A never ending site to this affair turmoil my wife is putting me through!!!!

[radioflyer]

i hope that you aren`t getting sick of my posts here. well, I told my wife today after talking to her again yesteday that i cannot talk to her anymore until she gets things straight and wants to work things out with me. i brought her mail up to work for her and waited until she came this morning. i handed it to her and turned around to walk away and she asked me for a hug. she smiled and gave me another one of those hugs again. this time, it was with tears. we stood and talked for a minute and i told her that i cannot do this and turned to walk away and she followed me to my car. she was still crying and said "I guess this is goodbye for good huh?"

I said i guess so. She ran over and embraced me and would not let go. She just stood there knowing that i couldn`t just go away that easily and she couldn`t just walk away. she smiled at me and told me i was stupid (jokingly) and kissed me on my lips. so, as she backed away i told her to come here and lightly touched her chin and gave her the most passionate kiss (could win and award). She def. did not hesitate to kiss me back and she just hugged me and wouldn`t let go. She asked me to walk inside with her while she opens her store in the mall and talk to her for a while. I did so, and she just couldn`t get enough of me. I told her that she has to know that it takes a VERY strong person to stand by her side through all of this. She said i know and i know it takes someone who loves me more than anything in this world to help me through this.

She said that she didn`t want me to leave, but i had to because it was just making things hard for her. now, mind you, the past couple of times i have talked to her, she never mentioned the other guys name. She did however mention the fact that i spit in her face that night and would rather be punched in the face than spit on (I knew well enough at that time to do that, and that is why i did). But she wouldn`t mention the fact that I caught her on top of him. Well....wait...ok, she did mention him and his roommates names. she told me that they told her that if they would`ve caught her the way that i did they would never talk to her again and would`ve thrown her ass to the curb. Now, why does she tell me this. She also told me that her roommates dog scratched her on the neck (just a puppy) because he was playing too rough. when i saw it, i flipped out and it looked like a red round rash and another small one. however i didn`t see the scratch at first and looked closer to see it covered up with makeup on her neck. and indeed it was a dog scratch. however, when i pointed it out, she got red up to her chin and i don`t know why. she got pissed because i said it looked like a love bite. She said "well, being that you have to have sex in order to get one". draw your own conclusions from that one!

So, the real part of the story and questions for advice her is this. I finally got her out of that apartment for the weekend while i travel up north to see my parents for a few days. I needed someone to watch the dog and she suggested her friend stay here and i said no. so i put the suggestion that she stay here to get away from everyone and everything and just be by herself in the house. she was hesitant, but later agreed, but said it would be weird. then she asked me...wait, why should it be weird....oh, nevermind she said.

Do you think this is a good idea for her or is she pulling something on me? she told me that when she goes to the doctors tomorrow, she is choosing not to talk to me until i get back from visiting for her own well being.

i agreed to it, but she said however, if i need you, can i call you? I will leave it at this...whether the thing that i saw that night was the only night that anything ever happend ( i don`t know what to believe anymore) and nothing else happened because the game and novelty was over after they were discovered i don`t know. If/when we start our therapy sessions, i will make sure that all of this will come out and all the questions i asked will be answered. thanks for listening again!

md

[jmargel]

Take a step back and realize she does love you but also using you as a safety net. Setup a time for counciling when you know she'll be off from work and tell her this. Tell her she has the option of going or not and that this will show you how much you mean to her.

 

Right now you two are living day to day. That's not good for either of you. The amount of stress you have on your shoulders is probably unbearable. I did this with my ex-fiancee until she finally left me. It was the worst feeling in the world. You also sound like you maybe co-dependent on her. Such as your life revolves around her in some way. Don't base your self-worth on her love for you. You messed up and have gone for help, which is good. If she truly wants things to work out or at least look into the possibility, then she will go. No matter what, as long as two people love each other enough they can overcome any obstacles.

 

Look at the site: <URL removed> They have some good pointers as well.

 

Unfortunetly you are right in that alot of couples become too 'comfortable' with the other and take each other for granted. When that happens for so long, the appreciation and the feeling of love dwindles. Always love like it's the last day you'll see them. You'll never know when they might be gone forever.

[genie]

Keep the posts coming, I look forward to see what is going on. As far as that time being the only time, I do not believe that. From the position you said they were in, her on top of him giving her oral sex. That is really personal and coming from a girls point of view, I just don't think a girl would get in that position unless she has had sex several times with this person and she is very comfortable sexually with him. I know that isn't what you want to hear, but that position isn't something I think a girl would do for the first time. Usually she is on her back and he starts at the neck and moves his way down. Not her crawling on top of his face.

 

Keep your guard up, she sounds like shes playing everybody and getting away with it. If she wanted to possibly work things out with you, step one would be to move out from with him. I bet if you went and looked in the windows again, I bet she isn't sleeping alone. Sorry, but that's what I think.

 

Good luck.

[radioflyer]

ok...so i posted this once and it disappeared! Anyway, I didn`t want to be too graphic about what i saw that night but here it goes....there was no oral involved that i saw. what i saw in the few minutes that i was standing there trying to figure out if that was really my wife or not, was here on top of him and both were completely naked. she was on top and her legs spread on the outside of his. he was pleasuring her (with his fingers) from behind as they were kissing. Now the question has already been asked why and how you can be so comfortable with someone else to both be completely naked (and not having sex yet, or already have) if that was the first night anything had ever happened. Did i catch it intime before it went to far or had something already happend and this was just a continuation (round 2 if you will) of the night events? It was funny, because all said and done they both told me separately that it WAS the first night that anything had happened between those two. she told me that they had kissed a few days before, but only after she had moved out. Now to get a little more graphic, I know for a fact that she was on her period the whole week before this event happened. She was just starting to come off of it that night, so perhaps they never had sex!? I need a womans point of view on this. When i talk to her, she says that it is the worst night that she has ever had. I asked why, she said because she had to see me in a fist fight (something she had always hoped she would never have to see), but she never brought up the point leading up to the fight. so, i brought it up the hard way and asked her...is that the only thing that sticks out in your mind of what you saw? how about what i saw and what led up to me beating his @ss?? She said that she doesn`t want to talk about it. She just left and brought me lunch to the house and picked up keys because she is staying here this weekend to watch the dog. She left to go to a "therapy" appt. She actually took it upon her own hands to make an appt. to see what personal issues are really bothering here before we even begin to work on this marriage. She seemed to be in a very good, but kind of distant mood while she was here. I made sure that i bought a new shirt and was very well groomed when she got here to see her reactions, and it was a very good reaction. she kept telling me how handsome i look! I really hope that her staying here this weekend will be a very good thing for her to clear her head and be by herself. i hinted around that, for me, to not have anyone stop by, do not answer the phone ect... she got a little irritated that i said that because she said that it sounded like i was talking to a kid.

Anyway, i needed to prove to her how motivated i have been lately. i jogged this morning and worked out and mowed the lawn, cleaned the house ect...she stated "wow, you are the most motivated you have ever been!" As she was leaving she kept giving me hugs and kisses, but at fist the kisses were on the lips and later i just kept turning and giving her the cheek. She got in the car and shut the door and rolled down the window. i said softly "I Love You" and just turned around and walked away before giving her the opportunity to say it or not. As she pulled out of the driveway i watched her lips as she said I Love You back to me and blew me a kiss!

I mean it is obvious that we are very much both in love and everytime i look at her now, it is different, like she is a different person and i don`t really know this person. I know that she probably looks at me the same way, but I also feel gitty when i am around her, like she just brightens up my day to see her.

Putting the affair aside, I haven`t really thought much about it for some reason, but I just want to work on getting her back and getting her head straight and talking about the affair later. There are definately many unanswered questions, but it doesn`t really seem to bother her much about the affair, nor will she bring it up. I noticed something else that might be a good point to bring up, but the fact that the past couple of times that I have talked to her, she has not and will not mention his name AT ALL. Is this a little wierd? I have heard more about his roommates than him. She made it a point yesterday too to bring up that an old friend of mine heard that we had split up and immediately started calling her at work at like 9:00 in the morning and told her if she needed to talk to call and they can hang out sometime. How messed up is that. She also told me that this other guy that i am in the military with (that i don`t know) has been calling her at work for no reason and asking her out. I was pissed at first and then i was pissed at her for telling me all of this. From a woman`s perspective, why is she telling me these things, to see if she can get a rise out of me or see if i really do care?

AAAAHHHHHHH please all women help me get a grip on things and let me know what is on your mind in this situation. thanks! She asked me if her (angel kiss) vibrator is still here. i asked her why and she said because she might need some alone time with it while she is here. seemed a little wierd to me, but she obviously isn`t having sex if she said that she needs to use it. Thanks for your help and isights on these issues!

md

[FolderWife]

Oh that's easy! Whenever I tell my husband about some other guy hitting on me, it's to remind him of what a good catch I am, and how he'd better be good to me, or someone else could snatch me up...or that if he doesn't want me, someone else will.

 

I usually refrain from doing that...it serves no purpose in a marriage. Your wife is the queen of head games though. She said it to get a rise out of you.

[genie]

Sorry, I misunderstood about the position they were in. Knowing the difference now, it's possible that it was the first time. Don't read into too much that she isn't mentioning his name, it could be just out of respect to you.

 

As far as her telling you about the other guys, I think she wants you to realize what kind of friends they are. In my opinion, they crossed the line of friendship. I would let those guys/so called friends know that she told you. I wouldn't make a big deal about it, just let them know you know and tell them they crossed the line. when I tell my SO about friends hitting on me, it's not to make him jealous, I just would like him to know from me and not someone else.

 

I know you want to believe in your head that nothing (sex) is going on, but an outsider's point of view is the odds are very low that she's not having sex with him. I think when she moves from his place, then she is worrying about what you. That is just too wrong to be staying there.

 

You mentioned bringing up the affair later. Well, I would bring it up in counseling not by yourselves. If you want her even knowing what she's capable of, then you will have to forget about the affair and leave it where it will be and that's in the past.

 

I think you need to stay focused on yourself, keep doing things for yourself (not to get her back, but to keep you healthy). When she starts thinking that other women might want what's hers, she'll freak out and probably coming running back. Give her something to worry about.

[jmargel]

Radio, no matter if he just did those things are more, she CHEATED ON YOU. If you weren't there to stop it from happening, it more than likely would've went all the way. Totally naked and him using his fingers on her is foreplay.

 

You keep saying you want her back and you are being more motivational for her. That is the absolute wrong reason to do that. You need to be motivated for yourself. I can guarantee if you 'get her back' you will have no trust in her. If you two get back together what will she do once you both get into a disagreement or a rut? Will she take off to him again, or another guy? Do you want the weight of that on your shoulders 24/7? Do you want to feel like you have to please her and grant her every wish just so that she doesn't leave you or cheat on you again? That isn't love on her part. She is conditioning you by doing that.

 

If you two were to get back together among going to a councilor, you two need to setup 'boundaries' right away. Make it clear to her what she can & can't do anymore in regards to the relationship.

 

It honestly sounds like you are living day to day, and you are co-dependent on her. In what I mean by that is, you are happy as long as you know she is happy with you. That should never be the case, and it's something you need to let go of. I know what it feels like, because I was there in your spot, years ago. You put your own self-worth into it and that is one of the worst things you can do.

 

Please stop trying to be her 'councilor' and suggesting on what might make her feel better or come back to you. Telling her to spend time alone, etc.. Try to refrain from that. You know why you are doing it. It's to convince her that you are the better person. Let her make up her own mind, unconditionally. Get yourself prepared to walk away from her.

 

Instead of suggesting things to her on what she should do, listen to what she has to say & make her points feel validated. Tell her you are trying to understand.

 

And one thing you might find out that you have to endure if you two get back together is the whole cheating issue & trust. Trust is earned, not given. You should have zero trust in her. And depending on what you did to her in the past, it sounds like she has very little trust in you. That the things you are doing are because you want her & you together, and that means it'll only be temporary and things will go back to the way they were before.

 

Start doing things for yourself. Improve what you think needs improved for YOU. Give her time & space, but also in the meantime don't wait around for her. Perhaps finding a female friend just to talk to might be a good place to start. I'm not talking online, but in person. To go out and do fun things with.

 

As for her telling you about other guys asking her out, don't put any worth into it. Right now you have more important things to worry about.

[radioflyer]

Well so i thought things were going well, but I really think i screwed up, or perhaps she did. I traveled up to my parents house this past weekend to get away from things. I asked my wife if she thought i could take the dog to her dads so that he could watch him. she said well, why don`t I have my friend stay at the house and watch him. Now mind you, this is the girl that is manipulating and was covering for her during this. Now, this is the last person that I want staying at my house to watch the dog. So, I put up the discussion for her to stay by herself and watch him and spend time with him and that way she can get out of her living conditions with him and his 2 roomates to get her head together. she thought about it and said ok, you are right, but i will feel weird there. All in all i called my house on saturday morning and her friend answered the phone (I flipped out). and asked her what she was doing at my house. she said "She told you I was staying here this weekend to watch the dog".....um.....no!

Needless to say, I called my wife and freaked out on her. She said that she didn`t feel right coming there to stay and that she "can`t" stay here. I said, it is not a factor that you can`t, but you won`t! so, i get home and there are a few more things missing from the house that she decided to sneak away while i was gone. she didn`t feel comfortable staying, but felt that she could come in and take a few more things out of the house. Well, as I got home from my parents, I called her and the whole conversation turned into one, big, nasty, digusting fight!! There was some really twisted stuff said between us. As the little punk in the background is telling stuff to me through the phone. The next day was no better and some really twisted stuff....my wife said that things are too far gone and she has the divorce paperwork filled out and needs some info. from me!!!???

I mean wait a minute.....I come home from a trip with the military from Baghdad and Spain to find out that my wife has moved out and I come home to all of her stuff gone (which mind you he actually helped her move out). And then i catch her 2 days later in his apt. through the window....and SHE is the one filling these F***ing papers out. And she is putting down irreconcilable differences. I know that i have already covered this, but this is for real now. She wants to "fudge" how long we have been separated to make the process go quicker with the divorce. At this point she has gone completely off the deep end. As we were having our blowout that night, I could tell that she was on something. Whether it was alcohol and depression medication or not. She was just acting off the wall like a 5 year old (tone of voice and sound effects). At one point as i`m trying to have a civil conversation, she holds the phone away and says....lalalalalalalalalalalala...and brings the phone back like a child!!

There is something seriously wrong here. she told me that now her family is disgusted with me because I put it in her head that she is crazy and needs help.....when, in fact, she was the one that told me she was "numb" inside and couldn`t feel anything and needed to see a doctor. During this whole time her mom actually puts it in her head that Psychologists are rediculous and she should just take these thoughts and put them in a closet in her head and forget about them... Does this sound like advice from one mental case to another?

I don`t know where this leaves me because i got off of track a little. why is my wife filing for divorce when she was the one cheating on me and she wants it to be over very quickly. she honestly thinks that marriage is like a highschool romance and break-up. You sign a piece of paper and walk away like nothing ever happend. Now to all of you who have been following this story, at this point I have moved on with my life and am planning for the future and I told her that it is over. She now has turned the tables and tells me "ya know, affair aside, our marriage was horrible" and she will stand up and defend herself forever that she tried to talk to me about things. I know that there is always 2 sides to every story, but you see who the one is doing the research and typing this post don`t you?? she has said little things in passing, but have never sat me down to say ok, this is going to change or i am leaving you.

So about this divorce thing, she asked me if i wanted to fill out the paperwork and put spousal misconduct ect....

She also said that she doesn`t want anything out of the house and filled that part out when she signed the paper. Should i get a lawyer or settle this outside of court? She has a car in my name and is having the payment directly debited out of her account and said we will refinance it later down the road. So here is another thing....she left me (abandonment) high and dry with all of the bills and a brand new house. As she got her separate account and put her paycheck in there, she decided that the money left in the account was mine. Well lets just say she went on a spree and spent $760 in a day and a half out of what she left me, which needless to say took my account and the only money i had in it down to next to nothing. i tried to talk to her about it and she freaked out and said said that it was OUR money in that account. I hate to go on about this but like i said, this is my online journal now. So, all said and done and the nasty fights, I decided to be the bigger man and say "look, if we are going to end this, i don`t want to end on a bad note. So I am apologizing for all the wrong things that I have said because it is not like me to say those things and I`m sorry. If you cannot accept my apology than that is sad on your part". Well, she obviously didn`t see it coming and started crying and got off of the phone. The next day she called and apologized to me for her behavior, but said that there was too much damage done and she knows that I would never be able to get that image out of my head. I asked her if she really had in her mind that she was going to try and work things out and she said yes because she felt (at one time) that she never gave it her all to help the marriage. I agreed completely, she never even tried to save it, but just got up and walked away and had her affair. It still just burns in my stomach because i look at our future together and everything was fine and we had so much planned. she said that she is not going to see a doctor now, so she will never be diagnosed with depression or whatever she has. Do you think it is really too late, or just put it on the backburner and continue with my life and whatever happends, happends? Truely, we have not gone for more than 24 hours without talking because it kills both of us to not talk to each other for so long. Before she got off of the phone after she apologized to me she said that i am an absolutely wonderful person and she cares about me a lot. thanks for you inputs!!!

md

[jmargel]

Radio, please re-read my posts. You are asking for advice and we are trying to give it.

 

It takes two to make things work. Write down on here a list of what personaility problems she has. So far what I've read is the following:

 

- Immaturity

- Anger problems

- No respect for others

- Willing to listen to only those who think she is right (like her mom)

- Closed minded

 

 

If she is not even willing to goto a councilor with you, then there isn't much hope. There is nothing to be ashamed of to be diagnosed as depressed. Depression and being a nut are two different things. Sounds like she is shutting off her emotions. How were things before you left for Baghdad and Spain? What exactly did you do to her, if anything? You said you went to counciling but didn't tell us why.

 

Personally what I would do, is if you truly want to give her the space to think things through, give her the chance. Let her decide what she needs to do, don't council her. Don't call her or if you know she is calling, don't answer the phone for a few days. Sounds like you both need a rest from this. Re-read all your posts. One day things seem up, the next she wants a divorce. This isn't normal. She has some sort of problem that you can't fix. Was any of her past relationships abusive? My ex was abused by her mom, and over the years I saw no matter how much I tried to help her I was becoming a victim. My ex was becoming verbally & emotionally abusive, like her mom was to her. To bad she never got into counciling, but she did get into religion after we broke up. I believe that has helped her.

 

Anyway, post all you want on here, but remember the only way the head-games will end, is if you stop them.

[genie]

I agree with jmargel's advice, I very much second that you give the relationship space. I feel she is playing you, but I do not think she is doing it intentionally. She is just one lost soul. You seem to get her back temporarily, but not for what you deserve. You are not taking care of your own emotions and I know you're thinking, if I get her back that would take care of my emotions. The only way I think you will get her back permanently is to let her go. Don't talk to her, file for divorce. If ya'll are meant to be, you'll get married again.

I can tell you, when I decided I wanted a divorce, I had intentions of getting remarried. I wanted a divorce to make a clean sweep and start over. I know it sounds stupid, I can't explain it. I was in my late 20's at that time, I was young, naive and stupid.

[radioflyer]

Thank you for the words of wisdom and I will use them wisely! Here is the deal, she was in an abusive relationship before me (the one she was engaged to at the time she met me) and he put her down all the time and counted her calories ect....i knew this was a touchy subject with her and i never brought it up. we ate and ate until our hearts were content and she was so happy when she first met me that she could actually eat a bag of potato chips. About 2 years into the relationship i started hearing his name as i was being compared to him (for what reasons i don`t remember) and then our relationship started to be compared to her other one. I really, truely don`t understand the reasoning behind it, nor remember. I was talking to a friend lastnight and apparently she has talked to him a few times and mentioned a few things about me being unmotivated (i`m in the military for crying out loud) and if i do not fly on missions, i am on the ground (sitting at home). my time at home is unpredictable and she said that i could have used it more wisely like go to school. She has put it in my head that i am lazy and unmotivated and i really started to down myself for that. she said well maybe this whole thing between us will motivate you now more than ever. I don`t know if i posted this on my last post, but now her mom has shunned me. Her mom after calling her a whore to her face and talking to me everyday seeing how i was doing and telling me to move on is now blowing me off. Her daughter (my wife) has told me that her family is disgusted with me because i told her that she is crazy and needs to see a doctor!!!! I never stated that she was crazy (she told me that she feels "numb" inside and doesn`t know what is wrong with her) She was the one who said that she needs to talk to someone and now this whole situation is turning around on me. It seems like the affair is on the backburner and she is focusing on the negative aspects of the marriage. these negative aspects are so little and minute that couples everyday go through the same thing without thinking.

Ya know i drove past that little punk that she is hooked up with and about threw up. he is just a kid in my eyes and has nothing to offer her (seriously nothing). So to all of you thank you andi will take your advice and give her the space...i DO NOT plan on calling her or answering the phone calls!! I have actually made this decision right before i read you posts. I realized that we haven`t gone more than 24 hours without talking. I know that a lot of this is repeat stuff and i don`t remember what i have read. But all in all I am looking out for number one right now and trying to get my life straight. so, here is my plan...my activation for the war is up in august and i think that i am just going to move back up north where i am origionally from and either sell this house or rent it out. Financial issues are a real big thing with me right now and my wife just doesn`t seem to get it!!!! So again, I am letting her go, but just remember how bad it tears me up inside to know that she is living with him but a half of a mile away from me with 2 other guys in an apartment. The whole privacy issue bothers me. She is probably the most beautiful girl i have ever known and I know that these guys just eat it up having a female living with them. It bothers me to think that she is so open with letting herself go and it doesn`t bother her at all. I think that moving out of state and away from this situation back to where i am from will really help me out a lot!! I will let time take its toll, but by then i believe it will be too late!!

thanks again and will keep in touch

md

[genie]

At least you have a place to move on to. That is great!!! From now to August will seem like a lifetime and prepare for the ride of your life. Everytime I had an ending to a relationship/marriage I wished I could have picked up and moved away. She sounds very self destructive and she is inturn destructing you. Her mother is her mother and she needs to be there for her daughter, whether she is right or wrong. I'm not saying that her mother shouldn't give her advice where needed, but she needs to be there for her, not for you. It is just a mother's job. I would leave her family totally alone, that is what they are, they are her family. Don't be angry at them, just understand their place.

 

I feel for you, and I know (personally) that divorce is one of the hardest things that I've ever went through. Once you let go emotionally, it's only uphill from there. Hopefully, you'll find some inner peace

[VivianLee]

I've been reading this thread for a while....I don't want to sound like someone being "holier than thou" because I sure as heck know I'm not perfect or holy!!

 

First of all, I have alot of respect for you due to the fact that you are in the military, at times like these, I realize what special people you are.

 

Secondly, as someone that's been hurt by someone I love YET have also been the person to hurt someone I love....it's hard to read this....

 

Your decision to stop talking to your wife is possibly the best thing you could do for your physical and mental health. She is being cruel to you, the person she is suppose to love the most. She doesn't love you but I don't believe she loves the other guy either, I think she loves herself and is totally out for number one. You shouldn't and don't have to deal with that. Revenge is wrong but I think you can approach a semi-quasi-version of revenge without lowering yourself to her level....that is by being okay....what I mean is....moving on...working on getting her out of your life and mind forever and becoming a happy person because of it....in other words as the saying goes..."the best revenge is doing well'....go ahead and mourn for the lost love and relationship BUT your life isn't over by any means. You are ending one chapter and moving to another. You are so lucky to have your youth, a career and your health. The sky is the limit to what you are going to be able to do and accomplish!!

 

When you are able to look back on your marriage, try to think of what was good, that all wasn't lost. Also, there are plenty of other beautiful women out there, more beautiful than she AND nicer, faithful and loving. You will find them.

 

While getting over her, get over that other guy...he'll pay for his crimes and possibly through her. Once you are out of the way, the excitement of the affair is going to lose it's fun!!

 

Please get a good lawyer, don't let your tender feelings for her cloud your judgement....this person doesn't care for you or your well being, let self-preservation kick in and get what you deserve out of the divorce. I'm not saying be vindictive just don't let your feelings let her run all over you...

 

Be prepared that your moving on is going to drive her crazy...don't let it flatter you or make you feel as if she loves you....she isn't going to like not having a psychological hold on you....she loves the drama and the attention too much....stay strong no matter if she cries or even wants to be physical....she is a female class A manipulator!! Try to stay strong!!

 

I am so sorry that your marriage is ending and that your heart is so broken. It will heal, I promise you that!!

 

Take care and God Bless!!

 

PS, do you have to wait till August to move?

[radioflyer]

Thank you so much for your kind words and very powerful reply! Unfortunately I believe that i have wait until august to leave due to the military, selling or renting the house, and finding a good job where i am moving to. If i had it my way, i would have packed and moved a few weeks ago. It seems like this has been months, but infact it has only been 3 weeks since this tragedy started. I think it is quite obvious that she loves the attention that she is getting...especially living with these 3 guys and i`m sure they are surrounding her with all kinds of thoughts ect....she has pushed all of her friends away and seem to confide most in these guys which tell her what she wants to hear! It has been actually over 24 hours since i have talked to her now (which is a long time in this case) and it is really eating me up inside, but i will hold on and stick with my guns here. I have been telling her here and there what all i am doing to move on with my life and her reply is "Good! You need to look out for yourself for a change". But i found out that kindness kills her in the end. I will be speaking with a lawyer very shortly about this matter. I realized that she is out only for herself when she told me that her family is no longer her family because they shut her out due to this situation. She said that they can`t understand that she needs to do what makes "HER" happy and no one else. So, does that mean make my life miserable for what you did to me, just to make your selfish, self-centered self happy?? Grow up here!!!

I am taking small steps everyday though. Friends and family are a blessing in situations like these. If i didn`t have anyone i think i really would have gone off of the deep end. Even with everyone around I still feel lonely and heartbroken coming into this house everyday with my dog to greet me. What is sad...I was on the phone lastnight talking to a friends daughter and said something about Mommy and my dog perked his ears up and started whining and ran for the door and jus laid there for the rest of the night. My wife used to be inseparable from this dog. I know for a fact in my heart that this is not going to work out with my wife because i have already seen potential problems with his immaturity and yelling things at me in the background!

I don`t understand women and probably never will. I will maybe write a book someday and figure out what they are thinking....like that movie 'what women want'. That is why it is always good to have a women`s opinion in matters like this and i thank you all for that!!

md

[radioflyer]

Well...it has been about 3 days since i have had a conversation with my W and it just seems to be getting harder the more that I DON`T talk to her. I have been having nightmares and thinking about her and her new man!! I cannot bare this anymore and it is just eating me away inside. I still can`t get over this whole ordeal because this woman is my LIFE!! She still means everything to me but i really don`t see her coming back or even trying to work things out. I would just love to hear her voice right now to comfort me and make things all better. Can anyone give me some advice on how to just let go right now? She called me yesterday and left a message on the answering machine to let me know that she deposited a check into my account for the car payment. Now mind you she has no bills besides this payment and makes a lot of money. she told me that she was going to give me money to help pay for bills since she was the one who left and she never gave it to me.

I made it a point to not call her after the message to give her space, but usually she would`ve called if i didn`t call her back and she never called. So i called her 12 hours later to tell her that i got her message. She was very short and to the point with no emotion in her voice. She asked me if i was ok and i said yes, and that was the end of the conversation. I have been trying to get on with my daily activities, but everything i do and see reminds me of her. Now, there is just something that tells me if it wasn`t meant to be, i would just get on with life, but she was there for every minute of my day and everything that i did. Our marriage was not bad enough for her to leave like this without working things out and i just still don`t understand! My family and friends have completely written her off and told me that i BETTER not EVER take her back after all of this. I partly agree, but there is just a lot of something in me that would take her back and work on things. I know that if i did take her back that it would never be the same between my family and friends and my wife. They loved her with all of their hearts and thought she was the most amazing person for me. I understand that they hurt and don`t like to see me hurt. When i talked to my wife she agreed and that is part of the reason why NOW she is not going to try to work things out. I don`t know, i am just rambling on here in my daily journal of stew!

I want to leave this town so bad right now to get away from it all so nothing will remind me of her. The good thing is...my brother and g-friend are coming down tonight for the weekend which should take my mind off of things for a few days. I have applied to many many jobs all over in hopes to get a response so i can go. thanks for listening.

md

[Fritz]

Take care radio. Hang out with your bro, get out and do new things, talk to a counselor if you need to and talk to a lawyer. Definately talk to a lawyer if you haven't already. You need to protect yourself.

[radioflyer]

Fritz...thanks for the reply and I am definately taking care of myself and going to enjoy my weekend to the fullest!! Ya know, for everyone who has been following my case...i just thought of a really big thing that might play a part in this, but maybe not. We had an X-Mas party at the house here and my wife got really drunk to the point that she doesn`t remember a lot. A new girl came over with one of her friends (very cute i might add). Well they hung out all night and everyone left and/ or went to bed. This girl and my wifes friend all stayed in the master bedroom that night. well...apparently my wifes friend left the room and slept in the other room, which left my wife and this other girl in there. apparently from what my wife tells me (she doesn`t remember much) is that she was molested by this girl during the night. apparently during it, my wife called out my name to this girl, not even realizing it was her. Well, needless to say, my wife woke up with this girl spooing her with her hand on my wifes boob. My wife felt violated in one sense, but turned on in another sense. now mind you, my wife always says she has a "lesbian list" of hot actresses and singers that she would hook up with. Anyway, this girl was out at the bars more and more whenever we were there and my wife and her would get pretty drunk and start haning on each other and kissing each other on the lips. everyone thought it was just a joke, but this girl was starting to stalk my wife. About the time when my wife started going out with these girls when i would go on a trip, this girl pulled my wife into the bathroom and stuck her tongue down my wifes throat (as she says). i asked if she pulled away and she said...well, after a minute i did. My wife told me that she wishes she could just get it all out of her system and just have one night with this girl and videotape it for me. For some reason, i really didn`t have a problem with it. not that it is a fantasy, but i just didn`t mind the ordeal. i told my wife as long as it just goes that far and not to the opposite sex. She was apalled that i said that and said "omigosh no". This came up a few more times, but nothing else ever happend and my wife really started to realize that this girl was becoming infatuated, so my wife cut off all contact with her.

Now my question is, does this affair with this guy stem from the fact that i ok`ed it for her to just hook up with this girl and get it out of her system, or does my wife really have some identity problems and she doesn`t know what she wants?? It just really donned on my tonight as i was thinking about it. Did i open the door for her and give her the opportunity to cheat? i really don`t think that cheating is with another girl if it is just a fantasy of my wifes. Talk about throwing a twist in the situation huh? Thanks all for listening.

Wait....here is something else. Right before my wife moved out and inbetween things, i had bought her a vibrator a while back and she never used it until this one night. we went upstairs and asked me if we could just not have sex and i could watch her as she used this on herself while i pleasured myself. well, needless to say, this didn`t last long. she jumped ontop of me and we had the most amazing sex.....3 times that night actually. we woke up twice out of a dead sleep and she brought out the vibrator and used it and we moved on to sex. so it wasn`t like our sex life was bad by any means. so here is the bad part. as we had sex, inbetween the problems that we were having, she was using this vibrator, and i was honestly waiting for her

to call out this other guys name (the one who she was having an affair with). like i knew then that something was going on. it wasn`t like her to be "freaky" like that in bed. i read that women do wierd sexual things like this if they are having an affair. what do you all think about this one??

hehehehe.....should i write a book yet?

md

[radioflyer]

Well...i know it seems for me to be a long time since i posted, but here is an update. i was really ready to let go and move on until one day last week. i took her a bag of the REST of her things from the house including a set of random pictures. we talked for a bit at her work and then out in the parking lot. she again hugged me and was very touchy with me. she was crying and asked me what i was going to do. i told her that i was moving and moving on with my life. she started crying and said "i will probably never see you or the dog again ever will i?"

of course i responded no and just kept my cool. apparently she really freaked out about that and it seemed to hit home. well, she went back into work and had a major anxiety attack and had to be taken to the hospital and put on oxygen and the whole bit. she called me the next day and told me this and i was really upset that no one called, but she told her mom not to call me. anyway, she came over to the house and we talked for a long time and i sat her in the spare room with me on the bed and she cried some more as she was sitting on my lap. that turned into kissing and became a very intimate moment. the moment turned into about an hour of intimacy (no sex), but it was an amazing feeling. she told me that if she comes back and she hopefully makes the right decision (she says), she will no longer know this person (the other guy) and he is currently looking for another job. i was surprised, but then it wore off to the fact that i am even going through this that i am happy she is leaving this OTHER guy. she talked about having kids again (out of the blue) and starting all over again! as she laid in my arms on the bed, we looked out the window and she asked me if i just wished that we could close the blinds and make everything outside go away! Boy did i ever wish i could do that!

So, here i am, in another country right now (military) and i am writting to all of you about another update. I asked her AGAIN to try and stay at the house and watch the dog and be by herself. she was very happy about it at first, but then became reluctant. she never stayed there the first night and had her friend stay there. she said when she walked into the house she got "freaked out" and couldn`t stay there (AGAIN). I talked to her the day after and she said she was ok now and was going to stay at the house tonight. She basically also reassured me AGAIN that she didn`t know if things would work out between us (after that wonderful intimate moment).

I had a mutual friend meet her for lunch the other day and he talked to her a little bit and said that my story is different from hers. he told me to leave her alone and let the dust settle because we obviously have different way of thinking (my wife and I). so where does this leave me you ask? I HAVE NO CLUE!!!!!

Of course 8 hour flights on an airplane do not help at all to get a mind straight. A big part of me now says move on and get this out, but another part says help her get through this and both of you get through this and make the relationship work. i am a very committed person and still have hope, but that hope if fading fast (by my choice!!) thanks for listening again and any input would be great! i hope i did not leave out any details.

Just know that the past couple of times that we have met have been very intimate and loving! But afterwards she says that she gets angry at herself for doing it. She has not mentioned the other guys name at all and i sense a bit of tension between the two. of course you can tell now that the novelty has worn off and she realizes what happend. So here is a little twist to the situation. she said that she can`t imagine the pain i feel for what i saw that night, but she looked me in the eyes (and pinky swore) and swore on her life that nothing ever happend past that and it never made it to the SEX part!! Now i really want to believe her because she really has nothing to lie to me about and it really seems that she isn`t lying. she said that after that night, she really doesn`t want to be touched at all. but she let me touch her and was excited about it. what do you think?\

thanks again

md

[Rightlymia]

You do realize that you keep falling for this crap every time and it's starting to make you look silly right?????

[radioflyer]

Well....after re-reading all of the posts now..yes, i do feel like an idiot! But as they say ya know 'love is blind'.

And yes i do realize that this is repetative(sp) and is getting old. no need to respond to my ignorance with this, i`m sure everyone who is following this rolled their eyes at the same time!

thanks

md

[Mary00Anne]

Ok, radio, I've been following this for a bit and decided to post because I think it would be helpful taking some advice from the "player's" side (your wife). Yes, I rolled my eyes, you know yourself that you are going through the same cycle over and over again. I have cheatd on my husband (you can read about this in the Infedelity section for the whole story), but I am willing to work things out. This means sticking things through no matter what. For example, if I were your wife, I would stay at the house if it made you feel better because I know I was wrong and I would do anything to show that I was wiling to work things out. You are being way too nice. My husband learned that being too nice results in me pushing and pushing until he breaks. This is not the way I like to be and I realize this now. Also, I would seek counseling on top of that and not get my family on my side because of my insecurities. I have played other guys in the past, before my husband and I were dating. I did this because I was very insecure with myself and I felt that life needed to revolve around me and I needed sympathy and attention from everyone and I would get it very easily. You know that your wife is playing you and you already know what needs to be done. Why don't you try counseling - to get a professional's point of view and feedback. Your wife may benefit from it as well as far as finding out why she behaves like this. But she needs to see that she has these faults. You can't keep seeing her and falling for her manipulative way of every time she cries. You do great when you are cool and stay away, but as soon as you get close, she pushes you away. This is the game she likes to play. Believe me, I have done it too many times. I realize now that that is not the way to live, especially when you are in a married relationship. Naturally in any relationship, you are going to have problems, but if one is not willing to work on them together with the other, then there is no hope. You will continue to have your rollercoaster. It seems that you like this game as well, maybe you feel a bit insecure, but that can be helped with therapy. You both need a third party to communicate. It is not working just the 2 of you. You need to lay this out on the table and stick to it because I am sorry, but your marriage will not be a happy one if this continues this way. It will be tough at first, but little by little, you will see positive differences. Take it from me, that is living it now.

I wish you well.

[jmargel]

It is a revolving circle. You are being the 'nice' guy here and you shouldn't be! You were hurt, your vows were broken, your marriage in all sense has no foundation. You should be pissed! She knows what buttons to push on you and she's continues to do it. As long as you continue to pat her on the head & say it's ok after she comes running to you, the same thing will happen over & over again.

 

You keep on with these threats, the boy who cried wolf and you will find out that you saying 'its over' will have less & less impact on her over time. She has the best of both worlds and your trust for her should be zero. Trust is earned. Where has she earned this trust back? You say you believe her about not having sex with that guy, but where is the substance to that belief? You are 'wishing' she doesnt have sex with him, but to actually trust her enough, you know in your heart you might not believe that.

 

There was another post I was helping out a guy who was in a similiar situation. The thread count was close to 200, and that was just him, me and another guy trying to help him out. He finally saw the circle he was going in, and in the end she did leave him for good. They had a house together but she would go out & party all the time. Come home at weird hours and not respect him. She needed 'time', yet when he said he wanted out, she would come crying. He realized that she was just buying time to make sure she knew what she truly wanted.

 

A marriage shouldn't be about a relationship that lives from day-to-day. A marriage shouldn't be about loving words and actions that are then taken back by getting angry about the things a wife & husband do together. A marriage shouldn't be about a person who cheated and spit upon everything that is considered sacret in a marriage. A marraige shouldn't be about ONE person. And a marriage shouldn't be about someone who is too selfish to see a councilor when they know they have a tough problem.

 

Really look and see yourself in another 30-40 years. Do you really want to continue to do this? What she is doing is totally destroying you inside. It's stuff like this that drives people over the edge. Realize that you two haven't even been married a year.

 

It's time to let go. Time to move on and time to heal for yourself. And it's ok to do that.

 

-Jeff

[bluechocolate]

I've stayed out of this thread for a while now exactly because you are just going around & around the same thing & I really didn't have anything else to add that I haven't said already, so

 

Yep - gotta agree with jmargel here

[Fritz]

I have to agree with jmargel too. You have to take a stand otherwise the endless circle you're in will just keep eating you alive. Take care.

[radioflyer]

well...i thank you for your replies and help with all of this. i have made the decision to move on and i am making all positive steps to do so. i am out of the country right now for 2 weeks and she was supposed to be staying at the house again and she said that she couldn`t (after telling me that she really wanted to) i probably posted this in the earlier post. so, today i got an email from my brother, who apparently called her (drunk?) to see if she was staying at the house with the dog and she wasn`t. well, he called her on her cellphone and what turned out to be a civil conversation, turned into a crazy twisted battle of F***ed up things that were said. my brother broke the confidentiality between him and i about this whole ordeal and brought EVERYTHING up to her about what i told him. she was willing to go to counciling with me and work on everything, but not after this whole mess, which is fine. yes, things are too far gone in the marriage i think to be worked out. I am just really pissed that my brother had the nerve to call her (when it wasn`t his place to) and start off this new stuff. things were really fine between my W and I and mellow. this trip was going to be good for me and her and i did my thinking, but i will be damned if this is the last thing that i want to deal with over here. sorry to vent, but my wife said that she knows that it is over and she has to accept it and what she did. she is absolutely devastated to the point that she was hyperventilating on the phone. she just kept saying "what did i do, what did i do...i ruined our life together!" i just kept my calm and cold voice. anyway, thanks again for the help to all of you...you are a lot of the source of me coming to peace with this and moving on with my life. if i didn`t have this board and the advice, i really don`t know where i will be right now. P.S. i am typing to you from Spain right now and in a few hours i will be in Iraq and Kuwait! boy talk about jetlag huh? thanks again to all of you!

mc