reservoirdog1 Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 Marc... those ups and downs are the worst. No doubt about it. When I moved out, I never imagined that it would be possible to go from being so sure that ending the marriage was what I wanted, to feeling like I wanted more than anything to try again. It also often seems to be the case that one spouse tends to raise the issue of reconciliation just when the other is starting to feel good again and be excited about the direction their new life is taking. TBXW did that to me twice and each time, it really messed me up and made me question my resolve and what I wanted (though it never succeeded in shaking what I knew, intellectually, was the best course of action). Actions, however, speak louder than words. I believe you said that, when she asked if you two could try again, she was still living with OM. To me, that's just not on. If she's really interested in being with you (as in, "you're the only person for me, I love you, I don't want to be without you"), rather than just being afraid of the idea of the marriage being totally and irrevocably over, she should be demonstrating that interest by ceasing to live with him, severing all ties, and making winning you back the focus of her existence. If I were in your shoes, I would take very little consolation from her claim that, while she still sleeps with him, she just lies there crying (yeah, right). Attempts at reconciliation have a significant chance of failure. But if she's interested in trying, it can't be a half-assed effort. She has to sever all ties to OM, not keep him as her fallback option. She has to commit herself full-bore to rebuilding with you, acknowledging and accepting that the effort may come to nothing and that she may be left without him as her safety net. That's the risk she must take. In my case, TBXW wasn't willing to take that risk. I reminded her that reconciliation was going to be difficult, and that it may well fail, but that she had to risk that failure if she wanted a shot at a positive outcome. Clearly she didn't want it very much because she threw it away, unwilling to take that risk. You need to focus on what's best for you. You can't keep your emotions out of it (though it would be nice to be able to, wouldn't it), but try to let reason guide you as much as possible. Some unions can be stronger after one partner cheats, if the problems are worked through and really solved. For others, the suspicion and mistrust never goes away. I hope you find the path that's right for you. Stay strong, brother... Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted July 17, 2004 Share Posted July 17, 2004 My advice would be to leave her in the dust Your stbxw has problems. She wants you, but she wants to be free. She wants it all. Now that she's lost you completely, she can't stand it. Yuck, tell her to leave you alone, and never call you again. Tell her that you are sick of playing yo yo! Every time you give her an inch, she wants to get back together. Tell her noooooo thanks. Tell her to leave you alone...hasn't she put you through enough?! Link to post Share on other sites
VivianLee Posted July 17, 2004 Share Posted July 17, 2004 Marc, Please go back and read this whole thread from the time you first ever posted till now. It's like a journal of what you've been through, maybe it can help you put everything in perspective. Personally even though I don't know you, I am truly afraid she is going to break your heart again. I don't feel so much as this is a breakthrough as much as I feel it's just the fact that she can't stand the fact that you weren't be affected by her anymore so she wanted to reel you back in. I've done this myself and I've had it done, it's a sick game that people play that can't decide what they want but can't be unselfish enough to let the person go that needs to move on. You were doing so well, you were getting on with your life and getting over the hurt and pain, now she's set you back and I am so worried as to what she is going to do. There's just so many things I want to say but I can't begin to bring out all the scenarios of what she may be up to or what she may have meant. Just be careful!! Link to post Share on other sites
Amandy Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 Kick this woman to the curb! She cheated on you and put your health and risk in doing so. She is not worth it. Take some time out and just worry about yourself and then I hope you find a nice loyal woman to marry. Link to post Share on other sites
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