The Affair Boat

[dreamingoftigers]

There have been a couple of threads lately that kind of got me thinking.

 

We all (well some of us anyways) that affairs come with ruinous consequences (destruction if family, devastation for the betrayed spouse etc.). There seems to be this notion that somehow an affair can "fill in the blanks." Like one guy said his wife isn't very passionate and wants to seek that somewhere else because she won't do anything about it.

 

Has anyone ever actually managed to a) find a partner that suited those needs b) not grow too overly attached to them c) keep your marriage stable d) not have your affair partner "out" you d) not get caught e) not feel like a total ******* e) somehow make this all work without it blowing up in your face?

 

It seems to me that getting caught or destabilizing the marriage is unavoidable. And even if you get your gold standard affair, what then? Are you truly happy in having some things met with that OW (OM) and others met at home?

 

The mechanics alone seem stressful. Thoughts?

[Buck Turgidson]

Points © through (f) are immediately addressable by simply being open and honest with one's spouse and negotiating a hall pass, so that there is no betrayal in the first place.

[giotto]

I think people who have affairs want - subconsciously - ruin and destroy their marriage... it's s*** anyway... that's why they are having an affair...

[StoneCold]

We all (well some of us anyways) that affairs come with ruinous consequences (destruction if family, devastation for the betrayed spouse etc.). There seems to be this notion that somehow an affair can "fill in the blanks." Like one guy said his wife isn't very passionate and wants to seek that somewhere else because she won't do anything about it.

 

 

Affairs can have ruinous consequences in some cases but not all..... it depends on the back story and the people involved. Its hard to ruin something thats already been ruined.

 

An affair can address certain needs, yes of course. But I dont think anybody who has an affair sees it as a "fix"/solution for their garbage marriage...thats a whole other issue. When someone has an affair its for them and them only

 

Has anyone ever actually managed to a) find a partner that suited those needs b) not grow too overly attached to them c) keep your marriage stable d) not have your affair partner "out" you d) not get caught e) not feel like a total ******* e) somehow make this all work without it blowing up in your face??

 

Speaking for myself and a few good friends of mine...

 

a)Yes

b)Yes

c) if by stable you mean no erroneous changes.....then yes

d)Yes

e)Yes

f)Yes

 

Its a fine line to walk but if you

 

a) know why you do what you do and are ok with it; and..

b) Adhere to your own self imposed rules

 

...you should be ok. Oh and if your "affair" is for anything more than just sex you are at risk.

 

 

 

It seems to me that getting caught or destabilizing the marriage is unavoidable. And even if you get your gold standard affair, what then? Are you truly happy in having some things met with that OW (OM) and others met at home?

 

The mechanics alone seem stressful. Thoughts?

 

Getting caught is unavoidable?...only if feelings are involved because people tend to get sloppy when they have stars in their eyes.

 

Stressful? ... It can be. But just like anything else its a trade-off. Do you think the stress is worth it? depending on many things a particular intance might or might not be.

Edited August 15, 2011 by StoneCold

[Owl]

SC, this raises a good couple of questions to me.

 

Do you believe that you'll never get caught by your wife?

 

Do you believe that there would be any repercussions (or not) if you were caught by her?

 

Do you have any kind of plan of action to take IF you get caught, or a plan to defuse any suspiscion that might arise?

[dreamingoftigers]

I think it starts to unravel when people don't realize how close they sleep to their husband/wife everynight and they start to pick up on subtle changes which gets them watched more often.

 

In my case though I did not suspect my husband one iota until outside circumstances filtered in (he was arrested and everything kind of came out in the wash).

 

So basically one would have to think of the marriage as over and the om/ow just for sex

 

But..... If the marriage is over that leaves you pretty vulnerable to relational feelings. I suspect that this is more of a female thing.

 

So having a "successful" affair requires a lot of compartmentalization? Seems like it might actually be less hassle in the long run to leave.

 

Thanks for the candid responses.

 

I guess that that begs another question: why not leave?

[StoneCold]

Do you believe that you'll never get caught by your wife?

 

Never say never

 

Do you believe that there would be any repercussions (or not) if you were caught by her?

 

In my situation....its hard to say either way.

 

Do you have any kind of plan of action to take IF you get caught, or a plan to defuse any suspiscion that might arise?

 

Well this one question is really two different questions..

 

a) If I get caught I will take responsibility for my choice to be unfaithful. But I will not take full responsibility for the destruction of the marriage....partial? yes...full? no way

 

b) A plan to defuse suspicion? Well I dont know if its a "plan" per se.... I just dont act out of the ordinary at home which is easy because interraction is very limited and she cares not to talk about things outside of the direct running of the household/kids.

[StoneCold]

I guess that that begs another question: why not leave?

 

...in time.

 

Its not something you just up and do one day. Especially if you have kids. This is not to say that having kids means you cant leave but you do have to put some thought into it.

 

Leaving is a process....

 

needs are now

Edited August 15, 2011 by StoneCold

[Owl]

So...this begs the question...where are you at in the "process" of leaving?

 

Have you told your wife that you're "in the process" of leaving, so that she can also go through the "process"...or are you going to go through a "process" and she's going to get it cold turkey after you've completed your process?

[StoneCold]

So...this begs the question...where are you at in the "process" of leaving?

 

Where am I? I dont know if I could tell you where exaclty I am. I just am.

 

Have you told your wife that you're "in the process" of leaving, so that she can also go through the "process"...or are you going to go through a "process" and she's going to get it cold turkey after you've completed your process?

 

Nope didnt tell her.....at the point where I stopped discussing things with her... you can think what you will about that but you'll not change my opinion because frankly Owl...I could give a rats ass about "fairness" at this point in the game.

 

Plus I'd bet the farm that shes in the throws of her own process right at this very moment as she knows there is a massive problem and I know shes not happy with things as well.

Edited August 15, 2011 by StoneCold

[dreamingoftigers]

Um, this sounds exactly like the typical affair then.

 

And she is going to get blindsided....

 

So, um, are you sleeping with both then?

[StoneCold]

Um, this sounds exactly like the typical affair then.

 

And she is going to get blindsided....

 

So, um, are you sleeping with both then?

 

 

Um... I'm not quite so sure she will be blindsided

 

Sleeping with both? LMAO...hehehehhe.

 

I'll tell ya who I'm not sleeping with......for the longest time.....

 

It starts the a "W" and ends in a "e"

[dreamingoftigers]

Wayne?

 

10 chars

[Owl]

Where am I? I dont know if I could tell you where exaclty I am. I just am.

 

 

 

Nope didnt tell her.....at the point where I stopped discussing things with her... you can think what you will about that but you'll not change my opinion because frankly Owl...I could give a rats ass about "fairness" at this point in the game.

 

Plus I'd bet the farm that shes in the throws of her own process right at this very moment as she knows there is a massive problem and I know shes not happy with things as well.

 

I had no expectation that I'd change your view...you've already made it clear to others far more determined to push an agenda than I am.

 

Was some honest curiosity as to whether or not you had any expectations of fairness in all of this.

 

You've answered my questions...thank you.

[dreamingoftigers]

Wade?

 

Dammit I give up

[StoneCold]

You've answered my questions...thank you.

You are welcome

[dreamingoftigers]

My bet is that she actually would be blindsided.

 

I am guessing that you think she won't be because of "the way she has acted." however that may be. I am not attacking in any way. I had questions, you had answers. Thank you.

 

But the funny thing is in those situations the BS often doesn't think that they are out of line. Or they think that you are out of line. Or they damn well know that they are out of line but think that you accept that and therefore in their eyes you are actually really tolerant or a really nice guy.

 

She'll be blindsided. The vast vast majority of spouses with suspicions can't keep them to themselves.

 

It's a lot different then "it's not fair."

She probably has very little idea that you resent her so much.

[StoneCold]

My bet is that she actually would be blindsided.

 

I am guessing that you think she won't be because of "the way she has acted." however that may be. I am not attacking in any way. I had questions, you had answers. Thank you.

 

But the funny thing is in those situations the BS often doesn't think that they are out of line. Or they think that you are out of line. Or they damn well know that they are out of line but think that you accept that and therefore in their eyes you are actually really tolerant or a really nice guy.

 

She'll be blindsided. The vast vast majority of spouses with suspicions can't keep them to themselves.

 

It's a lot different then "it's not fair."

She probably has very little idea that you resent her so much.

 

Well DOT... what you say could be possible ...sure.

 

But I'm going to bet that she wont be blindsided.

 

You choose to sexually neglect your high sex drive husband to the point where you'd be having sex once a year if that....He brought his concens up to you many times until one day he stopped because it you always blew him off anyways....

 

You'd have to be the dumbest individual on the face of the earth to not see what likely comes next...and dumb is something my wife is certainly not; shes actually quite sharp and observant and thus I wouldnt even be surprised if she actually knew.

 

But odder things have happened

[dreamingoftigers]

That is really close to my situation and I actually think he would be blindsided even though I have let him know about my extreme frustrations and gave talked possibilities.

 

I think that he thinks I would never, and he's right.

 

That's why I am working in exiting stage left as well. He hasn't cared and I don't expect him to start caring overnight. But I have also been applying 180 principles into my marriage and he has calmed down considerably. Weird....

[StoneCold]

That is really close to my situation and I actually think he would be blindsided even though I have let him know about my extreme frustrations and gave talked possibilities.

 

I think that he thinks I would never, and he's right.....

 

OK so your H would be blindsided...but only because you know he knows you well and as a result he knows you wouldnt do it.....and hes right...right?

 

Well my wife knows me well too....not that she knows me to cheat per se but she does know that when dealt a raw deal...or in dicey situations...the gloves come off with me and I can be very unpredictable

[dreamingoftigers]

Truth be told, anyone else on the planet should have expected me to cheat or leave by now. And I haven't left yet. I think that he thinks I wouldn't do it for some really dumb reason like, God I have no idea.

 

I find he usually attributes very negative motivations to me to absolve him of his responsibility.

 

I think he would be blindsided because he does expect better from me yes. I don't think he really has the right anymore to expect better from me. He was really upset by my close encounter in Feb. He told me things like "I was now very untrustworthy." but really we were separated and that certainly didn't hold him back in away way, shape or form. After that he just accepted it as an abberation and was okay with it. I mean really, what could he say, " I cheat a lot but you almost did once, you bitch."

 

Oddly enough, I think it would really kinda kill him if I cheated. The whining would never stop. :mad:

 

I guess I am pretty transparent. Maybe I should change his image of me and start clubbing people with bats or something.

[giotto]

oh, yes... you can't touch me, you can't have sex with me (well, when I say so - every Pope's death, as we say in Italian) and, of course, you can't cheat. There is an alternative, obviously. Destroying the family, with a nice divorce and financial hardship. But I suppose that's already been done (destroying the family). Cheers! (I am not bitter, honestly... )

[Turtles]

I guess that that begs another question: why not leave?

 

It's hard to just up and leave. So the affair will commit you to that course. Like jumping of a bridge - you take the first step but gravity finishes the job for you.

[dreamingoftigers]

It's hard to just up and leave. So the affair will commit you to that course. Like jumping of a bridge - you take the first step but gravity finishes the job for you.

 

Isn't that kind of like getting the other people to do the dirty work for you. You're unhappy, so you latch to someone else to pull you through the unhappy process by making you happy while risking getting caught so that your spouse most likely kicks you to the curb instead of you packing up, figuring yourself out and the preparing to walk out the door?

 

I don't mean to disrespect you in any way. Am I missing something. Or is it often not that well thought-out? Is it just, "I am unhappy, I want someone close to me, spouse is being a dork so that's not an option. Don't want to go through all of the break-up/divorce stress with spouse, what does Plan B look like?"

[Severely Unamused]

Isn't that kind of like getting the other people to do the dirty work for you. You're unhappy, so you latch to someone else to pull you through the unhappy process by making you happy while risking getting caught so that your spouse most likely kicks you to the curb instead of you packing up, figuring yourself out and the preparing to walk out the door?

 

I don't mean to disrespect you in any way. Am I missing something. Or is it often not that well thought-out? Is it just, "I am unhappy, I want someone close to me, spouse is being a dork so that's not an option. Don't want to go through all of the break-up/divorce stress with spouse, what does Plan B look like?"

 

That is my personal opinion too. Don't have the emotional strength to just do it alone. Need a safety net to fall back on so you aren't alone. Pure procrastination.