The Affair Boat

[dreamingoftigers]

Because I am broker then Hell right now and saving to leave, duh!

 

Also been using this time to lay a foundation to best co-parent.

 

At this point the situation looks like this: separate living areas, trying to rent the upstairs rooms, he's more into me right now then I am him. I have 93% emotionally quit and for some reason that seems to be appealing to him

 

Been working on dropping the pounds and getting the gas bill back into my name, have about $10,000 in debt to go.

 

My daughter and I love each other mucho, she crawls into bed with me almost every morning around five and we cuddle.

 

Once in a blue moon I get laid. Figure I'll be in the clear by January. I already know I can make it by myself, I don't share my feelings or day to day with the dude and things get better day by day.

 

His parents love me better. Getting some great supports for my daughter. Trying to get a better vehicle and way more income coming in. I am not quite able to support myself and pay for childcare etc. At this point H's monthly expenses are about 95% of his income, no kidding. We stay here for a little longer, we don't need to shell out for rent. We part, financially I can't think of anything that will screw us worse. Yay.

[dreamingoftigers]

Furthermore, I don't say anything to the Jackass, if he wants to go out all night or drink or fart or whatever, I don't give a crap as long as he pays his half of the bills. Funny part is, since that's been clear he hasn't been drinking, going out all night or doing anything out of line. Too slow...

[StoneCold]

sc, I don't know your story but why go through all the hassle of an affair? Why don't you just leave? Is some part of you hoping that she will find out and fight for you?

 

 

Its not a hassle if you keep focus, perspective and stick to your own rules...that and I'm good at compertmentalizing things. Further, and as I said before...leaving is a process, my needs are now and I'm not putting them on hold anymore...makes no sense to me.

 

If I were wanting to see her "fight" for me I would bring it out in the open

Edited August 16, 2011 by StoneCold

[dreamingoftigers]

I am a little more curious about the situation. What makes it "not a good time to divorce."

 

In my case, I would prefer my H and I to both be stabilized. At least just me. We have some massive debts to pay back between now and roughly January.

 

We cannot be split officially until Feb 12th anyways so having him in different quarters is no skin off of my nose.

 

He isn't physically abusive with me and has recently kept his mouth shut so I don't really care about the rest knowing what path we are going down anyways.

 

BUT I don't think I could deal with much more of that.

 

What are you waiting on?

[StoneCold]

What are you waiting on?

 

 

My situation i somewhat unique and has to be approached carefully.

[Turtles]

Isn't that kind of like getting the other people to do the dirty work for you. You're unhappy, so you latch to someone else to pull you through the unhappy process by making you happy while risking getting caught so that your spouse most likely kicks you to the curb instead of you packing up, figuring yourself out and the preparing to walk out the door?

 

Yes, that's a bit the way I see it.

 

If I want to leave but don't have the balls to just pull a disappearing act on her, if I can make her hate me instead it will be easier, right? Hypothetically speaking, of course.

 

Don't have to actually have an affair - could just hire an escort girl to pose with me naked and mail the pic anonymously. I think about doing that sometimes. On bad days. But not very long We've always worked our stuff through in the end.

[worldover98]

Stonecold put it so aptly that when children are involved, and you love them and still have love(?) and respect for their mom, up and splitting is a process which takes time and planning. It's hazardous and emotionally embarrassing for everyone , especially when you live in a small community to just move out.

 

There is too the financial strain when a house and payments remain, and the possibility of more monthly expenses for an apartment. Then compromise and patience become critical. This is real life and knee jerk responses can have drastic consequences.

 

Like Stone Cold, in the beginning wife's was as charged as me for lovemaking, 3-5 times a week. After the first kid she lost that edge and said she needed time to rebound, so I was patient with having sex 5-6 times a year. Then after the second baby, I remained patient and loyal, lovemaking stats reduced to 4-5 times a year. Then the stats declined further, like 3-4 times a year while her weight increased. Now the little ones are in grade school and the weight remains, the lovemaking stats have declined further to 1-2 times a year. At each point I can recall trying and trying to get her in the "mood": flowers, nights out, touching, etc. She tried to use more excuses like we had a argument so she was not emotionally connected and thus could never make love. And she was not into the touching thing as much. But before the kids, I recall similar silly arguments ( sorry but sometimes due to her P.M.S.ing) we'd cry then make up with love making. The next days and weeks would be great.

 

But wifey lost the spirit of compromise and couple-ing, aside from lovemaking. If she were to make a change today however, I would still be there for her. But she does not and so I must emotionally move on. And taking seperate quarters in the house, i.e. not sleeping together, will be the first move that could spell the beginning of the end (she recommended this, not I!) She's too smart to know that a guy with my charm and libido will not continue to simply relieve himself with porn. If I were to meet someone whom I made a big connection with, the clock would certainly start ticking Thus, she will NOT be blindsided when that day comes! Our marriage therapist thinks this day should come sooner than later. But I must be patient because I'm not one to look back after I have decided to make a change. And I don't want to have regrets and be bitter about any of it.

[StoneCold]

Bravo...but many here will never see it. They are so consumed with infidelity they cant see the forest for the trees

 

Stonecold put it so aptly that when children are involved, and you love them and still have love(?) and respect for their mom, up and splitting is a process which takes time and planning. It's hazardous and emotionally embarrassing for everyone , especially when you live in a small community to just move out.

 

There is too the financial strain when a house and payments remain, and the possibility of more monthly expenses for an apartment. Then compromise and patience become critical. This is real life and knee jerk responses can have drastic consequences. .

 

lol..I find it funny when many here say... "well then just leave...". lol sure at some point (sooner than later we hope) the split will happen you know this. But to just up and say "ok I'm audi 5000...see ya" is just not reality and potentially very stupid.

 

Like Stone Cold, in the beginning wife's was as charged as me for lovemaking, 3-5 times a week. After the first kid she lost that edge and said she needed time to rebound, so I was patient with having sex 5-6 times a year. Then after the second baby, I remained patient and loyal, lovemaking stats reduced to 4-5 times a year. Then the stats declined further, like 3-4 times a year while her weight increased. Now the little ones are in grade school and the weight remains, the lovemaking stats have declined further to 1-2 times a year. At each point I can recall trying and trying to get her in the "mood": flowers, nights out, touching, etc. She tried to use more excuses like we had a argument so she was not emotionally connected and thus could never make love. And she was not into the touching thing as much. But before the kids, I recall similar silly arguments ( sorry but sometimes due to her P.M.S.ing) we'd cry then make up with love making. The next days and weeks would be great. .

 

Oh boy thats all too familiar... its the excuses that really get to you because you know they are total bullshyt. Its like they think you got amnesia and have no recollection of how the same issues and arguments had almost zero effect on sex; what an insult to your intelligence. Then you call them out on it and then they try to make you feel like an ass... "I'm so tired...", "I do all this stuff"...blah blah blah LMAO...

 

but you KNOW that if you were a "new guy"..they would run a mini marathon in the morning, put in a full work day, come home, cook dinner for the kids, help them with their homework, clean up, put them to bed and be waiting on the edge of their seat to jump you and suck your cock like its the last piece of wood on the face of the earth. lmao

 

I dont pull this stuff out of my ass... I've dated many single mothers to know....the sex is mind boggling and I bet my last dollar the out going guy was "starving". I know this because thy would tell me lol

 

She's too smart to know that a guy with my charm and libido will not continue to simply relieve himself with porn. If I were to meet someone whom I made a big connection with, the clock would certainly start ticking Thus, she will NOT be blindsided when that day comes! .

 

yup

Edited August 17, 2011 by StoneCold

[John Michael Kane]

oh, yes... you can't touch me, you can't have sex with me (well, when I say so - every Pope's death, as we say in Italian) and, of course, you can't cheat. There is an alternative, obviously. Destroying the family, with a nice divorce and financial hardship. But I suppose that's already been done (destroying the family). Cheers! (I am not bitter, honestly... )

 

And cheating is supposed to solve that?

[StoneCold]

And cheating is supposed to solve that?

 

 

its not supposed to solve the ailing/dieing marriage....there should be a separate game plan for that.

 

Cheating solves what you arent getting....sex

[John Michael Kane]

its not supposed to solve the ailing/dieing marriage....there should be a separate game plan for that.

 

Exactly what I've been lecturing you about.

 

Cheating solves what you arent getting....sex

Nope.

[dreamingoftigers]

Stonecold put it so aptly that when children are involved, and you love them and still have love(?) and respect for their mom, up and splitting is a process which takes time and planning. It's hazardous and emotionally embarrassing for everyone , especially when you live in a small community to just move out.

 

There is too the financial strain when a house and payments remain, and the possibility of more monthly expenses for an apartment. Then compromise and patience become critical. This is real life and knee jerk responses can have drastic consequences.

 

Like Stone Cold, in the beginning wife's was as charged as me for lovemaking, 3-5 times a week. After the first kid she lost that edge and said she needed time to rebound, so I was patient with having sex 5-6 times a year. Then after the second baby, I remained patient and loyal, lovemaking stats reduced to 4-5 times a year. Then the stats declined further, like 3-4 times a year while her weight increased. Now the little ones are in grade school and the weight remains, the lovemaking stats have declined further to 1-2 times a year. At each point I can recall trying and trying to get her in the "mood": flowers, nights out, touching, etc. She tried to use more excuses like we had a argument so she was not emotionally connected and thus could never make love. And she was not into the touching thing as much. But before the kids, I recall similar silly arguments ( sorry but sometimes due to her P.M.S.ing) we'd cry then make up with love making. The next days and weeks would be great.

 

But wifey lost the spirit of compromise and couple-ing, aside from lovemaking. If she were to make a change today however, I would still be there for her. But she does not and so I must emotionally move on. And taking seperate quarters in the house, i.e. not sleeping together, will be the first move that could spell the beginning of the end (she recommended this, not I!) She's too smart to know that a guy with my charm and libido will not continue to simply relieve himself with porn. If I were to meet someone whom I made a big connection with, the clock would certainly start ticking Thus, she will NOT be blindsided when that day comes! Our marriage therapist thinks this day should come sooner than later. But I must be patient because I'm not one to look back after I have decided to make a change. And I don't want to have regrets

and be bitter about any of it.

 

Bravo...but many here will never see it. They are so consumed with infidelity they cant see the forest for the trees

 

lol..I find it funny when many here say... "well then just leave...". lol sure at some point (sooner than later we hope) the split will happen you know this. But to just up and say "ok I'm audi 5000...see ya" is just not reality and potentially very stupid.

 

Oh boy thats all too familiar... its the excuses that really get to you because you know they are total bullshyt. Its like they think you got amnesia and have no recollection of how the same issues and arguments had almost zero effect on sex; what an insult to your intelligence. Then you call them out on it and then they try to make you feel like an ass... "I'm so tired...", "I do all this stuff"...blah blah blah LMAO...

 

but you KNOW that if you were a "new guy"..they would run a mini marathon in the morning, put in a full work day, come home, cook dinner for the kids, help them with their homework, clean up, put them to bed and be waiting on the edge of their seat to jump you and suck your cock like its the last piece of wood on the face of the earth. lmao

 

I dont pull this stuff out of my ass... I've dated many single mothers to know....the sex is mind boggling and I bet my last dollar the out going guy was "starving". I know this because thy would tell me lol

 

 

 

yup

 

I am curious what steps both if you took to resolve your marital resentment and fix the problem before you went outside your marriages. I would also be curious to know whether those steps were steps that YOU would like to see taken or if they were tailored to your spouse.

 

In my case my husband would be very upset by my "nagging and emotional dumping" but from my perspective I saw it as reminding him of important things and sharing, which was how I felt love and I always wished he would share more with me. His reaction to my sharing really hurt me, but by his definition he felt pretty attacked.

 

I shared all the way to Hell and back. I thought maybe I wasn't sharing enough because he didn't seem to get that I loved him. The pressure he felt nearly made him blow a gasket.

 

Eventually I gave up sharing and just thought "F U man, nothing's ever good enough." all of a sudden he's happy as a clam.

 

The book How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It really helped me understand what was going on in my M. I thought it would be a hokey book, but it was actually really well-written.

 

Worldover, I wrote you a very nice response for your original thread but I thought you dropped off the face of the Earth so I didn't bother posting it. If you are sticking around, I'll put it up (I nearly wrote "throw it up" ha ha).

 

I honestly suspect that you both view your wives as "withholding" I viewed my H the same way. I have come to learn that he is kind of "intimately retarded." which is okay I guess, I was too. It just might be that your wives are thinking you are okay with the arrangement because you have given up on getting any.

 

Some women really don't get how important it is or they can't do it without feeling that connection which has surely gone dormant in both your marriages at this point.

[StoneCold]

Exactly what I've been lecturing you about.

 

Nope.

 

 

LMAO

 

1) I dont need you're dogmatic lecture

 

2) Want sex..not getting it from wife; get it somewhere else...the problem of sex = solved

[John Michael Kane]

I am curious what steps both if you took to resolve your marital resentment and fix the problem before you went outside your marriages.

 

You can't fix or resolve anything if you're going outside the marriage.

[John Michael Kane]

 

LMAO

 

1) I dont need you're dogmatic lecture

 

Where you're heading, you will need it.

 

2) Want sex..not getting it from wife; get it somewhere else...the problem of sex = solved

 

Not the way to solve problems. Alternatives are key.

[StoneCold]

I am curious what steps both if you took to resolve your marital resentment and fix the problem before you went outside your marriages. I would also be curious to know whether those steps were steps that YOU would like to see taken or if they were tailored to your spouse..

 

DOT you're making me feel like I'm taking crazy pills. I explained this already

 

Some women really don't get how important it is or they can't do it without feeling that connection which has surely gone dormant in both your marriages at this point.

 

 

This I do not buy....like I said if they were with a new guy do you really think they would be carrying on like that? Jenna Jameson wouldnt have anything on them...

 

They know exactly how important it is...

[StoneCold]

Where you're heading, you will need it..

 

Where exactly is that? lmao

 

 

Not the way to solve problems. Alternatives are key.

 

Yeah I found an alternative....whats your point

[dreamingoftigers]

You can't fix or resolve anything if you're going outside the marriage.

 

Hence, I was wondering what they may have tried to do beforehand to fix the situation.

 

At the point where you are bedding someone outside the marriage, you are playing with your brain's bonding hormones. So, no you won't be generating the right circumstances to fix intimacy.

[dreamingoftigers]

DOT you're making me feel like I'm taking crazy pills. I explained this already

 

 

I am a slow learner.

 

This I do not buy....like I said if they were with a new guy do you really think they would be carrying on like that? Jenna Jameson wouldnt have anything on them...

 

They know exactly how important it is...

 

honestly, it blows my mind but it seems that those about 10-15 years older and than me and up seem to think it dwindles with age. I don't get it personally. And I think that often they hold it at bay out of unaddressed resent. I really think most women who do this don't think that their men will go outside for it. I think that they think he will do whatever is necessary to make them happy enough to put out or that they will get used to it. Or even that the guy doesn't care enough about their bedroom experience to make it worthwhile to them. There's about 6 major ones I think. Oh, and I forgot, if a woman's limbic system (brain system) is running even a smidge too hot, it will kill her desire for sex. Can be seen on brain spectral scans. Could very well be physiological. And there is actually an easy fix for it.

 

In my vast years I have discovered that most perceived selfishness and character flaws can usually be uncovered as two converging factors: 1. History of the person, especially traumatic and childhood events and 2. Brain function. We are interesting creatures. :-)

[dreamingoftigers]

I for instance am kind of curious about JMK's two factors.

 

I have some limited theories but I'm sure he'd rather I not share. Nothing insulting. Seriously.

 

I try not to judge. Lately I have noticed I have been slightly more trigger-happy but I get that everyone is on their own journey.

 

StoneCold, you presented a little differently to me at first so I have probably taken about 1000 little probing stabs at you. No Offence.

[worldover98]

Dreaming of Tigers, if you did what you did to please your man, sharing, being attentive, etc, then he follows a pattern like my wife in a way that sharing is not important in a marriage. My wife wants control, point blank! She wants control over household matters, feeding the kids, how they dress, what goes where, and then sex is sort of an extension of that control. She feels she always has a better way. But a marriage is about compromise and sharing and sometimes putting up with the other's 'shortcomings'. In other words, if I'm better at math and she at literature, then our two strengths should help each other.

 

As far as going outside the marriage to get sex, well, I do have a friend who did just that to the point that it made the wife really reflect on her failures in the marriage to seek greater help. And now their marriage and sex are back to normal. So MR. Kane sees things in an all too simplistic "not cheating" manner!

[giotto]

And cheating is supposed to solve that?

 

I meant exactly the opposite. Won't cheat, so I'm stuck...

[dreamingoftigers]

Control tends to be a male interpretation of a different female trait.

 

You are staring directly at anxiety and lack of security.

 

Bet my life savings on it. Someone is very, very fearful and isn't going about it the right way at all.

 

Oddly enough, when women get that wrenching and fearful they tend to be married to men who fear being pushed around and shamed.

 

Then, they get left alone by such men, increasing their anxiety and round it goes until things worsen.

 

Bet my life's savings.

 

Don't think I have taken a side. I just know the game, seen it about a thousand times.

[giotto]

I agree with everything... I'm in a similar situation... I think many of us - especially with kids - are planning their exit. But it takes time and strength, above all if you still care very much about your wife, not mentioning the children...

 

Stonecold put it so aptly that when children are involved, and you love them and still have love(?) and respect for their mom, up and splitting is a process which takes time and planning. It's hazardous and emotionally embarrassing for everyone , especially when you live in a small community to just move out.

 

There is too the financial strain when a house and payments remain, and the possibility of more monthly expenses for an apartment. Then compromise and patience become critical. This is real life and knee jerk responses can have drastic consequences.

 

Like Stone Cold, in the beginning wife's was as charged as me for lovemaking, 3-5 times a week. After the first kid she lost that edge and said she needed time to rebound, so I was patient with having sex 5-6 times a year. Then after the second baby, I remained patient and loyal, lovemaking stats reduced to 4-5 times a year. Then the stats declined further, like 3-4 times a year while her weight increased. Now the little ones are in grade school and the weight remains, the lovemaking stats have declined further to 1-2 times a year. At each point I can recall trying and trying to get her in the "mood": flowers, nights out, touching, etc. She tried to use more excuses like we had a argument so she was not emotionally connected and thus could never make love. And she was not into the touching thing as much. But before the kids, I recall similar silly arguments ( sorry but sometimes due to her P.M.S.ing) we'd cry then make up with love making. The next days and weeks would be great.

 

But wifey lost the spirit of compromise and couple-ing, aside from lovemaking. If she were to make a change today however, I would still be there for her. But she does not and so I must emotionally move on. And taking seperate quarters in the house, i.e. not sleeping together, will be the first move that could spell the beginning of the end (she recommended this, not I!) She's too smart to know that a guy with my charm and libido will not continue to simply relieve himself with porn. If I were to meet someone whom I made a big connection with, the clock would certainly start ticking Thus, she will NOT be blindsided when that day comes! Our marriage therapist thinks this day should come sooner than later. But I must be patient because I'm not one to look back after I have decided to make a change. And I don't want to have regrets and be bitter about any of it.

[John Michael Kane]

Where exactly is that? lmao

 

You know what it is.

 

Yeah I found an alternative....whats your point

 

Nah that's not an alternative, dude.