husband left me after a happy 14yrs of being married

[babyblue894]

after being happily married for 14 and a half years, 3 children aged 14, 11, and 10. Our relationship was always good we werent only a close couple but was also bestfreinds we had been through so much together. He is nearly 33 and iam 32. when ever we was apart ( example if i was at work or if he was out fishing with his dad even if he was only gone for a few hours he would always phone me a few times just to say hello and check if i was ok. we moved into a perfect house and area for us and our children in august 2002. I had a daytime job from june 2003 and he started working nights from march 2003. We had to do it this way to fit in with the kids as there was no one to help out. We put into buy our house and got a morgage which we started paying end of december 2003. We booked a big holiday which was my husbands idea for august this year. We also had a big loan for a car and a bit left to do our house which was a joint decision, which we propley talked out between ourselfs.( we did not have any money problems at all and could afford everything we took on)

I noticed about 3 months before this he was becoming distance not very talkative i kept asking him if he was alright and if he fell out of love with me but he said he had nt and not to be silly. I asked him this on several occasions

and he said the same thing and said he was only tired. ( i put this dont to his job) The begining of january this year, i came home after work my husband was lying on the settee pretened to be asleep my sister came he got of the settee so they could sit down. They left after a short time and i told him when he got home after hes night shift i wanted to know the real reason he was being like this. (by this time he was lying back down on the settee) he then told me he didnt love me anymore he didnt know why. He said he tryed to get his love back but couldnt. He said he had been looking in the paper for a flat that day and was gonna confess all to me the next day but beings i bought it up he told me then. He said there was nobody else and i thought this was true

as he was always in weekends with me and left for work and always came back the proper time which he also pointed out. I asked why go through with the morgage, holiday and big loan and he said cos he thought it would bring us closer together.

He left the next day. Two weeks later he got my oldest son to ring me at work to see if i would talk to him which i did. He told me he was moving to coventry ( i live in the westmidlands) i asked him why he said a woman was putting him up,he said he was fond of her i asked him if he had slept with her and he said yes. He told me nothing had gone on while we was together. He told the kids before he told me the kids was already confused as he had left me and because we was so close and they didnt notice anything was wrong.

a week after that he took this woman to his moms house who lives down the road from me, then he played up to take the kids to her house which i did let him because he kept going on.

It has now been 3 and a half months since he left we havnt seen each other i dont think my heart could take it as im going through a hard time. The woman he is with now has got 3 kids off 3 diffrent men aged 12, 5, and 10 months old. I know the baby isnt his because the baby is quarter cast. The woman he is with is aged 37 and a woman like that he would call names, apparently she is not the kind of woman he would go for in personalty and everything. the kids say he looks unhappy and they dont think the relationship will last. He told the kids he is not getting much sleep the kids said he dresses diffrent and hes very quiet. He is always asking about me like whot am i doing and if im ok. I have started divorce proceedings and the first petition papers he recived he rang up the house on the way to work my freind answered he sounded uncomfortable and asked to speak to one of our kids. My daughter spoke to him he asked her to give me a letter which she did and it was the completed divorce papers he wrote a note asking me to check if he had filled them in correct and to post them on. He has the kids one day a week on a saturday takes them out with him and hes new girlfreind. He told our daughter six weeks ago that he was pissed off with his new woman and with her 5 year old son he said hes really naughty and he wasnt going to be with her for much longer but he still is. hes mom rang me last saturday and after a brief conversation she asked if i was going through with the divorce and that she didnt think this woman was hes type. At the end of this conversation she asked if i would ever have him back i told her i was still going through with the divorce and i didnt know if i would have him back as alot has gone on. i couldnt answer that question untill i was in that situation i wouldnt know. but i said i would be there for him if ever he was in trouble. the next day i spoke to her again and again in conversation she told me she was worried about him. i was furious and said why incase she dumped him and he has no where to go she said something about people make mistakes but i was too angry to take it in i dont remeber how the conversation ended. i know my husband wouldnt confide in hes mom the only person he used to convide in was me. I just think hes mom would like us to get back together as we was good together. Nobody knows where this woman has come from the whole thing is a mistery all our freinds and familey said we was good together and could not belive it. He doesnt ring the kids they just go down his moms and he picks them up from there every saturday. Every thing he has done is totally out of character im not ready for answers at the moment from him, as far as him and hes mom knows im doing ok but im not really.

Its saturday again today hes got the kids at the momment i fell very anxious i dont feel good and very nervous. I would like to hear from people who are going through or have gone through similar situations. thanxs

[angel77]

[color=blue][/color] HI MY NAMES LISA I'M 42 AND I READ YOUR STORY AND WOULD LIKE TO TELL YOU ABOUT MINE. I got married when i was 21 to the man of my dreams. We meet when we was 18 we meet at a place we both worked. Everything was great at the time of us getting married we didn't have any children. After being married for 2 years i feel pregnant with our daughter. I left the job i was in to look after her and do things thats moms do. We found it hard for me to be able to get pregnant but it happened in the end. During the time of trying to get pregnant it was very stress-full for both of us but we loved each other that much that our rows was nothing and we would of forgot about them in a hour.

 

I didn't expect our life to ever change.When my daughter started school with extra time on my hands i decided to go back to work as i felt useless doing nothing at home. Everything in our life's was perfect we both had jobs we liked a daughter we always wanted nothing could have been better. When my daughter was 7 my husband got a promotion at work. We spent many hours talking through it as it meant he would have to work longer hours and sometimes even work away from home. We decided to go for it. As months pasted i felt lonely and not loved. I felt it was all work and no play. I thought our love had been lost so after thinking long and hard one day i left him. I told him a married had grown old and the love had gone. I didn't tell him to he's face i just left him a letter for when he got home from his trip.

To cut a long story short after a few months i totally regretted all of it. OK i had got a free life went out whenever i wanted to had a few other guys in my life but i had no love from or for anyone else , my marriage was in tatters and i relised that i really did still love him very much. thoughts round and round in my head. some days i thought ill call him tell him I'm sorry but i broke he's heart there's no way he would take me back. even if i thought he would there's no-way i can explain what i did. i had made a mistake and i was paying for it. along time has gone by and many guys have been in and out of my life. i always knew my husband would of taken me back but i couldn't bring myself to tell him i was wrong. I'm still very sad and hurt as i know know that the love always was there i just didn't see it. My husband now has a new partner he's moved on and he's moved away with her. before he left he phoned me to tell me he was moving away as he had a new partner now and she was pregnant with he's child. I was gobbed smacked he said he was moving away as he felt like he had been given a second chance and didn't want things to go wrong. I felt sick but all of this was my fault. He told me that he wanted to move away knowing we was on good terms he told me it took him a long time to get over me and that even now he still thinks about me he said he still did love me but he respected the decision i had made he wished me good luck and goodbye and that was the last time i ever spoke to him. He's still in contact with my daughter but she's older now and has a little life of her own. don't know if any of my story is helpful to you but hope it helps and good luck in all that you do Lisa xoxo

[amerikajin]

>>>Every thing he has done is totally out of character im not ready for answers at the moment from him, as far as him and hes mom knows im doing ok but im not really. <<<

 

Normally I'd be telling you to kick his butt out the door, but I don't know...for some reason it sounds like this guy just went completely off the deep end -- not that it makes the affair (and that's what this is, by the way) any easier to handle or any more "right" than it would be otherwise.

 

One possible explanation is that your husband may be suffering from a bout of severe depression. I don't know you but you seem like someone who has a good read on your husband's state of mind. You were able to sense that something wasn't quite right almost as soon as he started acting funny, which tells me that during the time when you didn't sense problems, everything was probably okay between you two. You were married, had children, were making plans for the future....then, as you sense something's out or sorts, he begins to change dramatically and abandons not only you but his own kids.

 

Whatever his problems are, you're his wife, not his savior. Unfortunately, you're also left with the job of being the sole parent since he's apparently not up to the job himself. I think you start by putting your kids first, yourself second, him a distant third and go from there. Do what you feel is going to be best for everyone involved. Divorce may be the answer, and it may not be. That's something you have to get a feel for after you've thought this through.

[babyblue894]

Dear lisa

thankyou for replying i carnt tell you how much its helped me. I dont know what you are exactally trying to tell me but ive got a rough idea. Im going through hell at the moment having up and down days, more down than up. I just hope that it is a mistake he has made and not that what he said is true. what i really want and i know it sounds cruel but i want him to feel as bad as ive been and still are most days if not for him to feel worse. I havnt seen him only briefly spoke to him when i answered the phone as he was replying to my sons phone call on a day he had to pick them up. nothing was really said. How long did it take you to realize you made a mistake? and did you do deliberate little things to hurt your husband after you left. for example ( my husband took hes new girlf to hes moms house and hes mom lives in the same street as me) little things like that that all add up.

 

Im so sorry things didnt work out for you its really sad i hope things lookup for you in the future. even though your husband is with somebody else and even though shes having a baby im sure that you would always be the one that he did truely love and always will be in his heart. Whots happened with my husband and myself he proberley did stop loving me he reconned he stayed in the marraige for the sake of it but he must of been a bloody good actor. I thought i knew my husband and i obviously didnt. It hurts like hell but ive gotto expect it. thanks again i would look forward to hearing from you again.you have helped. by the way my names teresa and im 32 years old married at 17 and a half. bye for now teresa xx

[babyblue894]

dear amerikajin

thanxs for replying it means alot and i was really suprised to get a response like that from a man.

ive gone through everything you have said a thousand times before u even said it. I would like to think this was true and the reason for what hes done but the truth is he could of meant exactly what he said and this new life of his is what he really wants. I dont know who my husband is anymore im getting the impression hes not 100 percent happy. he always asks about me, where im going. Since i last wrote my message my husband when he saw our kids on saturday he said he was sorry for not getting in contact with them and the reason was because he spends most times in bed and when not in bed hes very tired he told the kids he only got 2 hours sleep the night before but me saying that he does work nights it was 9 till 2 and since hes left me he now works 9pm untill 5 in the morning ( which he choose to do his self ) because i think he needs the money to pay off hes car, insurance etc.. When we was together we had his and my wages which we combind i sorted out all the bills etc and we both had a bit of money for ourselfs he was not short of money. Hes mom must of told him he was upsetting the kids by not contacting them in the week as i told her and she rang me the week before. Im going through with the divorce for my own peaCE of mind i dont know if that makes sense to you.

my husband knows if he needs me was in any trouble i would be there for him. i havnt told him this but i told hes mom when she asked if ever would have him back. which i explained about that in my first post.I think if he had any regrets or wasnt happy im sure he would of contacted me by phone at home or work as before things started 2 go bad he would ring me 2 or 3 times a day to see how i was doing while working or by text message or letter through hes mom or the kids or any other member of my famiely he was close to. My sisters was like hes sisters my dad was like hes dad and also our best freinds. eveyone we know cannot belive whots happened and cannot make sense of it.

I suppose its just one of those things thats happened and its happened to me and if someone would of told me this 12months ago i would of laughed at them. anyway thanxs for your reply. teresa

[amerikajin]

>>>and the reason was because he spends most times in bed and when not in bed hes very tired he told the kids he only got 2 hours sleep the night before but me saying that he does work nights it was 9 till 2 and since hes left me he now works 9pm untill 5 in the morning ( which he choose to do his self ) because i think he needs the money to pay off hes car, insurance etc..<<<

 

If he's spending his spare time in bed then there's something wrong with him. Sometimes people with depression start exhibiting odd behavioral patterns, such as emotional detachment (lack of interest in everyone and everything around them) and they are chronically fatigued. He might need professional help. At the very least, maybe working the night shift isn't such a good thing for him.