Spiraling Downward

[Cantcope]

My ex broke up with me 3 months ago after a near 3 year relationship. We fought too much over things. I always bitched that he wouldn't take me on dates, dinner and movies, etc. The fighting became to be too much.

We work together and live a building apart, so NC has been almost impossible. Shortly after the breakup, I registered on Plenty of Fish because my friends were harassing me to meet new people and get over my ex. I went on occasionally to check messages and occasionally chat, but nothing serious. Still VERY much in love with my ex and this seemed to fill some of my lonely time.

There have been a few occassions where we missed each other and spent a few days together, and it always left me sad and needy and wanting more, but it would always ultimately end in a fight. In this time as well, we would take turns being strong while the other was weak, happy while the other was sad. It sucked. As soon as I would start smiling and feel like I was moving on, he would have to come back into the picture and screw me up.

In these 3 months, I have cried, promised to change, told him how in love I was, threatened to move on and leave him to regret losing me....everything I shouldn't have done.

So....we spent Tuesday night and Wednesday together. At one point I asked him about reconciling and he gave meth ole "can't you ever just be normal and not talk about this", so at that time, I started to get sad and quiet. We were watching tv and I was getting really sad. I started texting a friend of mine who always kept me in check. When he asked me who I was texting and I told him, HE FLIPPED OUT. My friend is a guy. He blasted me about texting another man about him, so I showed him the message so he could clearly see that it was talking about how much I loved him!!! He then wanted to read my entire thread with this guy. I wouldn't allow him to, so he threw me out and proceeded to text me all night about how hurtful and awful I am and that he knows I'm doing something with this other guy. I'm not!!!!

The following day I tell him how I'm completely, utterly in love with him and want nobody else in my life.

The day after, I'm at work eating lunch and he's at the next table. I get pop up notifications on my phone when I get a new message on POF. I check it and continue to look through who has "viewed" me...and what do I see? He created a profile in which he said his dream first date would be EXACTLY any of the things we used to fight over him not doing with me.

 

I burst out into tears and left the building. He then proceeds to text me that he hopes it hurts me to see him on there as much as it hurt him to see me (he was actually on there to find me since he knew I was on that site during our first breakup last year). He says that I'm a liar and manipulator for telling him that I love and want only him and I'm on a dating site. I completely understand where he's coming from, but I've begged him to give me another chance for 3 months!!! And I wasn't really seeking anything other than some attention, not that he would believe it.

 

So now he has a profile and I'm addicted to checking to see if he's online. He kept adding me as a "favorite" so that he could track my activity, so I deleted my account. I could care less about the damn account!!! I really do only want him. He's stubborn though and talking gets me nowhere.

 

I'm in a DEEP depression and can barely get out of bed. He's been out all weekend and all I can wonder is if he met another girl.

 

I know it's none of my business. I know I need to let go, but I'm sooooo hurt!! Especially thinking that after everything, and knowing that I love him like I've never loved before, his last interaction with me has him thinking that all I did was lie and play games and I'm horrible.

 

I want to check myself into a looney bin. Please someone....help.

Edited August 15, 2011 by Cantcope

[Orianne]

Have you considered getting a job elsewhere? Moving? It seems as though you're not doing yourself any favors by staying where you're at. Getting away from this guy will give you time to clear your head and think more rationally about the whole situation.

 

Moving and getting a new job will also give you a chance to try no contact--he can't ever miss you if you're right there all the time, and you can't ever move on if he's always around.

[Cantcope]

I wish that another job was an option. I am paid VERY well for my job and I love it. I'm a single mom and can't risk a decrease in pay, etc.

 

I am moving, my lease expires September 30.

 

I'm seeing my primary today to get back on medication and I will be seeing a counselor this week as well.

 

I just want this all to end.

 

I've created a fake profile now, just so I can keep checking to see if he is online. I'm obsessed.

= (