Found out he is married...says he'll leave...help!

[CityOne]

I could use some advice... I am fresh out of a five year relationship and met this guy on a train. When I got off, he followed me down the street and asked me for my number. I obliged and he got in touch. He lives in California, I am on the East Coast. After a few emails he told me that he was at the end of his marriage. We met for a drink and he told me that his wife had cheated on him 3 years ago and that he never dealt with it and finally was now. He is in the midst of relocating to the East Coast, already has a job and apt lined up, and gave her an ultimatum prior to meeting me that they had to face their marriage was a wreck. They have been together 15 years, married 11. He is 41, I am 30. He wants kids, she is 37 and can't see having them with her, they do not have kids now. He has thrown himself into his job and travels 75% of the time.

 

VERY stupidly, we spent a week together and basically, as corny as it is, fell in love. He had abstained from sex for 3 years (since his wife cheated) and let's just say, we made up for it. Late night talks where he confessed he married the wrong woman, he knows he must leave her and face his life - everything in the right direction in terms of us. He also expressed he hadn't known happiness like we had together in years.

 

I told him that while it was fantastic to know him and that it was wonderful to be together, I could not see him again until he left his wife. He returns to the East Coast in 4 weeks, so I said that if he wanted to see me, he had one month to let her know that it was over. He accepted and said before his 42nd birthday (late May) he would be single.

 

Well, of course there has to be a pickle to this or I wouldn't be posting! He has been back in California for 2 days and says I am all that he is thinking about. But I am having a really hard time not being able to contact him and wondering if he will really act on his words. He sent me an email saying that he wants to let our intensity settle so he can logically sort out his life and deal with his situation, honestly, it felt a bit distant or confused.

 

I am pretty head over heals for this guy, but not willing to invest anymore of myself unless he is single. What is the next step? Do I give him the month? What is the warning sign to just move on? Do I tell him that I am there for him or let him do this alone?

 

I want to believe everything he says, but this message board and so many others, seems to all say that married men don't leave... although my sister's husband left her for his "other woman" and they now have 3 kids and a happy marriage. I guess I am looking for encouragment or advice. I know I can't handle being the other woman and from what I gather - if you don't lay the law in the beginning it will just keep going. Any words of advice? Thank you in advance.

[Tony T]

"I guess I am looking for encouragment or advice. I know I can't handle being the other woman and from what I gather - if you don't lay the law in the beginning it will just keep going. Any words of advice?"

 

Well, I can't give you much encouragement. Put a time deadline on this which you will not go beyond. There are a lot of complications you may face and you may find he has lied to you quite a lot. For every person who ends up like your sister's husand, there are thousands of heartbreaks.

 

There's nothing really to tell except to be very careful, get to know this guy a lot better, check out his stories, and cross your fingers.

[befuddled11]

I am fresh out of a five year relationship and met this guy on a train. When I got off, he followed me down the street and asked me for my number.

 

Frankly, that's rather creepy on his part. He sees some stranger on a train, though married, and follows her down the street and asks for her #? Sorry, that's creepy in my book.

 

After a few emails he told me that he was at the end of his marriage.

 

How convenient that it took him a "few emails" to tell you the truth (or his version of the truth). If he was a truly "above board" guy, he'd have told you right off the bat.

 

We met for a drink and he told me that his wife had cheated on him 3 years ago and that he never dealt with it and finally was now.

 

Steaming crock of BS #1. How convenient and coincidental that "just now", after meeting you, he's going to deal with it. If they didn't have children together and things were so rotten, what kept him in the marriage? I can see guys using the line of "I stayed for the kids" but this guy doesn't have children. Hmmm.

 

He is in the midst of relocating to the East Coast, already has a job and apt lined up, and gave her an ultimatum prior to meeting me that they had to face their marriage was a wreck. They have been together 15 years, married 11. He is 41, I am 30. He wants kids, she is 37 and can't see having them with her, they do not have kids now. He has thrown himself into his job and travels 75% of the time.

 

Gee, maybe his marriage was a "wreck" because for 75% of his time, he was traveling for work and not putting any time or effort into his marriage.

 

VERY stupidly, we spent a week together and basically, as corny as it is, fell in love. He had abstained from sex for 3 years (since his wife cheated) and let's just say, we made up for it.

 

OMG! You actually *believe* that? That they hadn't had sex for the 3 yrs following her SUPPOSED act of infidelity? Please, don't be naive. It's a common, common line of BS, for MM (married men) to try and make their mistress feel sorry for them by saying they've supposedly lead this "life of a monk" for a significant length of time........I guess it's also supposed to make the mistress "believe" that the marriage mussssst be bad, if they weren't sleeping together, for goodness sake. Crock of steaming BS #2. And by the way, you don't fall in love after a week together. You were newly out of a long term relationship when you met him, he's still IN ONE......what you both felt was lust and infatuation and the adrenaline rush of the excitement of it all. Real love doesn't happen in a week.

 

night talks where he confessed he married the wrong woman, he knows he must leave her and face his life - everything in the right direction in terms of us. He also expressed he hadn't known happiness like we had together in years.

 

Bla bla bla..don't they ALL say that?! Was it before or after you had sex? You don't even know each other well enough for him to say he hadn't known happiness like you 2 had in years. I think that was likely his testosterone talking, no offense. Of course an affair is exciting......it's GOTTA make a man feel like a young horny teenager again...like he's the big stud. Hell, a wife at home and a honey on the side. Yeah, I guess that could make for a lot of happiness. By the way..considering he's travelled for work so much.....what makes you think you're his only pitstop? I'm sure you're not his first "lover"....and you'd be truly naive to believe youre his only one. He's likely got one in different locations. He's obviously very bold, after all...I mean, he followed you off the train and down the street like a common stalker. You think you're the first one he's done this with?

 

 

Well, of course there has to be a pickle to this or I wouldn't be posting! He has been back in California for 2 days and says I am all that he is thinking about. But I am having a really hard time not being able to contact him and wondering if he will really act on his words. He sent me an email saying that he wants to let our intensity settle so he can logically sort out his life and deal with his situation, honestly, it felt a bit distant or confused.

 

There, now that's a surprise, not. Why, if he's so sure that his marriage is a wreck and he wants out, and hasn't had sex with his wife in 3 yrs (thereby apparently living the life of celibacy, well, until you *cough cough*), and has never been happier (than with you), does he need to "sort out his life and deal with the situation, and let the intensity settle"? This my dear, is a cheating dog's M.O. He's stalling. Why? Because talk is cheap. He likely has a very good marriage and has no intention of leaving his wife. It was all just cheap talk to lead you on and get into your pants and life, I'm afraid to say.

 

I'm willing to bet the farm that he's not going to leave his wife. The very vast majority do NOT. But instead, they lead their mistress to believe they will.......just enough to keep her hanging on by a thread, putting her total life on hold for the SOB.

 

Break off all contact with him. No email, no phone calls, no text messages, no nothing. Stand up for yourself and your self esteem and dignity. And by standing up for yourself, which of course he doesn't like, you'll see even more clearly, what he's all about.........and what that is is..........a lying cheater who uses and manipulates women while away from home.

 

For all you know, he's not really moving to the East Coast, and doesn't REALLY have a job lined up there...but if he does, it could be that his WIFE is planning to relocate, also. Remember, you're only hearing his distorted, BS side of the story.

[CITYONE]

Wow, well, thanks for the response. Not for nothing, but he actually does have an apt lined up, I saw it and met the doorman who said things were set up for when he does come. And he actually does have the job - his company has two offices and that's why he was here, meeting w/ the client who's acct he will handle - I saw all the paperwork.

 

I think you could be right on some levels - especially the stalling part. Definitely a situation I hadn't hoped to find myself in.

[justcallmesnug]

Do yourself a huge favor....Read through all of these postings. Some of us with a MM are in emotional hell. DO NOT get attached. They do not leave, and you will pay the price.

[bluechocolate]

Stop all contact and wait until you have proof that he has filed for divorce, then decide where to go.

 

This relationship has started with a deception, some would say of the highest order. On that basis you have no good reason to believe that anything he tells you is the truth. Do you think he's told his wife about you? Of course not. So if you can accept that he would lie to and cheat on his wife, someone he's known a lot longer than you, why would you imagine for one moment that he wouldn't be lying to you?

[reachingskywards]

I agree -- Please read all of the posts here.... Its a difficult game to play with very little chance of getting out unscathed. Even if he does leave his wife do you think it's going to be a smooth transition and that she would let him walk out of her life so easily. No. It's not going to happen like that.

 

I once met a kid who was thinking of using Heroin. He just wanted to use it once to see what it ws like. He thought it would make him feel good and that he knew a few other people who had used it and hadn't been addicted. He was wondering if he would be able to use it and not get hurt. You could well imagine my answer to him.

 

The point is that every drug addict has his first hit and all of us girls here who are suffering have been in that place where you are now... that initial rush of love... the inital thoughts of life together with this guy forever.. he'll leave her and we can live hapily ever after like in the fairy tales0. But the truth is very different. This is a hard hard game to play with few winners (and even the winners carry battle scars).

 

My MM said his wife had an affair. He hadn't had sex in nearly 10 years.. lives in speperate bedrooms...blah blah balh.. he only has feelings for me. We feel totally connected in every way etc etc .. But of course, he hasn't done a thing to change his life with her. He still goes home to her every night after we've made love.

 

Don't get caught up in this game. Please... the longer you are in it the harder it is to leave... My advice is to not get involved. At best -- all you can expect is a long distance relationship and most of those don't work out either.

 

Think with your head and not your heart. Then go out and find someone single.