She cheated

[Lasttry]

My fiancee cheated on me.

 

I'm 27 and am a long-term relationship type of person.

 

I'm currently out of the country on business for an extended time (it has been 3 weeks since we last saw each other). We talk every day through IM and Skype.

 

She got black-out drunk at a house party she threw for just a few friends and invited a guy she had known for awhile but had never personally met. When she came to in the morning, she was naked in bed with this guy.

 

She called me as soon as she was certain of what happened to tell me about it. I am devastated. She has said it meant nothing, she didn't understand how it could happen because she is happy with me. I asked her if there was a problem she wasn't telling me about and she claims I've done nothing wrong. She said she felt sick and has been insulting herself since telling me. I've fought with depression for more than half of my life and she helped me break out of it but I can feel myself sliding back into it now.

 

I want to forgive her for what she did and move on but I'm having a hard time getting past it. I've refrained from hurling my own insults at her. I still love her very much and I want this relationship to work.

 

We had a long distance relationship for almost a year and a half before we moved in together. Nothing like this happened in that time. Since I left for my trip, she's been drinking more and more and we talked about her curbing this before the ultimate culmination of what just recently happened.

 

I trusted her implicitly until now. I want to trust her when she says it will never happen again but... Should I? I've been hurt, and hurt bad, in the past. I thought this woman was my soul-mate and I never believed in such a thing until I met her.

 

I've never been in this situation before and, if this doesn't work out, I don't think I could put myself into a position for something like this to happen again.

 

How can I get over this? My mind keeps trying to reconstruct the events that led up to the indiscretion but even my fiancee doesn't know what happened first-hand. The other guy said they didn't have sex but that "they did other things". She defended him by saying he didn't take advantage of her because he had been drinking too, but he perfectly remembered everything that happened. She's not interested in him and, soon, he'll be 600 miles away.

 

Does anyone have any advice for me before I continue rambling? I feel broken and this is taking up too much of my thoughts for me to handle on my own.

Edited August 15, 2011 by Lasttry

[TBH]

well i dont condone cheating of course.

personally i always remember everything when i've been drinking but some people genuinely do not. i've also seen many people behave in a way they never ever would when sober.

 

so i think i see it this way..

 

people do make mistakes, and this wasnt exactly an affair.

she is mortified by what happened and told you straight away.

 

if she is drinking more and more recently because she is lonely this is most likely the problem. she needs to realise that mainly drinking led her to do what she did. she needs to stop.

being without you for extended periods of time must be hard and i'm sure it is for you too.

 

if she agrees to knock the booze on the head, and has never given you a reason in the past to be nervous or suspicious then if you can find it in you to try to move on, forgive her, or at least have a good go at it.

 

I know it was wrong and i would be devastated if my H did this to me, its all so easy for people to comment on this when they're not going through it, it just sounds like you have a good thing there and it genuinely was a mistake which (hopefully) wont happen again.

[TBH]

also be aware that there is maybe a chance they didnt actually get up to anything. it is only the guy's word which said they did.

he certainly wouldnt have been the first guy to try and take advantage of a woman while she was practically comatose.

 

so yeah, the drinking needs to stop. if you get so bad you dont even know what you're doing then that is bad news

[nyc_guy2003]

I think bj's are actually a worse form of cheating because with sex it's being done to her, whereas with a bj she is proactively doing it to him.

[Lobster29]

I would take some 'comfort' in the fact that she told you, and straight away.

 

I hate cheating and cheaters but I have cheated in the past on someone I loved deeply. I felt sick to my stomach after and knew I had to tell him straight away. Even I it meant losing him.

 

He forgave me and we later split up for another reason. But I guess if I am honest, things couldn't have been perfect for me to consciously do it (not full sex, fooling about and kissing). I wasn't drunk tho, but I don't think drinking is an excuse.

[John Michael Kane]

She cheated? Then drop her.

[Lasttry]

Thanks TBH. I really want to forgive her. The biggest problem I'm having now is that my business trip is going to be long term and she is moving in a week to be with me. She's moving away from all of her friends to be with me and the only people she'll know here are my friends. So, I have nobody else to talk to about this because I don't want any of them looking at her that way.

 

She told me the only thing she can think of as to why it happened was that she was lonely. We used to have "phone sex" but that has curbed off because she gets depressed that it isn't nearly as good as real sex.

 

NYC_Guy: That was my thought too... I've had friends that that happened to. But, my fiancee doesn't know if she gave him a BJ or what exactly happened. She didn't remember and didn't ask what exactly happened. She suffers from extreme dizziness and is medicated for it. We have never had sex drunk because of this problem. So I have a hard time believing that while she was that drunk, she would have been able to make the motions for a BJ.

 

Lobster: It's good to hear that other people have been in this situation and have managed to move past it. I don't think drinking is an excuse either but, like I said to her, when we get -THAT- drunk, we aren't really ourselves anymore.

 

John: Thank you for your advice. I've been back and forth on what to do. This is the first person in over a decade that has made me happy though and I just have a hard time imagining a life without her. My first reaction was to do just this, though.

[Memphis Raines]

Does anyone have any advice for me before I continue rambling? I feel broken and this is taking up too much of my thoughts for me to handle on my own.

 

this is exactly the reason I advise to never stay with a cheater.

 

there is a better life for you out there. loving someone that didn't love you enough to keep from screwing around with someone else doesn't make a whole lot of sense. afterall, why love someone that would do that to you?

 

anyway, will you get over it? never completely because you will never forget. and what kind of life is living with someone you have to look at once in a while and see "cheater" stamped across her forehead. or maybe you don't see that, but will look at her once in a while and have at least a little bit of contempt for her.

 

so why do that to yourself? treat yourself well, get rid of her, and find someone who knows how to keep her legs closed to other men.

[Lobster29]

Even though I did it and I wasn't drunk....it may be pathetic to say that it meant nothing and did not change how I felt about my then bf. It's hard to explain. You do need to be careful how you react tho! I failed to mention I kissed this guy again about a week later!! Maybe it didn't sink in what I did or I realised my then bf had accepted it too well and went too easy on me!

 

If this stays a one off then I would stay with her. If it happens again...bye bye.

[Chi townD]

Well, I think I'm going to play devil's advocate here. But, while it was good that she told you straight away, sounds like she might have been doing damage control. Telling you before anyone else does. And how convenient that she can't remember anything, therefore, anything anyone tells you that lead up to being in bed with this guy....i.e. making out with this guy in a dark corner....well, she doesn't remember. Cheaters, even when they admitted it, tend to play it down as much as possible to make it seem that it is less than what it is.

 

Balls in your court; however, I would demand that she gets check for STD's and also a pregnancy test. If she doesn't remember sleeping with this guy, there's no way she would know if protection was used or not.

 

Another thing too, if the shoe was on the other foot, do you think she would be so forgiving?

[Lasttry]

Chi TownD: That's what bothers me. Since I've been on my business trip and didn't have a place to stay, I've been staying with my best friend. My best friend is a female and even before I moved in here, my fiancee was saying how she was expecting me to confess my love for my best friend and leave her. So, I know that if I did this, she wouldn't forgive me and it would have been over immediately.

 

Also, I'm a gamer. I have been my entire life. Was given a Nintendo when I was 3 and I've always been better with electronics than with people. I just feel more comfortable when I'm playing a game. This has been a problem in our relationship before and I actually had to stop playing 1 game because it was taking too much of my time.

 

Since we've been apart, I've been playing other games to fill my time. Don't get me wrong, I'm just as lonely and miserable as she is with us being apart. But she claims that when we are on Skype, we don't talk because I'm too busy playing video games. She is also a gamer, so I thought when this relationship started, she'd understand. We are also both introverts, me perhaps more than her.

 

So... I asked her before if there was something bothering her and she said no. Now she tells me she was miserable because I don't pay attention to her and play video games too much.

 

Now I feel like the bad guy and I'm starting to think that if I'm causing her this much pain that she feels the need to get drunk and fool around with someone else, maybe it is just best for us to both go our separate ways.

[rafallus]

Let's face it, if you want to stay with her, you will anyway, and nothing you read over the board will make you otherwise.

 

I'll just say, either keep vigilant or if you travel a lot, consider relaxing boundaries to more open. It will probably not work out, but at least you're free to get some fun, if you think she won't resist others while you're away.

 

Not everyone is cut out for monogamy, consider that.

Edited August 15, 2011 by rafallus

[Lobster29]

Well, I think I'm going to play devil's advocate here. But, while it was good that she told you straight away, sounds like she might have been doing damage control. Telling you before anyone else does. And how convenient that she can't remember anything, therefore, anything anyone tells you that lead up to being in bed with this guy....i.e. making out with this guy in a dark corner....well, she doesn't remember. Cheaters, even when they admitted it, tend to play it down as much as possible to make it seem that it is less than what it is.

 

Balls in your court; however, I would demand that she gets check for STD's and also a pregnancy test. If she doesn't remember sleeping with this guy, there's no way she would know if protection was used or not.

 

Another thing too, if the shoe was on the other foot, do you think she would be so forgiving?

 

Very good point there! In my case my ex bf would never have found out...but if this girl thought it might come from someone else then she may have been trying to get in there first! This makes it a slightly different story!

[Chi townD]

Chi TownD: That's what bothers me. Since I've been on my business trip and didn't have a place to stay, I've been staying with my best friend. My best friend is a female and even before I moved in here, my fiancee was saying how she was expecting me to confess my love for my best friend and leave her. So, I know that if I did this, she wouldn't forgive me and it would have been over immediately.

 

Also, I'm a gamer. I have been my entire life. Was given a Nintendo when I was 3 and I've always been better with electronics than with people. I just feel more comfortable when I'm playing a game. This has been a problem in our relationship before and I actually had to stop playing 1 game because it was taking too much of my time.

 

Since we've been apart, I've been playing other games to fill my time. Don't get me wrong, I'm just as lonely and miserable as she is with us being apart. But she claims that when we are on Skype, we don't talk because I'm too busy playing video games. She is also a gamer, so I thought when this relationship started, she'd understand. We are also both introverts, me perhaps more than her.

 

So... I asked her before if there was something bothering her and she said no. Now she tells me she was miserable because I don't pay attention to her and play video games too much.

 

Now I feel like the bad guy and I'm starting to think that if I'm causing her this much pain that she feels the need to get drunk and fool around with someone else, maybe it is just best for us to both go our separate ways.

 

There's a rule of thumb here. You can be blamed for 50% of the trouble in your relationship, and she can be blamed for the other 50%. However, she is 100% responsible for cheating on you. You had nothing to do with that and regardless if you play games a lot, THIS ISN'T YOUR FAULT!!!

 

I don't know if you should have her come out there to meet you so soon after this happened. I think you need time to process this. Airline tickets can be reschedule for a small fee.

[2011aug]

Allow me to present another perspective for your consideration.

 

Once your fiancee cheated on you (sounds like she did), a threshold has been breached. If a second opportunity presents itself, it would be easier for her to take it.

 

And, in your mind you will always remember that she was a cheater. Any fights you get into with her, any time she get withdrawn, any time you think she's hiding something, the thought will be there.

 

Question is: do you want to live like that?

 

Do you want her to move with you when you have not settled your thoughts about her cheating?

 

A new environment for her does not mean she wont cheat again.

[Lobster29]

This completely makes sense to me. However you look at it, it's a big black Mark on the relationship now. What I would consider 'ruined' on the face of it if my SO did it to me.

 

Even tho I was once the cheater (11 yrs ago-ex bf) if it was me in your shoes it'd feel ruined.

 

Allow me to present another perspective for your consideration.

 

Once your fiancee cheated on you (sounds like she did), a threshold has been breached. If a second opportunity presents itself, it would be easier for her to take it.

 

And, in your mind you will always remember that she was a cheater. Any fights you get into with her, any time she get withdrawn, any time you think she's hiding something, the thought will be there.

 

Question is: do you want to live like that?

 

Do you want her to move with you when you have not settled your thoughts about her cheating?

 

A new environment for her does not mean she wont cheat again.

[Lasttry]

Thanks for all your feedback, everyone. I've just sent her an email telling her my thoughts as percisely as I can manage them right now.

 

I know it is impersonal but, for me, it is easier to collect my thoughts when I'm sitting infront of a computer. I could barely talk to her yesterday because I was so afraid of exploding at her and saying something I didn't mean. Or saying something I did mean and then hating myself for it.

 

Like someone said, if I want to stay with her, I will, regardless of what you all say. But, what you have said, has helped me accept the idea that this whole thing may be over. And, while getting over losing her won't be an easy or fast process, it is better to at least be prepared for the possibility. Before this weekend, I wouldn't even have considered her and I not being together for the rest of our lives.

[Lobster29]

My friend's husband had an affair a couple of years ago...they are both late 20's just FYI...and she isn't the type to take crap so I was surprised she stayed with him. But first she left for 6 months and I think that made him realise exactly what he did and that it would never be accepted again!

 

If she loves you, she will accept a break. Like I said, be too forgiving and she may think she can get away with murder or plain just not understand the pain and harm she caused.

[2011aug]

Thanks for all your feedback, everyone. I've just sent her an email telling her my thoughts as percisely as I can manage them right now.

 

I know it is impersonal but, for me, it is easier to collect my thoughts when I'm sitting infront of a computer. I could barely talk to her yesterday because I was so afraid of exploding at her and saying something I didn't mean. Or saying something I did mean and then hating myself for it.

 

Like someone said, if I want to stay with her, I will, regardless of what you all say. But, what you have said, has helped me accept the idea that this whole thing may be over. And, while getting over losing her won't be an easy or fast process, it is better to at least be prepared for the possibility. Before this weekend, I wouldn't even have considered her and I not being together for the rest of our lives.

 

Make sense to me. (if that helps

[NervisPervis]

1 - Booze doesn't make you do something you wouldn't normally want to do. It makes it easier to do something you would want to do but wouldn't without the lubrication.

 

2 - How convenient that she doesn't remember. Some people do black out, I guess, and not remember a thing, but I've never experienced it and don't know anyone that has. Has she ever had that problem before? Didn't think so.

 

3 - She had known this guy for a while and never met him. The FIRST time she decides to meet him is when you will be out of town and booze will be flowing? If that's not premeditated...

 

4 - NO DOUBT she felt that it would get back to you. Everyone at that party knew what she did. She wanted to make it look better coming from her. Damage control if I ever saw it.

 

You're not married. Dump her and start over. If you get back together later great. If not, no big deal

Edited August 15, 2011 by NervisPervis

[Bryanp]

I think Nervis makes many excellent points. I would like to add a few more. I seriously doubt you have the full story:

1. You are engaged to marry this girl. What was she thinking?

2. She said she was lonely. You have been gone from her only 3 weeks and she is coming out to live with you next week. What is wrong with this picture? 3 weeks is nothing and especially since you are engaged.

 

3 - She had known this guy for a while and never met him. The FIRST time she decides to meet him is when you will be out of town and booze will be flowing? If that's not premeditated... This point by Nervis cannot be overlooked. I totally agree that it was clearly premeditated.

 

4. Supposedly she has this problem about drinking and she gets dizzy. Nevertheless she invites a guy over who she never met before and gets drunk and wakes up in bed with him. What in hell kind of boundaries does she have? She is engaged to you so why is she getting drunk with this guy?

 

5. I agree with Nervis that is clear that everybody at the party saw what she was doing and she is in damage control. You need her to get tested for STD's.

 

6. The bottom line is this: She is engaged to you to get married. You are gone for only 3 weeks with the following week her coming to move in with you. She throws a party with booze and invites a guy she never met before and wakes up in the morning nude with him. He tells her they lots of things but no intercourse.....Oh please.

 

If she cannot be good for 3 lousy weeks to the guy she is engaged to, then I think you would be a total fool to marry her. Being engaged is where she should love you the most instead of ending up being drunk and sexual with another man in the morning. Sorry but she flunked the test big time. Save yourself heartbreak and break the engagement and tell her don't bother for her to move in with you. From what you have written this will be a slow motion train wreck just waiting to happen. Do you really need to have a piano fall on your head to realize that you are making a mistake being engaged to her?

[Lobster29]

Wait... so your suggesting he give her a break so she can go fool around with whoever she wants... and then get back together.... .... How do i not see this having the desired effect....lol..

 

I see what you mean but no, that's not what I mean.

 

I just mean she should pay the ultimate price and lose him. Not think she can do what she likes and keep him.

[Lasttry]

Hey Everyone

 

Day 3 of this ordeal. Thanks for all of your feedback. We had a long conversation last night about what happened. Call me stupid if you will but I'm an optimist. We were long distance before this and nothing happened then and I'm inclined to believe her when she tells me it wasn't pre-meditated.

 

We are going to work through this. I love her too much to just let it go on one, albeit major, mistake. Life is full of mistakes and we learn from them. We just have to hope this one makes us stronger instead of tearing us apart. And I'm pretty determined to make it work.

 

Chi TownD said that relationship problems can be divided 50% both ways in most cases and, had I known I was hurting her with my addiction, this may never have happened. She didn't make a conscious decision to do what she did but it did happen and we can't change that. Both of us need to try to fix what was wrong to make sure it doesn't happen again.

 

I'm not the type of person who can deal with this from afar. I need to see her so she is still coming out. Talking on the phone or over the internet isn't anything close to talking in person. I need to see her body language, the look in her eyes and the way she shows me she loves me (a kiss, a hug, holding hands). If I don't feel like it is there anymore, I'll know right away. But I don't expect that to be the case.

 

Again, thank you everyone for giving me an outlet to talk about this problem. And thank for giving respectful and useful advice.

[CarrieT]

You need her to get tested for STD's.

 

Here is an important factor to consider: She is going to have to wait three months before she can get tested for HIV. Other STDs can be tested for immediately but not for HIV.

 

Are you willing to go into damage control in the relationship for three months while you wait out that process and that means you don't have sex with her either until she can get tested?

 

If there can be open, honest communication and healing, then take those three months to see if you can move beyond what she did. If three months seem like it is too long for either of you to wait, than end the relationship now.

 

If you are thinking of spending the rest of your life with this woman, then three months is NOTHING in that grand scheme. But you have to hold firm and true and there be NO SEX for three months until she can get that HIV test.

[Memphis Raines]

We are going to work through this.

 

really? so she is going to refrain from any activities that are more conducive to cheating? She is going to stop partying? Stop hosting them? Stop inviting guys over that she is attracted to?

 

So basically if you are going to work it out, she is to refrain from these things.

 

And if she doesn't , there is NO working anything out. She shouldn't expect you to be ok with the behaviors that led to the cheating in the first place. Unless you are willing to put up with it because you just can't imagine life without her.

 

 

I love her too much to just let it go on one, albeit major, mistake.

 

when someone does something they want to do, alcohol or not, then it isn't a mistake. And alcohol simply brought out the cheater inside her that was already there, but probably didn't have the guts to do it while sober. (or maybe she does)

 

 

Life is full of mistakes and we learn from them. We just have to hope this one makes us stronger instead of tearing us apart. And I'm pretty determined to make it work.

 

ok, well the first time she parties, you will know she has no interest in working it out or respecting you.