How To Handle An FWB

[verhrzn]

I met a guy about a month and a half ago, and since then we've been hanging out at least once a week.

 

Right off the bat, when I asked if he'd be interested in dating, he told me he could not handle a romantic relationship right now, but he wouldn't mind doing a Friends with Benefits thing.

 

At the time, I thought I could handle it, and I thought why not, I enjoy making out.

 

However, as we've hung out more, he's started acting in ways that I associate strongly with "boyfriend": wanting to pay for everything, asking me to meet his friends, telling me how compatible we are, talking to me every single day (texts, emails, occasional phone calls), wanting me to spend the night just to cuddle...

 

I think if it's been just physical, I could have handled it, but last night I realized I'd started developing feelings for him. I realized it last night because he texted me that he was going to play video games with a female friend of his... This is the third or fourth time he's gone to hang out with this particular friend since I've known him, whose couch he crashed on because one of their video game episodes ran so late (I know this because he tells me about it.) I've seen this girl's pictures, so I know she is exceptionally hotter than me, AND single.

 

Obviously they're hooking up, and I'm an idiot for assuming he might be starting to like me. (I believed him when he said he wasn't interested, it's just his "boyfriend-y" behavior since left me confused.)

 

I hate myself for being weak and starting to like him. I also kind of hate that he, as a guy, can be so casual... Not just about the physical stuff, but the emotional connection as well. I know it's pointless to confront him about it, that I have only myself to blame... Should I just pull a disappearing act?

 

How can guys do the casual thing? How can I teach myself to handle it? (Because it looks like I'm never gonna have a relationship; friends with benefits is gonna be the best I can get, but obviously I can't go falling for them and ruining it.)

[Pierre]

 

How can guys do the casual thing? How can I teach myself to handle it? (Because it looks like I'm never gonna have a relationship; friends with benefits is gonna be the best I can get, but obviously I can't go falling for them and ruining it.)

 

 

I feel sorry for you. Why do you want to lower your standards?

 

You are hanging out with the wrong crowd. There are plenty of men that want a GF/BF relationship rather than FWB.

 

FWB was designed for men to help men get sex. Initially FWB was known as a "f****k buddy", however most women felt it was demeaning.

 

Men are clever and came up with therm FWB which sounds less insulting. After wards they managed to elevate FWB to some form of highly desirable relationship. Nowadays men ask women to be FWB so they can have sex with the ladies and not have to do any relationship work. IN addition, they are not obligated to be exclusive.

 

 

I think FWB is a brilliant concept that mostly helps men. There are some women that can do FWB, but this is mostly for the guys.

 

I suggest you move out of your current social level.

[SmileFace]

First things first, don't have a FWB relationship. They do not work if you are not capable of seperating lust and love! People usually tell you the truth, I don't care if this guy was laying his jacket on the floor for you to walk over in the rain. He said he doesn't want a relationship - believe that! Don't mix up his words since he decides to treat you nice. Can't be mad at someone for being decent.

 

If you want a fu(k buddy. That is ok. I promise you that is the only way it will work for most. If can't handle ****ing your emotions...DON"T!

 

Now, do not try and understand how to handle it. You are already to far in. If you feel something for this guy. Tell him, if he doesn't feel the same, move on. Do not stick around and cause yourself grief.

 

If you ever want a "FWB" remember your limitations. All this relationship things happening isn't good and you can't handle it. So don't do it.

 

One of my good friends was a FB to me but believe me when I say I wasn't friends with him when he was. He was mearly a fu(k buddy and nothing more. This is what I told people he was - I really don't have much of a filter. I wouldn't dare label us as friends then. Why take a chance of me getting attached. I contacted him when I wanted to fu(k, we acted like a couple during those hours and it was over after. He was always well mannered towards me - I never accepted anything else but no phone calls, unneeded texts and no dinners outside of a pre and post fu(k meals..lol. I don't mean to be crude but just remember your emotions, K. Don't ever stay in something that is one sided.

[Mr. Slim]

Men actually verbally request FWB relationships now? Dating in the 21st century has hit a new low...

[Pierre]

Men actually verbally request FWB relationships now? Dating in the 21st century has hit a new low...

And women feel flattered when they are asked to be in FWB:laugh::laugh:.

 

Men are winning the battle.

[zengirl]

Men actually verbally request FWB relationships now? Dating in the 21st century has hit a new low...

 

Way better to verbally request it than to pretend commitment and not mean it. I'm all for honesty. Let the people who want FWBs have their thing. It's not mine, but I respect people who are honest with what they want and decent about it. It gives those who don't want that the option to stay away from it.

 

To the OP: Now if he's using "play videogames" as a euphemism, I call foul but true, he can hook up with whomever he likes. He should either not mention the girl or be honest about what's happening, though. And there's a chance that girl totally wouldn't hook up with him and he really is going over there, no sex, just "on her hook" (the phenomenon where one person wants someone, but the other person only lets them be an orbiter) so to speak. We really don't know. And none of that matters.

 

What does matter is: He doesn't want to be your BF. Whatever his actions, however nice or whatever, he's said, he doesn't want to be your BF. As SmileFace said, you can't get mad at someone for being nice to you. If you can't do FWB, don't do FWB.

[Pierre]

Way better to verbally request it than to pretend commitment and not mean it. I'm all for honesty. Let the people who want FWBs have their thing. It's not mine, but I respect people who are honest with what they want and decent about it. It gives those who don't want that the option to stay away from it.

 

To the OP: Now if he's using "play videogames" as a euphemism, I call foul but true, he can hook up with whomever he likes. He should either not mention the girl or be honest about what's happening, though. And there's a chance that girl totally wouldn't hook up with him and he really is going over there, no sex, just "on her hook" (the phenomenon where one person wants someone, but the other person only lets them be an orbiter) so to speak. We really don't know. And none of that matters.

 

What does matter is: He doesn't want to be your BF. Whatever his actions, however nice or whatever, he's said, he doesn't want to be your BF. As SmileFace said, you can't get mad at someone for being nice to you. If you can't do FWB, don't do FWB.

 

 

But these women do FWB because men in their circle will never ask for a GF/BF relationship. I think it is kind of sad. It also reflects very poor self esteem.

[SmileFace]

But these women do FWB because men in their circle will never ask for a GF/BF relationship. I think it is kind of sad. It also reflects very poor self esteem.

When you say circle. I am guessing you are reffering to having sex with friends, right?

[zengirl]

But these women do FWB because men in their circle will never ask for a GF/BF relationship. I think it is kind of sad. It also reflects very poor self esteem.

 

Eh, I don't doubt that some do, but I've met some girls -- and you'll even find some on this board -- who are plenty happy to have FWB on their own terms. Sometimes women aren't into relationships either.

[Pierre]

When you say circle. I am guessing you are reffering to having sex with friends, right?

 

By circle I mean socio-economic-educational level.

[Pierre]

Eh, I don't doubt that some do, but I've met some girls -- and you'll even find some on this board -- who are plenty happy to have FWB on their own terms. Sometimes women aren't into relationships either.

Sure, many some women gladly do it. There are exceptions to every rule. Men love women like that. However, other women do it out of rationalization and accepting they cannot have a steady BF.

[Ruby Slippers]

People on this forum are surprisingly old-fashioned about women having sex outside of committed relationships.

 

I just started seeing my FWB from a couple months back again, and it is going great so far.

 

I want a relationship, but have not been meeting any men suitable for relationships. And I got very tired of not having sex, when I'm at my sexual peak.

 

My FWB and I have a sexually exclusive, light and fun only relationship. My only concern is that he might not be able to handle his feelings. I can tell he really likes me, and that was getting in the way last time, which is why I ended it.

 

But he asked for another shot, and told me he understands what the deal is, and will work with the situation as is. We'll see how it goes this time.

 

If you want to try this, don't let a bunch of judgmental strangers stop you.

 

This guy doesn't sound like a good FWB, given the circumstances you have described. But someone else could be a much better fit.

[verhrzn]

Sure, many some women gladly do it. There are exceptions to every rule. Men love women like that. However, other women do it out of rationalization and accepting they cannot have a steady BF.

 

Well that's the thing... I can't find a guy to date. I had another thread about this... absolutely every single guy I've run across wants to do FWB, and the ones who don't want to do FWB aren't interested in me at all. It's been like this for about a year.

 

That's why I wish I could figure out a way to keep my emotions at bay... Cause it looks like FWB is all I'm going to get, and it's better to get SOME needs met than none at all.

 

So how do guys do it?

[SmileFace]

Do not settle for any thing less than you want.This is just silly and will get you hurt. I obvisously have nothing against them but I will never settle for anything less than what I want when I want it. If you want a relationship, keep looking for one.

[verhrzn]

This guy doesn't sound like a good FWB, given the circumstances you have described. But someone else could be a much better fit.

 

What would you describe as a good FWB, and why isn't this guy measuring up in your opinion? I HAVE been able to do it in the past, so long as I am a total b*tch; meaning, I don't care about the guy's feelings outside of the bedroom at all. It seems any time I try to be a considerate person, I end up developing feelings. Is it at all similar for you?

[Ruby Slippers]

So how do guys do it?

I don't know how guys do it, but I know how I do.

 

Basically, it's an exercise in being very zen and in the moment. Accept that whatever you enjoy with this guy is for this moment only. Don't worry or wonder about the future. Just enjoy what you have with him now. And this is a smart way to live all the time.

 

With my guy, I recognize that he is not relationship material for me, for a couple of reasons. He understands this, too. I have been totally open and honest about everything.

 

But I also recognize that we have a lot to offer each other as people, even if we are not in a conventional relationship -- not only sexually, but also intellectually. When we get together, we have sex, but we also hang out and have great conversation. Because we are not trying to impress each other as marriage material, we can be totally honest, which is priceless.

 

I also think it helps if you are not more into the guy than he is you. In my case, the guy definitely seems to be a little more into me, and this feels a lot safer and more manageable to me.

[somedude81]

It really doesn't sound like getting a FWB is good for you verhrzn.

 

I don't have a clue why you can't find a relationship but I don't think you should settle for sex only. All you'd be doing is enabling men so they can get exactly what they want.

 

It's better to get SOME needs met than none at all.

 

So how do guys do it?

Eh, the men who aren't able to get women don't get any of their needs met at all.

 

It's really upsetting not having had sex for years and then hearing about other guys who are getting laid and actually have other girls who are considering getting into sex only things with those guys.

 

Men who want relationships are out there.

[Richard Friedman]

It's a matter of biology. Women aren't capable of everything men are vice versa(although there can be overlap between the right side of one bell curve and the left end of the other, for those who've studies stats). Sure you'll find some woman body builders who're as strong or stronger than 90% males, but will the average woman be able to put on muscle or lift weight like a man? No chance, despite whatever the betty friedans and steinems say. I can't think of anything that'll let you be "as casual as a man" except maybe injecting testosterone. It's something woman have to deal with, just like men who are walking hardons but cant get laid to save their lives.

[Pierre]

 

I want a relationship, but have not been meeting any men suitable for relationships. And I got very tired of not having sex, when I'm at my sexual peak.

 

My FWB and I have a sexually exclusive, light and fun only relationship. My only concern is that he might not be able to handle his feelings. I can tell he really likes me, and that was getting in the way last time, which is why I ended it.

 

But he asked for another shot, and told me he understands what the deal

 

You have basically admitted you are using FWB because you cannot have a GF/BF with the right guy. You are making my point. The only difference is that you rationalize better than others.

[Ruby Slippers]

What would you describe as a good FWB, and why isn't this guy measuring up in your opinion? I HAVE been able to do it in the past, so long as I am a total b*tch; meaning, I don't care about the guy's feelings outside of the bedroom at all. It seems any time I try to be a considerate person, I end up developing feelings. Is it at all similar for you?

This guy isn't up to par for a couple of reasons, but I'd rather not discuss those here. They are things he could change if he wanted to.

 

He asked me out, and on the first date, I figured out he wasn't boyfriend material. But I was attracted to him and thought he was very sexy, fun, and sweet, so I asked him if he wanted to be FWB. (Not using that particular label, but that was the idea.)

 

I get the impression that, like me, he's never really done anything like this before. So I guess I would say that men who don't have a lot of experience with this are good candidates -- for me, at least.

 

I've never been bitchy to him. In fact, he's been asking me for career and other advice. He admitted during our little reconciliation talk that he felt some strong feelings of jealousy and envy for me, given that I am running a thriving startup business and am "very successful" (according to him). He said things have been hard for him lately, and he feels like a loser in comparison and is frustrated.

 

He's 9 years younger than me, so I have definitely been able to offer him some good advice that he can use. What he does with it is up to him.

 

I'm not saying it's always going to be easy. He was sitting on my couch last night after some great sex, and we were talking about politics and big subjects. And he was just gorgeous and magnetic, in our post-orgasmic glow. And briefly, in my mind, I went to all kinds of places with him. But this was just a nice little daydream. Then he came over and started kissing me, and commented on how much fun this was. I made some flirty, sexy comment, and he said, "Yeah, the sex is amazing. But it's much more than that."

 

But we wrapped things up and said good night. He told me he would like to contact me every day, and see me often, but he will wait to hear from me, so as not to put any pressure on me. He basically said he will be there for me when I want him, and will do his best to keep it light and in the moment.

 

Like I said, we'll see how it goes.

[Ruby Slippers]

Men who want relationships are out there.

Not men that I want a relationship with -- at least, I haven't found anyone who fits that description in the past 3 years.

 

You have basically admitted you are using FWB because you cannot have a GF/BF with the right guy. You are making my point. The only difference is that you rationalize better than others.

Yes, I did admit that. But I don't agree that I'm making your point.

 

To me, it's self-hating to deprive yourself of all the pleasures of male-female contact just because you are not meeting suitable long-term relationship material. ALL my single female friends are struggling to meet suitable men for relationships. I think it's a sign of the times. My friends kick major butt. They are smart, beautiful, successful women. We all keep meeting men who are not on our level. But we are all in the vicinity of our sexual peak and are not shy about the fact that we love and want good sex.

 

For the record, pretty much all my female friends had numerous casual sex relationships in their 20s. I never did that, because I was always in long-term relationships, focused on something lasting. I am really enjoying the experience, and learning a lot from it.

[amymarieca]

I've discovered from past experience that men will say pretty much anything to get you to keep sleeping with them. It seems like that's what this guy is doing. Men say a lot of things they don't mean, so don't take what he says to mean that he wants to get serious with you.

[Pierre]

Not men that I want a relationship with -- at least, I haven't found anyone who fits that description in the past 3 years.

 

 

Yes, I did admit that. But I don't agree that I'm making your point.

 

To me, it's self-hating to deprive yourself of all the pleasures of male-female contact just because you are not meeting suitable long-term relationship material. ALL my single female friends are struggling to meet suitable men for relationships. I think it's a sign of the times. My friends kick major butt. They are smart, beautiful, successful women. We all keep meeting men who are not on our level. But we are all in the vicinity of our sexual peak and are not shy about the fact that we love and want good sex.

 

For the record, pretty much all my female friends had numerous casual sex relationships in their 20s. I never did that, because I was always in long-term relationships, focused on something lasting. I am really enjoying the experience, and learning a lot from it.

 

Ruby, you are doing quite well. However, I will play devil's advocate.

 

Casual sex is great, but at some point sex in a vacuum is not fun anymore and you would likely trade that for sex with the elusive Mr. Right.

 

As to why Mr Right is so hard to find:

 

Mr. Right has figured out that he does not need to be Mr. Right to get women to put out.

[verhrzn]

Eh, the men who aren't able to get women don't get any of their needs met at all.

 

It's really upsetting not having had sex for years and then hearing about other guys who are getting laid and actually have other girls who are considering getting into sex only things with those guys.

 

Men who want relationships are out there.

 

Maybe those men want relationships, but they don't want relationships with ME. And I guarantee that if I asked this FWB guy, he'd say he DOES want a relationship, he just "isn't ready" or "hasn't found the right girl." It seems like every guy wants a relationship... but they aren't satisfied with the girls around them.

 

And don't you dare turn this thread into a "poor guys who can't get sex!" I've said it before and I'll say it again... lower your standards for a sex partner and be sure to avoid giving off the impression of desperation, and you CAN get sex.

[MrNate]

It's not worth beating yourself up over. You have to realize the day and age we live in. The perks you get from a purely sexual relationship are seeming to close gaps with the ones you get from a relationship/marriage.

 

So why the need to invest in a commitment, when you can get most of them satisfied without one? After all, there is less work involved. Relationships and marriages will only continue to decline in the future, as our needs as human beings continually find ways to get their needs met without one.

 

So don't get upset, but just remember, you're playing against increasing odds. Does that spell doom and gloom? Nope. Just be prepared for the journey.