How do I live without my husband of 15 years?

[Delrissa]

First time here, I am grateful to find this community. I hope no one minds a long letter.

 

My husband and I have been married for 15 years and together for a couple before than. I believed we'd be together forever, really. The other half of my life before i met him was filled with abusive family members and depression. He lit up my life, made me everything I am now and we have such great memories.

 

My time with my husband has been the absolute most amazing time I've ever experienced. I love him so much. We used to write mail and love letters, go to events and parties, we met important people, took business trips, danced, took romantic trips, do many things together; we've always been very much in love. It is the only love I've ever felt and only true real connection I've ever had with another human being.

 

Over the years as things go, we grew some differences and we had some disagreements. These disagreements always ended in he's always right and I'm always wrong.. it's the only way I could get him to stop arguing, a pride thing perhaps? I did not let it bother me, though it did a number on my self confidence. I only thought about it just now like that. I also found out he's a compulsive liar, so it was hard to live with that, but I managed all this time.

 

There came a time when I lost my job and he encouraged me to stay home and find other interests and employment opportunities. I also had health issues. Because of having to be careful with money, we stopped doing so many things in general. I wanted to find employment, I tried running my own business and it just didn't work out. We were both very stressed this past year.

 

A few months ago I began experiencing vivid flashbacks and felt like I was reliving my childhood abuse every day. It was very hard, I tried so hard to explain to my husband why it was so awful. I just never dealt with my pain in the past, but it all came back to me. Later, I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder. At the time I had no idea what was happening or why.

 

During this time my husband got very close with a female co-worker and gave me the cold shoulder during my very emotional state. For the first time in our marriage he wasn't there for me. We began to argue a hole lot, it got worse and worse. He jumped to her every need and want whenever she called, it drove me bonkers. I really needed him to be there for me.

 

I accused him of messing around with her and he was just horrified I would accuse him. I feel so awful having accused him, but at the time it felt really like it and my emotional state was out of control with the trauma i was reliving.

 

I grew up socially strange in my abusive childhood, and so I'm not always the best at speaking with others. I have very low confidence and low self image. However he always understood me entirely and gave me the benefit of the doubt, encouraged me, loved me, always cared for me no matter what.

 

We only had disagreements so severely this past year. After I accused him he started saying I accused him so many times and he couldn't make me happy and he was tired of me. He named off people I never accused him of anything of, I guess asking questions means accusations? Thought you're supposed to ask questions to show interest in someones life? So confusing.

 

But he decided I was just hurtful with my trauma, emotions and the way I talked. He never had problems with me or the way I talked before. He also was always at my side when life was terrible. His sudden change of attitude toward me hurts so much. My friends think he is cheating, even if he says no. In my heart I now don't think he is, but he may have emotionally, it felt like it back then.

 

So one morning he said we are done, he's filing a divorce. Won't go to marriage counseling, won't talk, won't work on us in any way. He just don't want to try to work out, to save a 15 year marriage. How is 15 years not worth saving? He looks at me though.. I can see there's no love in his eyes any more. He has anger, horrible anger at me. I just cried, so much, every day after that day.

 

In the middle of this, I had to get an operation, he said even with the divorce he is my best friend, always my best friend, and he'll be there for me. I tell my friends, "don't worry he'll be there for me, I'll tell you how it goes later". The day of the operation, he doesn't hold my hand, doesn't come in with me, he stays out in the waiting room, instead he texts me and tells me I'm worthless garbage that no one would ever be there for me if he wasn't there for me, and that he can't stand me.

 

The man I know would never do or say such awful things. He just kept getting more and more angry and I wasn't doing anything at all to prompt him. He said he was talking to others and "seeing it how it really is". He did not explain that part though. We had a argument after the operation was over. I was drugged up and he was telling me how much he resents me. I told him the man I married would never behave like he is... how can he talk to the woman he loves like this? why is he suddenly smoking and drinking? why does he not care at all about me and my well being? He never asked how the operation went. He did apologize for his hurtful behavior later that day, he knew what he did was wrong.

 

We are separated, he living with his co-worker and me at our home. We both have lawyers and are working things out that way, the divorce is underway.

 

During the past month he's come here threatening me, I've had to state I would call the police on him if he didn't calm down and get a grip on his anger.

 

I am in shock and confusion on why my dearest friend in all my life and only true love can suddenly be so angry, treat me so badly, and not want to talk and resolve our problems? Our problems are so so small compared to other couples we know. We have communication problems, we don't express our true feelings with each other well, he lies so much and sometimes is very hurtful with his lying, I have trust issues and my trauma to heal from..

 

He turned many friends against me, he told them things that aren't at all true. I saw his friends making fun of me on face book. He ignores me, won't text, call or write. I've lost many friends, and gained many friends as well. Why can't mutual friends just not take sides?

 

His family.. I miss. They don't speak to me any more either, this makes me very sad.

 

So here I am, my heart shattered and going through a divorce. I may never see him again, except at the trial, and that breaks my heart over many times. The empty bed is so heart breaking.

 

I am very alone every day. I cry many times a day, go through my ups and downs like hills and mountains. I am moving in with my mother soon, after the trial. I am trying very hard at working on getting a job. I have medical bills and no savings, my debt is growing. I also have no car any more. Friends I have live too far from me so I don't see them hardly ever. I at least have a place to live, I am so thankful for that. But I am at the lowest point in my entire life.

 

I never knew a pain like this could exist. There are days I think about death and days I think about success. Sometimes I fear I may die of a broken heart, a broken person. Even if I go through the motions of getting a new home, a job, a new car a, new life.. there's a part of me that will never be hole again. He is my soulmate, my one and only. He doesn't love me no more. I love him more then anything, I don't know how to carry on, I wish I could heal our marriage.

 

I would ask.. how do I get him to talk to me again, at least be my friend, maybe date me again or anything, but I think he is so mad it seems like he is done. He has cut me off. Is there any hope of even friendship ever?

 

So I don't know... how do I cope, through holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, special days, just even looking at my things has him in memory.. how does a person even recover and carry on after this happens? How does a person ever be happy again after this?

 

Sorry for grammar/typos, I just can't stop crying.

Edited August 15, 2011 by Delrissa
small details

[Lanelle]

I am so sorry you are going through all this heart break. I know just how you feel. I have been married 29 yrs and together 34 and i have been seperated for 3 yrs. I know how you feel. My husband is my soul mate also. We have been together since high school and then all of a sudden everything changed. I do want you to know that you will start to grow stronger through all of this and also you will accomplish things on your own that you know that you needed to and do things by yourself and basically get your own life and you will feel so good about that. Holidays were hard but i had all the family and inlaws because that how close we are. My husband fell into all the sins of the world but i know that we have more than that together and that God is working on both of us and in the end everything is going to be fine because that is Gods promise. I hope you believe in God because he and he only is the one that is going to help you through this. I have never been closer to God as i am now. I know I can make it without my husband now and for now I am but not forever. God will send him back and we have been together as of lately but it is not time now. It will be Gods time and with a better husband and I will be a better wife. I want to refer you to rejoice marriage ministeries on line there you will learn to stand for your marriage not matter how long it takes. I know deep down that we are meant to be together and of course we are married no matter what they think they are doing out there it is never going to work because it is not supose too! we have a covenant with God and marriage is supose to be for ever. The two of you need to grow on your own through God and then God will bring you together again.

[Severely Unamused]

First off, if you are thinking about suicide, then you need to get help. Talk to your friends and family now, and tell them how you feel. Contact a suicide hotline. Get some therapy.

 

I'd recommend reading around this site, to get some perspective. The NC guide is good way to go.

 

Venting here could also help.

 

Sorry that you ended up in this situation.

[PinkInTheLimo]

Delrissa, it seems to me that your husband has been very controlling with you. As he was better that the abusive people you knew before in your life, he seemed like your saviour. But it seems to me that he has always been very selfish, it had to be his way or the highway.

At the moment that you no longer did what he wanted, he coldly cut you off.

 

I know it is very hard to see his other side now. All you can do is to accept his decison and to try to build a life for yourself. You probably never had that before: a life in which you decide what you will do and how you will do it. Seize the opportunity and you might eventually even come to the conclusion that you no longer want your husband.

[worlybear]

Hey Delrissa. I am in the middle of a lengthy divorce after 28 years together, so I understand how you feel.

Like you I relied totally on my STBXH and my world fell apart when he cheated. I was shattered but I am doing ok now and each day gets better (ish!)

Take each day as it comes and concentrate on you. You will get through this. Hugs.:bunny:

[Delrissa]

You are all so very nice and kind, I am so grateful I found this forum. I have never made to feel so at home in just the matter of a single posting.

 

Lanelle: Thank you for sharing your thoughts, I am not all that religious though I have thought about looking into it as something to be a part of after I move. It's one of those things that I've never gotten to explore (yet). I believe in Him, but just have not been a part of church. I do hope that He brings you back with your soulmate when the time is right and that all is better with you both and a much more healed situation filled with smiles once again.

 

While I believe my husband is my soulmate, I don't think he thinks it of me (any more). He's changed so much, I don't even know how it would be if we got back together now that I think about it. What if this is the 'real him' and not just a phase of how he's dealing with his pain? I don't know how it would work with his smoking and drinking and co-worker, I been thinking.. I am not so sure it would work. It hurts so much to think that way though. He's so different. I guess maybe I'm different too... a divorce really changes a person it feels. Maybe it's only temporary? I miss the person he used to be I guess.

 

If somehow we are brought back together, I really hope we can be different but better people, people that have learned our mistakes. I have done so much personal growth while he's been out of my life, specifically on facing my childhood pains. It's been very rough thinking of those times. I hold onto hopes he will return, and sometimes it feels like it could happen and sometimes it doesn't. Rollercoaster of feelings I imagine you know how i mean eh.

 

I am not someone who is interested in dating any time soon, my mom asked me when I think I'm going to go dating, no disrespect to her but I told her I think that's just not even on my mind. I think I need a few years to be lucky enough for life to bring him back to me may be after he's done some work on himself and I need to be strong enough to get past all the hurt from him and my childhood abuse. I might not ever find him with me again, but I at least will try my best to heal myself. My sister and I have had long conversations and she's helping me face the pain, i know now it's the only way I can truly move forward and not have these flashbacks haunt me or ruin me again down the road.

 

 

Severely Unamused: Thank you for your advise! I've had moments where I think of death, but they get less and less. I used to have them all the time growing up. I have spoken to a close friend about it and I am going to counseling. I am a survivor, so I must survive this.. I keep telling myself.

 

I took your suggestion, I have spent time reading the boards and crying, I feel a lot of pain for others reading their stories. I also feel some strength in their words and that is very inspirational. I am a bit dumb with the terms but I found out what the NC Guide is. I read a handful of NC information and posts, they all have very straight forward good advice and advice I think I needed to hear.

 

In reflection I think possibly my husband might be (in his own way) doing the NC system on me. He stopped all talking when the papers were given to me and every thing is done thru the lawyers now. My lawyer has said to me to avoid all contact with him, to not reply to him. He uses things I say to bully me, try to push his wants on me. I am trying very hard not to contact him. It is hard, we had so many mutual friends, we have such a history.

 

Some nights it's hard not to call him, I am saddest in the evenings. I hate going to bed, I don't like waking up. I dream of us, of him, of better times, arguments too, his anger. I don't like sleeping, I try not to, so I don't sleep much.

 

 

PinkInTheLimo: Reading what you wrote hits me so much as the profound truth. Looking back he has always treated me like a princess, but things did need to be the way he wanted things. When he compromised, I felt guilty about it. I certainly have had my bad parts, but I did my best to be compromising too.

 

There are things I didn't do that deep down he wanted me to do and when I did not do them, he resented me for it. He wanted me to do and be a certain way, but he never said these things to me. I do not know why, since I have always been eager to listen to him. He kept that inside, those desires, didn't tell me his real feelings (until the divorce). He told me flat out he had always resented me, but I think he now knows if he had spoken his thoughts they would have been welcomed. He was always reluctant to share his inner thinking.

 

Even with sex, that had to be his way too. The first year or two we were very good lovers, had a great time, couldn't keep our hands off each other, we probably embarrassed our friends, but we were so in love. It became a holiday special after that first couple of years. The last some years some times we would barely do any thing for up to a year, sometimes longer. He said he is old fashioned, he sees it as a mechanical thing, something for making babies. We always have a very good time, but he would be nervous, we were not ready for kids and he was nervous, didn't want to get me pregnant. It became an excuse. I accepted this thinking and I only mention it now because after reading this forum I realize sex is very important to a marriage and it should have never been let to slip behind like that. I love sex, he did too, but he could not change his thinking even with pills and condoms for protection.

 

That is one of his lies that hurt me. He'd say he has no real interest, that it was not me, but that work and stress and responsibilities kept him less interested. Years back then, I caught him looking at sex photos on the computer and movies and he confided he always liked that. He did that often, by himself. I did not mind so much, other then his computer got more physical attention then I did. That lie hurt. I tried to change things, even bought pretty night clothes and dresses and special make-up and perfume, tried to be extra sexy for him, go out on dates, write him sexy notes. I spent a lot of time reading online on how to make it better. It never changed, only got worse, since we hardly do nothing in the last few years.

 

I really did feel like he was my saviour for many years to tell the truth, no one has ever ever treated me the way he did. He is the only person who ever showed so much love. I have felt that he is the only person that will ever treat me so kindly. I have never met anyone like him before, he's such a unique person from any other person. He has old fashioned ways, holds the door open for a lady type of things. I really was swept off my feet.

 

I tried to be friends with his co-worker friend. I really just could not take it a moment longer. So you are right, I stopped doing as he wanted, so I somehow became less important? He traded me for a friend, no matter how close they are or aren't, he did replace his wife with a friend. That hurts so much, it is so unbearable. I can't fathum how he is okay with that.

 

You second paragraph sounds similar to what my mom says. And you are right, we were young when we met, I never went out in the world with out him. Never had any one but him in my life for so long that treated me so well.

 

I want to believe that I can one day feel "normal" and maybe smile, maybe not cry. I constantly remind myself of the bad things he said to me shortly after he declared he was leaving me, I try to keep focus on who he is now and not who he was. It helps to push me to moving forward without him, I think. I am trying to eccept he no longer cares for me, it is a hurdle.

 

I am trying to mend my wounds, I am reading here, reading online, reading books too, talking on the phone alot, it is so hard facing both the loss of my partner and my childhood. I try to focus on the healing, instead of crying and looking through our letters and photos. I don't let myself look at them any more for the past week now. It's all so heavy.

 

Today I pulled out some old music I haven't heard in 25ish years. It is nice hearing music that I have always loved. Music has always been comforting to me. I avoided the love songs! Maybe another day on those.

 

Worlybear: 28, that has got to be so difficult, I am so sad to hear this. I am touched that you, in your pain, have reached out to say words of encouragement to me. You are a very strong person to be so kind to a total stranger like me, to share your strength.

 

You are right, each day gets a fraction of a percent better, just a tiny tiny bit. I try to find things to do each day that distract me from this, but also spend time working on things within myself that need healing. I imagine you are in a similar place of thinking. hugs to you too. I imagine so many people here could really use a hug, I miss giving and being hugged every day, hugs are very needed by us all I think.

[Delrissa]

I am sorry, I talk so much. It's been very quiet and lonely in this empty house. Words just flow, I hope this is okay, I need to be more organized in my typing

[Mauschen]

I am sorry for your pain. Please don't apologize here - we've all been in tough places in our lives.

 

I am not sure if this is the advice you need right now, but this site is helpful when dealing with a spouse who is having an affair:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5059_qa.html

 

I also agree with another poster - going to God with your problems can be very helpful. It doesn't mean that your husband will come back, but it will put you on the path to healing and becoming a whole person. I recommend Calvary Chapel because the people at those churches (at least the ones I've been to) have been so welcoming and supportive. They want to know the real you, and help you with your needs. We are all broken in some way, and Calvary is a good place to heal. http://calvarychapel.com/

 

Good luck to you!