Is this still love?

[Joy-ful]

I met my husband about 7 1/2 years ago.

We kind of "clicked" instantly, but he was married at the time.

He was in the military and while he was deployed in iraq, his wife had left him.

He was very hurt and sad when he came back and thats around the time we met.

We hung out alot and rapidly developed feelings for each other.

We decided to stay together. We had to proove ourself in the military, because of course he got caught for adultry, but we got away with it.

He had 2 children at the time already.

When we started dating, we basically went through his divorce together which really wasnt easy at all. We argued alot because we were both under constant pressure and couldnt really enjoy the time we had together.

But yet, I still felt the love, the butterflies, everything! I felt like he was the best thing that could ever happen to me.

Anyways.....after about 6 months i got pregnant, even though I was taking birth control pills. We got married when our son was about 6 months old.

I still felt the love then, but still we never really had time for just ourselves and just concentrate on us.

I didnt have a job around that time. He was out of the military but still working for them. (Just want to mention that we are in germany, i am a german and he is american.)

Time was rough after our son was born because I suffered from after birth depressions, panic attacks etc. (it was really bad) And even though it was really frustrating for the both of us, we still stayed together.

(I also have to mention that I never knew myself like that....I have always been a very outgoing, happy, faithful, dedicated, harmony loving person).

We also knew the first year after a child is born is going to be rough, because of all the changes that take place. So we just figured its normal.

I didnt feel loved anymore and alot of things happend, alot of arguments came up. Then I cheated on him.....right after that had happened I ran home and told him about it. I hated myself for getting this far with another person....again I never thought I would be capable of doing such a thing.

He forgave me and kind of never talked about it again.

One year later I got pregnant again, even though I was on birthcontrol again (what do you call it? loop?).......after our second baby was born he lost his job with the military because all the posts closed around the area we live in.

He had started working on his degree at this time. (online college)

 

He always told me until this day, that he learned alot from me in our marriage, because alot of times he didnt know how to do certain things and i had to fight fro help around the house and help with the kids etc.

One of the good things about him is, that when you talk to him about something you dont like and you want change, he makes that change immediately......well, he tries as good as he can.

But then again it doesnt feel like its coming from his heart, because I had told him to do so. To him its a loose-loose situation.

 

Anyways, after we had our second child, he got a vasectomy done. and 1 year later I was pregnant again....we ran some tests and found out, the vasectomy wasnt done right. We still decided to keep the baby of course but again, it was a very hard time for us.

 

I had several times where i wanted to give up on everything.....I was still having issues until this day with depression and anxiety attacks etc.

I am seeing a therapist now.

 

Last year, we had a very bad argument and his family members arranged to get a ticket for him to come to the states.....he just up and left me immediately. He didnt even tell me where he was going.....but I found out after a few days.

When he was gone I missed him like crazy.....but I was soooo mad, I was in rage!!! For two weeks....This was really the most horrible time in my life because I was mentally not well at all, which also effected me physically and alone with 3 kids.....for 2 weeks....Yes I had a little bit help from my mother but she is one of the reasons I am seeing a psychiatrist, so it wasnt really help....she just came and picked up the kids a for a few hours.

Not knowing if he was gonna come back to germany and what would happen with us....I got so scared, to be by myself for the rest of my life and I fought for him to come back and got a ticket for him to come back.

At the time I wasnt 100% sure why I was doing that, because we have NEVER spent any time apart....I wasnt used to it at all.

Him being away just put a major scar in our marriage and I cant forget about it. Until this day I cannot show him love like I want to.....first of all because he isnt showing it like that and second of all, because I am not sure if the love is there.

I know I really care about him. I dont want to loose him in my life.

He is my best friend and my soulmate and the father of my kids.....which is also something I do not want to ruin.

My problem is to figure out, for years now.....whether I love him or not.

Is it really love, or is it more like a best friend type thing. We are not being intimate much either.

Is it that I just dont want to be alone and manage things by myself or is it normal that after almost 7 years of marriage I cant feel the butterflies anymore?!

I miss being in love so much, that I am being very sensitive about meeting other guys and flirting. I caught myself a few times picturing how it would be being with somebody else and it just feels so wrong.

I dont know what to do.........maybe you have felt like this before?!

[xxoo]

You have been through a lot of challenges together, and haven't always managed them well. Especially him leaving for two weeks--was that ever fully resolved? Did you get through all of those emotions together....the reasons he left, and how it affected you?

 

Butterflies at the beginning are easy. Butterflies after a few years and a few kids is a lot more difficult, but possible. Personally, I feel the strongest rush of love for my husband (together 20 years, with kids) when I open my heart to him in a moment of vulnerability, and he responds with understanding. When it is obvious that he "gets" me, and he loves me as I am. That level of intimacy brings out the butterflies, and the love hormones.

 

Speaking generally, men feel those love hormones with sex. If you are not having sex very often, he may feel less in love with you. If you are not connecting emotionally, you may feel less in love with him. The challenge is to get closer--more intimately connected. It takes trust and courage and work. If you can manage it, it is well worth it!