6) Commitment to a minimum period of reconciliation.

7) Couples counselling, without fail.

8) No one-on-one meetings with friends of the opposite sex without your presence or total approval.

9) I suggest that you tell her that she has ONE chance to tell you all of her email accounts and passwords, and that if you find out later there's another, it's game over.

10) Set aside 1/2 hour of each day -- strictly time limited, for her benefit -- during which you can ask her any questions you need to ask and she must answer them without question.

11) A warning -- which you only give her once -- that if she EVER cheats on you again, you will immediately seek divorce on grounds of infidelity and tell her family the whole story.

 

This may sound pretty heavy, but if she actually wants to regain your trust, she's got to move heaven and earth to do so. If she puts up a fuss about your requirements, then that should tell you how serious she is about reconciliation.

 

Good luck...

[DazednConfused]

Hey Radio,

 

I haven't posted on your thread before, but I have been following it. I just want to say wow! Dude, you are my hero.

 

You have done some amazing things for yourself, and I very much respect your resolve. I know at the moment you are faced with a major decision, and I wouldn't wanna be sitting in your shoes.

 

If you reconcile (or start down that road), I think Reservoirdog is right, there needs to be clear expectations.

 

I very much believe that anyone can change, and improve themselves, you have done it for yourself. Maybe your wife can do it too. Watch for waivering resolve on her part, and if you see any, you need to show it to her.

 

It is true people don't realize what they have until it is gone, maybe this is the case.

 

At least you know very well at this point that you can be secure in your life with or without her around, and so can make a sound decision. I am sure you will have the guts to do what is best for you.

[metamorphosis]

Listen I do not know everything about you and your wife from your story so there is no way to know exactly how things went and how they got there. What I can tell you is that I was the most confused, depressed, suicidal person when I was going back and forth between H and OM. What it took was almost going THROUGH with the divorce to make me realize that I couldn't live without him, that I love him and he is so precious to me. I mean I had cut off all communication, sent him a letter saying no more contact, gotten ready to have him served. It was awful. I am so sorry now that I did not wake up sooner, and I so deeply regret the pain I know I caused my husband. I think it took me about three times of on again off again before I realized what I wanted. It sounds like your wife is going through similar turmoil. What you can hold on to is the fact that there is turmoil. If there were not, then she would not be there suffering, saying I love you etc. What worked with me is my husband accepted it, he stopped fighting me. That made me wake up and realize what I was doing.

 

What we have done is divorced our previous relationship. We are trying now to build a new one. He still suffers deeply, and I know he wants to protect himself from the risk of me ever doing this again by getting out of the R. However, I know now why this happened, why I did the things I did, how I got there, and I know that I would not make those same choices again. The suffering has been incredible.

 

I pray for God's mercy over my M. both you and he would be justified in a divorce. However, there is not a whole lot of payoff from payback. I think you need to ask yourself what you want deep within your heart and go for it. If it is your wife, then fight like hell, and don't give up. Relationships have such potential for damage, but such room for healing, too. I hope you can work it out. It sounds like she is still on a rollercoaster though. Don't get sucked in.

 

It has been six months now since I have been off the rollercoaster. Mine lasted ten weeks. However, now I am on another rollercoaster--his. He doesn't know about me in his future. He says he still loves me and he doesn't believe our marriage was a mistake, that he wants to work on it, but at the same time, he has grave doubts and thinks about divorce. I do not know what to do. Any thoughts? Answer me on my other thread (WAW locked out of house) because I am not reg. on this one.

[radioflyer]

Well....my stbxw just left after a 2hour long long emotional talk. i am worse now than what i have been from day one (i think). It started off positive, but went on a rollercoaster from there. We started normal conversation about work, life ect....and then i saw the tears well up in her eyes. She just flat out asked me what i want. I told her that i don`t know. She said that she has thought about it all day and realizes that she needs to let me go for good. She says that she has put me through enough and doesn`t want to see me hurt anymore. she said that i need to keep on doing what i have been doing and that is moving on! This is all completely blowing me away. it is like she has snapped out of the fantasy she has been in and is seeing it all how i have seen it from day one. i just don`t understand why it took THIS long for her to snap out of it.

I will say this first.....at the end of everything, she just kept saying that it IS over and she knows that it IS over. She said that she doesn`t want it to be, but she knows (thinks) that i can never trust her or forget everything that has happend. A very very long break and both of us staring at separate walls she broke down (again) and with a disgusted completely taken back look on her face.......looked at me and said "I cheated on you....not only did i cheat on you, but i HAD a relationship with someone other than my husband" I just looked at her like she was completely crazy. she said that she just never looked at it that way before. I completely believe her. everytime we talked, it was always about everything else but that.....like it was never a factor and i just couldn`t understand it until now. she was really stuck in another world until NOW!!!!

The divorce papers are sitting here on the counter with her part filled out on them, but the only thing missing is my signature. I asked her what is going on with her reality check....she said that the divorce papers were what did it! She said that she knows that there are so many unanswered questions and unresolved problems. Now mind you, when she came over and we started talking about the marriage before, she was talking about my bout of depression and the romaticism was lost and so on.......she did say about how she left me and let her pride take the best of her and do the only thing she new to do and that was get up and leave. however, again she just didn`t say anything about having a relationship with him.

I took her upstairs in the bedroom and we laid together on the bed for a very very long time and held each other. She just kept on insisting that she let me go and move on with my life and i need to look out for marc from now on. I just still can`t believe all of this. I asked her that if she comes back, how do i know that it will never happen again. she said......you don`t, meaning that there is no trust and she thinks that i will never trust her again. she doesn`t understand that trust is something that you build and it is not just there. When she left, i told her to give me a few days and she just kept shaking her head 'no', like it was never going to work out. she doesn`t know that and she doesn`t know what i am thinking. how can this reality check come on 4 months later and someone snap out of it like this? It was like a closure, but then again it was like a whole new light for both of us that i just wanted to grab her and tell her to come home and i really think that life would be amazing. but everything else just keeps running through my head i don`t know if i can get rid of them. She even said that when she realized that she cheated on me, that i actually had a visual too!. i don`t know what else to say or do. the papers are here and i want to sign them, but that will be the end. or do i try and take one day at a time and work on rebuilding. thanks

marc

[radioflyer]

i know how it looked about what i typed. about how she kept insisting that it was over, but infact, she really does not want it to be by any means. she said that she wishes that she wouldn`t have waited this long to come back and that is what the biggest problem is on her end. perhaps that is part of it, but she really truly wants a chance to start things new. i noticed after she left, that the 3 page letter she wrote me yesterday is gone! I don`t know what she did with it or why she took it, but she did. My head is so jargled right now, i cannot even think straight. i am trying my hardest to weigh the good with the bad. i really don`t know if my parents will ever accept her again after all of this.

Another thing, i tried to talk about her OM a little, but she just kept looking at me and said "you have no idea do you?". Well, of course i don`t! She told me that it isn`t like she is prancing around like Mary Poppins. She said that the only thing she does is cry and cry and breakdown over this. She said she spends so much time on her own ect... She said that she understands what is going through my mind when i think that everynight that i go to bed, she is in my mind with him. She started to cry again and realized that i really DO think about these things and it was another reality check. She again said that i have no idea at all. She said that they really just do sleep in the same bed and nothing else. she looked at me with a wierd (but good) look and said trust me marc, there is nothing in that department WHAT SO EVER! She told him to leave her alone through all of this and finally she just broke down one day and said that she hates her life and really isn`t happy with the decisions that she made. I can see that their relationship was based on him being her ONLY and yes i mean ONLY friend (she pushed everyone else away) and he was the only one who talked and hung out with her. of course there was the holding hands ect...but it just doesn`t come together for me. thanks and i am at my writers block again!

marc