Caught up with two married guys. Do I deserve what I get?

[erzulie]

Here goes one of the most confusing stories ever. A couple of years ago I met a man at work who completely captivated me, and I mean that in any and every sense that you would think a man is capable of doing. There was an instant connection, unlike any I have ever felt, and to be quite honest I don't fall for just any guy, so for me to have this with someone with so much force was something unknown. Yeah here comes the big BUT, he was married. I know this is going to sound weird but I think I had the mentality that something would have been possible even if he wsa married, the thing was that I had such strong feelings for him I could not just settle for being second choice, so I decided to not even go there with him.

 

In these last two years we have become good friends, we have talked about almost everything and have even had our innocent flirting and those deep looks that come with it, but nothing more. Well the thing is he has had issues with his wife and I know what you are thinking that is what they all say, but I know about these issues through a mutual friend of ours, because he has never spoken to me about his marital problems. So in the back of my mind I wished that he could be free, things got so bad that he even separated from her for a while.

 

But like always he is an upcoming doctor, a great person, handsome, sexy, unique, and everything you could want and a woman having a man like that would not easily give up. So she did what many do, she became pregnant. Okay that sounds bad, because she didn't become it alone obviously he had something to do with it, but knowing the person that he is he would not leave her and eventually came the realization that he would work it out and be there for both his baby and his wife, like it should be. Honestly I was crushed because for the first time ever I felt that I could almost grasp something which was the most amazing thing, and then have to let it go.

 

Here comes the twist, remember that mutual friend we have. He is also a great guy, and I mean great, and also married. He is very attractive and we have been friends for three years. Well the thing is one night we went out and had a great time, of course after a few times out we slept together. After that we met a lot, but to be quite honest 90% of the time we would just talk, the physical part was not even that present. He was equally as smart and captivating, it's just that he wasn't him...... It took me a while to actually express to him the magnitude of feelings that I had for his friend and he listened, and I mean truly listened. Well a few months after guy #1's wife got pregnant, guy #2's wife also became pregnant. I know what you are thinking what the hell is my problem do I have any morals, what kind of idiot would do that with a married man whose wife is pregnant with their second child.

 

The thing is I would have to explain my background. I was extremely over weight for a long time. I mean people would always say, "You have a beautiful face," I hated that cause you would think, "So I guess the rest of me sucks." These two guys who are not only incredibly handsome, kind, and smart, were the only two guys who treated me the same when I was overweight and after I lost all of it. When I did loose all the weight I received attention I didn't know what to do with from men, I never went crazy over it and never let it go to my head. But in all honestly my exterior transformation was an extreme one, I got approached about modeling and the attention from men was amazing. Like I said these two guys treated me the same from day one until now and.

 

Okay back to the story #2 has become such a support system for me especially in these last few months, and more than sex, we have become best friends. I know you think this is the most hypocritical thing in the world, but he talks to me about his family we give each other advice. I know what I feel for #1 and what I do with #2 is wrong (well according to society) but to be honest I would never want either of them to be hurt, and not to make myself the martyr I would much rather hurt myself that let them or their loved ones be hurt. Guy #2 has become my best friend, and I know that when his wife gives birth to their child I will pretty much be out of the picture, mainly because we both know this has to end sometime. What's bad is that guy #1 is pretty much moving to another state around the same time, so for me it would be like a double blow(no pun intended).

 

I guess that now even looking the way I do, I fear the same loneliness returning that always accompanied me when I was overweight. Which is alright with me, I can't intend to prolong either of these situations longer. Loving one man so much, more than any other, and needing the other so much. Ironically they are best friends, and guy #2 has never told guy #1 about us. It's the biggest secret I have ever had. In a way I would be devastated if guy #1 found out, because despite his situation, the feeling of knowing that we would and could of had something amazing has always been there for both of us. I know I deserve the loneliness after what I did with #2, or so many of you would think.

 

My point is that I have always known what I was doing was wrong, but I didn't allow myself to thing of the wrong part, and for the first time ever I wanted something so badly I didn't care. Guy #2 is somebody truly special, I know that we will be friends for a long time, but our "closeness" will soon be gone. In the end I wanted #2 to be there for me when #1 left this summer, but in the end I will loose both, and I completely deserve it.

[FolderWife]

soooo, are you looking for sympothy? I'm sorry, you chased after two married men. Two men who's wives are sitting at home trusting their lousy husbands. Two wives who are so in love with their husbands that they give them babies.

 

Then you say, "She went and got pregnant" WTF!?!?! She's his W.I.F.E. What does that spell? The woman he LOVES. The woman he WANTS. The woman he IS GOING TO BE WITH FOREVER. The woman he is HAVING SEX WITH OBVIOUSLY. The woman WHO IS GOING TO MOTHER HIS CHILD!!!

 

What are you? A two time attempted home wrecker.

 

I shouldn't be posting....I'm not sorry for you...you deserve a lot worse than "lonliness" in my book. I think you are really selfish to think you deserve two MARRIED men. I think it was selfish of you to sleep with one of them. I know it takes two to tango, but if you had any morals, you'd have seen he was interested, and then YOU WOULD'VE BACKED OFF.

 

Are you looking for sympothy? What do you want?

 

Ok, here's some sympothy...we all do stupid things. I've been alone before too. You'll be ok.

 

Is that what you want?

 

Sorry, I got angry at you...I just imagine some slut chasing after my husband, and it makes my blood boil. I guess I'm not angry at you..I don't know you...but honestly, what did you expect?

 

How old are you?

[erzulie]

Respect your opinion and I appreciate you even taking the time to reply to my post. Not asking for any sympathy, because if anything I've learned it's that you have choices and what you do from then is your fault or problem. To clarify something I was not "chasing" after any of them and for me to say something like it just happened would be even more ignorant. The truth of the matter is that it started of as something and because of decisions we both made it's something else now. And if you look back I said it would be stupid to say she went and got pregnant because it takes two to tango and as for me being a home wrecker I guess I don't see it like that. I get the whole "SHE IS THE CHOSEN" one in regards as his wife, and to be quite honest I've never wanted to be the "ONE." If I have morals? I know this is weird, but what are morals, is it what you or society dictates, I don't know, it would be stupid to say that I do and to be quite honest pointless, but I guess the only thing I can say is that I have feelings. As for the slut part, yes I understand how it could anger you if there was a slut after your husband.

 

Oh yeah, I'm 22.

[befuddled11]

Yes, you do deserve the loneliness. Not only have you been a mistress to 2 separate married men, but these married men are best friends....and you've been cheating on THEM to boot.

 

The fact that you *were* overweight for a long time, in the past..is irrelevant here. If you're trying to justify your attemped homewrecking behaviors by somehow attributing it to your lack of self esteem back when you were overweight, it isn't going to fly. It's a sorely pathetic attempt at justifying the skankiness of it all.

 

You should seriously consider getting professional help.......because there's something very fundamental that's lacking in your morals ....that would cause you to go screwing around with married men......married men who are scumbags to carry on like this, when they're about to become fathers.

 

Sorry, but it's women like you that give women in general a bad name.

 

I have no sympathy for your situation or plight. You got yourself into this mess, find a way to get out of it. And may God "wise up" the wives of these 2 pigs.....so that they can find out the truth about their so-called husbands....so that they can take them to the cleaners before kicking their filthy arses to the curb. These women probably helped to put them through medical school, and made all kinds of sacrifices to help their husbands succeed. Shame on the whole lot of you.

[FolderWife]

Ok, if you are only 22, then it's more understandable.

 

Listen to this from my judgemental mouth:

 

I was...mmmmm...19. I met this guy right after my boyfriend dumped me. He sent me roses to make me feel better. He started calling to "check on me" He tells me he just got out of a relationship.

 

A week later, he confesses that he has a girlfriend. We decide to just stay friends. Our friendship grows. He says he's going to dump his girlfriend. He does. We hook up for a week, then he takes her back. It's hard to "just be friends" when you've already crossed the "friends" line. We end up dating behind her back...with all his promises he's going to break up with her "at the right time"

 

A month later, I find out that he's actually ENGAGED to her, and that she's already got a dress and everything! He still says he's going to dump her. I keep waiting, and getting strung along. Finally, one day, he says his mom bought a dress for the wedding. I look him in the eye, and say, "You are going to marry her, aren't you." he says, "I can't let down my mom..."

 

That was it. From then on, it was over in my eyes.

 

I was the other woman for 3 months. I didn't go into it with my eyes wide open though. I didn't know he was going to do the things he did...I fully intended for him to leave her in the dust.

 

Oh well, lesson learned. I'm better for it though. I don't think I would go after a married man, but not because I'm "Moral" more because I'm well aware that married men usually don't leave their wives.

 

I want to apologize for my other post. I wrote it strictly from a wife's perspective, and not from the "other woman's" perspective.

 

You are only 22, and apparently beautiful...you'll bounce back. This time, though, just remember how married men don't leave their wives, and go after a single one

 

Actually, be happy that they are leaving, and thus making the decision for you. Now, you don't have to wrestle with whether or not to dump them.....you don't have a choice.

 

As for the "best friend with benifits" guy #2 is...I've been there. My aforementioned love affair was my best best friend. I really loved him. I was IN LOVE with my ex boyfriend, but I had so much chemistry and love for the taken guy too.

 

But, as soon as I ditched the guy with a girl, I found my husband we've been married a year now I talked to the taken guy about 2 months ago via instant messaging, and he's going through a divorce...final in June.

 

*sigh* he keeps saying he wishes he'd dumped her, so he could be with me, but I toldhim that I'm actually glad that he didn't, because then I wouldn't have the life I have now.

 

I have a husband, a dog, and we are looking to buy a house So hang in there....once they are out of your life, you'll be suprised how things start to look different...in a good way

[supermom]

Maybe you should explain to the wife whoms hubby your f*^ckng to feel sorry for you because you were overweight. You know, I am not trying to judge you, but when I was pregnant my husband cheated on me and all I wanted to do was beat the OW up and my husband.

 

Fortunately we worked it out, but you are ruining the poor child's chance of having a normal family life. WALK OUT now and if you dont....SHAME ON YOU!!!!!!!!

 

 

THINK OF THE CHILD AND WIFE INSTEAD AND PUT YOURSELF IN THEIR SHOES.

[erzulie]

Befuddled I am not using the overweight part as a way to justify anything it's just part of my devlopment with these men. I have never stated that I have done anything with man #1, it is strictly platonic. I repeat I am not asking for sympathy. I totally respect your opinion, it's just that I wonder what morals I am lacking, why does society say this is wrong???

I am not even trying to wreck their homes, I know that I am "the other woman," and I am alright with that I have never wanted anything more from guy#2 and don't expect it. The worst thing that would happen is for him to leave his wife, I don't want him to. I know what and who I am to him.

[meanon]

Loss of a loved one is hard I know. Still your fear of being alone is not healthy and has been a problem for you in the past. I suspect that maybe you do not like yourself very much, that it used to be your appearance that upset you but that you now realise you may feel the same way about yourself when you are alone again.

 

This low self esteem has led to a poverty of expectation. When you couldn't have the man you loved, why did you settle for a relationship with someone who could give you so little? Was it that you felt it was all you deserved?

 

If you think you have this problem, please do use this time alone to sort it out. It's one which can be very easily treated with a brief spell of therapy. There are some really good self help books on the market too. You deserve a relationship with someone who can share all of your life, someone who will put you first. there's no reason why you can't achieve this. Good luck.

[gaia]

I'm glad meanon was a little kinder. If I read the post correctly, erzulie did NOT actually have any kind of relationship with #1, despite the obviously very strong attraction. She didn't start anything because he was married. Ok, #2 was a messup, but who's perfect? The fact is that she posted here for advice and has been very honest in taking responsibility for what she's done.

 

I'm sure the weight is relevant, in that it has contributed to poor self esteem over the years. Just because you changed the outside appearance doesn't mean that all the psychological stuff instantly falls back into place. It needs some work.

 

Good luck.

[Bobbie]

I'm not going to be judgemental. I wouldn't go with someone else's partner myself- and have occasionally regretted it to be honest, but only fleetingly. Affairs have a tendency to get very ugly and to affect not just those involved but to change other friendships around you.

 

I do know that if you continue to be in relationships where the other person is basically using you to fill gaps in their real life, you won't build the life or the self-esteem you need.

 

As you've found- that doesn't come from how you look, or whether you can get hot guys.

 

It comes from making a good happy life for yourself and being able to be alone and still love yourself, being able to accept life and still take care of yourself.

 

Any joy you get from these relationships is going to be transient, short-lived. And if things get ugly and public, will it all have been worth it?

 

Once you learn to love yourself and be alone and content with yourself loneliness isn't the big monster it once seemed, and you're no longer making huge relationship compromises out of neediness.

 

You've lost weight now the emotional baggage needs some work maybe?

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by erzulie

it's just that I wonder what morals I am lacking, why does society say this is wrong???

 

At 22 years of age, an adult, if you seriously have to ask this question, then it would really be pointless of me to try and answer it. It's not something a person needs to get the answer to.....this knowledge comes from within, from their conscience, from their sense of right and wrong, from having respect for someone else's marriage and family.

[erzulie]

Okay I guess I left out some details. I told you this was confusing. Guy#2 is more than anything a friend and a few months ago we got married. Yes I said married, he is from another country and needed his us citizenship so we made a "business deal" and got married. So it is not so easy to distance myself from him because I know that we will have to stay married for a while. What's going to make this even weirder is that his wife was in the wedding party and I know her and their child. So there is that factor, which does not allow me to completely cut ties with him.

Yesterday guy#1 confronted me about guy#2 and asked me if it was true, to which I said it was really none of his business. Well he went off on me which I thought was crazy because who is he to judge. I mean this is a guy that for almost three years contributed to the intense platonic relationship that we have and now he's mad at me.

Confused, and deserve whatever else is coming, keep it coming.

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by erzulie

Okay I guess I left out some details. I told you this was confusing. Guy#2 is more than anything a friend and a few months ago we got married. Yes I said married, he is from another country and needed his us citizenship so we made a "business deal" and got married. So it is not so easy to distance myself from him because I know that we will have to stay married for a while. What's going to make this even weirder is that his wife was in the wedding party and I know her and their child. So there is that factor, which does not allow me to completely cut ties with him

 

You know, you're really just completely wasting the time and efforts of people responding to you, if you don't bother to include the obviously pertinent details.

 

Obviously the fact that you're MARRIED to Guy#2 is pretty damn significant. Duh.

Did you just forget to tell us this tidbit?

 

How can you be married to him, and him have a wife? So he's married to BOTH of you? Are you aware that bigamy is against the law? And his WIFE was in the wedding party? You all sound totally f*cked up, with no respect for marriage, fidelity or the law.

 

Are you aware that it's a criminal offense to marry someone JUST to help them stay in a particular country?

 

This goes way beyond Jerry Springer. I don't even know what to write, it's all so screwed up.

[erzulie]

Yes under the law I am his wife, and they got a divorce in his country so that he could marry me. But technically I am the other woman, because she lives with him and they maintain that they are married. Of course I know it is against the law but I also know that he has a family and a situation in his country that would make it disastrous if he went back, and as friends that we are I offered to do him the favor. We have been very careful and maintained under the law that we are married, and if you want to get technical I do have feelings for him so it's not like the entire marriage is a lie. LOL, okay I know this is crazy.

I didn't consider this pertinent as far as the married man thing, because he is not mine despite what the law says. I respect that you your opinions about marriage and perhaps yes I don't have any respect for marriage or the law. What I do have is a great sentiment for them, and yes I mean their family, I would never do anything to hurt them, and for him to be deported now, would be horrible for his wife and child, so yes if you want to label me a F*cking idiot then I will accept that. I am not a martyr and I am not asking for sympathy, like I said I am not complaining about anything that I will get or be getting in the future as far as that whole pay back's a bitch thing is considered.

All I wanted to do was express that yes I am the other woman, I would NEVER want him to leave his wife for me, and believe it or not I would a million times hurt myself before I hurt him or his loved ones. I know quite well what I have gotten myself in and will stand the repercussions. I am not doing anybody a favor and he is not doing me a favor. The once every two months that we are together is an amazing time that stays as just that, an amazing time.

[meanon]

You say that the relationship will end soon as his "wife" is pregnant yet it sounds as though it will continue for at least a few months - which is it?

 

I think you need some legal advice, can you obtain this without running the risk of prosecution?

 

The advice you have been given still stands, you need to get this man out of your life. Maybe you can't sever all ties but you need to do everything you can to put as much distance between you as possible. If you need to stay close for a few months, have as little to do with him as possible and start actively planning your new life.

 

I'm not surprised guy #1 is mad at you - he probably thinks you have messed up your life. You get an amazing time every two months and presumable some money. You lose companionship, love, the opportunity to meet someone new who could make you happy and you run the risk of prosecution. I can't tell if you are completely mercenary or whether you expect so little of life that you really think you are getting a good deal out of this and that this is the nearest you can come to being happy. If it is the latter then do something about it now or you will continue to be a willing victim all your life.

[FolderWife]

 

 

 

 

So you had sex with your husband, who is having a baby with his ex-wife? You claim that YOU are the other woman?

 

Ok, no more advice from me on this one! This is too messed up...