I'm so angry

[sadintexas]

Things are still going well. His company has not made a decision on his reinstatement. It's still under review right now, so in the meantime, we put out his resume and he has a few interviews set up. The jobs aren't as good as what he had, but they're decent. I'll be happy for him to get back to work regardless. It's good for us all the way around.

 

He seems to have recovered well emotionally. He's not beating himself up like he was and he seems motivated again. I'm feeling a lot better...more comfortable again.

 

We just returned from a vacation. We'd already booked and paid for it prior to all of this happening or else we wouldn't have gone. It was to Las Vegas, the capital of free drinks 24/7, so I had my reservations to say the least. He did surprisingly well and to my knowledge didn't take a drink. We actually had a really good time and needed that time away to reconnect and recharge.

 

We took a trip out to Red Rock in the mountains. It was so beautiful and peaceful up there. I have't felt that relaxed in a while now.

 

So, all in all, things are good. I'm learning to appreciate each good day and not take them for granted.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Oh, shyte. I am terribly sad to read this, and so sorry.

 

It sounds so much like when my ex husband relapsed and destroyed everything in his path en route. Even the mouthwash - in my situation, it was Robitussun. A LOT of it. And, like you, I was the evil one for trying to stand in the way of his relief from his cough.

 

Exactly the same with the big explosions that are engineered to have the addict / alcoholic storming out of the house, really just an excuse to go on a huge binge.

 

And the 180 from loving to hateful behavior. Police, restraining orders, violence and destruction.

 

Looking back, I can hardly even relate to how I survived through it all. I did, though. You will too. You sound a lot better than I think I was already.

 

The mess is almost 6 years behind me now. I have really been able to move forward with my life. You will too - and it sounds like you already are. When I think back on it all I do still feel a pain, and there has been some damage done to me and my daughter that left scars but I am leading a happy and fulfilling life and I think she will be able to as well.

 

Unfortunately, time takes time, and that's mostly what you need to move through this heartbreak and demolition and begin to rebuild.

 

I HATE addiction and alcoholism.

 

Take the best care of yourself that you possibly can. With love.

[2sunny]

Hugs to you.

 

Since he hasn't stopped his drinking and using - there's no way for you to make sense of any of this. It's not supposed to make sense to you.

 

You are best letting him go - to do what he's gonna do (drink) - YOU can't stop him.

 

Any other diagnosis isn't of value until he's without anything altering for a few months... Until then - it looks like insanity.

 

Best that you don't watch what happens next.

 

Hugs

[Lostinlife4now]

sadintexas!!!!!!

 

I have been where you are and believe me it is not a good place to be in.

 

My xh was an alcoholic. Stone cold.....Since it was my 2nd marriage I thought to myself I am going to do everything to make this work. I knew he had a drinking problem before I married him but he was a "functioning alcoholic" whatever the hell that means? And I thought I can do this and make him better... HA NOT!!!! He had gotten so bad he fell one night and had to be rushed to the ER and was put into 10 days of a medically induced coma to get him off the alcohol. We had just opened a new business and 2 other people depending on him, now, not only him being in the hospital, us being newly married and a new business, I had to step into the business because one of the partners lived over 90 miles away. I had no idea what the hell I was doing but I stepped in and did what I had to to. After the hospital stay, he was sent to re-hab (30 days) which is a joke. He came home after the rehab and started drinking 2 weeks later...His poison was 3 bottles of VODKA per day...Yes 3....you read it right.... I had to give him another chance because of the other partners and I thought he deserved another chance from me. He had been drinking all of his life....but I thought with my love and help he would stop.....NEVER DID HE...

 

18 years prior to this I unexpectedly lost my 8 year old son to an undetected aneurysm and with the pain and suffering I did with his death, I knew I could not take anymore in life. When my xH did not stop, I asked him for a divorce. We had been through counseling loads of it!

 

See, I guess what I am trying to say is you just can't do it all. If they can't and won't stop, and yes, they go through the good periods, but the bad times outweigh the good times. I felt like was dying all over again going through this with him. At one point he almost set my house on fire due to the fact that he passed out with the fireplace on and the flu not opened.

After that I said ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!! I loved him but I could not handle the disease anymore. I WAS DYING!!! And he was killing me.

 

I have been divorced for a few years now...And I have never been happier. I am alone but happy! (but yes I do miss my son every single day) I had went down the worst road any mother could go, and I wasn't letting an alcoholic take me down anymore.

 

I hope this makes sense! Hang in there, we are all here for you!

 

Get out while you still have some wits about you.

[2sunny]

Educate yourselves on alcoholism.

 

It's not YOUR job to try to make them stop - that is impossible.

 

It's YOUR job to set and keep a solid boundary for YOU! If that means eliminating them from your life - that's a good boundary. No reason to keep someone around when they cause so much concern and harm. That's not loving behavior.

 

Research abuse... The main people who put up with this kind of behavior are the one who had abuse in their past... So this seems quite normal to them.

 

It's not normal. And it doesn't need to be tolerated.

[GorillaTheater]

SadinTexas, I'm so sorry for you and your husband's situation. I had an uncle who I dearly loved exit this world via Leaving Las Vegas, and lived with his struggles for 20 years prior to that point. Dealing with the alcoholism of someone you love will make you sadder, and madder, than just about anything else. Blessings to you, darlin'.

[Lostinlife4now]

OMG Lost, I am so sorry about your son. That is my worst fear. I'm pretty sure I can handle what life has to throw at me...except that. You are a very strong and amazing woman.

 

 

 

Thanks sadintexas!!!!! I just keep putting one foot in front of the other! As long as you can do that...you are good!!!!

[Lostinlife4now]

So I got all my papers together and went to the courthouse today. Got my petition for divorce filed...now the 60 day waiting period starts. Earliest it can be finalized is May 1st.

 

I expected to feel some sadness or regret, or SOMETHING when I handed the clerk the paperwork. Nothing. It seemed like another chore on my list today...

 

take kids to school...check

fix camper tire...check

file for divorce...check

 

I'm not sure what that means, but I'm just thankful for a peaceful day.

 

Hi sadintexas!

 

Been thinking of you! I am happy that you are taking charge of your life!

I know it may not seem it right now, but you will be absolutely fine...someday...you need to go through all of the necessary emotions and it will be a thing of the past. I do feel sorry for him just as i did my ex, but I felt more sorry for myself and my daughter having us go thru this. WE DID NOT DESERVE this kind of life, and neither do you! I am glad your parents are nearby, they will be your support. Have you heard from him at all?

 

How are you feeling, physically? Are you eating and getting some rest? This can really kick ones' ass!

 

Don't forget the three "C's", I learned this in Alanon.....

 

1) you can't Control this disease

2) you can't Cure it

3) you are not the Cause of it......

 

When I discovered this...I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders...I could do nothing to help him...sad but true!

[dreamingoftigers]

I am so sorry. This is the same type of cycle I went through with my husband during the summer with the same type of ridiculous excuses. They literally are insane when they drink! It is crazy-making!

 

My husband had to lose our daughter and live in the back of his car for 3 months in order to start getting a grip on things.

 

I had no say in his actions. If he goes back to it, I am COMPLETELY done. There is no reasonable excuse anymore.

 

I think your life will be more stable without him; unless of course he completely were to sober up and recover.

[Feelin Frisky]

Hiya SIT. You're facing something that is both complex and simple at the same time. You already spoke of the complexities but what is simple is that your sober logic is working against you because through a chain of events you have come face to face with something which defies logic and thus blame and shame --which are usually matters of logic--only make things tougher. It is likely that the hormonal excess exacerbated issues which your husband had long going on within him that he either never faced head on or didn't know he had, and his sobriety all these years gave the illusion that all was well. Often too much testosterone will result in "roid rage" in which the man's temperament can be edgy and his likeliness to simply yield to it increases. But it seems your husband had a serious brush with paranoia and that implies the type of break with reality of someone either truly afflicted with mental illness (schizophrenia) or on the cusp (schitzo-effective discorder). People with these conditions often self-medicate in the worst possible ways with substances that make the situtation much worse--I've been in rehab myself a few times for various excesses and have through my out-patient treatment as well seen many paranoid folk turning to the absolute last things on earth they should be messing with like crack and crystal meth. The bottom line of what I'm saying is that logic goes out the window with mental illness and can actually work against persons like yourself in relationships with or who are charged with the care of someone afflicted so that you sort of "catch the mental illness" in some regard yourself (figuratively speaking).

 

I admit I'm giving a layman's subjective interpretation but surely my experience is not entirely valueless. You see, I was the "logic person" in a relationship with the person who had the mental illness and I did not know she was ill. My anger and my belief that everything could be simply corrected with reason if I went over it enough and eventually bellowed it loud enough went for absolute naught and I wound up self-medicating not realizing that I was doing the same thing over and over and expecting different result. I was not married to this woman but believed there was hope and reason to continue to suffer her bouts of paranoia, betrayal, illogic. She wasn't on hormone replacement treatment but perhaps her hormonal condition triggered this borderline personality fragmentation that kept throwing me all these hard curves I could not handle with anything but logic and eventually logic plus anger. Your husband's use of hormone replacement--and apparently a gross mistake in dosing--may have triggered or just amplified some tendencies he long presumed he had control over. But when that happened, the alcoholism, the guns and paranoia, the guilt, the abdication of responsibility, the moodiness, the ILLOGIC all came forth in a pattern that comes under some flavor of "mental illness".

 

There is hope for him to put his genie back in the bottle, but I frankly fear more for you. I share some of what you must be feeling and it toppled me at one time because I worked so hard to make myself marketable and attract this beautiful girl who seemed at first to be just what I wanted in most every regard. Except for her looks and bedroom skills she was exactly the opposite of everything I needed but my damn logic and certainty that it must win kept me involved in something I should have bailed on much earlier on. Please be careful and aware of this trap--people are not "created equal"--they are all unique and sometimes you can't know until you face a crisis how wrong you could have gotten it. Be well and best of luck.

[dreamingoftigers]

I really dont say that lightly.

 

It would take literal years of work.

 

And truly, I don't think they are really out of the woods until they are sober about 4-5 years and taking SERIOUS responsibility for their lives.

 

Anything less is too short. It's sad, it really is, but I am glad that you know you and your kids deserve better.

 

Right now our little daughter is h and mine. I won't tolerate one more relapse. Way too much at stake. Love him, can't save him.

 

It sounds like you've cut off the pain for now. Best way to deal with the present circ.

[Mme. Chaucer]

My ex got clean and sober when I had been for about 4 years. After he got a year under his belt we married.

 

14 years later, he relapsed. Really badly.

 

I took a big risk, and I can't say whether I would do something like that again or not. Being a former addict myself, I was (am always) a risk and at risk myself. Our good years there were very good, and lots of marriages go bad for all different kinds of reasons. But the devastation wrought by addiction is a special kind of hell ...

[Lostinlife4now]

Well, he contacted me via email this morining. It was full of how much he loves me and the kids and misses us, and how he wouldn't have walked out if I'd just asked him to stay. It was full of blame, how I pushed him to the point of leaving. He mentions how he will never be able to love, or make love, to another woman again, and he will be single until the day he dies (funny because I'm quite sure he was out drinking and searching for his next warm bed last night). No where in the letter does he bring up his drinking. He talks about us both being too head strong to talk.

 

When he's done this in the past, it's always pulled at my heartstrings. I was concerned that when he started with the "I love you" and "we can make this work" that I would be drawn to him again. So I sat down and responded to his email from the heart. I was a little surprised at myself that the email ended up being what it was, but happy too that it reflects my genuine feelings. Below is my response....

 

"You don't seem to understand, and now I believe you will never understand, that your drinking IS the root of our problems. There are others, yes, but until you can be rational and sober and truly acknowledge the damage the drinking does, we have no foundation to build on or any reason to work through anything else, It is not fair to expect me, especially after everything you've put me through drinking in the short time we've been together, to continue to invest in this relationship while waiting for the next disaster to happen. It is not fair to ask the kids to understand why you storm out of here without so much as a goodbye to them, and no understanding of what's going on. They're young and THIS is the stuff that damages them.

 

You can recall things any way you like. If you think you didn't do MORE than your fair share of damage and leading us down the path we're on, you're sorely mistaken. When you get real and take care of your own problems, starting with the drinking, then maybe we can talk. You need to go back into rehab and serious long term counseling.

 

The fact that you think you can control your drinking again tells me that you've thrown everything you learned out the window. The ONE thing that got me back together with you in 2010 was coupling the work you were doing in counseling with what you told me when you visited me that summer in 2009...that you were tired of living this way and didn't want to drink anymore. You no longer have that attitude and have accepted that alcohol is going to be part of your life. That's your choice, but I can't live with it. I told you that from the very beginning. I gave you the benefit of the doubt more than once. I gave you opportunities to live up to your promises and make different choices, but you didn't. I told you the night you left here that you had to make a final choice...me and this family, or alcohol. You made your choice.

 

You're not the only one living through pain and the loss of a lifetime love. I'm there too, but I'm at point where I know we can't keep doing the same thing over and over. It's destructive to each of us personally, as well as to the kids. I can't keep fearing what tomorrow will hold. I can't keep fearing that I will have financial ruin because you've decided you're invinsible and you do something that affects me and tears apart everything I've worked for. I can't keep fearing that you're going to drink yourself to the point of sickness or death again. That's mental and emotional torture, but you don't understand that. And you can't understand why I'm stressed which is just amazing to me,

 

You know what *** (my son) told me about a week ago? That he was going to get married so he could get unmarried and drink and move to *** (H's state) with *** (H's mom) so he could be just like his daddy. THAT is the influence you're having on him. Let's take you and I out of the picture for a minute. Do you think that I would be a responsible parent by allowing that influence around my children? He's already genetically predisposed to becoming an alcoholic. *** (my daughter) is suffering the feeling of abandonment, not by one father, but by two. And you criticized *** (exH) for walking away from her, yet you do the exact same thing after making her promises that YOU would be there for her. Knowing how delicate she is with all of this, you abandon her too and leave her feeling that she's really not worthy of love because now she's lost TWO fathers. Do you understand how much it kills me to know that a decision I made, to trust you and believe in you and follow my heart to be with the man I love despite the risks, has damaged my children?

 

Love has nothing to do with it anymore. I've managed to love you from afar for most of my adult life and I can do it again and deal with it. I've learned with you that words are cheap. If you want to salvage this marriage, then it's going to take action. And that means completing rehab and counseling there and living a sober life before I can even consider reuiblding a relationship with you. It's not that I don't love you because I do. I love all of us enough, including you, to let you go."

 

 

Oh sadintexas!!!!!!

 

BRAVO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Your letter to him was spot-on!!!! Honest, genuine and from the heart and MIND. I am so VERY proud of you! Your children will grow up to be strong and happy people because they have a mother like you! I am so happy for you that you have finally ARRIVED! NOW stick to it. You get the gist of the point in your letter to him. Alcoholics only believe and see what THEY what to believe. Not what is realistic. They do a considerable amount of damage to the people around them and then expect all to be forgiven. You can't do this to yourself and your kids anymore. I am soooooooooooo grateful that you have come to this happy place. Stay there...it does get easier. Breathe....and smile!!!!!

 

Maybe, just, maybe someday there will be a man to love you and your children the way a woman should be loved and treasured!!

 

God Bless...................

[phillybrokenheart]

OMG!!!! Sadintexas! I read your response to my post and then went into yours to see what you've been thru.

 

My jaw hit the ground. While I was reading, I thought, OH this is hopeful, they got on track and worked things out. Then I got to the posts from 2012 and couldnt believe what turned out.

 

I am SOOOO sorry for you! I completely understand the hope that you had and the feeling of that hope being gone.

 

I wish you and your children the very best! I mean that from my heart!

 

Your email to him was fantastic. I understand how that is, he does it to me, every other week (In between the weeks he is telling me to go "F" myself and how horrible a person I am). I know how hard it is to hear him say how much he loves and misses you and to know in heart that you can not give in YET AGAIN.

 

Being married to an addict is the hardest thing in life. And you are right, its the dreams of "what we were supposed to be" that tears me up inside.

 

You are an inspiration, it makes me feel better to know that I am not alone in HAVING to walk away from the man I love for my sanity and more importantly my daughters.

 

I will be checking in to see how things are going for you.

 

Stay strong.

[dreamingoftigers]

Ugh.

 

That letter was brilliant and spot-on!

 

Beautifully written. I bet you've drafted a few of those LOL.

 

I have broken up with my husband in so many unsent texts and emails that j could bind them together as a book of templates for "dump your SO letters."

 

The reason he does not address your points:

 

Taking responsibility to most addicts means shame.

 

They minimize, justify, blame and deny their own responsibility to avoid that shame.

 

It's the sane reason they become and stay addicts.

 

So very unfortunate.

 

Many of them see emotional reactions as weapons against them. So they try to temper the reaction instead of addressing the cause.

 

When the reaction doesn't go away, they shift the blame to you.

 

Best of luck to you and your children.

[findingnemo]

Hi SIT,

 

I just read this thread and my heart goes out to you. I can't imagine how you felt going through all that. I loved your letter to your STBXH - it was very clear. I hope he understands it one day.

 

I have no experience with an all out alcoholic. My xH used alcohol as "Dutch courage" when he wanted to make me miserable. Addiction is a terrible thing to deal with. Where I'm from, we women have a saying "You can't compete with alcohol". It always wins unfortunately.

 

I'm glad your D is underway and you're doing well financially.

 

{{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}}

[Forever Learning]

Thanks Nemo...I appreciate it. I hope he "gets it" some day too, but I don't give that thought any energy anymore.

 

I'm having a bit of an off day today. Nothing major, just a little melancholy. Goes with the territory I suppose, but overall, things are going fairly well.

 

I am glad to hear you are hanging in there. You are making good decisions here. I'm glad you are able to post here and have many folks who genuinely care about your plight. I have experienced my similar things in my life as what you have experienced. I know how tough it is.

 

I can tell you, divorce and freedom are the sweetest things that ever happened to me.

 

Every day is amazing, with him gone for good.

 

I worked out tonight, 45 minutes on my treadmill, and I feel fantastic. What a blessing to work out in peace, and to love my kids in peace, without him around. It's utterly fantastic, the most basic of moments, without the burden of him to derail the happiness of it.

 

I hope the same for you, to reach a point of feeling good about all the freedom now that he is gone. No longer your burden. I will never go back to the madness and grief that was everpresent, when he was there. Can't believe I spent almost 6,000 days of my life with him there, being an ass every step of the way. That number could bum me out if I linger on it too long. Onward and forward. Life is amazing, if you let it be. Working out is helpful, you feel so good afterwards, a sense of accomplishment. Hang in there, we are rooting for you!

[fucpcg]

Okay I'll start by saying I didn't read thru this whole thread, mainly just your opening post. I have to say the diagnosis of what happened doesn't make sense to me. In TRT maybe the doctor prescribes 200mg or so a week of Test, usually less. If they doubled that, it would come to 400mg of Test a week. Coming from the bodybuilding world, I have never taken LESS than 400mg a week of test when on a growth cycle for 8 weeks, and guys who compete at national levels take as much as 2,000mg a week of Test, plus other drugs, sometimes for years on end. A dose of 400mg for 6 weeks will not cause any kind of out of control, high test rage that plummeted your husband off the deep end. My opinion is that there is something else going on here. I'd seek other opinions.

[Forever Learning]

Our conversation was very enlightening. We compared a lot of notes and uncovered a lot of lies. I learned that he is doing the same things to them as he was to me. The whole "I'm leaving and I hate you and you'll never see me again" was said to his mother, while at the same time he was giving me the speech on how we can make it work, and he sees all the changes he needs to make. She said he came close to hitting her (wow, that sounds familiar) and the dad almost called the police because H was outside ranting and raving at them after 1am. It's almost the exact same stuff he pulled on me the last time he left here.

 

She said they are suffering emotionally and financially due to him. It also has her blood pressure up and is affecting her physically as well. I feel sympathy for them now because I didn't know he was doing that to them. He always painted a different picture. But now I know this behavior isn't really sporadic and it's not limited to "us". This is just how he is.

 

Boy this sounds familiar. As you know I lived with this type crap for years and years. I think these type personality defects are permanent. They may wax and wane, but it's always present within them. You really don't need any of this in your life. I can tell you, a peaceful and drama free life - well now that I've got it, I wouldn't trade it FOR THE WORLD. Living without this drama is just too sweet. I feel for you and this man's poor parents. God bless them, and you. Hang in there girl.

[whichwayisup]

Jesus! You've certainly been through hell and back! You're incredibly strong S.

 

I do hope he gets the treatment he needs, and hope he truly hits rock bottom so he can get his sh.t together to at least live life.

 

His poor mom and dad, being manipulated and yes, they love him but they must stop enabling him. Maybe this trouble he's in will open their eyes and they'll let authorities take over, whether it be treatment centre, hospital or jail time.

[Eve]

Wow, great thread!

 

OP, you seem to be getting stronger as things begin to make more sense. Man, talk about having to do some CSI level work to find out what this man has been up to. Totally wrong what he said about his mum when she was ill.

 

Me? I would have punched him in his face ages ago..

 

Glad you have such good support here. Nice to see.

 

 

Thanks for sharing.

 

Take care,

Eve x