Anna-Belle Posted August 14, 2011 Share Posted August 14, 2011 Hi, I'm new here. I've been in a relationship with a married man for two years. He has decided to go back to his family and give his marriage a second chance. He felt our relationship was taking too much time away from his responsibilities for his children and family. It's been really hard for me to accept this outcome of our relationship. I understand that I have no choice though. It's been almost a month now since we last spoke or saw each other. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 14, 2011 Share Posted August 14, 2011 Like it or not, he does have a choice to end things. Many affairs, as someone said recently, do have an expiration date, and sadly for you, he decided that he wants to go back home and be with his family. It sucks and I'm sure you're hurting, but please, respect his choice and let go. Don't try to woo him back or tell his wife in hopes he'll choose you and divorce her. Focus on letting go, grieving and begin your healing process. Talk to good friends and family that you trust and will support you through this. Keep busy! Join a gym, pick a fun hobby, don't sit and wallow at home alone. Get rid of any hope that he'll come back! IF he does, it'll be to continue the A, and unless you are okay being second fiddle and his side dish, stay away from him..He'll just hurt you all over again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Anna-Belle Posted August 14, 2011 Author Share Posted August 14, 2011 Thank you for your reply, whichwayisup. I'm sure you're right. It's just so hard because I really felt we had something special. I don't know if I will ever find something like that again. Link to post Share on other sites
eleanor01 Posted August 14, 2011 Share Posted August 14, 2011 Hey, Anna-Belle. I'm so sorry. What are you doing to take care of yourself? Ellie Link to post Share on other sites
Author Anna-Belle Posted August 14, 2011 Author Share Posted August 14, 2011 The first week I just kept crying and crying, hoping that he would call me. Now I try to get out and meet my friends. It makes me forget about him for a while at least. But then when I come home again to an empty house, it's just so hard. I love him so much. Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted August 14, 2011 Share Posted August 14, 2011 Thank you for your reply, whichwayisup. I'm sure you're right. It's just so hard because I really felt we had something special. I don't know if I will ever find something like that again. Affairs very often feel like something special. First, the MM/MW is getting a lot of their needs met, as well as doing their more mundane activities, with their spouse. By contrast their affair can fully concentrate on romantic things, sex, intimacy, couple time - much more so than most ongoing open Rs where one starts to share much of each other's lives - not just the romantic part. Second, the secrecy builds a bond. Third, MM/MW often compensate for the guilt and lies, by going the extra mile in making the A work on some level. Fourth, for MM in particular, they can be much more effusive in discussing feelings, not having to worry about being expected to carry through, since they have a built in excuse - they are already married. I'm sure there are other differences, but I experienced all the above as an OW. Some people keep going back to affairs to experience these things. The downside is it usually doesn't lead anywhere (because they are already married) and it involves bringing deception and secrecy into your life and participating in treating another poorly. I'd work on trying to recognize the affair for what it was - an affair and think hard as to whether that is really all you want out of a friend and lover and partner. If you do decide affairs are not for you, you might never experience exactly this again, but you could experience something even better - a true and lasting love that is not hidden. Link to post Share on other sites
Under The Radar Posted August 14, 2011 Share Posted August 14, 2011 Affairs very often feel like something special. First, the MM/MW is getting a lot of their needs met, as well as doing their more mundane activities, with their spouse. By contrast their affair can fully concentrate on romantic things, sex, intimacy, couple time - much more so than most ongoing open Rs where one starts to share much of each other's lives - not just the romantic part. Second, the secrecy builds a bond. Third, MM/MW often compensate for the guilt and lies, by going the extra mile in making the A work on some level. Fourth, for MM in particular, they can be much more effusive in discussing feelings, not having to worry about being expected to carry through, since they have a built in excuse - they are already married. I'm sure there are other differences, but I experienced all the above as an OW. Some people keep going back to affairs to experience these things. The downside is it usually doesn't lead anywhere (because they are already married) and it involves bringing deception and secrecy into your life and participating in treating another poorly. I'd work on trying to recognize the affair for what it was - an affair and think hard as to whether that is really all you want out of a friend and lover and partner. If you do decide affairs are not for you, you might never experience exactly this again, but you could experience something even better - a true and lasting love that is not hidden. My thoughts exactly ... Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted August 14, 2011 Share Posted August 14, 2011 Thank you for your reply, whichwayisup. I'm sure you're right. It's just so hard because I really felt we had something special. I don't know if I will ever find something like that again. What you said about "something special" is said by pretty much all who choose to be in an affair. So let's see what is special: Sneaking around Getting limited time in person Lying Being hidden Knowing somewhere there is a spouse who is being gaslighted and wondering what the heck is going on. How can the 'something special' be a good thing since it is based on lies, deception, cowardly behavior and infidelity? You WILL find someone who is none of those qualities. So many OW don't really know the "true" person they are sleeping with. They don't know what it is like to have the stress of bills, jobs, kids, home repairs, etc. They get the person on their 'best' behavior. They don't see the person for who they really are. They see the person through rose colored glasses. So after 2 years, he decides to 'work on his marriage'? Bull. Maybe he found another OW? Maybe his guilt got to him. I wonder if he is going to tell his wife what he has been up to for the last 2 years; because if he really wants his marriage to work, he needs to be honest with her about what he has been doing and she should be told she needs an STD check up. You can only go UP from here. Truly. One day you will look back and ask yourself "what the heck was I doing!?" You will realize you sacrificed your dignity, your respect, your self worth all for a guy who was cheating on his wife and feeding you a bunch of baloney. How can you respect any man who chooses cheating over separation/divorce? He took the cowards way instead of an honest way. He betrayed his wife in such a huge way; he betrayed his family, his friends, etc. All because he couldn't be honest. I think you are beginning the best time of your life. Never again settle for someone's 2nd priority. Never again accept crumbs from someone. Demand equality and respect. Demand to be the "ONLY" woman in his life (outside of children/family). Demand to be the ONLY love interest. Grieve, mourn and cry your heart out. Don't hang onto hope that "one day" he will come back. Even if he came back in 3 weeks, he will still be married and you should reject ever again being someone's hidden lover. You deserve so much better than that. Look forward to the new journey in your life. Look forward to being treated with respect and love. Look forward to finding someone deserving of YOU. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
MzBeezy Posted August 15, 2011 Share Posted August 15, 2011 Hi AnnaBelle..... I'm brand new to this site as well. I'm truly sorry to hear that your MM decided to go back to his W and family after 2 years with him. My heart goes out to you. I can't begin to imagine what you must be going through. I wanna say "be strong" but if it were me those words wouldn't mean a whole lot...only time softens the blow.... I've been with my MM for 4 years now and I would be devastated if he decided to call it quits.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Anna-Belle Posted August 15, 2011 Author Share Posted August 15, 2011 Thanks, MzBeezy, it feels good knowing that there are people who understand. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Anna-Belle Posted August 15, 2011 Author Share Posted August 15, 2011 I do hope I will find a love like this yet again in my life, although right now it feels impossible. I know time heals, so I just have to be patient and I believe the pain will wear off. But it's so hard. I miss him so. Link to post Share on other sites
YellowShark Posted August 15, 2011 Share Posted August 15, 2011 I do hope I will find a love like this yet again in my life, although right now it feels impossible. I know time heals, so I just have to be patient and I believe the pain will wear off. But it's so hard. I miss him so. You will find love again. Lots of great men out there. Just give yourself time to heal, and next time pick someone who can love you back 100%, not someone who using you as a plan "B." Ok? Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted August 15, 2011 Share Posted August 15, 2011 You will find love again. Lots of great men out there. Just give yourself time to heal, and next time pick someone who can love you back 100%, not someone who using you as a plan "B." Ok? Good luck. I agree! No relationship is guaranteed to be forever, but having an affair, is putting yourself in a position for that to be even less likely. Goodluck Anna! Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted August 15, 2011 Share Posted August 15, 2011 Hi AnnaBelle..... I'm brand new to this site as well. I'm truly sorry to hear that your MM decided to go back to his W and family after 2 years with him. My heart goes out to you. I can't begin to imagine what you must be going through. I wanna say "be strong" but if it were me those words wouldn't mean a whole lot...only time softens the blow.... I've been with my MM for 4 years now and I would be devastated if he decided to call it quits.... Why are you sorry that the MM went back to his wife and family? Is it because you think it is better for him to still be cheating on his wife and family? Is it because you think the wife deserves this rotten piece of poo? Heck, Anna may do her a favor by letting her know her husband has been cheating on her for 2 years. Hey Anna, why don't you drop the wife a note or call her and let her know so she can make a decision on HER life based on truth! Mz, you two will one day be in the same position as Anna more than likely. 4 years you have spent being a hidden secret mistress. How much longer are you willing to do this? Do you not want a man of your own, a family of your own? Link to post Share on other sites
MzBeezy Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 Thanks, MzBeezy, it feels good knowing that there are people who understand. Boy do I understand....I also know what it feels like to be in a fruitless marriage trying to hold it together for stupid reasons....I too was married when MM and I started...But got tired of trying to fit a round peg inside a square hole....But, all of us are not the same. It takes some of us longer that it does others.... I also know that breaking ties is not easy....If you don't mind my asking, how long has he been married? Are there children involved? And, I don't judge 'cause I'm in the same boat (being the other woman)...And, never thought I'd EVER be in a situation like this. It's so easy for some to cast judgement....And when we are hurting we need serious support not foolish ramlings of those who are probably on the other side (being cheated on) or have been and still angry. I was once there too (cheated on). Foolishly we held up each others lives when we should have faced facts and moved on....... oxoxo to you Anna-Belle Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 I do hope I will find a love like this yet again in my life, although right now it feels impossible. I know time heals, so I just have to be patient and I believe the pain will wear off. But it's so hard. I miss him so. I absolutely promise you time does make a difference. When I was in your shoes it was quite a surreal experience. The loss and confusion... I didn't comprehend what had happened (the facts, yes, the emotions were something else). And also he was such a big part of my life, he knew so much of what was going on with me, more than anyone else in the world, and vice versa. When that stops dead it's very powerful. It's important you can invest yourself elsewhere. New hobbies and pastimes, different ways to spend your time that aren't connected to you and he, and don't trigger memories. And keep at it. Keep on keeping on. He wasn't your whole life, he certainly wasn't the reason for you to live! Sometimes we just need to wiggle our perspective a little and realise that we have much to be appreciated if we only looked in the right direction. I gained comfort from knowing I'd experienced a deep love that I'd never known before, it was something to be celebrated, to realise I could feel that way. Gave me hope I could feel like it again. I'm glad you're being patient. It will pay off, I'm sure Link to post Share on other sites
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