In a rubbish predicament and unsure of

[Jaxx10]

Apologies, this is going to be long. I've never confided this is any of my friends as some of them are mutual friends with my ex, the whole situations getting so complex and getting me so down, I'd really appreciate some advice or to hear if some of you have been in a similar situation.

 

I met her in town a couple of years ago, I instantly liked her, we exchanged numbers and would facebook each other regularly. After she added me on FB, I saw that she was 'in a relationship', I backed off as I will never ruin or get in between someone's relationship as i've had it done to me! Plus I didnt want my feelings to grow for her and be in this painfully awfully situation where you cant be together. She said she'd been thinking about ending it for a couple of weeks, I didnt want to influence her so I just let her get on with it and backed off.

 

About a month/ 6 weeks later I saw her in town and she told me she was single and we started dating. We were together for about a year, when she fell pregnant. That was a really really tough time, she wanted to have an abortion, I wanted us to keep the baby, but ultimately it was her body and her decision and I was supportive of whatever she decided. I never made her feel bad about her decision or anything. After the proceedure she stayed with me at my place, she was living with her sisters and brother in Manchester and she didnt want them to get suspicious, to this day none of her family or our friends know about this.

 

During that week, I tried to get her out as much as I could as neither of us wanted to sit and wallow in what had happened and what we had done At the end of the week she went home, everything was fine, she said she loved me and that she'd see me at the weekend. Two days later she texted me to tell me it was over. I called her but her phone was off, so i messaged her saying we need to talk. She never replied to that message, instead of bombarding her with texts or phone calls I went over there and no one answered the door. That was 3 years ago and i've never seen her since.

 

That was the hardest time of my life, there was no closure. She'd sworn me to secrecy so I couldnt chat it out with anyone. I'd never done anything to deserve this or for her to be like this. Yeah I wanted to keep the baby but I never pressured her or made her feel bad about her decision. In that week we had no baby and no love of my life.

 

Three weeks later she messaged me, didnt even call me and told me there was 'nothing more to say'. I was distraught. We've never spoken since then. I thought that I should try move on and find someone else, but after 3 years im still in love with her and want to be with her. I've emailed her a few times but shes never replied. My parents have asked why we split up and i made up a lie that we just fell out of love with each other, but they keep saying they miss her and would love to see her again. It just makes it harder.

 

I saw that she was seeing some other guy (that hurt alot!) but they split up recently. How would you try and win her back? I've given her space for 2 years, I dont want to wait anymore. Even if we cant be together, to be friends and be able to talk would be just as good.

 

I'm getting so down about this, have this massive secret on my shoulder, that i've bottled up for so long, its killing me! I've started to self harm (no im not attention seeking!) I'm a guy and feel I shouldnt be this emotional.

 

If my friends were to know they'd ask why i'd want her back after how she's been. You cant help who you love.

 

What would you do if you were in my situation?

 

Sorry its been so long!

[spiderowl]

I'm really sorry to hear what happened to you. It sounds awful and heartbreaking. You'd been with her a year and then the possibility of a child too; it's no wonder you are struggling with these losses.

 

Sadly, I suspect that when she became pregnant it became clear to her that she didn't want a committed future with you, for whatever reason, hence her decision to go for an abortion despite you not wanting that. She would have felt pretty awful herself, making that decision and going through with it, knowing it was against your wishes. A pregnancy is very symbolic of settling down with someone and it seems she didn't want to.

 

I think she could have said more you to and explained her reasons for leaving. The fact that she just cut off like that did leave you in an unfinished situation. Having been in one myself, I know just how much it hurts that they don't even explain. It took me ages to get over that but in the end I realised that I just didn't know him as well as I thought and that it was meant to be. If someone can do that to you, then they are not right for you, not the loving, committed woman you deserve.

 

It might help to talk about this with someone. If you can't talk to your friends, can you find a counsellor? Talk to your doctor and see if they can refer you anywhere. I don't think there's much point hanging on to hope about this girl. If she wanted to get back together, she would have been in touch. I suspect it's the way she ended it and the other feelings associated with a possible baby that has left you feeling it is totally unfinished. Sometimes there are things we will never understand and when we have exhausted every means of trying to understand, we have to come to terms with what is left. Whatever you felt for this girl, she obviously wasn't feeling the same way. Perhaps if you understand that the split was inevitable, pregnancy aside, it might help. She had free will and she made choices. She was not the right person for you. If she had been, she would be with you now.

[D-Lish]

Maybe I can provide some female perspective on the matter as I have recently been through a pregnancy and break up. I was was in a good relationship, I got pregnant and I too was wanting to keep the child while he was against it (but did say he'd support whatever decision I made).

 

That particular line is a pretty standard PC line- you think you're giving you opinion while at the same time trying to come off as supportive. Once your man says this- you know he doesn't want to have the baby, and it makes it hard to say "well I want the baby".... I suspect she was influenced a lot by the fact that you didn't want to have the baby, and after the abortion regretted the decision, developed a great amount of guilt, and probably blames you in part for what she did.

 

With my ex- as soon as he said he didn't want the baby, I had a hard time with the choice to do what I wanted. Unfortunately I had a miscarriage. After the MC, when my emotions ran high, I actually resented him because I felt he was relieved it happened. He actually left me shortly after- but to this day I do associate his response as being unsupportive and I do have resentment for him.

 

An abortion is a really hard decision for a woman to make, it's a humiliating experience for a lot of women. There is also always a lot of guilt that is often associated with a decision like this.