Would you allow your bf/gf to go to parties without you?

[LoveandSuch]

Last words are not a bad idea, but enabling a jerk to respond IS a bad idea.

 

~Never let a jerk get the last word in!

 

Best way is to say you had enough and good bye, then block ALL means of communication.

 

I question if Tasha has the strength and will power in doing so. She is most likely going to start giggling about enchiladas, batting eyelashes, and both he and she, viola, are going to go around the dysfunctional Ferris wheel again.

[zengirl]

Last words are not a bad idea, but enabling a jerk to respond IS a bad idea.

 

~Never let a jerk get the last word in!

 

Best way is to say you had enough and good bye, then block ALL means of communication.

 

Tasha has said she's going to meet him to end it---I think that IS saying goodbye. (As I said, I'm not sure meeting is necessary, but a conversation is.) You have the conversation, you end it, and then sure, if someone pesters you and you've said, "Please don't call me," feel free to ignore them, of course. But first ASK them to stop calling. Don't just randomly go hide. That's what I'm saying was stupid in your idea.

 

I don't see what you get from bashing Tasha's ability to be strong. She has said she knows what needs to be done, and she has a plan to end it on her terms. I believe she can do so.

 

It's sad she has allowed him to treat her badly, but the first step to taking your strength and empowerment back is to face the person head on, tell them how you feel, and end the dynamic directly and assertively. By ducking away and playing the victim, you only perpetuate your own pain.

[Tasha49]

Loveandsuch, I think your approach to end it is a bit harsh. It is not as if he ever was a physical abuser or that he called me horrible names and mistreated me in my face. He is an ******* for sleeping around but he did make it clear we are not together. He does not treat me the way I deserve no but that is because I want more than what he wants. Again I am not defending his actions or blaming it on myself. I am saying he is not a terrible person, just not ready to stay with one girl. I am not going to treat him like a piece of garbage. He has done many things for me and even though I owe him nothing great... I do not owe him such a harsh avoidance.

 

I am not spending my entire day off breaking up with him. We are meeting and I will tell him exactly how it is. I am done playing games. I want nothing less than a relationship and he cannot ever give me that. So moving on, it is.

 

I also work with him. That would make it very weird to just cut him off with no warning and never talk to him about why (though he may already know) and why all of a sudden. He has never mistreated me as a person if you know what I mean. Not through words or contact at least. He is a decent person.

 

Just not in regards to make a relationship work.

 

(cue the slander)

[Tasha49]

Zengirl, I appreciate your advice!! The phone idea sounds fairly good to me actually. This way I don't have to see him and feel bad (heaven forbid). I just might do that!

 

My method, loveandsuch, is also not about what people think works best in this type of situation. It is what works best in my mind and what will make me feel good by the end of the day. People vary in terms of what works best for them. Well this works best for ME and is going to make me happy.

[zengirl]

Zengirl, I appreciate your advice!! The phone idea sounds fairly good to me actually. This way I don't have to see him and feel bad (heaven forbid). I just might do that!

 

My method, loveandsuch, is also not about what people think works best in this type of situation. It is what works best in my mind and what will make me feel good by the end of the day. People vary in terms of what works best for them. Well this works best for ME and is going to make me happy.

 

You're welcome. And, yes, do whatever will make you feel empowered and also proud of yourself for your actions. That's always the best course IMO.

[LoveandSuch]

Loveandsuch, I think your approach to end it is a bit harsh. It is not as if he ever was a physical abuser or that he called me horrible names and mistreated me in my face. He is an ******* for sleeping around but he did make it clear we are not together. He does not treat me the way I deserve no but that is because I want more than what he wants. Again I am not defending his actions or blaming it on myself. I am saying he is not a terrible person, just not ready to stay with one girl. I am not going to treat him like a piece of garbage. He has done many things for me and even though I owe him nothing great... I do not owe him such a harsh avoidance.

 

I am not spending my entire day off breaking up with him. We are meeting and I will tell him exactly how it is. I am done playing games. I want nothing less than a relationship and he cannot ever give me that. So moving on, it is.

 

I also work with him. That would make it very weird to just cut him off with no warning and never talk to him about why (though he may already know) and why all of a sudden. He has never mistreated me as a person if you know what I mean. Not through words or contact at least. He is a decent person.

 

Just not in regards to make a relationship work.

 

(cue the slander)

 

He sounds like a wonderful person. Great boyfriend material. Anyways, I forgot you were not even dating, or even an item, just bunk mates. As you said he made that clear the entire relationship, so I do not understand how he cheated or why there has to be some huge break up.

In the end, you do have to do what is best for you and makes you happy.

[Kelemort]

Well, is he within his rights to invite me to a party? If someone else is throwing it and I wasn't invited, then absolutely. If he's the one arranging it and going out, then I might ask ("Is this guy's night out or what?") about the nature of it, but that's it. He's free to go out and have fun.

 

I have a single friend and I will go to clubs with her - she's very shy and I'm her 'wingman' of sorts. My s/o trusts me. I have not hit on anyone, nor has anybody hit on me. If I went alone, he'd probably ask me to stop - in which case I would. It just doesn't mean that much to me and I can understand why he'd be concerned.

 

I'd be more concerned with the amount of time he spends at parties, rather than whether or not he invites me. If his friends like to throw a lot of events, more power to them! I'd only find it suspicious if others' girlfriends were invited to this party, but not me.

[Mme. Chaucer]

First, people in committed relationships (healthy ones, anyway) are not in the state of mind to "allow" or "disallow" things from one another.

 

That being said, if someone is supposedly in a committed relationship and they want to go out to parties with dancing and where black-out drinking is the norm, and leave their mate at home alone ... they are NOT AN APPROPRIATE CANDIDATE FOR A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP. That's single person behavior. Let them remain single until they've had enough of going to this type of party on their own.

 

What would be a "good" reason for a man or a woman to give their partner for needing to go to a party like this alone, anyway?

 

I mean, maybe once in a blue moon, like for a bachelor / bachelorette party, might be acceptable in some relationships.

 

I'm an old fartress, and I pretty much think that even if people want to go get drunk and puke most weekends WITH their boyfriend / girlfriend, they might not be good "relationship" prospects.

 

Tasha, the bottom line is for YOU to know what is and isn't acceptable to YOU, and when you are getting involved with a guy again, don't go any further once you realize that his lifestyle includes things that are unacceptable to you. Don't plan on "allowing" him to do things or not, and don't plan on him changing from the way he is when you start. Though he might ... you can't get involved with a person with the expectation of change.

[OriginalPenguin]

First, people in committed relationships (healthy ones, anyway) are not in the state of mind to "allow" or "disallow" things from one another.

 

That being said, if someone is supposedly in a committed relationship and they want to go out to parties with dancing and where black-out drinking is the norm, and leave their mate at home alone ... they are NOT AN APPROPRIATE CANDIDATE FOR A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP. That's single person behavior. Let them remain single until they've had enough of going to this type of party on their own.

.

 

This is pretty much all there needs to be said about this topic; all the chitter chatter about owning somebody and whatnot is not even relevant. If I was with somebody that routinely wanted to attend parties without me then I would step aside and let them go all they want, because that is an indication there is at best a lack of respect and I would not allow myself to be treated like a doormat. Hasta La Vista!

 

I would not even think of acting like that and the way it would make my girlfriend feel. It astounds me that anybody in a relationship would do this...