How To Handle An FWB

[Pierre]

 

For instance, it's my belief that if you're dating someone exclusively, you should be keeping them satisfied, meaning making an effort sexually even if you're not in the mood. An FWB does not get that benefit... He gets physical affection when I feel like it, and only then.

 

Oh no!!!!! You get a mercy f****k from your GF even if she is not in the mood. OTOH, when GF has sex with the FWB she is REALLY horny.

 

Hmm, maybe FWB is the way to go.:p

 

Seriously, I think you and Ruby are looking at sex from a purely biological point of view. IN other words people get periodically horny which is quite natural.

 

One would think that a relationship drives that horny state to a higher level (at least at the onset).

[ptp]

Oh no!!!!! You get a mercy f****k from your GF even if she is not in the mood. OTOH, when GF has sex with the FWB she is REALLY horny.

 

Hmm, maybe FWB is the way to go.:p

 

Seriously, I think you and Ruby are looking at sex from a purely biological point of view. IN other words people get periodically horny which is quite natural.

 

One would think that a relationship drives that horny state to a higher level (at least at the onset).

 

Periodically? Really? I don't know about you but for me that is daily.

[snug.bunny]

A fully functioning robot is just around the corner. The advance in robotics nowadays is impressive.

 

I'm sure Spock would find that fascinating.

 

Hehee.

[Pierre]

Periodically? Really? I don't know about you but for me that is daily.

And if you are 20 that is hourly.:laugh::laugh:

[zengirl]

Oh no!!!!! You get a mercy f****k from your GF even if she is not in the mood. OTOH, when GF has sex with the FWB she is REALLY horny.

 

Hmm, maybe FWB is the way to go.:p

 

Wow, that does seriously sound pretty crappy.

 

Personally, if I'm really not in the mood to have sex . . . I don't have sex. I never thought a guy wanted a pity/mercy/obligation screw. (This is assuming we're not talking a dry marriage where he's going bonkers or something---I wouldn't do that dynamic either. But some days, you just aren't in the mood.)

 

I don't really get the notion of "perks" and "getting" though. Relationships are about sharing and building, not what the person "gets" in return for their sex/exclusivity/whatever.

[ptp]

And if you are 20 that is hourly.:laugh::laugh:

 

 

lets put it this way, I take full advantage of BF status.

 

She's not in the mood? Well I am going to get her in the mood. Sleep? we don't need no stinkin sleep.

 

Unless she is sick or injured it is go time.

[verhrzn]

Oh no!!!!! You get a mercy f****k from your GF even if she is not in the mood. OTOH, when GF has sex with the FWB she is REALLY horny.

 

Hmm, maybe FWB is the way to go.:p

 

Seriously, I think you and Ruby are looking at sex from a purely biological point of view. IN other words people get periodically horny which is quite natural.

 

One would think that a relationship drives that horny state to a higher level (at least at the onset).

 

I read Savage Love daily, and the overwhelming opinion is that if you demand a monogamous commitment from your boyfriend, then you better keep him satisfied... If you're being all "*sigh* FINE, I guess we'll have sex" then yeah, that's not gonna be very satisfying for him. However, if you say "I'm not really in the mood for sex... how about a nice bj?" or you say "I've been feeling off today, but I'll happily give you a hand job while we enjoy some porn!" I think the guy who be quite happy... Or are you saying guys are only pleased with sex when their girlfriend is NOT DOING IT AT ALL for their pleasure? Even if that means she's only in the mood once a month?

 

And way to ignore those parts are "exclusivity" and "commitment." I guess cause sex is all that matters, right? Forget that being a BF means the girl will support you, sexually AND emotionally, will not even consider sleeping around....

 

A FWB is just someone she can use and discard. Didn't you read my original post... that my whole issue is that I can no longer just use and discard this guy? That now I actually care about how he feels? And that it's BECAUSE emotions have become involved for me that I'm considering just pulling a "run and hide"? A BF gets me mind, body and soul... An FWB is lucky if he gets my body, and even then, as soon as the mind/soul becomes involved, it's time to escape. Is that really desirable to the males on this board who are lamenting they can't get sex? They WANT to be this guy, who is causing me emotionally torment, they want to be used and thrown away?

[2011aug]

Oh no!!!!! You get a mercy f****k from your GF even if she is not in the mood. OTOH, when GF has sex with the FWB she is REALLY horny.

 

Sex when she's really horny. Yea! That's one of the best type. Wouldn't it be great to have a few FWB available (just in case)?

[zengirl]

I read Savage Love daily, and the overwhelming opinion is that if you demand a monogamous commitment from your boyfriend, then you better keep him satisfied... If you're being all "*sigh* FINE, I guess we'll have sex" then yeah, that's not gonna be very satisfying for him. However, if you say "I'm not really in the mood for sex... how about a nice bj?" or you say "I've been feeling off today, but I'll happily give you a hand job while we enjoy some porn!" I think the guy who be quite happy... Or are you saying guys are only pleased with sex when their girlfriend is NOT DOING IT AT ALL for their pleasure? Even if that means she's only in the mood once a month?

 

And way to ignore those parts are "exclusivity" and "commitment." I guess cause sex is all that matters, right? Forget that being a BF means the girl will support you, sexually AND emotionally, will not even consider sleeping around....

 

A FWB is just someone she can use and discard. Didn't you read my original post... that my whole issue is that I can no longer just use and discard this guy? That now I actually care about how he feels? And that it's BECAUSE emotions have become involved for me that I'm considering just pulling a "run and hide"? A BF gets me mind, body and soul... An FWB is lucky if he gets my body, and even then, as soon as the mind/soul becomes involved, it's time to escape. Is that really desirable to the males on this board who are lamenting they can't get sex? They WANT to be this guy, who is causing me emotionally torment, they want to be used and thrown away?

 

Savage Love is about being Good, Giving, and Game (and while I don't agree with his rather extreme views on many things, I don't think his ideas are all bad, and he actually makes interesting points on occasion). And part of being game is about being "up for it." And part of being good, if on occasion, your partner isn't up for it, but is overall very happy to provide what you need, being cool with that.

 

I don't think guys generally want a girl to have obligation sex with them. They want a girl who WANTS them and takes equal enjoyment from frequent sex and similar sexual stuff that he likes, generally (unless he has issues with what he likes and would dislike her for liking the same thing out of some weird shame complex). And I think most guys I know want a girl who's comfortable and assertive enough that, if she's not up for it once and awhile, she just says so. Provided she's not being disrespectful or withholding in any way.

 

P.S. No one should "demand" monogamy. They should choose it, together.

[verhrzn]

I don't think guys generally want a girl to have obligation sex with them. They want a girl who WANTS them and takes equal enjoyment from frequent sex and similar sexual stuff that he likes, generally (unless he has issues with what he likes and would dislike her for liking the same thing out of some weird shame complex). And I think most guys I know want a girl who's comfortable and assertive enough that, if she's not up for it once and awhile, she just says so. Provided she's not being disrespectful or withholding in any way.

 

P.S. No one should "demand" monogamy. They should choose it, together.

 

I don't necessarily disagree about guys wanting girls who enjoy sex with them.. obviously! But I think a girlfriend who tries to happily see to his needs even when she isn't necessarily interested ("I don't feel like sex but I'd love to go down on you!") is better than a girlfriend who looks only to her own needs ("I don't feel like it, and as such you ain't gettin ANY.")

 

Granted, I think this is a philosophy for a very long term relationship... married for years, that sort of thing, when complacency is starting to set in... There is some truth to the stereotype that long time married woman just stop wanting sex all that often (note I said, SOME truth.) I think in an ideal relationship, the girl will always be willing to help the guy out somehow, even when she's not in the mood, and the guy will always be willing to back off if he is.

 

As far as couples deciding on monogamy... Yeah, I agree couples should decide that together, but in my generation, there seem to be less and less people who put a premium on being exclusive. Maybe it's because I hang out in the nerdier circles, which are less traditional overall anyway, but open/open-ish/poly relationships far outnumber the monogamous ones.

 

It's part of why I figure a FWB is gonna be my best bet at having any of my sexual needs met... Guys my age (26-30ish) are becoming more and more unwilling to enter into a relationship unless the girl is SPECULAR AMAZING THEY'RE NEVER GONNA GET BETTER. Seems to be moving towards that being the norm....

[ptp]

As far as couples deciding on monogamy... Yeah, I agree couples should decide that together, but in my generation, there seem to be less and less people who put a premium on being exclusive. Maybe it's because I hang out in the nerdier circles, which are less traditional overall anyway, but open/open-ish/poly relationships far outnumber the monogamous ones.

 

It's part of why I figure a FWB is gonna be my best bet at having any of my sexual needs met... Guys my age (26-30ish) are becoming more and more unwilling to enter into a relationship unless the girl is SPECULAR AMAZING THEY'RE NEVER GONNA GET BETTER. Seems to be moving towards that being the norm....

 

 

Seriously you need to drop the "woe is me act". I am in your age group and unless your are walking the halls of MIT I am as nerdy as they come. I have no problem being in a monogamous relationship. If you don't want or can't handle FWB, then don't. Its okay to be single for a while.

[zengirl]

As far as couples deciding on monogamy... Yeah, I agree couples should decide that together, but in my generation, there seem to be less and less people who put a premium on being exclusive. Maybe it's because I hang out in the nerdier circles, which are less traditional overall anyway, but open/open-ish/poly relationships far outnumber the monogamous ones.

 

It's part of why I figure a FWB is gonna be my best bet at having any of my sexual needs met... Guys my age (26-30ish) are becoming more and more unwilling to enter into a relationship unless the girl is SPECULAR AMAZING THEY'RE NEVER GONNA GET BETTER. Seems to be moving towards that being the norm....

 

I'm nearly 27, so same age range. Never had that problem with guys. Perhaps you're choosing the wrong men.

 

(Oh, and I'm nerdy too. Totally nerdy.)

[verhrzn]

Seriously you need to drop the "woe is me act". I am in your age group and unless your are walking the halls of MIT I am as nerdy as they come. I have no problem being in a monogamous relationship. If you don't want or can't handle FWB, then don't. Its okay to be single for a while.

 

I'm not trying to be all "woe is me," I'm just trying to state my experiences, which is that I have not found a single guy who wants to date me in a year, and it's seeming that Friends with Benefits is gonna be my only option. And yet, I can't seem to handle FWB, which pisses me off because then I'm out of options. If YOU were out of options, wouldn't you be pissed off as well?

 

I'm nearly 27, so same age range. Never had that problem with guys. Perhaps you're choosing the wrong men.

 

(Oh, and I'm nerdy too. Totally nerdy.)

 

Maybe we need to define "nerdy," since we seem to be running into such different experiences. (Also, I've heard people describe themselves as "nerdy" because they've played like one video game, or because they're super into True Blood or something, and those are not the types of nerds I run with.)

[zengirl]

Maybe we need to define "nerdy," since we seem to be running into such different experiences. (Also, I've heard people describe themselves as "nerdy" because they've played like one video game, or because they're super into True Blood or something, and those are not the types of nerds I run with.)

 

Smart/nerdy stuff: I was in Gifted programs as a kid, am working on a PhD, and remember endless amounts of trivial details. I also like doing things like crosswords and logic puzzles for fun, and I read faster than anyone I know to the point where people compare me to "Data."

 

I'm nerdy in other ways. I like comic books, RPG video games (not a huge gamer any more), I've dressed up for Comicon, I read several sci fi and fantasy series (really nerdy ones), I love museums and any kind of learning activity, and so on. I'm sure there are other ways I'm nerdy. Trust me: I'm nerdy.

 

ALL the guys I'd date are nerds. My current BF does calculus for fun. And I restrict myself to cute nerds as well, and do just fine.

 

Not sure what your definition is, though.

[verhrzn]

Smart/nerdy stuff: I was in Gifted programs as a kid, am working on a PhD, and remember endless amounts of trivial details. I also like doing things like crosswords and logic puzzles for fun, and I read faster than anyone I know to the point where people compare me to "Data."

 

I'm nerdy in other ways. I like comic books, RPG video games (not a huge gamer any more), I've dressed up for Comicon, I read several sci fi and fantasy series (really nerdy ones), I love museums and any kind of learning activity, and so on. I'm sure there are other ways I'm nerdy. Trust me: I'm nerdy.

 

ALL the guys I'd date are nerds. My current BF does calculus for fun. And I restrict myself to cute nerds as well, and do just fine.

 

Not sure what your definition is, though.

 

Well I think it falls into "types" of nerd. You sound like Smart Nerdy, with perhaps a dash of Pop Nerdy. I think of "pop nerdy" as nerds whose lives revolve around cons, who are really versed in movie/TV nerd culture (knows the ENTIRE "Dr. Horrible Sing Along Blog" commentary by heart, for example.)

 

I'm not really Smart Nerdy myself... can't do math, don't have much of a brain for useful trivia or facts, just ridiculous pop-culture references or ridiculously random things. I and my friends are more the Gamer/Pop Nerds.

 

So perhaps it's the TYPE of nerdy social circle we move in that defines our experiences. Honestly, I'm not surprised if Smart Nerds, such as yourself and your boyfriends, have a better time of it... You probably don't experience the crushing social dysfunctions that nerds are usually associated with in a large degree comparably... I've observed that people who have success in one area generally find success in other areas of life. My social circle generally have their lives figured out only to a certain degree... working decent jobs, but not ones they love, for example... and have some psychological/social issues that really hamper progress, BUT we don't have anywhere near the issues that, say, stereotypical Anime Nerds suffer from.

 

... Really, I wish I could write a thesis on "nerd" culture, it's a very fascinating topic once you start compiling observations.

[somedude81]

Well I think it falls into "types" of nerd. You sound like Smart Nerdy, with perhaps a dash of Pop Nerdy. I think of "pop nerdy" as nerds whose lives revolve around cons, who are really versed in movie/TV nerd culture (knows the ENTIRE "Dr. Horrible Sing Along Blog" commentary by heart, for example.)

 

I'm not really Smart Nerdy myself... can't do math, don't have much of a brain for useful trivia or facts, just ridiculous pop-culture references or ridiculously random things. I and my friends are more the Gamer/Pop Nerds.

 

So perhaps it's the TYPE of nerdy social circle we move in that defines our experiences. Honestly, I'm not surprised if Smart Nerds, such as yourself and your boyfriends, have a better time of it... You probably don't experience the crushing social dysfunctions that nerds are usually associated with in a large degree comparably... I've observed that people who have success in one area generally find success in other areas of life. My social circle generally have their lives figured out only to a certain degree... working decent jobs, but not ones they love, for example... and have some psychological/social issues that really hamper progress, BUT we don't have anywhere near the issues that, say, stereotypical Anime Nerds suffer from.

 

... Really, I wish I could write a thesis on "nerd" culture, it's a very fascinating topic once you start compiling observations.

Hey! Watch what you say about anime nerds. I happen to love anime

 

I take it you're more into western comics? You game at all?

 

BTW, I think I asked you this before but what part of the country you in?

 

I still think that getting into a FWB is not a good idea. You deserve better.

[zengirl]

Well I think it falls into "types" of nerd. You sound like Smart Nerdy, with perhaps a dash of Pop Nerdy. I think of "pop nerdy" as nerds whose lives revolve around cons, who are really versed in movie/TV nerd culture (knows the ENTIRE "Dr. Horrible Sing Along Blog" commentary by heart, for example.)

 

I'm not really Smart Nerdy myself... can't do math, don't have much of a brain for useful trivia or facts, just ridiculous pop-culture references or ridiculously random things. I and my friends are more the Gamer/Pop Nerds.

 

So perhaps it's the TYPE of nerdy social circle we move in that defines our experiences. Honestly, I'm not surprised if Smart Nerds, such as yourself and your boyfriends, have a better time of it... You probably don't experience the crushing social dysfunctions that nerds are usually associated with in a large degree comparably... I've observed that people who have success in one area generally find success in other areas of life. My social circle generally have their lives figured out only to a certain degree... working decent jobs, but not ones they love, for example... and have some psychological/social issues that really hamper progress, BUT we don't have anywhere near the issues that, say, stereotypical Anime Nerds suffer from.

 

... Really, I wish I could write a thesis on "nerd" culture, it's a very fascinating topic once you start compiling observations.

 

(a) I am smart, yes, but my BF is a gamer. And I was before. So I'm not sure I'm not also a gamer/pop nerd type person. I would say my friends are also into nerdy pop culture in addition to being intelligent to various degrees. They don't all do calculus for fun, but they're all smart about something. And yes I know all of Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog commentary by heart. I also know the lines to every episode of Firefly and most of the commentary. Trust me, I'm pop nerdy too. I balance it with other things, likely --- I've traveled the world, I am an extrovert who loves people, I have a good career, I am very social and have lots of additional interests, etc, but I probably have a lot of the same interests and reference points you do.

 

(b) Hey, I like anime!

 

© Success does breed success, I'll agree with that. But why are you looking to date people with psychological/social issues. If you have some yourself, just overcome them.

[ptp]

I'm not trying to be all "woe is me," I'm just trying to state my experiences, which is that I have not found a single guy who wants to date me in a year, and it's seeming that Friends with Benefits is gonna be my only option. And yet, I can't seem to handle FWB, which pisses me off because then I'm out of options. If YOU were out of options, wouldn't you be pissed off as well?

 

I am sorry I didn't mean to be rude. I just have a hard time empathizing with you at all. Maybe because I am a male but, I empathize more with somedude.

That is a much tougher position to be in. I have been in that position. Between LTRs I have gone a long time without female affection. If I had known this FBW thing actually works I would have taken part:laugh:.

 

Your situation seem to be in an okay but, not bad position and solution is very clear. Either you can handle a FWB situation or you can't. Right now it seems like you can't.

 

I am sure there are plenty of guys who would love to take you out and be your BF. Take your lumps suck it up and find some like that. Don't put yourself in a situation where you are very likely to get hurt.

[zengirl]

(a) I am smart, yes, but my BF is a gamer. And I was before. So I'm not sure I'm not also a gamer/pop nerd type person. I would say my friends are also into nerdy pop culture in addition to being intelligent to various degrees. They don't all do calculus for fun, but they're all smart about something. And yes I know all of Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog commentary by heart. I also know the lines to every episode of Firefly and most of the commentary. Trust me, I'm pop nerdy too. I balance it with other things, likely --- I've traveled the world, I am an extrovert who loves people, I have a good career, I am very social and have lots of additional interests, etc, but I probably have a lot of the same interests and reference points you do.

 

(b) Hey, I like anime!

 

© Success does breed success, I'll agree with that. But why are you looking to date people with psychological/social issues. If you have some yourself, just overcome them.

 

P.S. "Nobody's Asian in the Movies" is perhaps one of my favorite songs of all time. That's like my chant. (I'm half-Asian.) /Doctor Horrible Reference

[verhrzn]

Hey! Watch what you say about anime nerds. I happen to love anime

 

I take it you're more into western comics? You game at all?

 

BTW, I think I asked you this before but what part of the country you in?

 

I still think that getting into a FWB is not a good idea. You deserve better.

 

Hey I like some anime too, and I've flirted with being a Japanophile. I was a Japanese minor in school, listed "sushi" as one of my favorite foods and used to go around thinking I was so awesome for appreciating this ancient and amazing culture.

 

Then I lived in Japan for a year and got my head on straight.

 

There's a difference between enjoying anime/Japanese culture and, say, going to the mall dressed as Sephiroth, insisting on calling everyone -kun or -chan, and honestly believing that every anime ever is better than any Western product ever just by virtue of it being JAPANESE ANIME OMG. THOSE are the Anime Nerds I am referring to.

 

I game some, and I live in the Midwest.

[zengirl]

There's a difference between enjoying anime/Japanese culture and, say, going to the mall dressed as Sephiroth, insisting on calling everyone -kun or -chan, and honestly believing that every anime ever is better than any Western product ever just by virtue of it being JAPANESE ANIME OMG. THOSE are the Anime Nerds I am referring to.

 

Oh, well, that's just annoying. Those guys would never even be my friends because I'd feel fetishized if they were that into Japanese stuff.

 

Though true Japanese Anime Nerdboys are adorable sometimes. I dated a couple of those (briefly, no relationships) when living in Japan.

[somedude81]

Heh, yeah those anime nerds are a bit extreme.

 

I wonder how living in Japan straightened you out. I've always wanted to go to Japan. I'll make it there someday. One thing I'm sure of is that it's not some kind of paradise like American nerds make it out to be.

 

Shame about you being in the Midwest

[Professor X]

I game some

Made me curious, what do you game? Anything Blizzard related?

[Ruby Slippers]

Well, I just got home from a great, intense workout at the gym and some relaxed afternoon errands. After last night, I have felt like a sex bomb all day, and I think it's showing, because today it seems like the whole world wants to check me out, flirt with me, and be nice to me. AND I got a new client and new big contract today, putting me within $200 of the monthly revenue goal my business partner and I set -- and the month is only halfway over. I feel confident, sexy, pretty, successful, and magnetic.

 

I also feel quite thankful to this sweet guy for sexin' me up so well last night and bringing on this awesome wave of good energy -- and I will thank him amply next time I see him.

[Pierre]

Well, I just got home from a great, intense workout at the gym and some relaxed afternoon errands. After last night, I have felt like a sex bomb all day, and I think it's showing, because today it seems like the whole world wants to check me out, flirt with me, and be nice to me. AND I got a new client and new big contract today, putting me within $200 of the monthly revenue goal my business partner and I set -- and the month is only halfway over. I feel confident, sexy, pretty, successful, and magnetic.

 

I also feel quite thankful to this sweet guy for sexin' me up so well last night and bringing on this awesome wave of good energy -- and I will thank him amply next time I see him.

 

Ruby:

 

I am glad life is good.

 

:)