Can't believe I'm in this place...emotional affair with MM

[JustAnotherDumbGirl]

Hello.

 

I don't even know why I'm here. Maybe because I've exhausted all of my real-life options for venting....even my therapist is sick of this story. Maybe I just need to hear I'm not alone, I don't know.

 

I've been divorced for a few years years. About a year and a half ago, a married co-worker and I started talking a lot, flirting. Your typical workplace disaster scenario. We just connect really, really well.

 

In this time, the closeness became very noticeable to our other co-workers. The rumor mill got crazy, people would constantly ask me "he's obviously miserable in his marriage, why aren't you two together?" Obviously, not a fun question to try to answer nicely.

 

The thing is, I know he's not happy, but we don't discuss specifics. We just basically pretend she doesn't exist. They don't spend much time together as a couple (long story I won't go into) so him and I spend hours upon hours talking on the phone, texting, Facebooking, etc. We talk about everything under the sun, we have a glorious connection. I love him.

 

At one point I did tell him I was in love with him and wanted to cut all this off. It didn't last, I went right back the first chance I got, and he let me back in, no questions asked.

 

I'm a pretty attractive, smart, fun woman. I'm a freaking catch....and yet I blow off available men all the time because my heart belongs to someone else.

 

Physically, the only things we've done are minor....melt-into-each-other hugs, some kisses along the cheek, hand holding during some emotional moments. We do cross lines in our phone/text flirtations sometimes......but OTHER times, he'll try not to "go there" with me. I get the sense that in those times, he's feeling guilty and trying to be "good."

 

I don't know. I feel like he keeps me around for purely selfish reasons. To make himself feel better, I guess? He knows how I feel and just keeps letting it go on. I'm ANGRY. I want him to let me go.

 

But how can I be mad at him when I won't walk away myself?

 

Blah.

[whichwayisup]

He isn't "miserable" in his marriage, if he truly was, he'd divorce and be free to do whatever with you. Bottom line is this, he IS still married and live 'life' with his wife. He doesn't speak of her so you really don't know what is going on behind closed doors and their family life. Also, what you do know, what he's told you, maybe isn't true or it's exaggerated.

 

It seems this is just going to be an EA, plus little cuddles/kiss/hugs. This much time and it hasn't reached the PA level means he is "using" you to patch something and you're meeting a need he isn't getting from his wife or from within himself.

 

You've seen a Therapist and still in this situation, I assume she's been advising you to end it and grieve the loss so you can heal, find someone else who is better suited for you and single.

 

How quickly did you fall for this co worker after you divorced?

[JustAnotherDumbGirl]

I have considered the fact that I'm just a "patch," per se. I guess on some level I just assume ALL affairs are like this. Isn't the other person always there to fill a need the spouse isn't filling?

 

Yes, my therapist tells me all the time to go NC. I'm actually trying that right now, which is probably why I'm posting here. I'm jonesing for a "hit," so this seemed like a much better alternative. Tough love.

 

He is very VERY devoutly Christian (I am not) so the fact that this has never escalated physically doesn't surprise me. What does bother me is the fact that I think he doesn't see much wrong with it BECAUSE it's not physical. He's very quick to lay on the "we're just friends" line, when in reality everyone we know knows we're not "just friends."

 

I'd been divorced for more than a year when this happened, I was pretty much over the ex.

[bentnotbroken]

I have considered the fact that I'm just a "patch," per se. I guess on some level I just assume ALL affairs are like this. Isn't the other person always there to fill a need the spouse isn't filling?

 

Yes, my therapist tells me all the time to go NC. I'm actually trying that right now, which is probably why I'm posting here. I'm jonesing for a "hit," so this seemed like a much better alternative. Tough love.

He is very VERY devoutly Christian (I am not) so the fact that this has never escalated physically doesn't surprise me. What does bother me is the fact that I think he doesn't see much wrong with it BECAUSE it's not physical. He's very quick to lay on the "we're just friends" line, when in reality everyone we know knows we're not "just friends."

 

I'd been divorced for more than a year when this happened, I was pretty much over the ex.

 

 

This always amazes the hell out of me. Devoutly Christian with the exception of adultery.

[whichwayisup]

You see him at work so going NC is going to be hard. start looking for another job, or ask for a transfer.

 

If you want it over, make it over and be strong! Take responsibility for your part in all of this! You cannot control how he feels, thinks or does. Remember, he's looking out for HIMSELF only! Why would he end it with you when you provide a service/need for him? Not malciously, but selfishly.

 

The longer you stay, the more messed up you'll be.

 

What are you afraid of by ending it? What is it in you that makes you weak to say NO to him and mean it? Afraid of pain? Afraid of losing how he makes you feel?

 

This isn't LOVE. It's addiction and lust. And unhealthy in the long run.

[Tenacity]

This always amazes the hell out of me. Devoutly Christian with the exception of adultery.

 

Oh, but they don't define it as 'adultery' if the penis doesn't penetrate the vagina.

[JustAnotherDumbGirl]

Y

 

If you want it over, make it over and be strong! Take responsibility for your part in all of this! You cannot control how he feels, thinks or does. Remember, he's looking out for HIMSELF only! Why would he end it with you when you provide a service/need for him? Not malciously, but selfishly.

 

The longer you stay, the more messed up you'll be.

What are you afraid of by ending it? What is it in you that makes you weak to say NO to him and mean it? Afraid of pain? Afraid of losing how he makes you feel?

 

This isn't LOVE. It's addiction and lust. And unhealthy in the long run.

 

Yes, I am afraid of losing how he makes me feel...when he makes me feel GOOD. In those moments, I feel like the most awesome woman on the planet. I guess I just worry....what if this is it? What if no other man ever finds me as awesome as he does? I already feel lonely....what will I feel when even HE is gone?

 

It's scary.

 

Not to mention the fact that we do have this great friendship, and I do worry about hurting him. He's very lonely as well....will I feel bad for making HIM feel worse?

[JustAnotherDumbGirl]

Oh, but they don't define it as 'adultery' if the penis doesn't penetrate the vagina.

 

Yeah, I've heard his definition of cheating....and I'm pretty sure we don't fit it. Even though I know DEEP DOWN he knows it, he won't cope to it.

[bentnotbroken]

Oh, but they don't define it as 'adultery' if the penis doesn't penetrate the vagina.

 

 

:DTrue, they tend to qualify. Maybe they even assume it means everyone but them. I think Mr. Messy believed he was exempt. He was special.

[JustAnotherDumbGirl]

You need to worry more about yourself than him. I'm afraid you aren't seeing how one sided this is.

 

I agree I need to worry more about myself, but I don't get what you're saying in terms of it being "one sided." I'm not questioning whether or not he cares for me, I know that he does. I'm also not trying to escalate this into anything more than it is....it will never go there. I know that. There IS a lot to his situation that I know that I haven't written in this post.

 

I want to get over it, I do. But it's not like I'm following him around like a puppy. LOL. I guess I'm just looking for moral support and to hear I'm not the only one who's fallen for this.

[JustAnotherDumbGirl]

Oh hon, some of us including me have fell for a lot worse. lol

 

By one sided, I mean a lot of your post is more about what YOU THINK he feels, thinks, etc. Also I'm afraid that he matters a lot more to you than you matter to him. You are much more invested from the sounds of it.

 

He sounds very good at being able to compartmentalize and in some twisted way he is telling himself that he is not really cheating, but he IS.

 

Please search for a site called baggage reclaim. There is info on there that might shine a light on what is REALLY going on.

 

Yes, yes. He is VERY good at this. His whole life is pretty much about pretending everything is fine when it's really not; ignoring problems; and yeah, compartmentalizing.

 

Frankly, I'm not sure WTF I see in him. LOL

 

Thanks for the site, I'm off to browse now!

[9789]

I agree I need to worry more about myself, but I don't get what you're saying in terms of it being "one sided." I'm not questioning whether or not he cares for me, I know that he does. I'm also not trying to escalate this into anything more than it is....it will never go there. I know that. There IS a lot to his situation that I know that I haven't written in this post.

 

I want to get over it, I do. But it's not like I'm following him around like a puppy. LOL. I guess I'm just looking for moral support and to hear I'm not the only one who's fallen for this.

 

 

I understand. Am in EA with MM BFF. People can be very judgmental if they have not been there. No one would choose this situation...it evolves. I feel for you. It's a huge heartbreak. I think what they r getting at with regard to one sided is u r free to give your heart...he is not...even if he would, under other circumstances, like to. No one knows the future. Ultimately I think he will need to come to his own conclusions. Sounds like he may b in denial with regard to his feelings for you because he has conflict with his beliefs and self concept. Clearly he has feelings for you bit minimizes them so he can feel he is behaving "appropriately". No easy way to go on this. I wish u the best.

[JustAnotherDumbGirl]

Sounds like he may b in denial with regard to his feelings for you because he has conflict with his beliefs and self concept. Clearly he has feelings for you bit minimizes them so he can feel he is behaving "appropriately". No easy way to go on this. I wish u the best.

 

Thank you. I agree with your assessment. It sucks, it really does. I hope your situation pans out better!

[MissBee]

Hello.

 

I don't even know why I'm here. Maybe because I've exhausted all of my real-life options for venting....even my therapist is sick of this story. Maybe I just need to hear I'm not alone, I don't know.

 

I've been divorced for a few years years. About a year and a half ago, a married co-worker and I started talking a lot, flirting. Your typical workplace disaster scenario. We just connect really, really well.

 

In this time, the closeness became very noticeable to our other co-workers. The rumor mill got crazy, people would constantly ask me "he's obviously miserable in his marriage, why aren't you two together?" Obviously, not a fun question to try to answer nicely.

 

The thing is, I know he's not happy, but we don't discuss specifics. We just basically pretend she doesn't exist. They don't spend much time together as a couple (long story I won't go into) so him and I spend hours upon hours talking on the phone, texting, Facebooking, etc. We talk about everything under the sun, we have a glorious connection. I love him.

 

At one point I did tell him I was in love with him and wanted to cut all this off. It didn't last, I went right back the first chance I got, and he let me back in, no questions asked.

 

I'm a pretty attractive, smart, fun woman. I'm a freaking catch....and yet I blow off available men all the time because my heart belongs to someone else.

 

Physically, the only things we've done are minor....melt-into-each-other hugs, some kisses along the cheek, hand holding during some emotional moments. We do cross lines in our phone/text flirtations sometimes......but OTHER times, he'll try not to "go there" with me. I get the sense that in those times, he's feeling guilty and trying to be "good."

 

I don't know. I feel like he keeps me around for purely selfish reasons. To make himself feel better, I guess? He knows how I feel and just keeps letting it go on. I'm ANGRY. I want him to let me go.

 

But how can I be mad at him when I won't walk away myself?

Blah.

 

Great question!

 

That's what it comes down to....we can't control others and most times (except for obvious situations of brute force) they cannot control us, yet it's nicer to wonder why they won't do xyz and "free us" than it is to realize it takes two to do the proverbial tango...and the prison "they've" created is actually one of our own making.

 

Getting attention, feeling like someone cares, wants us, etc is a great feeling. Heck, that's often how people end up cheating when things are bad at home and why people rebound after break ups. People crave the feelings and rituals (going out, texting, talking, having sex etc) that come with romance....but those things alone aren't sustainable for a relationship and situations like that don't often pan out, as people unknowingly or knowingly choose to take the short term gratification (the feelings) and aren't trying to build anything permanent or substantial. ANY relationship where there is no concrete goal, no serious discussions about where things are going, seeing if this person's values and yours are in sync, seeing if your paths are parallel, and all the not-so-fun aspects, is one based purely on feelings, and feelings, as we know, are fickle.

 

Does he want something substantial and permanent with you? You think he is being selfish....he probably is...bad marriage and all...why wouldn't the attention, love, affection of a "great catch" be welcomed? It is! Even if he has no intentions or is not ready to make it more. Soooo ask yourslef what YOU want/need, what you TRULY feel is going on (you already admitted a part of it, the selfishness, you're probably right, listen to yourself) and where you want to go from here. Don't wait for him to let you go...if you need to go..go...as if he kicks you to the curb, worst come worst, say on dday, then you'll wish you had been the one to have ended it before it came to that.

 

I know it's not an easy thing and attachment is hard to break.....but I have been through the process of breaking attachment, it's not easy, but it doesn't kill you and most times you end up being VERY glad you did as you realize it wasn't ideal and you can do a lotttt better!

Edited August 15, 2011 by MissBee

[Gentlegirl]

The OW /OM doesn't always fill in a gap that's missing in the MP's realtionship.

 

There are men out there who are just there for the thrill of the chase.

 

There are men out there who are bored to sobs with their life and they are looking for some kind of "high". Is that what you want to be... just to become somebodys "fix".

 

Some want variety and others are just born cheats.

 

How do you know he's unhappy in his marriage, really? Even if he said he is, how would you know.

 

Don't assume anything and believe less. He's having a little bit of entertainment with you and your reputation is going down the drain at work.

 

Walk away from the it before you get in any deeper or your work goes pear shaped.

 

You say your'e a catch.... let a single man catch you. Be smart... smarter than I was.

 

Gentlegirl

[TurningTables]

I understand. Am in EA with MM BFF. People can be very judgmental if they have not been there. No one would choose this situation...it evolves. I feel for you. It's a huge heartbreak. I think what they r getting at with regard to one sided is u r free to give your heart...he is not...even if he would, under other circumstances, like to. No one knows the future. Ultimately I think he will need to come to his own conclusions. Sounds like he may b in denial with regard to his feelings for you because he has conflict with his beliefs and self concept. Clearly he has feelings for you bit minimizes them so he can feel he is behaving "appropriately". No easy way to go on this. I wish u the best.

 

 

Hiya. I really liked you post for the most part 9789. Its true that people can have a EA without the physical. I was in your shoes about three months ago with my xbestfriend/MM. Just because it hasent "gone there yet" dosent mean it wont. Alot of the time when you establish a emotional attachment, over time it wears you down and you end up in a full blown PA. My xMM and I even joked about how long it was going to be until we finally just gave up fighting it. Fortunately for me, I realized it was totally wrong, found this site and these wonderful fOW/BS gave me the courage to do what was right.

 

Anyways, to the OP, I really feel for you. The longer you stay in this situation, the worse its going to get. Then one day, you wake up and realize its a PA. ( If you think things are bad now, just wait til that happens and then youll wonder how did I get here?)

 

Its time to tell him what's what. You need to have a conversation with him that basically states: You cannot be friends with him anymore because of XYZ ( he's married, etc). You can convey to him that you feel for his situation, however, you can no longer help him with the problems. Only if he is divorced can you be his friend again. I truly know what its like to have feelings for someone, be their best friend and their sounding board. The truth is, that should be their spouse. You cannot keep putting yourself in the middle. It will lead to heartbreak and pain. Going to NC will be hard and even harder because you work with him. In the long run, just keep thinking, Im better than this and I deserve someone who will respect me first.

 

Best wishes.

[nyrias]

This always amazes the hell out of me. Devoutly Christian with the exception of adultery.

 

Well, Christianity version of adultery does not involve EA. And you know they (or at least the catholic) do not update their dogmas for HUNDRED of years.

 

The catholic church still believes birth control is wrong, for crying out loud.

[JustAnotherDumbGirl]

Thank you so much to everyone for their replies, I've taken a lot of what you've said to heart.

 

I already screwed over my attempt at NC....working up the strength to give it another go. It's SO HARD when you can so easily be like "we're just friends, we've never slept together, I'll just keep it light."

[geejayess]

I understand you when you say he makes you feel GOOD. Sometimes the wrong people just get you; they understand you and touch off emotions in you that make you feel great. I have that, I am trying my damndest to LET IT GO because right now it hurts more than it feels good.

 

I know this isn't helping you, I just wanted to do for you what no one has done for me in my post and tell you that I understand what you are going through and you don't have to feel bad for feeling love.

[TurningTables]

Thank you so much to everyone for their replies, I've taken a lot of what you've said to heart.

 

I already screwed over my attempt at NC....working up the strength to give it another go. It's SO HARD when you can so easily be like "we're just friends, we've never slept together, I'll just keep it light."

 

 

Hiya Just. But the thing of it is is that you werent just friends. Although you didnt sleep together, you still formed a emotional bond and it could/would have led up to you having a PA.

 

Just keep working at NC. You will get there. If you slip up, its ok, just get right back on the wagon. You will get tired of it sooner or later and say enough is enough. Keep posting. Everyone is here for ya. Good Luck!