calndn Posted August 15, 2011 Share Posted August 15, 2011 So ive been on here quite a lot but not recently actually. I'm now 10 months on or actually 5 months if you include the emotional head messing my ex put me through and until last week was feeling pretty darn good. I'd been on a date with a really nice guy and was feeling better about everything until.... I had my suspicions that my ex was seeing someone but I saw something that confirmed it. Something on facebook that she had written about them being away together for the weekend. Even though I knew/had my suspicions that something was going on...seeing it confirmed in front of my eyes made me cry for hours. I dont know why really because he was so emotionally abusive to me for months and months and I certainly dont want him back. But I know the side of him that this girl will be seeing right now and that side of him is lovely, and I guess thats what I keep thinking about. It's so weird to think about him with someone else. We were eachothers first loves so its even more difficult for me, ive taken to it really hard. Im feeling better than I did last friday when I found out and I will continue to feel back to the way I did but I hate having blows like this. Kind of my own fault by looking on facebook, whats worse is I cant even see him I have to go through a friends login...I want to stop but I cant its terrible. Other than this slight set back....I can honestly say im so much different to the way I was a few months ago, back in march I was an ultimate mess, never saw the end of it, and even though im not quite at the 'end' im closer than I ever have been and proud of how far ive come considering the circumstances and everything he put me through. Just needed to rant xxx Link to post Share on other sites
Renard99 Posted August 15, 2011 Share Posted August 15, 2011 I know your pain all too well. I've come to the point in my healing where I know I don't really want her back even if she wanted to come back, yet, I've recently started to see her about alone with a guy she always used to speak fondly of even when we were together. They could just be friends for all I know but it doesn't stop that feeling of hurt. Knowing deep down that it's well and truely over even thought the relationship ended months and months ago, and, as harsh as it may sound, you feel 'replaced'. My one piece of advice would be to remove him (or them) from your Facebook page. That removes the chance of you seeing potentially upsetting information like you did. Stay strong, all of us here at Loveshack are here for you. Keep up the ranting! If it works, do it! Link to post Share on other sites
Author calndn Posted August 15, 2011 Author Share Posted August 15, 2011 Hi Renard99, Yes in a way it is that feeling of being 'replaced' the place he took her for the weekend just this last weekend was somewhere we were always going to go but never got round to so that almost makes it even worse. She is quite a bit older than him...dont think that matters but it makes it even more weird. I just obv could never imagine him with someone else and now that its happened its odd. Even though hes more or less a stranger to me as I havent spoken to him for 4 months. I dont like the feeling that she might meet or already have met his parents, who I met and got on well with etc. I know hes met most of her family, and it feels like being punched when your down you know? He now could well be in love with someone else so soon after me, its not fair, and after the way he treated me and did what he did he doesnt deserve it, wheres karma when you want it!!? xxx Link to post Share on other sites
Renard99 Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 My ex is also doing things that we would have done with her new guy. We both shared the same taste in music and both loved going to gigs. I've continued to go, just on my own now and, unfortunately, she's going to them as well, just with this new guy. It feels like she's 'replaced' me with a direct replacement. It makes her statements at the point of the break up (which I now know were her just stabbing wildly in the dark for a reason) that we simply 'didn't like the same things anymore' a complete lie. It all makes that 'hurt' that little bit greater. I agree that Karma doesn't seem to be fair in these circumstance but, as is the point with Karma, it has to come back around at some point. You never know, the period of bliss our exs are probably feeling may be setting them up for a fall similar to the one they subjected to us. You never know but Karma does have it's ways. Link to post Share on other sites
shortee143 Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 (edited) It is very hard seeing your ex move on- all whilst you are still continuing to heal (and figure out wtf even happened). My ex, has been seeing someone for several months now, and I know all about it. We are in the same social circle, and cant avoid each other. It is really hard, I totally have that "replaced" feeling, and knowing he can be wonderful, as he was when we dated (not the jerk he became when we broke up). I am not looking forward to having to be around him and her for the indefinite future, it is going to continue to hurt like hell. However, I feel as though in time your brain get used to it, like I know he is with her, they have sex, they spend tons of time together...and I hurt, but no longer am a sobbing mess. You start to realize there is just nothing you can do. Sadly, having to be around it is a whole other story ugh. Edited August 16, 2011 by shortee143 Link to post Share on other sites
Author calndn Posted August 16, 2011 Author Share Posted August 16, 2011 It is very hard seeing your ex move on- all whilst you are still continuing to heal (and figure out wtf even happened). My ex, has been seeing someone for several months now, and I know all about it. We are in the same social circle, and cant avoid each other. It is really hard, I totally have that "replaced" feeling, and knowing he can be wonderful, as he was when we dated (not the jerk he became when we broke up). I am not looking forward to having to be around him and her for the indefinite future, it is going to continue to hurt like hell. However, I feel as though in time your brain get used to it, like I know he is with her, they have sex, they spend tons of time together...and I hurt, but no longer am a sobbing mess. You start to realize there is just nothing you can do. Sadly, having to be around it is a whole other story ugh. I must admit if I had to see this...I couldnt cope. He does live in the same town as me having moved here for me but I thankfully hardly ever see him and havent seen them together...I should say yet because it seems inevitable but I hope I never see it. It does make me sad to think I know he will be the lovely guy that I met, it took me 6/7 months to realise he wasnt the man I thought he was, then he turned into a jerk for the rest of our relationship. I know ive got to concentrate on the jerk part of him and not the lovely guy part of him when I think of him with the new girl but I keep reverting to thinking how she must think hes great like I did. Its so hard to imagine him with someone else. He was my first love and I was his so I guess this makes it harder? The other thing is hes met her having moved here for me, if he had never moved here he wouldnt have met her. That in my mind makes me think if it wasnt for me he wouldnt have met her...all in all a vicious circle! Link to post Share on other sites
sleepykitten Posted August 16, 2011 Share Posted August 16, 2011 I think i have posted on every similar post about this as i find myself in the same situation, and calndl hit the nail on the head saying that the new girl is getting "the lovely" side of him, thats what i remember, just how great he was when we were first together, a yr in and he totally changed, i think he is just in it for the honeymoon period as he turned into a total selfish prick after that, it was really odd, but he still saud all the right things yet his actions didnt match up at all. I also dont think he truely knows what he wants as his latest e mail to me before i found out he was with someone-said he still doesnt really know all the answers to why he left (que lots of cliches about drifting apart, both of us unhappy etc etc) but he does know he loves me and always will. This just makes what i found out more of a kicker as i think-why bother to write all that to me and tell me how "raw it suddenly is".....the questions in my head are relentless and unanswerable as i have no idea what he is thinking and I want to stop, I want to put it behind me and move on. But this latest revelation has hit me hard as it came 2 mths post bu, and while i was in a pretty good, accepting place, it knocked me for 6 and i have to admit i am struggling to get back up again, as for me it totally negates so much of our relationship as i question it all now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author calndn Posted August 16, 2011 Author Share Posted August 16, 2011 I think i have posted on every similar post about this as i find myself in the same situation, and calndl hit the nail on the head saying that the new girl is getting "the lovely" side of him, thats what i remember, just how great he was when we were first together, a yr in and he totally changed, i think he is just in it for the honeymoon period as he turned into a total selfish prick after that, it was really odd, but he still saud all the right things yet his actions didnt match up at all. I also dont think he truely knows what he wants as his latest e mail to me before i found out he was with someone-said he still doesnt really know all the answers to why he left (que lots of cliches about drifting apart, both of us unhappy etc etc) but he does know he loves me and always will. This just makes what i found out more of a kicker as i think-why bother to write all that to me and tell me how "raw it suddenly is".....the questions in my head are relentless and unanswerable as i have no idea what he is thinking and I want to stop, I want to put it behind me and move on. But this latest revelation has hit me hard as it came 2 mths post bu, and while i was in a pretty good, accepting place, it knocked me for 6 and i have to admit i am struggling to get back up again, as for me it totally negates so much of our relationship as i question it all now. What you say here I could have written myself. I can tell you I am going through EXACTLY the same thing. He got this new girl 6 months after bu but really only 2 months after I finally got out of his headmessing horrible emotional abuse where he wa stringing me along post breakup. It makes me question if he ever did care. He was amazing at the beginning and all through the honeymoon period it was after 7 months he started acting up a bit on and off then turned into the biggest prat I know. I also think he's a honeymoon man and ups and leaves once that's over. I was his first long term gf only had girls for a few months in the past. He was my first bf my first love. I've never experienced pain like it xx Link to post Share on other sites
shortee143 Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 I must admit if I had to see this...I couldnt cope. He does live in the same town as me having moved here for me but I thankfully hardly ever see him and havent seen them together...I should say yet because it seems inevitable but I hope I never see it. It does make me sad to think I know he will be the lovely guy that I met, it took me 6/7 months to realise he wasnt the man I thought he was, then he turned into a jerk for the rest of our relationship. I know ive got to concentrate on the jerk part of him and not the lovely guy part of him when I think of him with the new girl but I keep reverting to thinking how she must think hes great like I did. Its so hard to imagine him with someone else. He was my first love and I was his so I guess this makes it harder? The other thing is hes met her having moved here for me, if he had never moved here he wouldnt have met her. That in my mind makes me think if it wasnt for me he wouldnt have met her...all in all a vicious circle! It is very hard to cope! But I owe it to myself to be strong, and not let him destroy me, and allow me to avoid fun things with friends. I know EXACTLY how you are thinking, I think the same..like wow he is so into her, she must think he is so wonderful (Little does she know, he slept with me and another girl while seeing her, dumped me via phone with no given reason after telling me am onth earlier I was the girl of his dreams, on top of other countless insensitive things he has done when we have been forced to be at the same social events). He also met his new girl at a restaurant near his new place, when he moved into a new apt with our friends (I was so against this move) alas, had he not moved, he wouldnt have met her. We both just need to keep that focus that he WAS lovely, but there is another side, an ugly, cruel side. My ex has changed so much from the person I knew him as. I am not bitter to have been dumped, it hurts sure, but I cant even fathom his treatment of me, or who this person he is now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author calndn Posted August 17, 2011 Author Share Posted August 17, 2011 It is very hard to cope! But I owe it to myself to be strong, and not let him destroy me, and allow me to avoid fun things with friends. I know EXACTLY how you are thinking, I think the same..like wow he is so into her, she must think he is so wonderful (Little does she know, he slept with me and another girl while seeing her, dumped me via phone with no given reason after telling me am onth earlier I was the girl of his dreams, on top of other countless insensitive things he has done when we have been forced to be at the same social events). He also met his new girl at a restaurant near his new place, when he moved into a new apt with our friends (I was so against this move) alas, had he not moved, he wouldnt have met her. We both just need to keep that focus that he WAS lovely, but there is another side, an ugly, cruel side. My ex has changed so much from the person I knew him as. I am not bitter to have been dumped, it hurts sure, but I cant even fathom his treatment of me, or who this person he is now. I dont understand and have given up trying to understand why he changed but it drives me crazy sometimes. And like you the way he treated me and how he was toward the end and after our breakup, i wouldnt want to know that person. And thankfully I dont know him anymore. Or I feel I dont. I just think its because hes found someone new which I find weird in itself but also just that I obv dont have anyone and its unfair he should be happy after everything when really its me who deserves to be happy for once! It sucks. And I feel like a desperado desperately wanting someone new. xx Link to post Share on other sites
shortee143 Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 I dont understand and have given up trying to understand why he changed but it drives me crazy sometimes. And like you the way he treated me and how he was toward the end and after our breakup, i wouldnt want to know that person. And thankfully I dont know him anymore. Or I feel I dont. I just think its because hes found someone new which I find weird in itself but also just that I obv dont have anyone and its unfair he should be happy after everything when really its me who deserves to be happy for once! It sucks. And I feel like a desperado desperately wanting someone new. xx I know it is really frustrating. I too can wrack my brain trying to understand the changes in my ex. When you breakup, someone has got to move on first....sadly in both our cases, and like most, it is the dumper. And as much as one should never use another person to get over someone else, it def helps finalize things when you are ready, and you can put your effort and energy into a new relationship. I dont think it is that you are desperate at all, it just sucks that he is happy (like my ex ugh), and we are still here, alone. Sadly it is life, and life is surely unfair. I just hope karma comes back around and he gets a taste of what it is like to be treated like garbage I stand by that saying, "do unto others as you would want done unto you"!! Seems like a hard concept for some to understand!! Link to post Share on other sites
sleepykitten Posted August 17, 2011 Share Posted August 17, 2011 I dont understand and have given up trying to understand why he changed but it drives me crazy sometimes. And like you the way he treated me and how he was toward the end and after our breakup, i wouldnt want to know that person. And thankfully I dont know him anymore. Or I feel I dont. I just think its because hes found someone new which I find weird in itself but also just that I obv dont have anyone and its unfair he should be happy after everything when really its me who deserves to be happy for once! It sucks. And I feel like a desperado desperately wanting someone new. xx Oh I am right there with you-part of me wants to "heal" be happy on my own etc etc, but the other half of me wants to be with someone new as i dont have anyone either and it sucks royally that he is all loved up and happy-although i think he is he may not be but my head just constantly shows me re runs of her status updates i read ( why why why did i do that!!!). Today was a better day as i do feel like I have dodged a bullet and learnt a valuble lesson, have never been in a relationship with a "future faker" before-google this its on baggage reclaim, and it really described the type of guy our exs sound like, the honey moon period, the promises, the romance. We will meet someone better and more deserving of us and hopefully any red flags we see we will recognise and be strong enough to leave first before they suck the life out of us! Link to post Share on other sites
Author calndn Posted August 22, 2011 Author Share Posted August 22, 2011 Oh I am right there with you-part of me wants to "heal" be happy on my own etc etc, but the other half of me wants to be with someone new as i dont have anyone either and it sucks royally that he is all loved up and happy-although i think he is he may not be but my head just constantly shows me re runs of her status updates i read ( why why why did i do that!!!). Today was a better day as i do feel like I have dodged a bullet and learnt a valuble lesson, have never been in a relationship with a "future faker" before-google this its on baggage reclaim, and it really described the type of guy our exs sound like, the honey moon period, the promises, the romance. We will meet someone better and more deserving of us and hopefully any red flags we see we will recognise and be strong enough to leave first before they suck the life out of us! I am the same as you I look on fbook and see something and cry, but I look for it so have only myself to blame really. Today I saw something one of his friends said it was on his friends wall and was about telling him to come to the cinema if he could drag himself away from the new gf' just made me think about when we first went out and he more or less spent all his time with me. I have noone and it just makes me feel so unattractive and unwanted and like im never going to find someone. I just dont know waht to do anymore, I feel ive tried everything. Link to post Share on other sites
shortee143 Posted August 22, 2011 Share Posted August 22, 2011 I am the same as you I look on fbook and see something and cry, but I look for it so have only myself to blame really. Today I saw something one of his friends said it was on his friends wall and was about telling him to come to the cinema if he could drag himself away from the new gf' just made me think about when we first went out and he more or less spent all his time with me. I have noone and it just makes me feel so unattractive and unwanted and like im never going to find someone. I just dont know waht to do anymore, I feel ive tried everything. Aw yes seeing that stuff on facebook is the worst, damn social networks. Since my ex and I are in the same crew, 2 of my friends told him to delete me bc it was a good idea, at first I was upset, then realize it is for the best!!!! It is so hard seeing them happily moved on. No matter how confident, beautiful, etc one is- they still feel the rejection aspect. I am sorry you feel unwanted, but dont stress too much like that, it is normal. I see my ex with his new girl, and he acts like such a better bf with her (so involved, spends every second with her, etc), and it makes me feel terrible. No matter what, I think we all feel like we werent good enough, esp when we see them move on long before we do. Link to post Share on other sites
reimeivn Posted August 22, 2011 Share Posted August 22, 2011 he is nothing special. he is just your first love and he rejected you. you will be fine without him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author calndn Posted August 23, 2011 Author Share Posted August 23, 2011 he is nothing special. he is just your first love and he rejected you. you will be fine without him. I know you've commented on quite a few of my posts and I always agree with everything you say...so thank you. I just wish I was strong enough to believe what you say. I think I'm putting too much pressure on myself to 'get back out there' so to speak and I think I'm missing affection rather than my ex I don't want affection from him I just want to find someone new to have that with. But when I see that he's having that with someone else it's weird and it goddamn hurts. Link to post Share on other sites
broken-and-lost Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 I know you've commented on quite a few of my posts and I always agree with everything you say...so thank you. I just wish I was strong enough to believe what you say. I think I'm putting too much pressure on myself to 'get back out there' so to speak and I think I'm missing affection rather than my ex I don't want affection from him I just want to find someone new to have that with. But when I see that he's having that with someone else it's weird and it goddamn hurts. it does hurt and i feel you pain i see my ex driving around without a care in the world while i'm hurting so bad inside i've met lots of girls since think 5 in last 10 months since my ex broke it off but it doesn't take away any of the pain you are better off allowing yourself time to heal naturally and accepting it's just going to hurt but it has to stop hurting at some point it's what i do i use to throw myself into my work but that's been taken away recently so i find myself trying to occupy my time with other things wash away the pain. Just keep going and try to remember at some point the pain will just stop putting yourself with someone else will not help at all if your still not healed trust me on that one.... Link to post Share on other sites
reimeivn Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 i know how it feels but just fake it until you make it. Link to post Share on other sites
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